I touch base with this site daily. I cant offer advise yet, but I am sure as our journey progresses I will be able to. There have been a lot of new posters lately.

My daughter still has not been to school. She didn't attend at all last week and only half a day last week. She had her interview/audition at college last week which did not go too well. On the day of the interview I went to work and would collect her from home to take her in the afternoon. I rang her to make sure she was up. She started crying saying that she had left her IPOD in her dad's car and could I get it (as usual she left it to the last minute to upload a song for her audition). Getting this IPOD would involve coming out of work, going home, getting spare car key, going to train station, getting IPod from dads car, driving home, then going back to work. As you can imagine, I was not happy. BUT, she needed it for her audition, and I wanted nothing to jepordise (sp) he chances. I went back to work for another hour and I said we had to leave as soon as I got home. When I got home she was barely ready. Shouting and getting really angry as she couldn't find a certain top. Then she lost the Ipod. We did find it (under a pile of clothes in her room). We left later than expected but arrived on time. The audition was a disappointment. She messed up on her song and monologue and got the lowest level on the English assessment. On the way home she said she couldn't care less if she got in or not. I was so sad. The prospect of doing something she loves at college has been her only lifeline in all this. She is now so down that even that doesn't fire her up. She feels she has no future in anything.

No appointment yet from CAMHS yet. School and GP have been onto them. Daughter had a really bad weekend. Crying for most of it. She was planning on going out in the snow with BF but when I asked her what time she was going out she started crying and saying she wasn't going now. When I asked her why she shouted and said she didn't know. It turned out that BF changed plans and she couldn't cope with it. She saw him in the evening though. I worry that she is clinging on too much to her relationship to him. She sees him alot. He does make her happier, but I think that most of the time she is masking her feelings when she is with him. Bottling up. He is a really nice lad. Because she is not going to school she is missing out on being with her friends. I don't think any of them have been in contact , except via facebook.

She is not eating properlly and has told me that she wants a flatter stomach. She says she is ugly and has now deleted her fscebook because all the girls on there are pretty. No amount of telling her otherwise helps.
We are at the GP's yet again as I am really worried. She spoke of wanting to kill herself. She has died her hair and really hates it. Her self esteem is so low. I will stress to the GP that she needs help NOW!
Last night she was washing her hair at midnight. She then sat and watched TV with me and was laughing really loudly at things on the TV that were not really that funny (she and I have the same sense of humour so I know what she would really find funny). This is another facet of Bipolar (which I mentioned in my first post).

School is lying low to the point of not seeming to care. Am I suddenly going to get a nice letter in the post with a court date? Her dad is understanding one minute and pushy the next. He still thinks, as the school does, that I should be getting her to school. He was off work on monday and he coulldn't get her to go! It is causing tension, but the health of my daughter is paramount.

She has not been to her performance classes or singing lessons for the past two weeks. It feels like she is slowly stopping everything she enjoys. Have any of your kids stopped doing things they enjoyed?

Thanks for listening. This forum has been so helpful.I understand SR more and know I am not alone. Thanks to you all.

tracey

Tracy,

Your story sounds just like mine! My son plays football and has been signed to a football academy for years but stopped about 2 years ago. He still plays at a high level and trains twice a week and matches at the weekend and this has been the one thing that he has always had and has remained consistant. When friends at school have drifted away, he always had his football buddies who knew nothing about his school issues - I guess it was somewhere where he felt 'normal'. He gave up the academy football as his said it was too pressurised - it's like being at bootcamp. I often wonder if it was this pressure in his life at such an early age - 8yrs old, that bought on the SR - my husband of course won't admit this - he says sport is so important....

Anyway, recently, he has been missing training and then of course he regrets it. I can't tell you how many times, he's lost a boot, shinpad etc just as we are walking out the door - it's like they are hijacking, punishing themselves. Maybe he will give up, I don't know. When he is feeling like this, I just say to him that it was his football that pulled him through the dark days in the past and just to chill out and enjoy it. It doesn't matter if he isn't man of the match - just relax about it. Also, their bodies are changing and hormones flying around and this complicates everything. It makes me so sad too, they seem to put so much pressure on themselves - they have such high standards and just care too much.

