Hi,
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated regarding my 15 year old son. He hasn't been to school now for 2 years and finally I have realized that he will never be going back. I dont really know what the problem is but we left his dad after years of domestic violence. More verbal than physical, and I believe this has give my son low self esteem and lacking confidence with social skills. He is happy at home on his computer and in his own little world. It isn't just school, he isn't interested in anything. He has no social life and only one friend who he only communicates with through his computer. Now and again he might go to the cinema with his friend but thats about it. It is impossible to talk to him about anything, he just doesn't want to know. I ask him about what he will do later in life but he just wont talk about it. My main problem now is not so much education but getting him motivated to live his life. Has anyone got any suggestions please. I am desperate now. Thank you.

Hi Loraine,

Sounds tough all right! So sorry to hear about all your issues here. And i know what it feels like as a sole parent - but we do our absolute best, don't forget that.

What has the school said or done to help? Have you had any diagnosis for anxiety or depression from your doctor (A good starting point). What about CAMHS? They should have made a referral by now? Any outcome?
If you can get it clearer in your head what you might be dealing with - you might feel more able to go forward.
I always keep putting forward Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - and still feel from what I have read and experienced with my son - it got him to accept his anxiety and to try at least to change his negative thought patterns that for many of our children have got in a total rut and they can't see any positives. Our brains can change - and CBT does help this. I know it is expensive - but if you can at all afford to go private - try and find a psychologist who does CBT and works with adolescents. You need to check first if they are doing CBT. If you can put the pressure back on the school, however, and get involved with CAMHS - you can also request the same. But you may have noticed my post on another link here that not all school psychologists are trained properly to deal with School Refusal. The word School Refusal of course- as you have observed - is a word that tends just to focus on the school when in fact your son (and mine has been the same) prefer the comfort zone of the house but their self esteem plummets.

There are some really good points in your story for you to hang on to. The fact that your son has a friend - and occasionally goes out - is a light to move towards. Your son might not be able to go back to mainstream school but the school should be giving you support - offers of tutors and so forth.
Sarah on here has often mentioned others get in touch with their local parent group (I forget the full name) as they will give you support and maybe come up with further suggestions.

Sorry I am always posting long messages - but my heart goes out to you so I want to help in any way I can. First I'd make the school do some work for you and provide support and secondly or in the meantime - find a good psychologist who works with CBT. And if you think your son might work from home - any chance of home schooling or is that completely out of the question with your work?
Let us know what you can find out and what steps you can do to move forward.
We are here to help and also listen - so please post at any time as you are not alone
Take care,
Linda xx

hi Loraine, my daughter hasnt been to school since she was 11 - she was 16 in February, so she missed the last 4 years. where abouts are you? we are in dorset. Lucy spends the majority of her time communicating with friends she has never met on the internet, either MSN, facebook or Playstation network. She has made some really good cyber friends, one girl in particular that lives in America & she has to stay up until 3am to talk to! she does have one real-life friend but prefers at the moment to stay at home. I have asked her about going to college, as she wants to do a computer course (software development/repairs) but she wants to do distance-learning - she said she would go to college if we moved to another area where she wouldnt meet anyone from school, is your son the same? She used to stay up all night on the computer but since Xmas, after 4 years of up all night & sleeping all day its slowly changing. She goes to bed around midnight and is up around 10am - we are getting there! Just leaving her to sort it out seems to be working. After fighting the system during the first 6 months we opted for the Home Education route which allowed her to recover from whatever anxiety school caused.

Hi Loraine - if his self confidence isn't good then this will affect him, and he will retreat into his own world. He will eventually open up and discuss things with you, but it has to be in his time and unfortunatley pushing it won't help, i learnt this the hard way, but as parents we feel we need to know everything that's going on. How is your son being educated at the moment ? are you getting any support from the school gp or camhs ? I promise you it will get easier for both of you, and he will open up when he finds out for himself what the problem is, as he may not know himself what is wrong.

My son after 5 years of refusing still doesn't really know where it all went wrong and it is only now that he will really talk about it - he would love to become a therapist of some kind to help chldren with anxiety and maybe he will, but he has alot of confidence building himself first.

So my advise is to keep supporting, keep listening and be there for him, i know it's hard but he will make it.

take care Sarah xx

Hi Linda,
Thank you for your post. Its always nice to know you're not alone!
Well firstly the school has tried in every way possible. They have said he can go into a special unit for an hour a week which he done once then refused to go again even though he only played a game of scrabble when he was there. We have been referred to CAMHS and he had a home tutor but he refused to come out of his bedroom and sit with her. Then she just left some work for him to do but it was like a fight trying to get him to even look at it. Then I went to see psychologist on my own because my son refused to go. He decided he wasn't autistic which I already knew but he finally done a home visit so he could see for himself. Until the 28th May I wont know what conclusions he come too but he did say that he understood there was no way I was going to get him to see anyone. This is what it boils down to really. The fact that he doesn't think he has a problem and wont talk to anyone about it. He only talks about what he wants too and anything 'serious' he just wont talk about. Yes he has a friend and sees him occasionally but it is a major effort and he cant wait to get back home. He never seems to enjoy doing anything. He has been offered all sorts of things but unless he is willing to engage they cant do anything and that is my major problem. I feel I need just to find an opening, something that interests him, where he can make some friends and realize there is more to life but what that is I just dont know. Thanks Linda x

Loraine - does your son go on x box live ? x

Hi Lorraine,

Your story sounds so familiar! From my own and others on here. Uncanny really.
As I have said, however, my son has made a turning point of some kind after accepting he has anxiety and also with the cognitive behaviour therapy. It is still a struggle but he mostly makes it to school and seems ok now once he is there.

