Another terrible week. My daughter only managed to go in to school for one hour today and not at all for the rest of the week. She came home angry and upset as said she didn't have a good experience. She has been hostile ever since, won't talk to me and refusing to engage in anything else. I'm public enemy No. 1 as I made her go.School are being quite helpful and said she only need do 1 hour per day just to get her into school. However, my daughter insists she 'hates it' and is insistent that she moves school and that she is not going back. She says she is being bullied. At the last school we thought that might have been the case and pulled her out. This time I'm fairly sure she is not being bullied but is just over sensitive to anything that is said to her. I think the teachers are being sympathetic and the children are quite nice (she is now in a very small school with only 13 in the class).This is the 2nd secondary school in 2 years, she also hated her primary school. I feel a bit defeated and not sure what to do next. She has a counselling session at CAMHs for 1/2 an hour once a fortnight but generally she comes out of that angry and hostile.
Had Parents Evening on Wednesday night and came home feeling sad. Apparently she is quite bright and has potential and all the teachers like her and think she is polite but obviously as she is never there is not doing that well. She doesn't seem to have enough self motivation to do work at home. Trying to get her to do any schoolwork is a bit of a thankless task. What next?

Oh Paula, I could have written your post. It mirrors my terrible week (except for the going into school....daughter did not go in at all this week). She is being very hostile and angry to me. I too am enemy no1. I have been extra patient with her this week and have backed off a lot, but not enough I guess. I haven't been able to mention school or schoolwork without her going into a rage. As parents, we do not want to back off so much that it looks like we do not care. It's hard to get the balance right, isn't it.

But rest assured Paula, you are not alone. We all know how you are feeling and what you and your daughter are going through.

Take care
Tracey

Hi Paula,

So sorry to hear how things have been for you. You must be feeling so stressed out and torn - not knowing which way to turn.
If camhs are just trying to get your daughter to explain why she is anxious and just saying 'you have to go to school' then she will get frustrated (my son did). If, however, they are working on Cognitive behaviour skills then she should come out of the sessions feeling ok. It took me awhile to realise that the other type of counselling did not work.

The psychiatrist, on the other hand, made my son feel like he was totally normal - she did not push him to explain anything - she gave him all the sympathy in the world - accepted he just couldn't go and worked on some strategies to help him accept where he was - recognise the anxiety when it hit - and try and move forward. The psychiatrist didn't keep saying ' you have to' she just explained 'how to'.

Are you able to talk with your daughter and explain why you are trying to still get her to school? My son was just like your daughter but lately has seen I am trying to do my best as well. He still falls out with me over it but later says he understands and is sorry that he takes it out on me. I found what I 'say' can make a huge difference and so asked my son what things made him more angry. I have since adjusted my 'talk' and keep it to absolute minimum.

I am not sure how you short cut to the realisation and acceptance of anxiety but it does make a difference.
Can you turn up to the next session of Camhs yourself instead of your daughter and talk to them about their approach and suggest CBT and if they say they are doing it - ask them exactly what that means. I found one counsellor who said they were using it but it wasn't CBT!!
Parents also need CBT to know what to do and counselling - to pour out the frustration.

The school your daughter is currently at sounds ideal - although funnily enough - being in a small group might make her feel she has to 'perform' and 'be present' so her absences she might feel are more noticeable! Something else to work on! Are the teachers and school generally supportive? Is there a welfare coordinator or someone similar?

Sorry I have written so much - not sure I have been much help! But hopefully you can get something more out of camhs or find help elsewhere. As for the school work - I have the same story - but it has improved since he has accepted he has anxiety and it is not going to go away and so it is not just the school.

Thinking of you and hoping you and your daughter can work together through this and she realises she needs your support. It is tough and a rollercoaster ride but there are steps forward and they will gain confidence. From their point of view the bottom has fallen out of their world so we have to find different ways to re-build their self esteem and confidence outside of the school situation.
Take care and keep posting.
Linda xx

Hi Tracey,

Sorry to hear you had such a terrible week too! My sympathy goes out to you. It is hard to balance how much to push, how much to stand back - I know exactly how you feel.
Like I mentioned to Paula - I have managed to get my son to work so much better with me after changing the kind of conversations I was having in a morning about getting to school. I asked him what rubbed him up the wrong way the most. Apart from words used my 'tone' of voice was crucial and so I have since been very aware not to nag, whine, show frustration (gosh it is so hard but it does hellp!).
This doesn't mean I get him to school every day! We are still on the rollercoaster ride but we do keep moving forward and that is a change from a few years ago or even a year ago!

As I said to Paula too - his realisation that anxiety does not go away without help, support and strategies to take small steps forward has really been a huge help in him accepting himself. This has only been in the last 3-6 months. BEfore then I was going through exactly what you are going through with his anger, the frustration, the up and down moods etc. It is a nightmare when they are like this, isn't it! I am not saying my son might not slip back into this- I am sure he will - but his attitude has helped a great deal.

The CBT helped him come to this as well as knowing that both his parents were working to support him. We also have set in place that he can have one day off without his dad trying to help (he has to let him know he is thinking of him on those days and not to mention he should be at school - no guilt trip). But if he then can't go in the next day - his dad might have to talk with him as well as me and we work together to get him there. He finds that actually helps him push through - he does not resent it in the attitude he has now.

Sorry - again - not sure me raving on helps but if I can help just a tiny bit by letting you know what has helped me. Take care and I hope that you are able to reconnect with your daughter and let her know you are doing this 'for' her. Hoping you can do something totallly different and positive over the weekend?
Linda xx

Thanks Tracey and Linda for your replies. I really need to try and get CBT for my daughter, as Linda suggested, but CAMHs don't seem terribly helpful at the moment. I think I'm going to have to be more forceful. I was hoping fora few days reprieve as half term is next week but my daughter has already taken 2 paracetamol and cut her hand this morning because of the thought of going back to school after the holidays.
Do you ever try and cajole your daughter into school Tracey or do you just back right off. It's so difficult to know what to do.
hope you're both having a good weekend.

Paula,

This must be so stressful for you. Your daughter needs some help straight away - are there any other options other than camhs?
I hope that your daughter can find the right help and start to take small steps forward. If you can afford it - can you find a private psychologist so that she gets the kind of help she needs?
And what about you - are you able to offload your stress on friends and family or take some counselling? Hoping you can still find some 'me' time on the rocky road you are on.
Take care,
Linda xx