Try and stay calm Tracy, if they see us getting upset, it just puts more pressure on them. I find this so hard and am constantly locking myself in the loo when it gets to much. We just want our kids to be happy and it breaks my heart that we can't do that all the time.

Sending you lots of love and support...

sophy

Hi Sophy,

Yes your son sounds like my daughter. One reason she enjoys (up until two weeks ago) going to theatre school is because, as you mentioned, it is not school and nobody knows her background. She is there with likeminded people who all love the same things. At school it is not like that. She can feel isolated in her interests as her friends at school aren't interested in the performing arts. So she plays it down and never talks about her interest. Which is why it was such a shock to all her friends at school when she appeared in the school production and blew them all away. She was talk of the school for a while and was being noticed by those who never even knew she existed. Perhaps this was all too much for her? She never believes in her performing abilities and always thinks she isn't doing a good job, like your son, she puts too much pressure on herself.

Like your son as well, she was part of a prestigious performing company in London and they were quite strict. It was their intention to be strict to get the pupils used to life in the real world of performing. That's OK, but for my daughter it was too much like school and too many deadlines to meet. I have said to her many times that if she was to work in the industry she would need commitment, a good work ethic and the ability to take rejection. Right now she wouldn't cut it, but with help, experience, not being a teenager and being able to understand herself then I think she could. She goes to a different group in London now and they aren't as strict. Like your son, she regrets missing her training and like him, she is always losing a vital item just before we have to leave, meaning more stress and panic.

I am at home today. She got up at lunchtime and I made her some soup. She then started to get annoyed about her hair. We have booked an appointment at hairdressers to get it fixed (she would like it highlighted blond) but I said to her that, as the hairdresser pointed out, it may take a few goes to achieve the look she wants. When she gets an idea to do or have something, it has to be NOW. So, me telling her what the hairdresser said caused her to get very angry and tip up the portable table that her soup was on. I now have soup all over the living room wall. I asked her to clean it up and she replied No...you made me do it. So I left it. Left a bowl of water and cloth with her and went out. When I came back she had cleaned it up. Dog came in and licked up the remnants of the soup from the carpet!! Doctors this evening, so even more reason to get her seen and sorted.

Thanks for replying Sophy.
Tracey

Hi Tracey,

Its so hard to stay calm and not lose our tempers isn't it. But you dealt with that really well. My son's therapist says my son has low frustration tolerance. I have just bought a book called 'The explosive Child' - a new approach for understanding and parenting
by Ross W Greene. He says 'these kids aren't attention-seeking, manipulative or unmotivated, and their parents aren't passive, permissive pushovers. Rather, explosive kids are lacking some crucial skills in the domains of flexibility/adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving. It's just arrived so lets hope he has some answers!

I would back off and just be really supportive as she must be feeling so low. Give her lots of love - One thing I have learnt is things can turn around quite unexpectedly and things will get better even if only until the next crisis! - it is a rollercoaster ride we are on...

Good luck at the Doctors - let us know how it goes.

Sophy

Hi Tracey

OOOhhhh - i think all our children come from the same mould. My son has absolutley no confidence in his appearance - i know im his mother but he really is a fab looking young man and i am so proud, but his hair isn't right, his jeans don't look too right, he's too skinny etc etc and he is not fishing for compliments. He too was a fab footballer and recieved an award for his performance from a very famous football manager ( where he atteneded )- but because he was presented with the highest achiever award and the papers were there and he had to go onto the stage to recieve it he never played since and is such as shame.

Not so much now but i went through the stage the everything was my fault - and my son even now wants everything NOW, and if plans are changed it throws him into a panic.

Hope all went well with the doctors.

