Hi all

I am at my wits end and am not sure what to do

My daughter is 11 and has a long history of trying to refuse to go to school.

Nursery, reception and year one
I had to dress her every morning while she cried and kicked out, she just clung to me when we got there and refused to leave me so had to be held by a member of staff so that i could get out of the classroom

Year two
still having to get her dressed, still crying and screaming in the mornings, she would go in but hide behind all the coats

year three
the teacher commented that she seemed almost traumatised by the move to her class, she would hide under tables and behind coats. She also started throwing books around the classroom and having extreme tempers at school having to be restrained a lot or do her work in the corridor. We took her to camhs at this time as she had other problems in and out of school. When camhs requested school report the teacher didnt tell them any of her difficulties but sent a letter saying what an amazing child she was so camhs discharged her.

year 4 and 5
same as above, she needs someone to hold her in the mornings so i can slip out. She is usually screaming at this point begging me not to leave her :(

year six (now)
well this year has been a complete nightmare i still have to dress my kicking screaming 11 year old child every school morning
A typical morning is
wake daughter up and drag her out of the top bunkbed while she attempts to grab onto everything in grabbing distance, then i have to dress her, if she gets out of my grip she gets undressed and back into bed so its starts all over again. All of this is done while she is kicking screaming and being sick in her mouth and swallowing it
put a school bar in her bag as she will refuse to eat breakfast
drag her to car and try and get her in then run round to drivers side as fast as i can so she doesnt get back out of the car.
drive to school while holding her seatbelt clip to stop her opening the seatbelt and trying to stop her hitting me while i am driving.
drag her into the school building while trying to keep her hands in so she wont grab something as soon as we get in the building she runs to the chairs and hide behind them curling into a ball still crying and refusing to move
the head comes out and we manhandle her into the office and i slip out as quick as i can
after this i am told that it can take upto a couple of hours to get her to move or do anything. She spends this time in the heads office curled into a ball on one of the chairs.

Well three weeks ago i managed to get a 2nd opinion at a neighbouring camhs. He has written to my camhs saying that in his opinion she has ASD, selective mutism, genralised anxiety disorder, dyspraxia and school refusal. but i now have to see if my camhs (who didnt beleive me last time) will agree in order to start treatment or whether they will disagree and we will be kicked to the curb again

After having this appointment i have to admit i have cracked up a bit. I cannot keep dragging her into school like this, i am exhausted (i have three other children one of them with ASD) i feel like i am destroying her every time i drag her in and i just dont have the strentgh to keep doing this emotionally or psyically.

The school say 'oh but she is fine, she isnt disruptive she just sits in the corner and we ignore her till she comes round then she is fine for the rest of the day' it breaks my heart to think of her sitting there.

The school say it is my responsibility to get her in, she has been off now for 2 weeks and they have not rang once. I have rang them and asked for appointments and asked what help i can get to get her in and i have been told there is no help its up to me i have managed to get an appointment with the head on friday but i dont even know what i need to ask for or what to say other than 'she refuses to come in'

we are appealing a note in leiu at the moment as everyone keeps telling me how fine she is once she has settled grrr

any help would be appreciated as i dont know how long i can keep doing this

thank you
nae

Hi Nae,

Welcome, this is a great site to come to and get advice, get things of your chest and to receive a cyber hug because we all know how you feel.

Your poor daughter, I am sorry to say this and others may disagree with me but her school has let her down big time. I cannot believe that you have had to struggle with this for so long with no help, maybe they feel it is a reflection on them if they admit things arn't right. The first thing I would do is stop fighting with her, this is upsetting you and most importantly her and I would tell the school that she is suffering from severe anxiety (which is a recognised illness) and that she won't be at school until you have seen your local Camhs again. I would also ask to be referred to a different person (than you saw last time) at Camhs and would also request that you have an appointment with the psychiatrist who is attached to them a.s.a.p.

The reality is that your daughter is due to start secondary school this September and for a lot of us this is when our problems have really started. Really stick to your guns and go and see anyone and everybody about this including your GP, do not let the school bully you they are only interested in their attendance figures and don't appear to have been of any support to you or your daughter.

And finally, don't blame yourself or your daughter this is no ones fault, go and give her a big hug you will get through this together just like everyone of us one here

hi
welcome to the site.
you will find wonderful support and help her.
I was shaking my head as I read your post at the inability of experts to screw up so much over and over again.

How they fail to see that dragging a child into school every day is too traumatic for the child and its parent, is unbelievable.

