Hi, Im new here and just wanted some advice really. My son is 8 and struggles with going to school. This has been on/off for a year, it started when a teacher he never got on with used to throw his work in the bin because it wasnt good enough. This has affected his confidence greatly. He gets very anxious in mornings, tummy aches, feels sick, headaches, panic attacks etc. I am trying my hardest to get him in the car but it just isnt happening. Today was bad and he didnt go but its always difficult on a monday or after the hols.

We have had a meeting with senco at school but they have said they dont have the staff to help and can only offer a clerical assistant. So thats no help really. Have only had contact with camhs once who gave me a leaflet, no help either.

I am at my wits end trying to get him to school, was wondering would a educational psycologist help if camhs cant. He has anxiety issue out of school too and is afraid of anything/anywhere new. Also smells trigger his fears. Am thinking of taking him out of school altogether as the battle is too hard but then will this really help him?

Any advice or anyone gone through the same as I am?

Lucy x

Hi Lucy, I am new here too and just wanted to offer support rather than advice. My son has strong aversions to smells and loud noises but total school refusal for him didn't begin till year 8. But at your son's age he was certainly presenting very similar behaviour patterns as yours. If I could have my time again (and this is strictly my personal opinion) I wish that I had strongly considered an alterntive to simply forcing him to school every day. I think school refusal at your son's age is less common in so much as they can be physically manhandled into the classroom, it was when my son was big enough to physically refuse that he stopped going, but now I realise that all those years of dragging him into school were a source of considerable pain and anxiety to him and to me. I am sure there are parents on here who have gone down the road of counselling and therapy who could advise. All I can say to you is, not all our kids fit into the round holes that they want them to go into, and if you have an alternative I would take it!

With much love


Juliet
x

Hi Lucy and welcome,

You will find lots of support on here even if we don't always have the answers.
My son's school refusal started when he was 6 - so I know what you are going through. Primary schools do not seem to have the same support network as high schools and do not seem to see the urgency of help. My advice is get help as soon as you possibly can and if the school is not going to come up with the help - then seek help privately. We got lost in the system with no help for far too many years and did not start to progress until we got a really good private psychiatrist (they can prescribe the medication if needed - we are still not sure on that one yet).

Your son needs some strategies to face his fears - whether at school or outside. My son also suffers from fear of loud noises etc (like Juliet also mentioned). My son is now 12 and as I write this he is refusing to go to school but says he will go in later. This is better than in the past and he did actually go really well last term. Without help - he would not be going to school at all.

If you feel you are able to home school him and that he still get out and about and socialise - then that is also something that others have tried and never looked back from. It takes away that massive anxiety every day. Unfortunately it was not an option for me.
The main thing kids with SR have to do is recognise what their anxiety is and that takes some time. Cognitive Behaviour therapy does help and enables those small steps forward. My son realises he has to get out of the house more but that doesn't mean to say we don't still battle over this!

The road is long and rocky - but with help and the right kind of help early on - you can often change this around completely. Or you can find you are not struggling every day. Once it hits later on or if you don't get the help now - then it is much harder to move forward.
I know exactly how you must be feeling ....it is an awful draining, straining, roller coaster ride. But you are not alone - there are lots of us out here. And don't let anyone infer you are a bad parent or your child is naughty......anxiety is an awful thing for the child and very stressful for us and not many people understand that.

Maybe talk to your school and see what they have to offer in terms of educational psychologist but it does not have to be an educational psychologist it can be just one who works with children or adolescents and hopefully cognitive behaviour therapy.
Let us know how you go and if you just feel like off loading your despair - go ahead - we are here for you.
Take care,
Linda

