Hi

I haven't reached out to help support as many of you lately! Having my own problems. Here I was thinking it was good that my son was 'mostly' going to school and what a great effort he had made to cope with Year 7.
After parent teacher night and communication with the Year 7 coordinator - I now know that they are only interested in ticking their own attendance and assessment boxes.

Parent teacher night was so negative and they just went on and on about the absences (every teacher). The coordinator quoted my son has having missed 43% of classes. I am not so good at maths but am not sure how 12 days missed can make itself into such a figure. Perhaps it does. But the big problem was that most assessment was given in one week (and he was absent ill). So they tell me he is failing. What do they do with kids who are away because they broke their arm etc? Do they also fail?!!

I started to wonder why the teachers were not engaging directly with us at parent teacher night. After suggesting this to the Year 7 coordinator in an email- his reply was that he made a request that teachers did not offer any individual strategies at the interview night as this 'kind of situation' demands a united front from the school. 'We are a team and as such work together on such strategies.'

He also went on to say 'The school does not have any official documentation from a specialist to suggest he has anything wrong with him and therefore we are not able to modify the curriculum for him.' (They said they didn't need any! I had provided all information about School Refusal but not an official report from the psychiatrist or psychologist or doctor as they said they did not need it!) I should have known. Oh well.

He also goes on to say that as I did not agree with the strategy they wanted put in place (my son to have a paper signed each lesson by the teacher - then if attending one week gets a chocolate frog and two weeks gets to ask a friend to go and get takeaway for lunch). I am sure you all understand ......that kind of thing does not work. And chocolate frogs....well - we might have tried that when he was 6. As for getting take away - he would be too petrified so would ensure he never did two weeks in a row!! They did start him on this without my knowledge and my son was stressed as he said he did not know what to tell his friends why he was getting this thing signed. So I asked for it to stop - nicely. But they seem offended now - and say that because I won't accept 'any of their strategies' then they are leaving my son's attendance completely in my hands.

I am stunned. But then when I take a deep breath. What's new!!? You guys all go through this at secondary school and end up dealing with one individual who doesn't seem to 'get' the problem. When I went to see the Junior School Coordinator and year 7 coordinator I felt very uncomfortable as they were giving me those tired out smiles of 'you are really not trying - just push him and get him to school.' I felt really small. I think next time we meet I have to take my ex husband with me as I think we have to show we are working on this as a 'united front' at least! I think they think I am just too soft. If they saw me every morning they would change their mind....but they don't and they won't ever.

So....I think I am on my own now. They haven't threatened any legal action but they did through the word 'law' around and they also said that if this continues they will 'have to' report continuing absences to the School Refusal Unit. I have asked them if that is the same Unit we have already been to but they do not seem able to answer that one. It is not such a bad thing.....is it? Maybe if they did refer us we'd get the help. And they have not referred us back to the Student Welfare Coordinator and she has not been in touch either. I have asked that I be included in their 'DropBox' system for some homework and assignments and they are ok about that - so one positive!

So - my son has made a great attempt - but it is not good enough - he is 'failing'. Lovely boy though, they tell me. I am at a bit of a loss to know which way forward but I know from reading all your posts and helping out as much as I can - that we are all in this together and most schools will never be able to fit our 'round' kids into their 'square' holes.
I will seek further advice from the psychiatrist and any advice any of you have
re what I can say back to the school or request from them would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening!
Linda

Hi Linda - what can i say - they just don't get it do they !!

What i would ask for - in writing by e mail is exactly what they want from you with regards to reports etc, and ask them what they have done in the past to assist school refusers, and if they say they haven't had one well, that is something i would find very hard to believe.

Are we soft as parents ? no ! what are we expected to do drag our children by the scruff of the neck every morning to school ticking and screaming - is that what they want and then have to deal with them whilst they are there is such as state ?? When i used to litterly force M into school in the early days, the times i managed to get him out of the house and sat in the school carpark for hours trying to get him to go in, by which stage we were both in such a state and by the time we had managed to get into the school i was just so well, you can imagine I then recieved a letter from the school asking me not to go in with him in a morning as it was making things worse - so how was i supposed to get him there ?? ( the magic wand had run out of batteries !! ) Beggers belief !!

So honey, put the ball back in their court, ask them what t exactly the want and see if that helps.

Sorry it's not much to go on, but i am struggling a little as to what to say.

Stay strong and hugs coming your way.

Sarah xx

I am new to this site..but having read through Linda's post sounds so familiar to me....like the fact that they ned bl**dy official forms before they will do anything! It takes months for referalls to come through..mean while they badger you as to why your child isn't at school. It makes you want to scream.
I too am sick and tired of the way they talk and look at you as if you are a failed parent!
I like Sarah's advice of putting the ball in their court..and as i have been spending 2 hours trying to come up with todays excuse for school..
" sorry DD won't be in today as her anxieties have got the better of her"...." sorry DD won't be in today as she doesn't feel very well..headache, tummy ache"...." sorry DD won't be in to school today as she has just had a total meltdown at the mere suggestion of school!"
So I will phone them and say..." sorry DD will not be at school today as her anxieties have got the better of her...HOWEVER..I would be delighted to hear any suggestions of how you have dealt with other children who are school refusers! Many Thanks!!!"

Hi
So sorry to hear what you're going through Linda. I agree with other posts.
Put the ball back in their court. Get them to show their 'contribution' to the whole issue. I use the word contribution lightly. They just see things in black and white sometimes. Life and SR is not that simple.
Have nothing to add, sorry.
Don't let things get you down. A united front with your ex husband is an excellent idea. I often felt that teachers thought mothers and me, especially, too soft for their good.
Best of luck.

Virginia

Thanks Sarah, Nellie and Virginia

I really appreciate your advice - and Sarah - you are right - need to throw it back to them. As there was a delay in time zone for your responses I think that is what I actually did when I sent a reply email to them with very brief points. It must have had an effect as I had a call from the Welfare Coordinator last night. She said that the year level coordinators were talking of having to report the absences to the education authorities (probably in fact by throwing it back to them - this is the only way they knew what to do). She had begged them not to do that until she had phoned me to see what the story was. They should have referred me to her again much earlier but I should have probably also been in touch -but you know what it is like when you are in the throws of the turmoil!

She says I have to provide a new diagnosis as after three years it is too old. So to get the psych to do this and outline what my son has, how it effects him, how he suffers and what she is doing with us and what the school can do to support or help. She said that until then the school believed they could not do anything to adapt to my son's condition. I also went to my local doctor and he said that the trouble is my son is 'not bad enough' and so falls through the cracks of direct support and also monetary support. And yet - as he said - it is really just as bad as another child who is not going at all.

So - with a struggle this morning I finally got him to school quite late. I will get the psych report - and just wait and see what happens. Meanwhile I will be really pushing for information on medication and more cognitive behaviour therapy. This has gone on too long for my son and trying to manage it as it is must be so stressful for him and it is sending me insane!
Thanks again everyone - I will let you know how we progress. I really appreciate the support on here - it is just the only thing that keeps me going sometimes : )