My daughter has always hated school, clinging onto my trousers and sobbing all the way to Senior School. Senior school she is bullied in 1st year, we move her schools. Bullied again, school can't stop it, move her schools again. Finally settles into school and makes friends.

Everyday is a battle. I never know if she will just get dressed and go or whether it will be hours of screaming, crying and refusing to go to school. I have tried talking to the school but they just bully and threaten both myself and my daughter.

I am at my wits end. She was to have an attendance review meeting with the head and attendance officer and she just refused to go, BUT she then starts screaming and shouting at me when I tell her that she's grounded if she doesn't go. I am at my wits end. I have been put on medication for depression and anxiety and it is all related to the issue with my daughter not attending school.

Hi
Welcome
Sorry you're both experiencing such a tough time. Can only say you're in the right place for people who will support you. I cant help much, still unable to convince my daughter to attend school. Only thing I will say is could you let school drop for a bit. Let you both relax, the stress must be awful.

Sorry the school is not helping. Bullying you and your daughter is not right.

There are some great people on here who will give you excellent advice. I hope things work out. I do understand, have been there. Good luck.

Virginia

Hi - I am so sorry to hear your problems, but unfortunately it is a very familiar story we have heard so many times, you are not alone although it will feel like it. It is so hard when school are not supportive and make you feel dreadful. This is not your fault and it isn't your daughters fault she can't help the way she feels. My best advise is to contact Parent Partnership and they will help you so much - google a local office. Keep a diary of everything, each day and meetings etc, and what has your GP said about your daughter ? are you in contact with CAMHS ?

Apologies for all the questions but it will help us point you in the right direction.

Take care of yourselves, this isn't the end of the world and you will get through it i promise.

My son refused for nearly 5 years on and off and it took some time to accept this - the not knowing in a morning just drives you mad, so in the end when he totally refused i knew where i stood. He has suffered depression, agrophobia on a large scale, anxiety panic attacks etc but he is now 16 and is an amazing child and i am so proud of him and you will get there too.

Lots of love Sarah xx

Hi Heidi,

Welcome to this forum that I too found only recently but I am so glad that I did. Just to know that my daughter is not the only child that doesn't go to school and that every parent on the site has gone or is going through exactly what I am is such a comfort.

It is so hard to advise what you should do but from my experience so far with my 12 year old is firstly do not let the school bully you or your daughter into anything, she is suffering from an anxiety and unless you have been in her situation it is so hard for them to understand. My daughters own head of year visited us a couple of weeks ago for her review with ourselves and daughters Home Tutor and said she expected my daughter back by end of summer term, to which the home tutor told her in no uncertain terms that this would not happen, it is a very slow softly softly approach and that she is looking more towards Christmas at the earliest. After she had gone tutor, said no wonder daughter is terrified of head of year and that she had no understanding of anyone suffering from anxiety. Secondly don't punish her for not being able to go to attendance review, a meeting like this probably terrifies her but she will also probably be feeling guilty becasue she feels she has let you down. Everything in my house settled down once my husband and I stopped making it a battle to get daughter to school and slowly but surely everything is falling back into place and our house is a very happy one again and daughter is happier and more confident than I have ever seen her. Obviously I would love her to be back in school but to be honest it is so nice to have her happy and not worrying and suffering panic attcks that I don't really care when she goes back just as long as when/if she does she is ready and feels in control, if she never gets back well we will cope with it because I never ever want to see my child suffer like she did and run around the house shouting that she wants to die, it still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it.

Hang in their Heidi, you are definitely not alone, don't stop your daughter socialising with her friends if she is able to because all to easily they loose touch and stop going out and most importantly do not let the school or anyone bully you or threaten you.

Sue

Sue - you are so right, once we as parents accept the situation then it changes everything, but it is hard understand. I remember a psycologist asking me why i shouted at my son when he refused - did i think it would just make him go ? i knew there was more to it all, and the psycologist worked with me in order i could help my son as it worked. He never went back to school and he has huge issues with that now and deeply regrets his lost opportunities but it wasn't a case of not wanting to go he couldn't as none of our children can.

We have all gone through every emotion possible and yes i have at times felt sorry for myself - poor me why me etc but you know something it has been a hell of a journey but we made it 5 years on - no school, missing exams but it doesn't matter - we just chose a different path that's all and climbed bigger mountains. The whole experience has made me a stronger and more understanding person so every cloud as thet say !! xx

Hi Heidi,

Sorry to hear how you are feeling. You are not alone. I agree with what the others have said. And I wouldn't ground your daughter - hard as it may be - as I have found that punishment doesn't seem to work and it is very important that they keep up their social contact otherwise they will find themselves at home alone with no friends.
Accepting is a huge step for both ourselves and our children. That doesn't mean the frustration goes- but our attitude can help our kids know we are there to support them in a situation which to them is completely bewildering. They can't put their finger on the problem. I remained firm with my son about going as he was still young - but we had times where all pressure was off about getting to school and we just spent time being with each other and renewing our bond which had become fragile.

You will have read my threads where I have managed to keep my son going to school mostly - but it doesn't matter if that doesn't work - as Sarah has said - it just leads to a different road. You need to follow up with as much help from school our outside that you can now - to ensure that you give your daughter the opportunity to move forward sooner rather than later (and small steps are good). I favour cognitive behaviour therapy - but anything to keep our kids from sinking into a depression given the situation they are facing is good.
Take care and let us know how you get on. We are here for you at any time if you want to rant and rave ...or just share.
Linda

Heidi, I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one on anti-depressants because of your daughter's school refusal. When our problem first started I was so worried and stressed that I couldn't sleep at all so I was prescribed medication and I am sleeping really well now. They are also helping with my own anxiety. I do hope you find that they will help you cope a bit better with this awful problem. I send you hugs,

R x