Yes it has come to it that son no2 is refusing. He won't really open up as to what the matter is, i know there are a couple of friendship issues but he has so many friends that shouldn't be a problem.

He wasn't well yesterday at all, but as the night progressed he brightened up. When i appraoched the subject of school he just shrugs his shoulders and won't speak but it, except that he thinks his brother has the perfect life of a tutor at home and plenty of free time. This quite annoyed M as he would have loved to be able to go to school and enjoy time with his friends.

This morning son 2 refused. I stayed very calm and said that he had the day to think about what he was doing, and if he still refused then i would have to take action and report this to the school and education welfare. My mum last night bless her didn't get annoyed about, and said to me not to get upset and that we would deal with it and get it sorted - just those few words helped me no end.

Lets see what tomorrow brings, but i will calmly take x box live from him and restrict him going out to isolate him from his friends. I know this sounds a little harsh as i have always said don't isolate SR, but i really don't think this is an anxiety problem at all and he has to learn that staying at home is no fun.

I have said to him if he won't tell me then i can't help. Amazed myself at how calm i stayed but not sure how long it will last - hoping to learn from past mistakes and handle this a different way !!

What's your thought guys?

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah,

My heart goes out to you...this must be so hard to take! I think you are doing the right thing. You know what your gut feeling is and whether there have always been differences between your two sons. I know you haven't ever mentioned him having anxiety like your eldest. Try this strict approach and see what happens. Good that your mother is ok with him and you at the moment as it really does impact on all family members, doesn't it.
Well done to you for staying calm. Let us know how it goes - and I do hope things improve for you - you really could do without this! As if you don't have enough already!?
Take care - and sending a big hug from down under
Linda xx

Hi Sarah,

I'm so sorry to hear this and I think you are going about it in the right way.
Although my daughter would accuse me of being harder on her than her sibling. I guess that is because like you, I don't think my daughter is anxious in the way her brother is and so am I harder on her. Wrong I know...My daughter too thinks her brother has the perfect life and on the surface it does look great but we know differently.

Sarah, stay strong and I am so glad you have your mum there to support you. I really hope this is still just a blip and now that he can see you are taking action, he will respond to that. Life is just not fair.

lots of love sophy

Thanks Linda. A different approach has to be the way as i got it wrong first time. Saying that i didn't realise the extend of M's anxieties and i honestly believe that senior school was the catalist in it all.

Does little M have the same problems ? Not sure i have come across a SR who started refusing in year 8 ?

Mum is great, and she has been all day today so far with him and yes her support is fantstic i don't know what i would have dome without it.

I do feel that seeing their father over the Easter holidays has had a detrimental effect on him as they are just not sure when they will see him again, it could be another year !!

I did ask him to speak with his son, uuumm but i know he won't.

So tomorrow is another day, another obsticle to be climbed but i will not be a victim this time and i am going to stay calm arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Sarah xx

I'm so glad I found this forum.
Stay calm and not being the victim, that is sound advice.

Its a struggle to keep calm and not feel responsible everytime there is a fail :-(

Hi Peter

Do you have a school refuser too ?

Sarah x

Indeed, I just posted on the forum about my daughter in a new thread.
"No School for three months - phobia/depression "

It has been couple of weeks trying to reintroduce. One step forward, two back, that is how it feels. Actually nearer four months.

Apologies Peter i didn't see it but have now and responded.

Sar x

No need to apologise, just a newbie here finding his way around x

lol - blonde day - no brains left !! x

In a bit of a hurry but HE WENT TO SCHOOL - no problems !!

Post later

Sarah xx

Great
Fingers crossed!

Hi Sarah

That's fantastic news. Hopefully it was just a blip and things will be back to normal now.

Sharon x

Great news Sarah, well done you! its so great to hear some good news for a change!

sophyx

Sarah
great news that your son went to school. look forward to update.
You are so lucky to have such wonderful support from your mother.
Keep strong.

Virginia

Hi - well today went well as far as i can tell seems quite happy this evening. Very mixed feelings - on the one hand relieved he went back and hoping he was just being naughty but on the other hand i think there are a few underlying issues, and although he went back today i really don't think we are out of the woods and that's being honest.

When i got home from work yesterday after he'd refused i was very calm (on the outside) and acted like nothing had happened - this reaction confused him, he thought i would be angry and never mentioned school at all. When little M bought up the subject i dismissed it at first, then he realised it had to be talked about. He said you must be really mad and upset about me not goung to school, i just shrugged my shoulders and said your choice mate, if you want to end up losing your friends and become isolated that's your choice, the changed the subject as if nothing was wrong. I knew i was taking a huge risk in playing it that way, but as i didn't get it right before then it was worth a try. After while he asked if his PE kit and uniform was ready as he wanted to go to school early.

I didn't make a fuss about it at all and left it. All last night my stomach was in knots, and when i called him this morning could have cried when he got up.

So we have won todays battle but i think i have a way to go to win the war.

Thank you everyone Sarah xx

Sarah,

I think you deserve a medal! Well done for staying so calm, you really need a huge pat on the back. It is the right way to go, getting upset just makes them feel worse than they already do but it is just so hard to keep it together.

fingers crossed he has a good week.

Sophyx

Thanks Sophy xx

Despite not getting him to sleep until gone 2am this morning he has gone. He did say yesterday that one teacher whom i's spoken to last week about the problem made a sarcastic comment to him - they were in the playground and it stated to rain so were all called in, my son bless him stood waiting for one of his friends to walk in with and the teacher shouted come on don't want you to get wet as you won't come in tomorrow !! Although i am sure it wasn't mean nastily i could really do without comments like that !! Oh and Sophy i wasn't as calm at 2am as i had been but cerainly didn't get as bad as i have done in the past - its so hard when you are sooooo tired !!

He has a sleepover tomorrow night at a friends so i think we will be ok for the rest of the week, but again i don't think this has gone away.

I went into school yesterday regarding M's GCSE's and spoke to the wonderful support teacher who has been amazing - form but fair and mentioned M going to college. He said he's got there in the end. I did cheekily ask if he had any others and his diplomatic reply was there are lots of different issues with different children. Fair play to him for being professional i often wonder what he thinks of me !!

Love to you all.

Sarah xx

Sarah,

That sounds familiar, my son always managed school on a friday as the boys would organise sleepovers on a friday night. Whenever there was a football match he always managed to go too. That's why I founnd it so frustrating because I know he can do it if he puts his mind to it.

But Sarah, you still managed to get him in and you were calm when it mattered.

Re the teacher, do you think you could email her and say something? It makes me so angry especially as you had spoken to her. What was she trying to achieve apart from make your son feel bad? My son's tutor used to scream at him when he was late despite having been in a meeting with his therapist who told her how hard it was just to get out of the car and in the school gates. Grrrr

Enjoy the rest of the week and the weekend.

sophyx

Sophy - i did think about having a word but have decided to leave it as i am in danger of living at the school, and when i do really need help i don't want them to think it trivial.

I just wish people would think before engaging mouth !!

Hope you are ok and thanks for your reply.

Sarah xxxx