Hi Everyone, I have been reading some of this forum for the past 4 months. My heart goes out to you all and can understand your pain. I have a lot of stuff to tell you about what our family has been through and I hardly know where to start but I hope it helps someone out there like me who didn't know what to do. I wish I knew about this problem last year. I live in Australia and I know most of you are in the UK. I am not a very interesting writer but here goes.

It all started in April or May last year. My husband said he had news of a big promotion and that he was going to move to another town to take the job (It wasn't that simple but that's another story). I didn't really want to leave where we were living (Nth QLD) as my son had recently left school and had an apprenticeship with my dad and left home to live with them 80 or so klm's away. We only got to see him on weekends and moving to a smaller town over 1500km south west would mean I wouldn't see him much and he was only 15 at the time. Yes, he left school early, he hated it but he was doing well working with my Dad and was loving it so I was happy for him. The two girls, aged 10 and 13 were doing well at their schools and had friends but after many family discussions and with their blessing we decided to make the big move during the school holidays in June/July. I also worked for the same company as my husband and they gave me a job at the new town also.
Moving from a humid area to a much cooler area in winter was awful. The house we moved into had no heating so we bought oil heaters but nearly froze. The first day the girls started at their new schools the temp was -6 first thing in the morning. Living in Tropical Nth Queensland all my life and never having experienced cold weather it was a shock to the system. We spent the first 2 weeks settling in and getting used to the town, even visiting the schools and asking for a tour shortly before the girls started. My youngest started school at the local public school and my older daughter started at the public high school. It was a smaller town that where we were living so not too much choice of schools.

The first day my 10 year old started at her new school, she was very nervous but went and off I went to start my new job at the same company both my husband and I worked for. At about lunch time I got a call on my mobile phone from my home phone number. I had left the door unlocked. I was shocked that it was from my 10 year old daughter telling me she had just run away from school. I panicked and left work and drove home. I was very upset and rang the school who didn't even realise what had happened as she had run away during the lunch hour. I took her straight back there and apologised to her and the teacher and then went back to work. The next day she was still nervous but I took her back. It happened again only this time she ran all the way to our work across a busy highway and came up to my office, following shortly behind was the principal who saw her and followed her in the car to see she was safe. To cut a long story short if that's possible, this happened on and off for the next 6 months. At one stage it got better when she made a couple of friends but then had relapses. My husband and I tried first gently talking her into going (which was very hard) then if she ran away she got taken straight back. I'm embarrassed to say we even yelled at her when it got too much and occaisionally smacked her in frustration when she ran away. I found that after any school holidays and weekends she got worse and it came to a breaking point after 6 weeks of school holidays and starting the new year. She started running away every day and developed strong panic attacks. The school's tactic at the time was to first ignore it, then they let her sit in the library nearly the whole day, sit with the principal or teacher's aide, then they got her to see the school chaplain. There was no mention of psychologists or other help. After enduring a full 2 or 3 weeks at the beginning of this year the school said we can't help you anymore and it's best if she didn't come. My husband and I decided that it would be best if myself and the children moved back to Nth Qld so I quit my job and moved back into my house which we had to pay thousands to get the renters out early.

Looking back I can't believe how stupid and selfish I was to not quit work earlier and deal with this, but until I moved back I had no idea what this problem was. When we arrived back here I enrolled her into the old shool thinking "she'll be right in a couple of weeks". It was not to be. She reacted with the same panic and fear just walking into the school. The school told me that if she tried running away they would ring the police as that is their policy. So scared that this would happen and also as this city is much bigger than the other, I was not game to leave her there and she has spent every day at home with me since we moved back in late February.Even knowing she would see some of her old friends again did not change her feelings. After meeting with the principal and guidance officer at her new "old " school, they agreed to let her start any way she sees fit. Either sit in the library, go to class for half and hour, for a start, whatever. I asked them for school-work but they wouldn't give it to me at first but now they have allowed her to do online/printable lessons from the Australian curriculum provided for distance ed students. She does them including assignments and tests and the class teacher marks them and liases with us. The doctor referred us to a psychologist who was private but my daughter reacted badly to her and screamed at her. The psychologist told me she should go to a doctor to get medication before she can deal with her. I went back to the doctor who said no I won't give medication but referred her to the Child and Youth Mental Health services whom the guidance officer at the school also referred her to. She got put with a trainee psychologist who in my opinion was very judgemental and rude. So we stopped seeing him and we are going to see someone else as soon as we can. She had made some progress in the last month, she started going to one lesson a week in her favourite subject - Maths. But in the last 2 weeks started getting depressed again for some unknown reason and hasn't wanted to go again.
I am grateful if you have read this as I am also greatful to all the people on here who have shared their stories. I have been too embarassed and angry with myself to share my story online until now. In Australia this problem is not talked about enough because people get judged. Some of my family, friends and aquaintances have judged me, but I feel that in this point in time I am doing the best I can with what little resources I have. If only I could turn back time and do things differently I would.