Take care

Sarah xx

This is all very familiar to me. Today is the first day back at school after the holidays and I knew my daughter would refuse. I could feel her anxiety building toward the end of the holiday until last night it became unbearable. She's cut herself last night with the blade from a pencil sharpener and this morning refuses to get out of bed. She says she is bullied at school, but as fast as we make a complaint and one bully is shut down, there seems to be another one that springs up. Daily, she is getting shouted by other kids that she is fat and ugly and should kill herself. She's a beautiful girl and whilst she's not as skinny as seems to be popular these days, she is by no means fat. It's awful. She wants to be home schooled but at the moment, her depression is so bad, I couldn't get her to do the work. I believe home tuition is the answer, but the criteria are so strict and it takes so long to sort out, I feel like it could be too late. I am so afraid that she will never lead a normal life. Sometimes I wonder if she will safely reach adulthood and it scares me so much.

Since moving to high school, she has gone from being a funny, clever, sociable child full of possibilities at the top of her class, to a scared, tormented young woman with no confidence or self esteem who is afraid to do anything and won't even ask for something in a shop. The school has compounded the problem by pulling half of her GCSE exams forward into Year 10, when the kids are really not emotionally equipped to deal with them. Her marks on the first set of exams were so low because of all the school she has missed, that in effect she has already failed, so what point is there for her to keep working next year? The school has admitted they have got it wrong with the exams, but it's too late for my daughter isn't it?

We are apparently lucky to have been seeing CAMHS but the appointments are so far apart, about one a month, nothing seems to get done, they seem to spend most of the session catching up on what has happened since the last one and nothing seems to have been achieved. Six months in, and they've only just given my daughter a depression and anxiety questionnaire to fill in, and that's only because I insisted that things were getting very worrying.

Some days there seems to be no hope. I have learned to put any dreams and hopes I had for a bright future for my daughter away...now my only hope is that she survives high school.

Allie, I have been keeping a low profile recently, but I could not ignore your message.

We are still struggling with our 20 year old daughter, but we never give up hope for her. We, and she, hoped to be in a better place by now, but compared to where we were three or even six years ago, we are are all much happier with our circumstances. And who does not hope for great things for their children, whether it be good employment or a happy married life, we all have hopes and dreams for our offspring.

Our daughter is supposed to be in college three days a week. Last week she did not manage at all! But the week before she went in four times.

Your daughter can still have a happy future. It is still possible. And she needs to know that she has a supportive mother behind her, or holding her hand when things get tough.

We are all here for you - and your daughter. Please keep in touch. And remember to take care of yourself,

Simon

Thanks so much Simon. Right now I've decided that she just needs to know that she is loved and cherished and all I care about is her wellbeing. I'm trying to take any pressure about the future off of her, because it is more than she can bear at the moment. We will cross that bridge when we come to it. It does help to know we aren't alone in this and we are not the only family going through this struggle.

Hi Allie - and great to hear from you too Simon. We all worry about our childrens future, and i remember reading a message from someone on here who's child did make it in end and is now happy and contented -although they never went back to school and thinking that will never happen to me, but over the years it has got so much better it really has. Don't get me wrong my son is far from anxiety free and at times the slightest little thing can cause major problems but on the whole life is good. He wants to go to college in September and i hope and pray he will, but with the best will in the world a doubt it will happen - that's not me being negative just realistic. Each week gets better then we have a set back but i promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Stay in touch Sarah xx

Hi Allie,

Sorry to hear how things are. I think you are right - you just need to show your daughter she is cherished and loved right now. Live for the moment- not the future. Embrace her where she is now. Give her little praises that may seem insignificant to you but to her might start to help her.

Find just some little thing that you think she might still like from previously - an actor - a film - a book - a food and suggest - borrowing a DVD, going to a bookshop, helping you cook that food....things totally unrelated to school. Tell her you are not going to talk about school for a week (if you can afford to feel that you can do it for that length of time) but that at the end of the week you'd like to talk about options.