You have been going through the mill with this. I second Sue in her advice. See someone else, someone who has a different viewpoint. The school is failing your child in their approach. My heart goes out to her.

I hope you get the help needed, but in the meantime could you stop taking her into school and give her the chance to just 'be'.

Best wishes and stay strong

SOUNDS SO traumatic for you both - you will get good support and advice here

thinking of you

Hi

Thanks :) i needed people who understand right now. I have stopped dragging her in and she is on her second week now of not being in school.

I have to admit it has been a lot less stressfull and already she seems a lot happier.

I have a meeting with the head tommorrow and I think I will take your advice and just outright tell them she isnt coming back until we have seen camhs. Thank you for your support

nae

Hi Nae,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry to hear how traumatic everything is right now. Sue has given you some very good advice here - backed up by the others.
I totally agree that you need to stop dragging her in. I've been there. Let her know you are going to do everything you can to find out how to make her better. Her mental health is so important and yet the school is forcing you to feel guilty if you don't drag her in.

My son also started the school refusal in Prep - and had separation issues in Kinder. I remember all the screaming, yelling, kicking and hitting as he refused to let me get him dressed - trying to get a neighbour to pin him down whilst I dressed him. I shudder at those days now as it was just a horrific time - and so I know exactly how you feel - you must be so totally exhausted yourself (I sought some counselling and had a weekly massage that helped!).

It came to a point where I just stopped. And when I stopped I found myself able to accept that my son had a problem that wasn't going to go away. This has helped him come to realise and accept he has anxiety.

The school also told me my son was fine once he was there. And so the case may be - but....no body else sees what absolute trauma they go through just getting there. For my son, we are now able to talk through this after he had cognitive behaviour therapy to change his thoughts. He is still needing more of this therapy - but it has helped enormously. He is now mostly going to school and I never drag him - he does need some firm encouragement - and I don't always keep my patience :( but he is the one working through his thoughts more now rather than facing a frightening wall of unkown fear every morning. He can now be more specific about what he is 'what iffing 'about.

I also had to seek private help from a psychologist and psychiatrist as the school basically failed me. I don't know if you can afford that - but it was well worth it for me.

Put the pressure back on the school first and see if you can get a meeting with camhs. Give your daughter some big hugs and tell her you and her will be able to work this out and work together - and that you understand that she doesn't qiuite know what is so fearful. I used to talk to my son about it being a dragon that he had to tame. Now we talk about it as the 'anxiety barrier' that he has to break through (and the other side is never as bad once you are there).

Don't beat yourself up about the dragging in - we have all been there. And some are still there - it is just something that we end up doing because what else can we do at the time!! And don't let anyone make you feel guilty if you dont get her to school. You are doing all you can for your daughter - and what you decide is for the health of your daughter - others can't possibly have any idea what you go through.

I am glad you found this site.
There is light at the end of the tunnel....always small steps - but our kids get there in the end even if the education takes a different road. Some home school - some get tutors - some find their kids manage as much school as they can.
For my son it oesn't work every week....and I have dread every morning.....but generally things are rolling along much better as he attends 3-4 days a week now and you might find this also happens once the pressure is taken off your daughter for awhile and then she receives some help so that she doesn't think she is going crazy. Give your daughter abig hug and tell her you understand how she feels (even if you are still working on that one!!). What is she like at home?

Take care and let us know at any time how you are feeling,
Linda x

Hi Nae,

Just another thought, tell your daughter that a lot of kids go through this and feel like she does. I know for my daughter that once she realised that she wasn't the only one who this has happened to or who had her fears etc she seemed much more accepting of her anxiety especially when she found out that there are other kids who are going through this and have gone through this at her school. I think that we are still a long way of her getting back to school but the home tuition she has received since Easter has given me my daughter back, a happy full of fun 12 year old, the angry frustrated outbursts and battles have ceased and it is as if she finally believes that people understand how she feels and that she is not to blame for it.

Keep smiling and try not to loose your sanity

Sue X

Nae

It's posts like this that break my heart, again, I totally agree with all the other comments, you are right to stop dragging your daughter in every day, it doesn't do either of you any good, we have all done it but one day it just hits you and only then can things start to change, our children are going through so much, I will never forget the look of terror on my son's face the day I dragged him into school, it will haunt me for the rest of my life, that was the day I realised that i was letting my son down, I never did it again, we are the only people they trust and we need to be there 100% for them, I'm sorry for the rant but this is something I feel so strongly about, you will get the help and support on this site, and we will help you get through it.

