Just wondering how you parents manage to cope and keep on going. Especially in the early days when you can't see the way forward and you are just so worried about your child's education.

I find it hard to function normally and get on and do things i should be doing. I also feel exhausted from the effort I'm putting in trying to get my son to bed and then spending the day trying to wake him and encourage him to go to school. At the beginning of Jan I was feeling so anxious and my stomach was in knots - my GP has prescribed something to help relieve these feelings which helps a little. But I still fill sick with worry and it's hard to focus on normal life.

Looking back i really don't know how i coped but you do. What i found most difficult was in the very early days i thought my son was just being - am i allowed to say it "naughty" and unfortunately treated him so - i should have realised straight away as i have never ever had any trouble from him, and the fact he couldn't tell me what was wrong annoyed me. It does get easier especially when you accept they are playing up and they have a problem, then you will change your view i promise, it's the two of you against the world !! The thing i did find hardest was the phoning school every morning i felt quite humiliated. With my son it was a very quick process of not going at all so at least i know what to expect or not as the case may be. I felt for quite along time "zombiefied" not being able to concentrate on anything and it totally took over my life - searching on the internet going to various meeting etc. The good thing is it will get better and easier to handle whatever happens and i think you learn to cope. 4 1/2 years later and my relationship with my son is even stronger - he has missed so much school - about 3.5 years out of the last 4.5 and he will not get the GCSE's i had onced hoped for, but he is in himself so much better - he can always catch up on education when he is ready. So what i am saying is - don't give up hope, support your son and if he doesn't go back that is a real shame, but you will get through it - there is support out there.

Stay strong

Sarah xx

Hi Sharon,

Sarah has expressed much of how I felt too. I wasn't coping at the start and had to go on some antidepressants to help!. Ironic really! But it did ease the stress so I stopped overreacting or bursting into tears at the drop of a hat.

Once I accepted my son had anxiety and was unable to sometimes attend school, once I stopped worrying about what others think - I moved forward. I did also start doing my artwork in a big way to balance the stress.

I also read books, searched the Internet and made appointments with psychologists. I am not sure at that stage that it helped my son - but it helped me to feel I was doing something.

I hope it is much quicker for you to accept and to move forward. I don't quite know when the change took over me - but I do know that from that moment on, my son and I stopped having these awful mornings of crying (both of us), yelling (both of us) and just stuck in a rut. As I have mentioned - we still fight at night over bed time - but as he reminds me - mornings are so much better - so things are better overall : -)
Sometimes we have to remember the small things and not hope for a miracle cure.

Do take some time out for yourself, Sharon, if you can. Pick up a hobby you have neglected - have a coffee with friends - visit family - do something with your son if he is willing.
The exhaustion doesn't last forever. WE cannot put our bodies and mind through that for too long. Reading up all you can will also give you the feeling that you are in control of what is going on when you have to talk to authorities etc. And in reality - you will be - as you will know so much more than them.

I also found sharing how I felt on this forum saved me. Without the support and encouragement to accept my son where he was at from those such as Sue, Sarah, Simon and others all that time ago - I might have still been in a rut. Education at school is not everything as Sue used to kindly remind me. I remember some of my early posts I was in tears as I typed. That is over two years ago now.

Hope things improve soon - but they will improve. Take care -
Linda xx

Hi Sharon,
One day at a time....and even one hour at a time would always be my motto! Some days I cope better than others. I have found a lot of support from all on here. Also the cahms team that work with my son have be superb and have walked alongside me on this journey. It is just realizing that it is your son's and your own mental health that need to come first and education needs to come second place. I feel that's when we started to move forward. Little steps...small positive ones with the odd backward step thrown in.
Always here for you,
Take care,
Love Lindy x

Hi Sharon and all

I have been reading your posts for a couple of days now, found you in desperation after a particularly bad week. I'm just beginning myself to accept that my daughter is a school refuser and although this fills me with fear I also feel I have turned a corner. My girl has been showing signs for some time now but I guess I have been in denial about the problem, after all this can't possibly be happening to us eh? I like the advice to take small steps; take one day at a time, don't think we could cope at all otherwise. It's good to know you are all out there.