I gave some homeschooling sites on another post just the other day - see what you think. I had someone contact me after the article that was in our papers here in Australia - and she pulled her boy out of school and homeschooled and she saw her boy go from having no self esteem, depressed and lacking motivation to a bright confident boy.
Maybe worth looking into?
Take care and as Simon says - look after yourself. Do something nice for yourself today. You are a good mum and your daughter knows that.
Linda xx

Hi Allie,

I can so feel your despair at what the future holds for your daughter. I too wonder how she will cope in the adult world. will she ever hold down a job, have happy and fulfilling relationships, reach her potential? Right now we have to take one day at a time.

Just to update you all regarding my beautiful talented daughter............

She attended her college interview/audition just before half term. It didn't go as well as she hoped, and she had a meltdown before we left over a missing item of clothing. She screamed and shouted so much her voice was raw. At the interview her expectations did not match what happened. She expected to be auditioned by at least two people and there was only one. It was very short and she felt the interviewer did not ask her enough questions. She forgot some of her song and messed up on the monologue. There was no dance workshop as had been expected. On the English assessment she had to do, she got the lowest mark possible. On the way home, she was very down and said she didn't care if she got in or not. That I know is just her protecting herself just in case it was a no. A week later we got a letter to say she had got in! Conditions are 4 grade C's (one has to be English). She was happy and more optimistic. Then it was half term. What a relief not to have to worry about whether she would refuse and the ensuing anxiety. First day of term (yesterday) came. I knew she was in a good place as the night before there were no signs of anxiety and irritability. She got herself off to be early. She had said at the beginning of half term that she would really try. It would be easier, she said, because everyone would be starting a new term and she wouldn't be such an outcast. So yesterday, after 2 calls, she got up. had a wash and did her hair. Her hair has been a problem (for me) for a couple of weeks, as she had stripped her colour (black) hoping to go back to her original colour (brown). Unfortunatly it stripped her hair to orange/ginger. She wasn't happy with it (and neither were I) so she went to a hairdresser who sugessted blond highlights to take away the orange. I didn't like it after, but she did, and for the first time in a long while she was happy with her hair and this boosted her confidence. So if it made her happy, then so am I. So, first day back at school. Lots of confidence. Happy with her hair. It was nice to see her like this on a school day. What happened next is still leaving me furious.

She went into her tutor group for registration. The first time in over 6 weeks. He tutor promtly pulled her up over her hair colour and told her to go down to the assistant head (who deals with hair related issues). The assistant head was teaching PE, so after making a comment about her "Extreme" hair, she was told to wait until the end of the lesson when she would then deal with her. I then get a call from my daughter, in tears and locked in the toilet, asking me to come and get her and take her home. I was on my way to the school anyway as I work there (not a teacher) so I saw her when I got there. The school nurse tried to encourage her out the toilet but E was having none of it, and was shouting, crying, screaming that she wanted to get out of this ******* school and never come back. E was not listening to me either. The nurse then called patrol. She came out of the tiolet and we all went into a room. My daughter was incoherant. Sobbing, swearing and in distress. I too was in tears. Patrol refused to sanction her going home. We were due to meet with the head later that day. He was called. E then refused to speak to him and just sat on the chair curled up. He too refused sanction her going home. I explained the situation with the hair, and how insensitive it was for her to be pulled up about it straight away. After all the problems we have had trying to get her in, this happens. What is going on? Do no one at that school talk to each other? Is no one aware of my daughters problem? All the Head could say was that this is policy and thay cannot pick and choose who gets punished for extreme hair. I said that I could pick out many pupils with more extreme colour than my daughter and all he could say is that they are being dealt with. We were then joined by the deputy head. 4 people ploughing into my daughter about how important being at school is and getting the grades. How she has no future, will not get a job etc...etc... Not concerned with her emotional wellbeing. It Just wont look good on their stats will it.