Hi Melanie and thanks for sharing your story. Firstly don't apologise for the way you have reacted with your daughter we have all done exactly the same as we just don't know what we are / were dealing with. You also can't blame yourself for not acting sooner, believe you me i have often wished i had done things differently but at the time we do what we think is best. Your daughter has done well going in for the odd maths lesson, and although it hasn't worked for the past couple of weeks it is still progress. Im not sure that here in the UK we know much more about it, it's just that on here we are very vocal !! Linda may be able to help you with regards to what help is available down under - she is great and so helpful. Sorry i can't help much but remember never feel judged or embarrassed by what is going on, people have no idea what it's like. I used to be so ashamed, now i am vocal. My son is or was a school refuser, but he is a wonderful child, so many other qualities i wouldn't have him any other way.

Take care and stay in touch xx

Hi Melanie,

As I said on your post under 'mental wellbeing' - good to have another Australian : ) Sad to hear your story and how frustrating it must have been and still is. And like Sarah says - don't worry about what others say and judge - they can be quite awful. Everyone on here is very supportive. Sarah - you reach out to us even when things are going upside down for you....thank you.
And I think all of us on here have ranted and raved and gone completely wacko on some mornings!

It does help if you can find the right help and work with CBT. Also if your daughter can accept she has the anxiety (this can take a long time). And if she sees you are accepting where she is at - then that is also a positive.

Doing work via distance education is a really big positive too. My son is always reluctant to do work at home - so hearing that, I can only think you will be able to hang in there and at least keep her up to date with her peers. Our primary school also was reluctant to give any work. I contacted Distance Ed and they told me they have several students they worked with who had School Refusal. I have always kept that as my fall back.

I have found that firm pressure to keep going back to school has worked for my son in the end - but it also went hand in hand with where my son was in terms of acceptance and willingness to listen to psychologists. We have had a very rocky road over the years and my son hit a very low depression when he was about 9 and missed many weeks in a row. And I posted on here recently a quote about how psychologists - often school ones - are just not experienced in dealing with School Refusal. You'd think they'd have all the strategies but seems they don't and so they make the situation worse. So it can take a few psychologists before you hit on the right one. Our new psychologist is lovely - but I went to meet her first and explained exactly what I felt my son needed and was she able to deliver. In the past I have been too upset to explain anything much to them.

As your daughter is still at Primary school - the ideal would be to get the school to work with you for a plan and get the outside help and ease her back in before high school. What about half days for awhile? Or start again with one lesson - and build up? But if that doesn't happen - just go with the flow. Others on here have had lots of different roads they have taken. It must have been so hard with your daughter running away from school all those times. Going to the police sounds a bit drastic! Does the school say there is anything that triggers her running home? Any particular day - time etc? I found the school was never very observant of these things (but I suppose they are too busy). Was the school chaplain able to offer you and your daughter support?
Keep posting. Others will benefit from your story and help in any way they can.
Take care, we are thinking of you.
Linda

Melanie

Welcome to our forum, we may not have all the answers but we are all living this nightmare, we are always here to listen and give our advice as best we can, I think the main thing I have to say is let your daughter know that you are on her side, support her all you can, the good days and the bad, and believe me, there are going to be a lot of bad days, we have all shouted at our kids, tried to force them into school etc, but I have learned that if they are having a 'bad day' then no matter what we do, it wont make a difference, these are the days when they need us to back off and just be their mum.

Take care
Dorothy x

Thanks Sarah, Linda and Dorothy who replied to my post here. It is great to know that someone understands what we are going through and has some real advice from experience
The school my daughter ran away from never commented on her behaviour(other than to say it was dangerous or not good) or told us why she did it as they had no idea. I used to ask her why when she first started doing it and she would say, I don't know, I can't help it, I feel scared and my legs just start running. She mostly ran away during lunch hour. I only found out about a month ago, she was telling the guidance officer that the first time she did it, it was her first day at the new school, she was buddied up with one girl and during the first lunch hour her and her friend left her alone. She then ran home. At the new school they also had different routines and rules on where to go and what to do at lunchtimes and she would be scared of getting into trouble or yelled at.
I have more to say on this subject but I have to go right now. Thanks for your understanding

Hi everyone. Since moving back to her old school, I have only left my daughter at the school with the guidance officer for an hour or two at a time and on 3 occaisions fairly recently she went to Maths class. She has not run away as she knows I am coming back for her in time and not being forced to stay there all day. I realise now that dragging her into school everyday made her worse and made things worse for her socially as kids saw her as the little girl who runs away or cries in class.