Deborah x

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. I am really struggling at the moment, but it is good to hear what you all say.

Lindy - what sort of help did you get from camhs, how often did you see them?

I'm finding it all a bit slow with camhs at the moment, have seen the psychologist once and have a week and a half till next appointment (which will be 5 weeks after the first one).

Hi Sharon,
Mega help from Camhs. Appointments with shorter intervals to start with then( 1 year on ) every 3 to 4 weeks. If we need an urgent one in between that can be arranged too. For me , personally, I have found the weekly parents' group that camhs run has been an absolute god send.
I know different areas do different things so I am so grateful for the service here.
Take care,
Lindy x

Hi Lindy - the parents meetings sound absolutley fantastic but this was something that was never offered to me, and not really sure if they existed at our CAMHS. Very often people forget that we as parents suffer too and we need support - thank you to all my lovely friends on here for the valued support you have given me.

Sarah xx

Sharon

I have to agree with Linda and Sarah, but I had to reach rock bottom, go on antidepressants and take time off work, it was only when I accepted that my son would never go back to school, that things started to get better.

The friends I've met on this site are the ones that have kept me sane and helped me through this though, no one else understands.

Take care
Dorothy x

Lindy - That all sounds good. I'm a bit annoyed that it will have been 5 weeks since our previous appointment with camhs, hopefully I can push for more regular appointments. I'm not aware of a parents group at our camhs though - I might have a look and see if there is one in a different camhs region nearby.

Dorothy - I think it's hard initially because you have to put every scrap of energy into trying to get your child to go back to school. I can see that eventually a way forward will emerge and then things may be easier.

Hello Sharon and all again (from Campbell family)
A while since my last post and catching up with you all. Sharon I too struggle as a parent with this, I get so exhausted and find coping with my own job difficult. This is our 2nd year and some days are better than others. We are managing to get our son through the school door but once he is there he is unable to attend classes. He will not be in a position to sit exams and has fallen so far behind. I do think more help for parents to cope would be great, like the CAMHS meetings, not sure if we have them here. We have been waiting for a while for more CAMHS help and there is little communication from school. We have been waiting on them getting back to us with an appointment for several months now. I often have to phone school as he is late, or unable to attend due to illness. At first I found this difficult but I am more acceptable of how he feels now, less ashamed I suppose because I know a bit more about it all. I have been looking at other alternatives to school recently (home schooling) nothing on our council website though. This site really helps me and keeps me sane. You are not alone.
Take care Dawn

Thanks Dawn.

This is my first post, and I hope I don't screw it up! Finding this site today has been a revelation. I won't go through chapter and verse about my son, suffice it to say no school at all for the past year (he's 13) after years of trauma around attendance. My response here though is regarding coping. It has taken me a very, very long time to recognise the toll that this has taken on my mental health. I have gone from being quite a social, busy, hard-working (had my own business) person to someone who manages the school run for the other two kids and then can sleep most of the day or sit gazing out of the window. I think a lot of it is to do with wanting to avoid sitting in the same room as my son and facing what we are going through.

However, since the New Year, I have MADE myself do one thing a day, it might be weed a one foot square patch of garden, or do a crossword, or wash my hair (!) but it has helped. I also don't allow myself to go back to bed until after lunch even if I just walk round the house.

We are under the care of CAMHs and now have an outreach worker who is visiting once a week - so far my son has refused to speak to her. Today she talked about sectioning him if he continues to refuse to engage.

The point is, I think, that this situation is, by its very nature, isolating. You can see other parents breathing a sigh of relief that their kid is going to school, and as your childs friendships diminish, life for them seems to get even more limited. I am gradually coming to terms with the fact that he is unwell and now feel that I have to be strong for him, be the parent that he needs and keep fighting for him.

But it is ........exhausting. Best wishes to all of you out there going through this.

Hi Juliet,

I am glad you found the site. When I found this site a couple of years ago it was my saviour. I was in much the same position as you are - and I know how it feels to just want to sleep. That is also a sign of your own depression as you know. You are on the right track regarding getting your own strength back in order to help your son. As I mentioned in some of my posts - for me it meant going on anti depressants for awhile as I just couldn't life myself out of that low feeling.

