Hi everyone,

My son has not attended school since May 2011. He should now be in year 9. We are under care of Camhs and he has a weekly visit from an outreach worker. They say he is entitled to five hours a week tuition from Esme(?) which they are going to implement in due course.

My question is: How long have most of your children been out of full-time education? Are you doing anything to eductate them? What are your views about Home Ed?

I am not worried per se about him not getting GSCE's etc but I do worry that he is not being intellectually stimulated.

Thanks


Juliet

Hi Juliet

I was wondering about these questions too.

My son (age 12 Yr 7) didn't go to school at all from October 2011 half term to Christmas hols. Started new school Jan and was touch and go. He now hasn't been to school at all for nearly 5 weeks - and hard to see how that will change.

School gave me some work last week for him to do. But I have had no success at getting him to look at it. Unfortunately I don't think I would have any success with home ed as he wouldn't pay any attention to anything I say and just getting him to do homework has always been a huge challenge!

I am worried that I'm not able to get him to do anything educational at home.

There are a few 'online schools' - have you looked at these? This probably works well for some people. I'd rather not do it with my son at the moment though as he already spends far too long with the computer.

Sharon

Hi Sharon,

Ah yes, the computer. My son is on it so much, and I know that part of the time I let him as it is a respite from confrontation. We have kept it in the kitchen so he is still present in the family, but then to a great extent he's there but not interacting with us at all.

Before he stopped going to school, getting him to do any homework was a nightmare despite him very high achieving. Today he told the outreach worker that he did miss being educated. (sorry if I am repeating myself). It's just the more I read on here the more I feel like I am going to have to accept a whole different future than the one that other peoples' kids seem to have. In a way I can accept that if it wasn't for the desperate isolation of his situation, and, I guess mine.

Sorry just feeling very down about this, as it is becoming very clear this is going to be a long road.

Sorry not to be helpful,

Juliet

Hi - I am no specialist but i ma sure it's about 6 weeks and they are supposed to offer min 5 hours tuition ( i have slightly more but it took some getting !!) When my son started to refuse - in the early days when i was unsure of what the hell was going on, i made him still wear school uniform and stuck to the school timetable ( i had considerable time off work ) and to be fair he did stick to it, but when it came to setting homework - as he would have had to do if he was still at school, well i had more chance of winning the lottery !! He has never been very good at homework, even now and it's GCSE time, but he does enjoy his home ed lessons because he has a lovely tutor. But it all takes time, and they will get there in the end. My advise is to talk to your local MP, ours was very good and supportive and helped me get more hours.

Don't lose heart, they have to really hit a low point and then they will start to rise, i never thought it would happen but it will.

Keep supporting and listening and let them know you are there for them.

Sarah x

Thank you Sarah. Very interested to hear that you got support from your MP. May I ask how you described your issue to the MP? I am so worried whenever I talk to anyone who is not "in the know" about school refusal that they see me as a mum who can't get their kid to do what they are told. (eg my mum for ages thought I should just be stricter with him).

Which brings me onto another point, if it is ok to bring it up, how do any of you describe what is going on to other parents? I bumped into a group of my son's pals tonight, all grown-up looking and mucking about in the local supermarket, and one of them asked after my son and why he no longer came to school. I was as honest as I could be but it left me feeling bereft as I wanted my boy to be one of those lads. Is it unusual to feel as desperate as I do?

Juliet
x

Dear Juliet,

My story is very similar to yours and I am feeling the same way too. My son should be in year 9 and has also been out of education since May '11. We decided to remove him from school officially 6 weeks ago and have been tutoring since. We are not going through the LEA as we have been in the private sector (he received a scholarship in year 7 to a private school and this is when our problems first started). I have managed to find some uni students to tutor him and the plan is 2 hours every morning with tutors and homework in the afternoon. It started really well but over the last two weeks, it has been a struggle. Instead of worrying every night 'will he going to school' it is now 'is he going to get out of bed to see his tutors'. We too have always struggled with homework and his addiction is x box live. He is very sociable and is out at the weekends with his friends and plays a lot of football. We have taken all this away from him in the past and instead of a happy anxious child, we had a very depressed anxious child who started selfharming. I have been warned that the anxiety can very quickly switch to depression.