Hi Lucy

Welcome to our group. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and it is so hard for not only the child but for the whole family it really is. When my son started to refuse back in year 7 we found no help at all until i got in contact with an education psycologist who was private. He lives 44 miles away but worth every mile to see him and every penny of the £75 per hour. Our saving grace was the fact that he used to be the ed psy for my sons school - how bizzar was that and the fact that he diagnosed almost straight away that my son was school phobic and that many children are made me feel so much better. He strongly recommended that i did not force my son to school as this would make it far harder for him to ever go back, and calmed my fears of being prosecuted as he said that just wouldn't happen given the circumstances was a huge relief. We never did get my son back to school, but the education authorities now pay towards my son having a home tutor. This means my son is still on the shool role and it is their responsibility to ensure he recieves an education. I would have loved to home educate him but being a single mum and running a company made that impossible. Do you have another appointment with CAMHS to see their psycologist ? if not press for it either via the school or your GP. Have you seen the GP ? Have the school mentioned a slow integration process for your son ? No wonder your son has anxieties if his work has been binned what child wouldn't !!

Sorry to ask so many questions but it will help so we can give you some advise.

PS smells and noises are a major part of it all,but you know once my son stopped drinking coke and other fizzy drinks with caffine in them he was so much better !!

Keep in touch

Sarah xx

Thank you for your kind replies its a great help talking to people who are going through the same thing. My son has gone to school today, showed no anxiety although refused to get dressed (I can handle that much easier, I got in the car and said i will wait for you, he soon got dressed). I havent been to GP about this as he is scared of docs/dentists etc.

Was wondering whether to go myself and talk about him if that helps?

Camhs were consulted by by family link worker as she didnt know how to handle his anxieties. They came out told me to be stronger and gave me a leaflet on childhood anxiety and never met my son. School are aware of his anxiety i.e. he wont do plays/assemblies or dressing up and is scared of the fire alarm. They are willing to take him off me when we do get there. Although if i cant get him there in the first place that doesnt really help! I have no family or friends to help as they all work and im quite issolated. The school nurse says dont bribe him the FLW says do. No matter what you do if he cant get out the door no bribing or star charts are going to help. Although i cant be strong anymore and am starting to crack. Therefore i have no fight left in me at the mo. So this week im hiding from the world to try and conserve my mental ability to deal with this. Will definatly look into educational psycologist because i feel he needs help. Thought he was having a breakdown yesterday and just crying and holding his head because he cant explain or understand whats going on in his head. He took himself to bed for 3 hrs.

Lucy x

Lucy,

I am feeling so sad for you reading your last post. I think your reaction to your situation is very common and you seem isolated from a good support network. Here is the best place for you.

You do exactly what you are doing, treat yourself and your son with as much kindness and compassion as you can, the main thing is that you and he are happy and safe. For so long I forced my son to school and now when I look back if I had spent those days reassuring him, exploring other avenues, even just going for a walk with him, I think we would be in a happier place than we are now.

Whilst I understand that for the majority making kids go to school is the "right" thing to do, for our children I am increasingly convinced it isn't. I don't mean to be cynical (and please everyone correct me here) but all of us figure as a cost to the health service these days and so I think it is in Camhs interest to keep you out of the system for as long as they can, so while the children are still small enough to be forced into school I think they will let that happen.

Bottom line, you know your son, you love him the most, follow your heart, many people are invested in you keeping to the norm, it is a much harder path to follow to reject the school system as it stands, but if it is not right for him it isn't. If going in less frequently suits him, do that. At junior school the Head told me the most important thing was to get him in no matter what, it is an instruction I will always regret following.

I hope you continue to return here,


Juliet
x

Hi Lucy

Go to your GP, even if you go on your own to talk to them and express your concerns, trust your instincts. i wish i had pushed it much sooner with my GP but felt i was being over protective, my son used to just refuse, he now suffers from extreme anxiety and self harms whenever i try and get him to go to school it did take several visits to get the ball rolling and to find the right GP at my local surgery that was willing to listen and help but keep on at them so that they can see it is a problem speak to local parent partnership and senco again, they have a responsibilty to ensure your child stays in school, i have been supported 100% by my GP, paediatrician and now even the Education Welfare Officer is backing me and writing to my sons consultant on my behalf. i've been very proactive contacting even possible agency for help, even though they dont have the answers it is keeping them off my back, and relieving some of the pressure on me.

Nicki