Hello All,

I'm new to this Forum and it's great to know there are other parents just like me! My daughter is 12, started her comprehensive school last September and after about a month her attendance started to become patchy. After Christmas she refused to attend at all (19% attendance this year) She is academic, bright and currently undergoing assessment for ASD (she has a number of Autistic traits). She has recently started on a re-integration programme and thank god is attending some sessions at school, although this is very hit and miss. Each day she misses school I feel increadibly guilty as if it's me that's not trying hard enough, I have in fact had to leave my job because of our situation. Do all parents in this situation feel this way? Support in school is limited, I think they do try but it is unorganised and half hearted. The anxiety it all causes my daughter is unbelievable often leading to physical sickness, violent outbursts etc. Anyway thanks for reading.

Andrea

Welcome to our group, Andrea.

You will find a great bunch of supportive people here - some of them (all of them?) are life savers. When you are feeling low - this is the place to come. But we also like sharing little successes too.

We, in Scotland, are nearing the end of the school year, and this can be a difficult time as people put delays into the support/help we should be getting, and suddenly it is holiday time and the problems seem to go away.

You are clearly feeling under pressure yourself, but you need to keep the pressure on the school, health centre, etc., to get the support your daughter needs so everything is in place for the next school year.

We have to remain strong for our children, so take care of yourself, too.

Yours aye,

Simon

Welcome Andrea

As Simon said there are many supportive posters on this site, and they will have great advice for you. Sorry to have to find the site under such tough circumstances. Have been there and know how you feel. The sense of hopelessness and failure I have felt in the past was overwhelming at times. But we are all our kids have and we will always be there for them.
Keep at the school and authorities, keep a diary of any meeting etc.
Don't give up there are such wonderful success stories here at times that do help.
Best of luck.

Virginia

Hi Andrea,

Welcome and glad you found us! We do understand exactly what you are going through and it is tough. Like Simon and Virginia have said - keep on at the school and keep notes of the outbursts your daughter has and the successes you have etc.

I used to also feel the guilt eating me away. Guilt is an awful thing and it drains you of energy. If you can lift yourself past that you will gain some strength. Don't let guilt take over. You are doing all you can - your daughter does not know what is happening to her at this point. Don't worry about what others might think or in fact what they say. I have felt that and back then I thought I would strangle anyone who yet again suggested I wasn't parenting properly! It has been many years now and guilt only occasionally takes me because I have learnt to tell others this is an anxiety 'disorder' and learnt to ignore comments from other parents 'if it was my child etc' and have given the school medical reports from psychologists to make sure they know I am doing all I can.

You will need to get more help either via CAMHS by the sounds of it or seek private. I always recommend Cognitive behaviour therapy as it does help turn those negative thoughts round. Even if your daughter has a mild form of autism - this wiill help. Many of our children tend to have some similarities to those on the ASD but it doesn;t mean they have autism. Anxiety can also cause similar symptoms including finding it difficult to keep or make friends, not liking loud noises or crowds and so forth. So many things overlap.

And Simon is right - you need to stay strong yourself. It is so hard, isn't it. And having to leave your job must have really been difficult. I have turned to my artwork to do something that is therapeutic and creative. But it might even mean half an hour a day that you just put your feet up with a cuppa and a book or mag. Get a massage, or go for a daily walk. And check in with parents on here - they saved me in those early years when I was at my wits end. Just knowing I was not alone has been a tremendous help as we are all made to feel that we are alone on this.

Go and make that cuppa now - and remember, you are a good mum and you are there for your daughter and that is important. The road is a bumpy one but there are success stories on here and especially if you take into account that a small step is a great step for our kids. My son mostly goes to school these days - it is an effort and a strain - but whilst the school thinks it is not good enough - I know that it could be so much worse! You might not get your daughter back to school totally or at all - and that doesn't matter either. They will find their way with your help and the support of others through their education in whatever form it takes. Their road will not be straight. Some on here have home schooled - others have managed to get tutors. School education is not everything- but I know how much pressure there is from society, friends and family to get to school every day that we feel we have failed. We have not failed...the system fails our children. Round pegs in square holes never worked.