Anyway, because my daughter was refusing to speak, they said they would leave her in the medical room and return later. I should have insisted I took her home there and then. I feel awful now that I didn't, and I let her down, literally feeding her to the lions. I went upstairs to work, and they checked on her seeing if she would speak. As far as she was concerned this was what being in a police cell must feel like. No one bothered to let me know how she was getting on. I went down after lunch and she was asleep on the armchair. I then said I was taking her home. She told me she will never go back to that place again, and I know she will not.

I am due into work later. I am not good at conveying my thoughts and feelings vocally. I much prefer to write them down. So I am compiling a letter to the Head, and copying it to pretty much the whole school (being a member of staff I have access to all their email adressess!). I am fuming. E said that she had all intention of staying the whole day. She felt it was a new start. I asked her did she think she would have seen the whole week and she said possibly. After the incident in the morning, that is never going to happen.

Do you think I should take this further than just a letter?
We had our first appointment with CAMHS in the half term. This was an assesment appointment which is only for arranging who she should see next. They said they would contact me which I am still waiting for.

Thanks for listening. I know you all understand.

Tracey

Oh i can't believe it - when will they learn and give our children a break. I would be absolutley furious too and i'm afraid that could the final straw for her and going back to school and who could blame her.

I would certainly write to the school and take it from there.
Good luck

Sarah x

Oh Tracey - that is just awful. After all the effort your daughter put in to starting a fresh and giving it all a chance. Who cares about hair!?
I hate the attitude 'all students have to be treated the same' - it just seems another way of confronting those who least need it. So tactless.

If you have the energy - I would give them as much back as you can. The letter sounds good and see if they want to talk. If not - then you might need to push to see the head?

They possibly just don't believe your daughter has anxiety because of her hair and her wonderful music skills. Sometimes people are just so incredibly ignorant with mental health issues.

Perhaps this is not the place for your daughter to pursue her music skills? It sounds far too strict and restrictive. Perhaps she will shine somewhere else - if you can find somewhere? I have never heard of 'patrol' - who are they?
Sounds like a prison already! And how come they have the rule over you as to whether she goes home or not? Surely it is a parent who makes that decision - not them?

I do hope your daughter can slowly take a step forward on this one. IT seems like it is best not to dwell on it and just take each moment as you can.
Take care - we are thinking of you - please feel you can talk to us at any time.
Linda xx

Oh My God, having read your story I am so furious that I could cry. I can't believe how stupid and insensitive they could be at the school. Your poor daughter how absolutely terrible. I really think you should take this further, not that it will help your daughter now, but just to vent some of your anger. Would Parent Partnership be interested in this and be able to speak to the school on your behalf. I'm just fuming for you. My daughter has done almost exactly the same thing, had blonde hair, then dyed it brown, then tried to wash out the brown and now her hair is a sort of unnatural coppery colour. It's a mistake that I'm sure most girls will make at some stage but for our SR girls it is a huge deal. And it's not as if they've dyed it red or blue.
Don't beat yourself up about leaving your daughter in the medical room. Again, I've done the same thing when surrounded by authority figures and when you're not sure of yourself you end up conforming to what the teachers want you to do then afterwards you feel terrible. I'm sure we've all been in that situation more than once. I think it must take an awful lot of confidence to be assertive in that situation particualrly as we're all struggling to know what the 'right' thing to do is. I hope you're feeling better about it all. I know it's of no help but I am really cross on you and your daughters behalf. Paula

Hi,

As some of you know I am new here. I posted a few days ago and got some really helpful support and advise which I am following. Thanks to you guys. I did send a very long message earlier but it seems to have gone into the ether - just my luck.

I just wanted to say that everything you all say about things your kids do and your hopes and dreams for their future and their happiness resonate so much with me. I feel so much better finding you guys.

My daughter has not attended school at all since xmas. This half term was supposed to be crunch time. She has not attended and despite calls made and messages left I have found no help from any authority figures.

I hope and pray that all our kids will find some peace and happiness soon, and of course, us too !