Take care
Dorothy x

Thank you all again

I am so happy to have found this site. The school make you feel like you are at fault as a parent but hearing people who have gone through this has made me realise that it's not me. She has had this problem since she was little and the school has been happy as long as I did the dragging in each morning.

Well now they can get off of their buts and do there bit instead of leaving me to it.

I think i will tell her she isnt the only one as that will help her come to terms with her own thoughts and feelings about this, thanks thats a good idea :)

I have just received the speech and language report that we have paid for and it explains loads. She has speech and language problems and selective mutism so tommorrow im going into that school to dump a copy of the report on there desk and blame them back for not recognising and treating her difficulties for the last 8 years.

You have empowered me and given me the confidance to take control back from the school and give it back to me and my daughter thank you

nae x

Hi Nae. I have to say i agree with Dorothy stories like this are so sad. I read the threads earlier and started to reply, but had to leave it as i was in danger of going on and on and on. Sue gave some good solid advise. You are stuck between what you feel is right for your daugher and what the authorities say you should do, and sadly in most cases they are miles apart. You do need to stop forcing her, we have all been there, and accept she has a problem before you can start the healing process. There is absolutley no point in dragging her in - she needs help and support and you can't do it on your own. If she had a physical illness then she would be off school have medication or whatever was needed to make her better, then she would go back - with anxiety it is exactly the same. Year 6, so can i take it she will go to senior school Sept ? How does she feel about it - does she think a new start would be good ? you may have read through our previous messages, my son attended senior school in total only a few months out of 5 years ! at the begining was it the end of the world - yes, in reality actually no. We have had like all of us a rough ride, but you know we all survive and you will too. Believe in your daughter and she will thank you for it. My son officially left school last week, or should i say compulsory education as he is home educated paid for by the school, he has an apprentiship starting at the begining of July, he now socialises and he is just such a wonderful son he really has.

The one thing he says he can never forgive me for was dragging him into school in the early days and not listening and believing he couldn't do it, but that is what we do, kids go to school !!

Sorry i am rambling in a little, what does your GP say ? are you in contact with your Education Welfare Officer ? and keep a diary about everything. I am a big fan of Parent Partnership they have been fantastic for me in supporting me, as has my GP.

It isn't an easy road, but you will get there. My son was aggrophobic for months and months and would just sit in his bedroom and be on his computer or x box, only leaving to eat or on occassions wash !! He had multiple panic attacks, he panicked he was having a heart attack most days, and he was a mess. He would never open up to me or talk about his problem because he didn't know what the problem was, all he knew was he was terrified of school.

He has written on the forum a couple of times, and we have the most wonderful relationship now and such mutual repsect for each other, something we may not have had if we hadn't fought such a battle together, who knows.

His relationship with his brother wasn't good at all, but now, well best mates ( most of the time )

Believe in yourself, you can do this, listen to your daugher and do what you think is right. You will find most people don't understand, that's their problem not yours. We are all here for you, we understand and will help in any way we can.

Hope you have a good weekend.

Sarah xx

Nae

you go girl, don't let anyone stand in your way.

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi all

Well things look like they are settling down. DD still not in school but school have agreed with me about not forcing her now.

We are leaving it until after half term (the headmistress suggested this) then after half term she is only going to go in for the lessons she feels she can cope with. Lets hope this works.

Thanks for the advice and support

Hello,
As your daughter has an ASD diagnosis, are there any groups locally which can offer you both some support? I have come across ASD children who really dig their heels in about some (or all) aspects of school. Most schools are not geared up to support them. Are there any provisions for transition support as she moves into secondary school? There may be something in place that you haven't been recommended for if the ASD diagnosis is recent. There are things secondary schools can put in place to help (although not all do).If you are thinking that secondary school attendance might be possible you need to be in contact with the school now before the end of the school year.

Not sure what your position is but online schooling might be a possibility if you think attending the local school is not going to work out. There are 3 online schools in the UK that I know of. Fees are advertised as around £2,500 per year but this figure needs checking as, ironically, the websites of the schools aren't always up to date. Also, your education authority may provide online schooling for children with a recognised illness (usually requires a consultant's letter rather than GP's). If not there is still an obligation to provide education at home for children who are too sick to attend (think this kicks in after 15 days but you'd need to check). Anxiety disorder should be enough but I'm sure others here will be able to advise.