I am very much struggling with the homeschooling probably because my son is very against it. He gets very upset and wants to be at school but not at any of the schools that will have him. He does not want any of his friends to know he is being homeschooled (all his friends go to different schools) and he freaks out at the thought of them finding out. So we have this big secret that we are not allowed to talk about.....

He wants to go to a tutorial college to do his GCSEs next september and we went to look at one last week and he refused to get out the car. We are going to see another one today and he says he really regrets last week and he is going to do it today. Lets see.

so I'm afraid I do not have answers and it really is a roller coaster ride. Some days I feel able to cope and others I feel like running away. My daughter is hugely affected by this and today, she is in tears saying she didn't want to go to school. I do think alot of this is hormones but that doesn't make it any easier. I have said to my son that if he doesn't
make it into a college (he will also have to sit an assessment), we will all have to accept homeschooling is the only way forward. The sad fact is that until he accepts this, we are not going to move forward. It is very frightening to think we have another 2 1/2 years of this until he is able to leave school. Sorry this is so depressing but it is a relief to voice my fears as like we all say, no-one else understands and it is a very lonely place to be..

Sophy

Hi Sophy and Juliet

I am sorry to hear how hard things are going for you as well at the moment Sophy. It sounds like a real struggle and I just wish there were answers out there to help. I feel lucky that my son at the moment is more or less going to school but I go through that dread each day of 'will he or won't he'. I also just cannot understand this reluctance that seems so common - not to do any school work. Is your son able to express why he is reluctant to see the tutors? Or do the work? Do you have any observations as to what you might think drives his thinking?

After a couple of sessions, my son refused to see a tutor I'd got for him and recently when a relative offered to help - my son's reaction was more as if I had invited the toughest bully to come over. It was totally way over the top.
This is what makes me think it is not just the school - but the work- maybe a perfectionism....somehow the thought patterns need to change. But who is going to help us do this? I keep reading and reading about how the brain is able to be re-trained but I don't think it is something we as parents can do - we need the professional input - and where is that?
I feel I almost have to look into the reluctance to do work separately to the School REfusal and find the specific help to overcome that.

And Juliet - I think I also let my son stay so much longer on the computer as it gives me a break from confrontation as well. It is a vicious circle though, isn't it.
My son didn't go to school today as I am sure he took advantage of a couple of family matters that came up and knew I was a bit vulnerable. He was on the computer most of the day - at least these days he is doing some design work.

At least we can still support each other on here....even if the answers seem allusive (at the moment anyway). There are always new doors that open but sometimes it seems like an eternity before they do. Hang in there and may you have a relaxing weekend : )
Linda xx

Hi Linda,

Sorry to hear about your son, as soon as you begin to relax, its goes wrong.

My son's therapist believes my son has an anxiety about learning at the moment coupled with the start of puberty, hormones all over the place but she tells me that this will settle down. My son says it is just so boring and lonely. Everytime he has not done it, he uses a different excuse, feels ill, too tired etc. We have done CBT with my son but when the panic kicks in, all strategies go out the window. His therapist (who specialises in CBT) says until he really wants to engage with it, it is not worth doing. My son's opinion is 'it didn't work before otherwise I'd be at school'! can't argue with that...

We are due to leave to see a college in a minute. My son says he feels fine and not at all anxious but is angry as he has a big football match on sunday which means he won't be able to go to a party on Sat night...
Talk about getting his priorities in order. Fingers crossed that he will make it into the college this time.

sophy

Good luck for the college, Sophy.
I had to smile re the football match versus party : ) That is very normal.
We were told the same with the CBT although my son did take on board some of what she said initially and it was then that he accepted that he had anxiety about school. But she stopped and said she couldn't do more until he wanted to get better. I wonder when that will be....we can only hope.= : )
Let us know re the college.
Linda xx

HI Linda,

I have good news! He went in - took about 5 mins to get out the car but did it with no complaints. He managed an interview with the principle and the the head of GCSE. Still a long way to go but am delighted.

Thank you for listening Linda and what a relief it's Friday. Exhausted!