Sue x

hi everyone,

Just reading through these posts and some earlier ones - and your first one Sue and I just can't help thinking that despite the trauma we face with SR here in Australia - I actually think we might have a more coordinated support for youth mental health. I have tended to take it for granted and was a bit lost in the 'child' system where there is no support. It seems here that the government has been pushing really hard to set up support networks to stop youth suicide. As a result I am beginning to see that schools, teachers and authorities are more aware of mental health issues than perhaps they are in the UK? I may be wrong - it might just be the same here in some school systems and in other states as we all have different approaches across Australia but I know generally there has been a lot of education and money thrown into mental health. Where our support then tends to lack is at the other end - when people are hospitalised - we have a long way to go to provide enough support to get them back and running in their lives.

Sorry I am thinking as I go here but I really wonder if you all sent letters to your local member of parliament (and I know Sarah - you did this and found it worked well for you). In this case I am not just talking about individual output that might help you but if you all wrote to members of parliament with your stories and the setbacks via authorities - perhaps just one of those MPs might bring it up in parliament as not enough being done for teenage mental health issues?

What about letters also direct to the Prime Minister/Oposition and the Health Minister. - and all the opposition members you can think of who might be interested in raising their own profile (!). I know how worn out we all are in the middle of this - but it might just help the next person who comes along and faces the ridiculous setbacks you are all facing from the authorities. It is bad enough what you have to go through with the SR - let alone not having the support (I do know that from my own experience but even then - it seems when I sought help from private psychologists - there were many out there dealing with teenage issues including depression and anxiety).

The month of March could be - 'MARCH ON PARLIAMENT'' month (not literally) and send of letters explaining what SR is and how you have been treated. Send copies to your local doctors too? And the education department (camhs is obviously too diverse across the UK and not able to cope with the numbers they have to see).

Sorry I am not there with you to start the campaign!! I'd love to help.
Otherwise - you are all just fighting your own little battles by yourselves. It would be good to get others to fight your battles out there for you whilst you concentrate on reconnecting with your kids and finding out what schooling they might be able to manage.

Thinking of you all. My son is still managing to go to high school - if he goes tomorrow this will be his first full week since early Feb.
Take care - have a cuppa tea and tell your children you love them : -)
Linda xx

Thanks to Sarah, Linda, M, Paula, Sue and everyone on here for your support. It is very much appreciated and it's nice to have support from people who totally understand.

Linda, my daughter is at normal high school right now and in her final year. She has been accepted at a college to do a musical theatre course which should begin in September. It is on condition that she gets certain grades in her final exams, which is looking less likely as time goes on. She really wants to go there. All she will be studying is musical theatre. No maths, no english, no business (yawn) studies!!
Good ideas about writing to those in higher places. It is obvious that SR is widespread but most people have never heard of it. I have been searching the web for stories of ex school refusers. Those that have been through it and came out the other end. There are a couple on here which I have read with great interest. It's good to see things from their perspective.

I wrote a long and detailed letter to the head this morning. His secretary confirmed he has it, so lets wait for his reply.

Once again, thank you all for your support.

Tracey

Tracey
well done to your daughter for going into school with her beautiful hair. What is wrong with people? The more I read / experience these 'experts'the more I despair.
It reminds me of the poem 'Heidi with blue hair' and her attempt to question authority and the way authority stifles youngsters.
I cried when I read about your daughter and I hope she is feeling somewhat better now, and I wish her all the best.

V

hi Tracey,

Sorry I was a bit confused regarding where your daughter was attending just now as I know you had talked of the performing arts school (and I am sure they would have loved her hair!).
I got a bit carried away in the last email!! I feel all your frustration and set backs and wanted to get out there myself and campaign on your behalf!

How is your daughter feeling today? What a horrible, draining of confidence day she had. Hoping you can spend some time together and work out a way forward. Hope things get better and support is more forthcoming. Take care
Linda xx