Hi everyone, wow I am glad I have found this site! My 16 year old (nearly 17) is school refusing. She has always been inclined to be anxious but has never had a problem with school up until last September when she went into sixth form. It started with her feeling sick in the mornings. We went through everything, different breakfasts, making sure she had enough sleep, Rennies in case of acid reflux, nausea tablets from doctor, but nothing made much difference. She would then go to school feeling sick and sit in lessons during the morning feeling sick. She started to get panicky over time and have to leave the classroom to the loo as she was getting diahorrea. It was embarrassing for her to keep leaving the classroom with all her classmates watching. She struggled with this for ages and then this Feb she just refused to go back after half-term. The school is being supportive and she is getting work to do at home. It is just revision really as she is soon to take her AS levels. The school are going to put her in a separate room for her exams as there is no way she can take them in the big hall at the moment. She says she will be able to manage the exams as long as she is away from the others but she is often quite brave about things and then when it is time to leave she says "I can't do it" and feels ill so I have no idea if she is actually going to be able to get through her exams or not when the time comes.

I know I am luckier that some as she is in sixth form and not legally obliged to be at school so there is none of this getting into trouble with the authorities stuff. However, the worry it is causing our family is just awful. Like other posters, I am trying to not show to her how worried I am and am being supportive and strong for her. But sometimes I want to scream "just get back to bloody school!!" She doesn't want to leave school and is keen on getting her A levels. She is a good, capable student. I know that if she left now and went to get a job, she would take her anxiety into her job so that is not the answer.

We have asked her if she is being bullied, got probs with friends/teachers, she says 'no' to everything. The only thing I can think of is that the school bang on about Uni and her older sister went to Uni in September and I wonder if that has freaked her out i.e. that is going to be me soon but she swears it isn't. She has always had a fear of being sick so I wonder if it just a viscous cycle of feeling sick first thing and then getting into the 'habit' of feeling sick in the mornings and fearing that? I don't know. It is doing my head in trying to get into her head!

I am now on an anti-depressants and they are helping a lot in that I wasn't sleeping and now I am. We have waited for weeks for her to see CAMHS and I am afraid I am not impressed so far. My daughter finds it incredibly hard to talk about her feelings and has always been sensitive and self-contained. I know she needs a psychologist to do CBT or similar for her to tackle her phobia but CAHMS have put her with a counsellor who does do CBT but so far she just trys to get my daughter to talk about her feelings and she can't/won't!! They have diagnosed her as being mildly depressed too but won't put her on a low dose anti-depressant. I can't see the point of her seeing them anymore. There is a private psychologist locally whom I think may be good and I think I am going to have to go down that route even though it will cost a fortune.

We had a slight 'up' today in that she has been withdrawing from her friends too which has worried me sick but today she announced she was going into town with a friend. I was so happy that she was doing something 'normal'.

I just don't know what to do next. I may speak to CAMHS and say, look she needs CBT not straight counselling and if they don't comply (they have told me the waiting list to see a psychologist is months) then I guess I will have to go private?

Thanks for listening and my heart goes out to all of you, especially the lady whose second child is now doing it! I keep saying to myself 'she won't be like this when she is 25'. I don't want to get older but I wish I could fast forward through this as I am fed up of the stress and worry!

R

Hi Ros. Although your daughter is older and has no legal obligation to go to school the fear is no less. I am the mother who's 2nd son refused last week, and boy at times i didn't know where to turn, but i am hoping now he is back that it will all be ok, but i doubt it. He has told me that he feels he has been ignored for years as all my efforts went on his brother, but this is absolute rubbish, infact he was so spoilt that i think that is the problem who knows !!

Sickness - that was the start of my SR son's problems and has been on anti sickness tablets for years and it has got better. At one time he would ask 20x a day if he was going to be sick, and it was a nightmare so i know what you are going through.

Talk to CAMHS as CBT was the one thing that has helped us it really did and don't take no for an answer as you and your daughter need help. I bet you felt like you had won the lottery when your daughter said she was going out, small steps and well done to her.

Sorry i've not been much help, but i am here to support you if i can, even if you just want a rant.

Take care of yourself too.

Sarah xx

Thank you so much Sarah, so nice to know someone understands! The sickness thing, so weird. I saw on another website the sentence "morning nausea or dry retching on waking is common and associated with depression and fears and worries about having to face the new day". This really resonated with me but if only I knew what she was worried/depressed about! She has a happy, secure home life, is pretty, bright and has a small group of close friends. She did have a lovely boyfriend but split up with him recently. She did take herself to bed for a day after that and I was terrified she was going to get really bad depression but she seemed to rally quite quickly and is quite happy pottering about at home, spends quite a lot of time with my husband and I and as I said, is being very good at completing her school work. So hard to understand but I think she just associates school now with feeling/being ill.

I feel so bad for you with what you are going through yet again. I do think it is nothing we have done, we are great mums!! It is their personalities, the way they think and a set of circumstances that have caused this.

I went to a 50th party last night and I don't normally drink that much but was knocking back all sorts of things - had a really good time. It was so nice to enjoy myself and let off steam. I feel like I have been under a cloud for months. All we want as mothers is for our children to be happy and healthy and when they are not it is such an everyday worry. Got a bit of a headache today but it was worth it!

Thinking of you and I am here for you too to chat!

R x

Hi Ros

I was at a 50th party last night too! We were taking the children with us, so was touch and go whether we'd make it as my SR son is sleeping at crazy times and had slept from 12pm - 7pm yesterday. It was good for all of us to get out of the house.

I feel for you, but haven't got much advice. I am in the thick of school refusal with my 12yr old.

Maybe you should push for the help from CAMHS, but in the meantime see a private psychologist if you think this would help your daughter.

Try not to worry too much! (a crazy thing to say, I know) I hope your daughter is able to do the exams, but if not, I am sure A Levels can be done in the future at college when she is feeling better about it.

Sharon

Hi Ros

So glad you found us on here. We understand your stress - and as Sarah says , it doesn't matter when it starts - it is just as stressful! And the frustration is always that there seems to be nothing specific they can put their finger on.
Sounds like you might be waiting too long for CAMHS - I'd go with the private psychologist. They are also often booked out for awhile too but if you stress it is urgent you might get in quicker.
You mention the 'feeling sick' as becoming a fear in itself. I can see that in my son too - but also 'fear of fear itself' and 'fear of something going wrong' and so the 'what if's' become very loud in their head and make it impossible for them to trust that all will be well. They become convinced that something will go wrong and in the case of your daughter - sounds like she then got so worked up that her body showed all the signs of anxiety and fulfilled her prophecy.....but she doesn't realise that her anxiety about it was what brought it on. Difficult situation when the physical symptoms become the major problem.

Good luck - it is stressful - and keep posting - even if it is your frustration as it is better to share than feel you are on your own.
Take care,
Linda xx