She said sometimes she used to cry in class and they would all just stare at her, not comfort her. Also at one point I let her start using my old mobile phone as work had provided me with one to use. She felt more secure to have it. The kids are supposed to hand them in or at least switch them off during the day but one day she forgot to switch hers off and someone tried to ring or text my old number. It went off in her bag that was in the port rack in the classroom. All the kids rushed to her bag and put their ears to it. She was afraid she was going to get into trouble, got embarrassed and ran away.

Because of a few experiences she had with kids or the feelings she got from them at the school she now feels that the kids at the present school are going to know she is different somehow and judge her. In actual fact all the kids have been supportive of her so far and welcomed her back. None have said anything negative about her not coming back to class yet. None of them know what happened to her and I think every kid is just worried about themselves and don't care any way. I can't convince her anyway, all the talking in the world had not helped and I am beginning to realise the less I talk the better as everything upsets her - she is mega sensitive.

Looking back she always has been and I guess if this hadn't of happened, her anxiety may have come out some other way. She has fears of certain things, even a cartoon shark. Since she was about 5 we used to have to avoid certain public places or areas like the library or a shopping centre if she knew there was going to be a poster or statue of the shark. Last year before we moved she even missed out on a school excursion to the big reef aquarium because she knew there was a statue of the cartoon shark at the entrance. The last time we went near it she screamed and ran out the door and nothing could convince her to go back.

Another thing that eats at me - every doctor or psychologist you go to asks "is there any family history of mental illness?" and I always say no. But tell them that I have had post natal depression only after I gave birth to my daughter(who is a school refuser). I suffered terribly with panic attacks and symptoms like headaches and chest pains for at least a year after she was born and have only in the last 2 years gotten off the anti-depressants prescribed. I realised that I have suffered depression on and off all my life and am an anxious person. So now I have that guilt to carry(even though I realise I can't help it, it's the way I was made). Another thing, I think my brother has Aspergers but it has never been officially diagnosed. He is 3 years younger than me and has all the characteristics of it. My mother tried to get help for him when he was young but the doctors she took him to said he was "eccentric". He is pretty extreme in his behaviour and my daughter is nothing like him but I'm afraid if I tell the doctors about my brother they will try and label her. I once took my older daughter to a psychologist as doctors couldn't figure out why she was having stomach pain. I told him about my brother and he instantly tried to tell me she had Aspergers too. There is no way. It turned out she suffered from constipation. So you see why I don't trust doctors?

Hi Melanie,

It is a difficult road and a fine line to tread. They always ask about mental illness in the family and some are ready to make quick connections but hopefully for others they just see the big picture. I agree - best to see the child for who they are I think
Does your daughter still have the fear of the cartoon shark? What about a real shark? Have you mentioned this to the doctors?

You are probably right that if the anxiety hadn't kicked in now, it would have at some time. Your daughter has also been through quite a few changes - when you left your other son to go to work in other town - going to new school - moving back etc. Maybe here fears have been transferred to fear of loosing family members? Just guessing here but the psychologists have mentioned this to me as we lost a few close family around about the time that my son's anxiety kicked in. They think it might have then just worn a 'groove' into his negative thoughts. They also say he has aspects of social anxiety. Do you think it was just the shark your daughter was afraid of or was she also afraid of the places ...such as shopping centre, library and going on an excursion? My son started refusing to go to all those places during primary school. Just interesting that you mention those kind of places that do affect social anxiety. Also the 'they are looking at me' which goes with it. I really hope you can get someone to help you soon. We are currently working with psychologist who is working on CBT but this time has said she'd also like to work on the deaths that occurred in the family at the time that this started - and she got my son to fill out a questioniare and one question was how often does he think about death. He evidently put 'nearly all the time' as his answer. I wonder if your daughter has that fear as well.

Hard to talk with them in the state your daughter is as it is totally irrational. I can only suggest you try another doctor's opinion an ask for a referral to another private psychologist. You don't necessarily need a referral but you do if you want to be part of the mental health care plan which covers most of it under medicare.

Stay strong. You have had a rough time yourself over the years - but you have come through. Your daughter will too - it might just take a less straight road than others and with several hiccups along the way. You are a good mum - don't feel guilty - I think we have all been down that path. You are doing all you can and love your daughter. Take care and do something just for yourself this week : )
Linda
PS Must be something about the vast Australian countryside that makes us write such long posts!