24 hours ago I didn't know this forum existed, nor did I know there was a condition called school refusal.

I've spent a lot of time reading through other people's posts and while there is a great deal of consolation in hearing that you are not the only person in this situation, it is still heart breaking to have someone who simply won't go to school.

Thomas is 15 and in year 10 at a really good local comprehensive school. He was diagnosed with Aspergers in year 5 but has flatly refused to accept there is anything wrong with him and has even been re-assessed with the same outcome.

There have always been behavioural issues and since moving to secondary school they seem to have escalated (with the occasional period of calm). He has had various exclusions and sanctions and is now at the stage where he frankly doesn't give a toss what anyone says or does and has lost all respect for anyone he deems to be in a position of authority. That includes his family.

He has been involved with CAMHS for 3-4 years, initially as a result of his diagnosis but in the past couple of years as a result of a paracetamol overdose. I don't believe he wanted to take his life but as a cry for help, it sure was loud!

A consequence of Aspergers is low self esteem which very often leads to depression, something he has been clinically diagnosed with. He is also incredibly bright and in our view often knows what to say to get a certain reaction when he doesn't want to do something. His CAMHS involvement includes regular 1:1 counselling and we were at the point before Christmas when they thought it was no longer needed. Then he split up with his girlfriend and since them it has all gone pear shaped!

He has regularly truanted during his time at senior school but recently it has become much more than truanting and he point blank refuses to go to school. The situation isn't helped by the fact I'm separated from his mother and we both work so its not easy to ensure he goes to school. We have both taken lots of time off to cover his exclusions and attend meetings.

While there are lots of reasons and dare I say it excuses for how he is behaving right now, what frustrates me so much is that he seems to know exactly what he is doing when he refuses to go to school and there always seems to be a new reason for him not going in.

I desperately want to help him but at the same time I feel very angry with the way he is behaving. I also believe that the saying about it being darkest just before it gets light is very true.

The problem is I just don't know where to turn.

Hi Paul - i am so very sorry for your situation i really am. Is your son on meds for his aspergers ? I am convinced my son also has it, but after a 5 minute consultation this was dismissed. I do think with all SR that there is an element of using their problem at times although this may be a very small %. Has your son mentioned what he doesn't like about school - what the problem is ? What are the school saying about it ? As he is in year 11 i take it he will leave this summer - what are his plans then? Apologies for all the questions but trying to build a picture. Does your son have a social life - you mention he did have a gril friend. I believe with aspergers a different routine knocks them for 6 so splitting with her could have affected him maybe ? We have all felt both emotions and i can flit from one to anther very quickly. Has he tried CBT?

Stay strong and positive and all you can do is be there for him.

really hope everything works out, it's a tough one but we all understand and will be there for you if you need us.

Sar x

Hi Paul,

I am so sorry to hear how tough things are for you at the moment. It doesn't sound like you are getting the support that is needed either.

I know that it feels like your son is just digging in his heals but you are probably not going to find out whether this is the case with his behaviour or whether he truly feels so awful until he feels that you understand him. This probably means stepping back and taking one day at a time. Also seeing what he does do as a big step for him. Do you think it is an underlying anxiety? A lot of SR kids get angry as they are so frustrated.

Did his behaviour slide down hill after you were separated or was there no significant change?
One thing that did help my son (apart from CBT) was sitting together with the psychiatrist with me and his dad (I am a soleparent). Somehow he felt we were a united team and there to help him. It meant we were also both on the same wavelength rather than blaming the other or trying to do things totally different to improve the situation. This took the stress of us as parents and ultimately took some stress off my son.
He gets angry when he is anxious and he also tends not to listen to me and getting him to sleep is virtually impossible sometimes.

Hang in there and just try working on how you feel and how his mother feels and letting him know you are there as support but not to tell him what to do all the time. Then he might open up a bit more and take on board some CBT to change his thought patterns. If he does have Aspergers then the social side would, I presume, be a lot of hard work for him? This might be what is taking its toll, especially if girls are involved and others at school seem to be able to interact with ease?

Keep talking to us and let us know how you go. Even if we can't directly help, sometimes what others say might ring true and help you work out a new direction.
Take care,
Linda xx