Sorry for the long email but I do feel for you - and there are lots on here who can answer specific questions you might have. It is a great place for just saying what you feel, letting off steam, and gaining insight. Let us know how you are feeling and how things go over the next few days.
Take care,
Linda

Thanks everyone for your support and advice it's really appreciated. I'm really pleased I've found the Forum, it's good to know that I'm not the only one in this situation, in fact I'm suprised at how many people are in this situation. I've got a meeting at school tomorrow where I can hopefully resolve a few issues, I feel that they're trying to rush things, wanting her straight back into normal lessons after her period of absence without any extra support. The worry for me is that we may end up back to square 1 if they push too hard, so I'm going to dig my heels in and insist that she needs some extra help in school.

Hope the meeting at school goes ok. Definitely best to take things slowly with going back to school. How does your daughter feel about it?

Sharon

Hi,

The meeting in school went well and they've agreed to give her support in the lessons which she struggles in yay!! I'm not really sure how she feels about it, she talks about school as if she's there all the time, even though she's not been for months. If I ask her how she feels I just get an ok, this seems to be a standard response though and doesn't mean anything really. I've asked school to do some work with her about recognising her emotions and also managing anxiety, which they've also agreed to, but I don't know how far they'll take it.
Anyway she got ready and went into school this afternoon quite happy, no refusal, no illness, no meltdowns which is fantastic, but she's done this before and it's lasted only a couple of days before we've been back to square 1. I just take each day as it comes now and expect the unexpected. Keeping my fingers crossed for the next couple of weeks.

That's good to hear, Andrea. I hope she can keep it up . Even if she gets there most days.
Linda

Hi Andrea, that's brilliant that your daughter went in ok and that you are getting help from the school. Our school have been brilliant in helping my 16 year old daughter, very sympathetic and willing to accommodate her fears (putting her in different rooms for exams, saying she can come in for an hour and then go again) which has helped me enormously, I don't know what I would have done had they been the opposite.

You may find that your daughter gets a bit better now as she feels more supported by everyone. She knows that the school know how she feels and that can take the pressure of "I must appear be be well and ok today" off her.

I hope the positivity continues. What your daughter has proved to herself is that she can go in happily if she has a mind to. Hopefully the fact that she can go in ok sometimes will build up her confidence. My daughter has done three exams now (albiet in a separate room and not in the big hall) but the very fact she has done them and not had a melt-down has made her more confident that she CAN do it. We have yet got the worry of getting her back to normal school hours which will be in June, but yesterday she said "when I go back in June..." which was very positive so fingers crossed!

Keep us posted of how it is all going!

R x

Your story sounds very positive, Ros. It is good to read things like this. I note your other post too about CBT and how it has helped but like me, you have had to go private. Unfortunately I don't think the education departments have the money to ensure that all psychologists are up to date and the best people at the time.
Not everyone can afford it - but if possible it is worth considering going short somewhere else in order to get the right help.

Linda

Hi Linda, yes, as usual it is all about the money. The CAMHS leaflets reassuringly said that they offer counsellors, art therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists etc and I really thought she would see a psychologist which is why I went down that route firstly. My daughter was assessed by a social worker (!) and then put with a counsellor who straight away told me she would not be able to see her every week. I knew right from the start she needed to see a psychologist who was going to give her the 'tools' to diminish her anxiety rather than just sit and talk about it.I feel rather misled and we have wasted precious time. I got the impression that they didn't think school refusal was serious enough and that her anxiety was not severe. Well I disagree, if you cannot go to school your anxiety IS severe.

Still, we are paying now and I do feel it is helping and as you say, if we have to go without in other areas it will be worth it!

Just seen your other reply on the CBT thread, interesting. I will have a read of that link later.


R x