THe psychiatrist described my son's behaviour that was like your son as having separation anxiety from his comfort zone as well as some separation anxiety from me. She now says it has more a 'social anxiety' component at the fore.

Not sure how you get them to do school work - I am still battling that one!!
Did you say your son has some on-line friends? My son had on-line friends via the game MineCraft and they all seem a bit like him! They were older, at Uni level or higher up in school - so when he told one or two he had anxiety I was really impressed with the advice they gave. It seems to have given him some confidence to be able to come back to them on days when he is feeling low. And now he also plays a game on-line sometimes with a friend from school.

Good luck and take care - something will turn up but it might just take time. Small steps and make sure you son knows you accept him for where he is now and are with him to help take those small steps.
Linda

Hi Maureen,
Thank you for your message. My son sounds very much like your daughter. He spends all his time on the computer and stays up all night playing games with people he has never met. He will go to bed about 5.00am and gets up about 2.00pm just as I get in from work. He too as got one real life friend but he still prefers just to talk on line rather than go out. He has excellent computer skills but at 15 doesn't want to talk about what he is going to do when he leaves school. As I said previously he hasn't got any interest in anything outside of his bedroom. I am at constant school meetings etc but I know he will definately not go to school now so I am hoping as he gets a bit older he will start to think differantly about his life. The lady that visits him from connextions has given me a bit of hope because she says there are a lot of opportunities out there even if they have no qualifications. Have you done your own home tutoring and if so how did you go about it. I have had tutors round but he refuses to engage with them. He just doesn't seem to be interested in anything at the moment. I've never got to the bottom of the problem with school but I'm sure it is a confidence thing and his lack of social skills but he doesn't think he has a problem. I have learnt to just live with the situation because being a lone parent with no family to help was really stressing me out so basically I just go with the flow now!!

M used to say that x box was his world - no worries, no one knowing his problems and he could be who he wanted to be, and at times still goes back into that world. I have just fetched him back from friends and as usual the topic was the forum and what was happening. Quite strange really until recently he has never wanted to discuss SR but now he is quite vocal about it all and interested. He does feel the more you push the harder they will push back which isn't helpful. He taught me how to handle him really, to listen when he wanted to speak, to sit with him and not talk when he had panic attacks, and not to go on and on about school 24/7 and to have some normality at times. He also didn't like it when i tried to trick him into talking, he wanted straight honest conversations and not to tiptoe round him. But saying all this he had to come to terms with his problems himself first, and that was a wait and a half.

18 months ago he had just taken his first step outside of the house as he had months and months of aggrophobia, and even sitting in the dining room for meals was a diffucult for him, and the panic attacks were unbearable. Today he has been into work, met his friends at lunchtime, walked into town, and then back to friends - oooowwwww how things have changed, and i do feel that my "stepping back" a little has helped. I remember saying, right you're not going back to school so then you will do your work at home with your tutor, your choice. You don't go to school but i won't take your x box away but you don't go on it during school hours, your choice ( he did at times go on it on curfew times but it was usually after asking ) He has matured so much - he even went into the shop on the way home without me !!

So what i am saying is don't give up, give it time and support and love him for the way he is. As M said none of our kids want to be like this and they just can't help it.

Stay in touch, we are here to help, but also look after yourself which is hard because this problem takes over your whole life.

Lots of love xx

Hi Linda,
Thank you. I can see by you and others that the problem is more common than I thought. The people he plays the games with as you said seem to be the same. My son doesn't seem unhappy or depressed, in fact he seems quite happy. He has been playing these games for years now and I find it hard to believe that he never seems to get bored with them which is what I keep hoping for. He cannot see a problem with himself at all but I'm sure it is a social anxiety problem. Up until recently if someone official came round to see him he would be rude and refuse to talk to them, getting under his bedcovers or hiding in the wardrobe! Over the last couple of months he sits in one place and does answer when they talk to him. I think he realizes it is easier and the sooner he talks the sooner they will go, but to me it is progress. Anyway thank you and take care.
Loraine

Hi Sarah,

Yes in my opinion I think it is all down to confidence but he doesn't think he has a problem. I kept trying to talk to him and find out what the problem was but he doesn't want to listen or talk to me or anyone else. He has seen a pychologist who had to do a home visit because he refused to go to him but I haven't seen his report yet. CAHMS have been involved but he isn't interested in education at all. There has been quite a lot done but he doesn't engage with anyone so nothing ever happens. My worry he more to do with the social side of his life now than the educational side. At the moment I still see him sitting in the same place when he's 30!! Fingers crossed.
Loraine

Hi Loraine

Our children rarely think they have a problem because in their eyes it's everyone else, self denial im afraid but this is common you are not alone. If he goes on x box i am sure my son will chat to him if that would help ?

Sarah xx

Hi Sarah,

You are right, it is his life and to him it is normal so he doesn't think he has a problem. Unfortunately he doesn't use an X- box as it was left at our old house when we moved. I have tried asking his dad about it but he keeps making excuses as to where it is. Think he probably sold it.
It would of been great for him to talk to your son
Thank you x

will put my thinking cap on there must be a way but must be subtle !! what county are you in ?

S xx

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for your help and advice.

I live in Luton in Bedfordshire. Where are you? x

Hi we are in Staffordshire x