Sophy

Hi Sophy,

That is so great! Such a big step. Have a lovely weekend : )
Linda x

What sort of college is it that you son goes to. My DD has said she would go to a college..but not school. She wil go somewhere where no one knows her! (She says!!!!) She is 15 in Year 10!

Hi
Sorry t read that things are tough at present. This is the perfect site for coming to though. The best support.
I had to smile too at the school/match choice - kids eh?
Glad your son went into the college. Hoping things work out for him.
My daughter is 17 and has been school refusing for a couple of years. We're in Ireland so system is a little different. But other parents/teachers even friends, still the same. People the world over are all pretty much the same imo.
She has never allowed me to tell any family member about the SR. The level of shame this secret brought her was unpleasant for a time, but little by little I have brought her around to believing that it really concerns no one else. We are going through it, and when people are down/suffering, they don't need judgemental comments/looks - they need support and understanding, and if a person has nothing positive/helpful to say, I think they should stay quiet.
Bottom line, I really think unless a person has walked/is walking in our shoes, they cannot know the stress we are under at times.
Sending out best wishes

Hi Virginia,

Yes - well put.
I also think the term 'School Refusal' should be changed. It sounds far too much like our sons/daughters are just being rebellious and stubborn.
School Refusal is only part of the overall problem because it happens every day. It might be that without school they are fine - but it might also be that school is just in their face every day and so any problems they do have outside (which is common) might more easily be overcome.
Linda

Juliet, I just re-read back down the list and saw you mentioned what we do in terms of telling others which Virginia has responded to. I must have missed your post at that time.
My family all know - but not all understand but over the years have come to understand. Friends - close friends understand - others I have tried to tell but now don't bother as you get the 'if it was my child etc....'
As for friends of my son.....that has not become an issue for us yet as they are only young (12) so would not ask. But we are faced with the situation of 'should his two friend's at school know'. The Year 7 Coordinator believes they should and then he might not feel he has to excuse or explain himself so much. My son says he does not want them to know as he doesn't want them to think he is weird and they might also tell others who don't get it. I agree with my son - but the sad thing is - I think his two friend's would really understand and support him. So hard to know what to do....sorry - we all I guess pick and choose who we tell and what we tell. As I have mentioned on aother post....the term' School REfusal' is not good. I usually tell people that my son has 'an anxiety disorder' (that makes them sit up and listen more) and part of that involves being unable to get to school - sometimes know as 'school refusal anxiety'. Long winded....but gets them off the focus of 'REFUSAL' which really sounds like a naughty kid who needs a bit more discipline.

Hope everyone is managing. We all have to plough on....don't we. Our kids need us to be strong even if we are really stressed out and our kids are also giving us a hard time about it. Going to make a cuppa now and try and relax.
Take care everyone- thinking of you all
Linda xx

Linda,

We told my son's 'best friend' infact we told his mother who sat him down and told him about anxiety and depression and how my son really needs his support. Sadly, it backfired hugely. He told all their friends and he used to send him really awful texts especially when he wasn;t at school.. It makes me upset just thinking about it. This was what kickstarted my son's 2nd and current bout of school refusal We realised he would never go back there as his friends really were laughing at him. Once this boy realised my son was vunerable, that was it. He just seemed to humiliate him at every opportunity. They even urinated on him at a sleepover. The school's attitude was the boys don't understand why they have to go to school and your son doesn't. So does that make their behaviour acceptable? That's when we decided to pull him out of school. What upsets me the most is that my son returned to school for two terms and didn't tell us that this was going on. It wasn't until I looked at his phone and saw some texts that my son broke down and told us everything.

I just think at this age, unless they have issues of their own, they are just too young to understand anxiety or depression. This is why my son is so paranoid about anyone knowing and who can blame him.

sophy

Sophy that has really really upset me what they did to your son and im finding it hard to type now - did you tell their parents ? Now we think we are bad parents i bet your son wouldn't do anything like that !!

I have quite a strong opinion with regards to telling friends and that is DON'T. Once people know the judge wrongly. Some of M's friends still don't know why he doesn't go to school, and fortunately he has been ok with regards to it, and it's been so long now that they don't even think about it. I did tell one close friend when they were nearly 15 and he couldn'tt have been less interested as far as he was concerned M was posh and has a tutor lol

Love to you all

Sarah x