Just to let you know i am thinking about you all as the new half term starts again tomorrow - I understand just how hard it is for all of you and my thoughts and best wishes are with you.

My day will start with an 8.30am meeting with the deputy head after my youngest son had a few problems before the holidays - already my heart is racing and the anxieties are high but i know i am not alone. Son no 2 is fine and the problem is with me but all the old worries and concerns are all flooding back to haunt me.

Love to you all, and thank you.

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah,
You're a great wee mum to your lovely boys and always do your best for them. We'll be thinking of you too!
Take care,
love Lindy x
P.S. still no word here

Hi M.

Having just read your post I have exactly the same thoughts about my daughter. Sometimes I think the school refusal behaviour is just a control and power behaviour and if it wasn't school it would be something else. She is beginning to threaten us with not eating if we say she has to go to school so I do wonder if an eating disorder is just around the corner. This morning she was absolutely screaming and crying because she didn't want to go into school for her allotted 1 hour but yet I left the house to take my husband to the train station and when I crept back in afterwards there wasn't a sound. Makes me think that all the screaming and crying was just for my benefit and a performance rather than just anxiety or unhappiness. I alternate all the time between wondering how much is manipulation and how much is anxiety. Sorry I haven't got ant any words of wisdom. A counselor I saw this morning did say that i will look back in years to come and laugh (yes hysterically through gritted teeth i think).

M - whatever is the problem you are welcome here and always will be and will be supported as much as we can don't ever doubt that. Every single parent on this forum has at one time or another doubted their child's behaviour - i look back and wish i had believed him from the start as i think i would have handled the situation better, but i can't turn back time and can only support as much as i can. Anxiety im afraid manifests itself in many ways, and anger, frustration and manipulation are all part of it - a person with anxiety needs to feel in control so don't beat yourself up it's a strange one to deal with and no one has all the answers.

Please stay in touch and sending you lots of luck - Sar xx

hi M and Paula,

I feel for your situation. I used to be in exactly that same position - but as the years went by - I realised that my son really did have an anxiety disorder that made his behaviour erratic in terms of when he felt frustrated.

I guess one thing we have to ask ourselves as parents if we are doubting our children - why would they put on this performance about going to school? Why would a child - even if it doesn't seem they have the anxiety we expect - be so unwilling to go to a place that others go every day? It is only then I think that we can accept - that something is just not right. Their way of letting us know has a lot to be desired - but as children and teenagers it seems they can't verbalise what is making them anxious. Checking out bullying is always a first step - but it is usually not as specific as that.

Others told me that my son had me wrapped round his little finger (they were wrong), others told me that he would only perform for me (they are partly right - but that is because I am here all the time....he bottles it in with others....and takes it out on me later!). Don't believe what others say. Don't let the guilt eat you up!
I still fall out with my son sometimes - I just get so frustrated. But after accepting the situation a couple of years ago and realising that this was my son and no matter how much I might want him to change/the situation to change - it was not going to happen. I then saw his road as a different road than others and this seemed to help me embrace him - and when I did that - he also seemed to gain strength. Before that he used to scream and yell at me that I didn't understand him (true) and that he hated being like this. I think he felt very isolated.

When he turned to a distraction...staying home - playing on computer etc - he looked fine....but the anxiety is still there - I can see this when I try to get him to go out of the house sometimes....he has smaller fears I had not noticed before because the School Refusal being every day was all consuming and blocked out the 'whole' person.
See if there are any patterns of anxiety in your children in things other than school (new situations/social events/loud noises/crowds/going to the shops/couldn't go on school camps at Primary school/hated sleepovers/didnt have kids over to play/hated going to parties when younger etc). Whilst some SR kids appear to have few other issues - quite a lot do seem to follow a pattern of similar avoidance behaviour from what I have read on this forum over the years.

Good luck. Don't doubt your children - it is their way of saying all is not well.
Take care -
Linda xx

Lindy - all well about a 2 minute meeting and everyone happy and this wasn't my son's fault oooohhh. Quite funny really i sat in reception in a line of parents wanting to talk to staff - did have a quiet giggle to myself as years ago told i was they only one with a problem- the worm has turned lol

Sarah x

Hi M.

There has been discussion on this forum before about whether removing items of technology is something we should do . I think the overall feeling was not to.
This may go against what the psychologists say (ie. make the home less interesting than school) but that really only works for little kids - not teenagers. If your son is communicating with others via his xbox then by removing that you are taking away his avenue to keep in touch with others perhaps? I just worry too that you might both be setting up a situation in which neither can win? He will just continue to refuse to go to school even if you give the iPad back and if you keep the iPad he will continue to be very angry with you.

I know it is a tough one but removing or reducing any technology use from my son did not work. He still didn't go to school. Reward systems also do not work. They might if it is not true school refusal.

Are you able to sit down with your son and just talk? Can you put your dilemma to him? What options does he see if he doesn't attend school? Does he care? If he doesn't care much about anything then I'd be looking at getting help for him as soon as possible. Your son probably feels everyone is against him? It is not his fault that he feels the way he does.

If you suspect anxiety of any form then he needs to speak to a counsellor/psychologist and so do you and your husband perhaps - as it is so hard to know what strategies to use in the difficult situation you find yourself in.

Hoping you can find a way forward soon.
Linda

Hi M

I just wondered, and sorry for asking if this seems obvious... if you had ever thought if he had either social anxiety or perhaps even some form of mild autism? I know there is just a fine line spreading between one end of the spectrum and all other kinds of anxiety symptoms, so it is hard to tell. But when you mentioned the eye contact and not socialising - I just wondered as these can be symptoms of autism. In which case he really would be finding school difficult and going on the bus on his own would have thrown him at the time? I also recall you mentioned him having a very good eye for detail? That sounds like a pretty special skill - and again - not one all kids have.

It seems there are also a number of children with SR and autism are over sensitive to external stimuli as well as having the anxiety. This can really frustrated them and make them easily angry.

Can you get him assessed from somewhere else (ask for another assessment from camhs - or go to another doctor - get a second opinion? To me (as a parent and as an ex teacher) I always feel there is something behind such behaviour and they cannot ever just say it is his personality and he needs to improve his behaviour, as the authorities seem to be saying. THat is only tackling the symptom, not the cause.

Your son needs to know that you love him and are there for him. He is probably feeling the world is against him. It must be really hard when he just keeps going off like he does. You really must feel you are on a rollercoaster ride! Well done to him and you for getting him to school though.

If you could get a better diagnosis then the school really should start listening. His behaviour of calling out and being the class clown sounds like his way of trying to fit in. It is probably the only way he feels he can get other kids to take notice. You mention that it all started 2 years ago - but did you notice any other symptoms along the way that perhaps did not appear significant at the time but in hindsight could point towards this possibly happening? I'd document everything down that you can think of - it might help in a further assessment rather than taking him at face value now.

Sorry - again I have no answers - but just questions for you that you have probably already thought about!! Sometimes we really do have to push and push the doctors etc to take our story seriously. Perhaps do some of your own research into anxiety related symptoms and autism and present these to the doctor or camhs?

Woops - writing too much again.
Thinking of you and hope you can find a way forward with all of this.
Linda

hi M.

How did the meal go - and the ipod situation?!
Document the different approaches you try for the school if you haven't already.

Do you think if you read up as much as you can about CBT you, or your husband, could talk with him about what to do in those situations. He really needs some strategies and to recognise what is happening, doesn't he.
Good luck. Keep posting.
Linda x