Hi,

I have a 12 year old daughter who is refusing to go to school. As her primary school teachers now testify - she never really liked school. However, I never had problems making her attend primary school, she had friends and she looks back at it with fond memories.

She transfered to high school and it all started. She has never slept well and suffers from IBS and all of these symptoms of anxiety escalated. She dis go more often than not though. We then were transfered abroad with work and for 6 months, she attended an international school and mostly went, though very unhappily, and one of her teachers described her as a classic school refuser. What was she talking about? I had never heard of it! To cut a long story short, we returned to the UK mostly to help her schooling as she would be at the school she knew, with her old friends and it would all be OK.

Where are we now? She refuses to go completely, not having gone in at all since before Christmas. She can't sleep, suffers from stomach ache, nausea and back ache constantly. She cries, won't go out much and has stated she would rather be dead. I keep in touch with school, have seen GP who has made a referral to Paed psych team but waiting list is 2-3 months. The parent support advisor is trying to help but really we are making no progress. School just taking a back seat and saying if she does not make it in even for a part of the day, it will fast track me to prosecution!!!! I need to work to make ends meet but can't with her at home and my other children are distressed by her behaviour and also feel it's not fair that she is at home. I worry about her being so unhappy, isolated and unchallenged - she is bright and enjoys learning at home.

Just feel very alone and not sure what to do. I know she wants to be home schooled but I don't feel that is the answer. I have read the article that Jen wrote in the Guardian and she is like my daughter in many ways.

Thanks for listening
Sue

Hi Sue

So sorry to hear your story. Sounds very familiar I'm afraid. My daughter K again was reluctant to attend primary school but did so then did one half term at secondary school and since then (1 1/2 years ago) we struggle on a daily basis to get her into school. She too suffers from anxiety and colonic inertia, which is very similar to IBS. I can't believe that your school is considering prosecution when they can see that you are trying so hard to get her into school. Have you spoken to the Parent Partnership team which should be in the Educational Dpt in your local county council. They offer to come into school meetings with you and will help fight your corner. I've found them to be very understanding and helpful. There shoud also be support from your local LEA for school refusal. We were idiots and took K out of her local comprehensive and put her into a private school where she is now not entitled to this support. I'm now trying to work and struggling to pay for a school which she hardly ever attends.
Another idea is to look around at local charities that help with children with Special Needs. We have one called SNAPs in our area and at first I was reluctant as I didn't think my daughters special need fitted in with their ethos but again they have been very understanding and supportive. She is now getting counselling with them as our counselor at CAMHS (for whom we waited 11 months) doesn't seem to be very effective. Also, they can advise of where else you can get support and information.

I also understand how it can be really disturbing for the siblings. We have a younger daughter who does go into school but as you say feels very hard done by that she has to go whilst her sister doesn't. She has also started to wet the bed which I'm sure is a reaction to listening to all the crying and throwing things and general distress from K.

Anyway, sorry I can't be of more help. Thinking of you.

Paula

Hi Sue - im afraid an all to familiar story and my heart goes out to you. I to found Parent Partnership very good and helped no end, and again as Paula said prosecution is a ridiculous idea, they threaten it in the hope the children all of a sudden start going to school - as if it is that simple !! Siblings now there is another story and i still don't feel i am out of the woods with him yet - he uses school against me as he knows how it worries me. He is a confident child but very up and down, for instance he came home from school this afternoon in a great mood and can change in a minute- that is my fault as he is so spoilt - catch 22. Sorry going off at a tangent here. Paula - i also feel for you as i guess as long as your paying the fees then they are quite happy ? I wish there was a simple solution to it all i really do, but hang in there, it does get better and keep posting.

Sarah x

Thanks Paula and Sarah,

Its actually quite liberating to realise I am not alone - thanks for that! I am so new to it all and the 'terminology' and the 'support services', I feel like a student again! I will try both your suggestions re parent partnership (if it is at my school). I can understand how frustrating it must be to have tried to move a child to a different school only to realise you still need help and it's no longer available! That's just so hard. I am lucky in some ways to have got her a place at school before this all blew up I think. She is talking about moving schools now too but I am not sure that will help anything really. Tempting, as my husband and I (not her birth father) are now separated during the week for work by a 3.5 hour drive and it would be so nice to be together again.

Anyway, thanks for your support and now I have found you all, I will be on here a lot I think!

Take care, Sue

Hi Sue,

Welcome. Everyone is very supportive on here.
It is very hard to work through what is happening, deal with our own emotions and find the right help at hand. Sarah and Paula's advice sounds good and at least you will have someone on your side. Others on here have also been threatened with prosecution but it seems some schools are more likely to go down this road than others.

Why do you think homeschooling might not be the answer? Is it because you need to work or you are worried about the social aspect for your daughter?

Cognitive Behaviour therapy can really lift our kids up to a level where they can take small steps forward. Not everyone provides CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) but it is worth seeking out if you can.
I think I have asked on here before why so few seem to seek private psychologists? Is it the expense or is it that you have to go through the schools or you don't get their support? I gave up on our school (Primary) and went private and went through a few psychologists before we met the right one (she was in fact a psychiatrist as by then I thought we needed medication).

Sorry - raving on here - but hoping you know you are amongst those who understand on here! You are not alone - make sure your daughter realises that too. Let her read the article that was in our Newspapers here - she might relate to what is happening to her. And both children in the articles (mine being one) are managing now to get to school much more often. The kind of support made a world of difference as well as our attitudes to just accept where our kids were at. There is no miracle answer and I think we all take whatever road we can.
The link is here:
http://www.theage.com.au/national/education/school-hell-no-i-just-wont-go-20120210-1sjld.html

and continues with story of boy who is now at university.
http://www.theage.com.au/national/education/i-felt-anxious-all-the-time-20120211-1svok.html

Take care,
Linda xx

Sue - Parent Partnership isn't linked to schools they are independant so have a google for your area, if you can't find it let me know and i will speak with my contact.

Sarah x