Once you get your strength back and accept where your son is now - you will feel better about the rocky road that it is. I have also found that my acceptance has helped my son and I am lucky that at the moment he is going to school most days. For you it might mean that you and your son are able to re connect again and not feel so guilty about being at home.
That guilt can eat you away.

Have you had any support from camhs or the school or doctors, pscyhologists? You and your son might benefit from Cognitive Behaviour Therapy which does work well for anxiety as it provides strategies rather than just being a 'talk about what you are afraid of' type counselling.
We have found it much more positive than any other help we received.

I also found that lifting the guilt meant my son and I could do a few things together that we enjoyed and that helped the atmosphere of the house. Getting out of the house is also something that you will be able to work on when you gain more strength. My son would only go far away or drive around - he was afraid of meeting someone (?) or anyone (?).

Your idea of making yourself do one thing a day is a really good step. I made up a whole lot of ideas for me to do and wrote them on pieces of paper and put them in a box. Every day I had to pull out a piece of paper and do whatever it said. Sometimes it was 'ring a particular person' - at other times , like you have done ' garden' and other ideas were 'put photos in photo album', read for half an hour or buy a bunch of flowers for me! It all helps.

Let us know how you are feeling at any time and if any help is forthcoming for your son. My son also had trouble meeting with anyone who came to the house - it feels threatening for them to have someone step into their comfort zone to talk about a place then want to have nothing to do with. If your son can come around to accepting his anxiety and realise that he does need some help - do you think he might be able to meet the person elsewhere?
Stay in touch and do seek some help for yourself....you are doing all you can, you are a good mum - you need all the strength you can get but sometimes it requires some help from outside.
Take care,
Linda xx
Ps Sorry about such a long post...I do try and keep them shorter!!

Hi Linda, (and everyone else!)

Still breathing sigh of relief to have found you guys. Just come off 'phone to Attendance Improvement Officer who is checking on our progress, and something occurs to me. In the same way as I understand people have difficulty dealing with care for the elderly, it seems that there is no co-ordinated system for dealing with School Refusers (yes, there is Camh's/attendance improvement etc) but it seems to be so much luck of the draw whether you get the attention your child needs (deserves). I believe we were extremely lucky as the first person from Camhs that we dealt with believed from the outset that our son was in need of special attention - but it worries me that there seem to be variances in experience for people when this is clearly a circumstance with some clear common experiences for those involved.

So, I will continue to post here, to date we are now awaiting our third visit from the Camhs outreach team, they are saying that if our son continues to refuse to engage with them then a section may be the next step. I am, as yet, unable to put into words how dreadful that prospect seems.

Ok signing off folks, speak soon,

Julietx

Hi Juliet,

You are right - there is no uniform coordinated plan for kids with SR and yes, the same sadly happens with the elderly.
In your case, what do you actually mean by a' section'?
Take care,
Linda x

Hi Deborah,

Somehow I missed your post the other day. Welcome to this site!
How are things going?
Yes - we do tend to be in denial. We all want our kids just to be like all the other kids going into school etc. But then we realise everyone is different and our children are ok too : -)

How old id your daughter? Are you getting support?
You said you'd had a bad week - have you had a better week since then?
Take care,
Linda x

Juliet

I don't know if these people realise the devastation and upset they cause when they give threats like they have done to you, do they think by saying this then our children will turn around and do as they say, if only it was this easy. Try and stay strong and remember we are all here for you.

Take care
Dorothy x

Juliet,
By sectioning ,do you mean to be treated as an inpatient ? Can this not be done as a voluntary admission ? When your son does not engage with the camhs worker does the camhs worker spend the time with you to suggest strategies for you to cope and work with your son or does the worker just move on ?
My son cocooned himself in his room for a long, long time but is breaking through now. They just need time..and the knowledge of knowing that through the hard stages that we are there to reassure them of our unconditional love.
Sorry about all the questions...just stay strong...draw on all the support you can.....and know that you are being the best mum you can be...and we are all here for you.
Take care,
love Lindy x