I have had to drag my son to school for most of year 6. He has high functioning autism. I went to gp who referred me to camhs for his anxiety.

Camhs visited me last week and told me when he goes to high school not to drag him them there. She said she was going to set up a caf with the new high school senco and asked me if it was alright if outside agengies need to be bought in.

She said she would get in contact with his primary school, this worries me as i know they say i am anxious and I have cried in front of them before and i think i appeared anxious in front of camhs as well as I have never done anything like this before.,i also did cry once but i said it is stressful dragging a child to school everyday since Sept.

He also has anxieties towards dentist and doctors so is all not school related, he says he worries about not doing things right at school and doesn't like a certain teacher.

I told her that school said in March to stop dragging him and she then asked 'well what did they suggest instead', I said they told me to 'stop dragging him and then the EWO will get involved and you might finally get some help'

So in Sept if I can't get him to school ,then what happens , i get really worried , do ss get involved, do they take your child away , she didn't say if he would get treatment for his anxiety but perhaps they go back and think what they have to do first. I am so worried about it all.

Hi Cathy

Just lost my internet connection and seemed to lose the reply I posted.

About to go to bed, so will try to type another reply tomorrow.

For now, don't worry about ss or having your child taken away - very unlikely. And don't worry about appearing anxious at camhs - very normal for parents going through this sort of thing.

My son's Yr 7, not been at school at all since Feb half term. Just diagnosed high functioning ASD.

Is your son on School Action, School Action PLus or have a statement? Has he had much help with the transition to senior school (given his autism)?

Sharon

My son is on school action plus, he was supposed to have a transition plan but has only had two visits and those had to be done without me telling him otherwise I would never have got him to primary those days. He should have gone to the high school last night for an intake evening but he refused to go, said he was too scared. We had thought of home education .

Hi Cathy

It does sound like there's a strong chance that you are going to struggle to get your son to school in September. But who knows - don't give up on the hope that he might surprise you! It sounds like you are doing the right things - contacting camhs etc. and in theory having a caf in place should help you (I haven't had a caf)

Are camhs going to get in touch and book another appointment for you? How much help camhs give seems to vary from area to area - sometimes if they decide that the issues are due to autism and that there is not a mental health issue then they don't want to get involved, so try to hang on to them!

Given that you know that it is going to be difficult in September, I would push the current school and the new school to come up with a realistic plan for making the transition work. Have you talked to the new school much? Maybe you could get some advice from them about what you can do over the summer to try to help your son prepare for the new school so that he has some chance of getting there.

What is the plan for his first day at the new school - is he going to be going straight into a class of 30 or is he going to be going into a smaller specialised unit?

Has your son seen an Educational Psychologist recently? I'm just wondering if they could help with the transition. Sometimes it seems like you only get access to these sort of people once everything has gone horribly wrong and you're a long way down the line. Given the amount of effort you've put into getting your son to school over the last year, I really think everyone should be doing everything they can to help you so that he can settle into high school ..... yeah, I know, things don't seem to work like this and the help is only available once things have gone wrong rather than help being provided to prevent the situation.

Do you have a teacher at the current school or the new school who is really experienced with autism? These are the people that should be really trying to help you. Or maybe there is an autism outreach teacher who has been involved with your son or who will be? School is often a difficult environment for autistic children - I'm only just starting to understand all this as my son's diagnosis is very recent and lots of things are suddenly making sense now. And often autistic children will appear to cope ok at primary but then really struggle at secondary, especially because the social demands etc. change.

Are you happy with the high school? Do you think there is appropriate support there for him? Have you ever thought that he should have a statement and attend a more specialised school? I know for high functioning ASD children it can be hard to find specialised schools that are academically appropriate and also provide more specialised support.

Have you ever called the National Autistic Society helpline? I found them very good when I called them a while back. If nothing else it is good to have somebody to talk to so you can get things off your chest. The YoungMinds helpline is also good. And if you think your son's needs are not being met at school and especially if you want to consider applying for a statement then SOS SEN and IPSEA are good.

I'm not sure any of this has helped. The main thing is that you are doing the right things and you mustn't let yourself be worried about things like social services, children being taken into care, people thinking you're a bad parent etc. etc. You are doing your best and if your son does end up being out of school, it is unlikely that you will 'get into trouble' for it because the authorities will be able to see that you only want the best for him and are doing everything you can. Just push for as much help as possible from school, local authority, health service etc.

I know it's all such a worrying situation when all you want is the best for your child and I still feel worried & anxious & struggle to relax etc.

You mentioned home education. Do you think your son would be happy to learn at home? If so, it could work for you. I can't get my son to do anything school related at home!

Sharon

Apologies for not getting back to you sooner Cathy, i have started to reply several times them somethng happens and i never finish it.

No one will take your child away but i bet we have all had that worry in the past, but that just wouldn't happen - for what reason ? So they dont go to school it's not the end of the world even though at times it feels like it.

You are obviously a great mum and you are doing your best so don't ever forget that.

Crying ummm - I cried at every CAMHS meeting for 3 years, i cried at most school meetings - some i just got cross. I have cried and cried at the GP's it is such an overwhelming situation to be in. The EWO never saw me with a dry eye and i was accused of my son feeding off my anxiety - oh please if only they knew just how hard it is for EVERYONE.

My son was a SR for 5 years all of senior school and with huge anxiety issues. He has matured into a well rounded young man - the anxiety is still there but nothing like it was and is now a working.

Sorry to go on, but what i am saying is that it is a terrifying situation but you will get through it i promise.

CAFmeetings - they are great. It is not about blaming or having ago at anyone it is about looking forward and assisting where they can. I stongly recommend you get Parent Partnership involved to help you, they are wonderful - google your local office and give them a call.

I really hope you get the assistance you need, and look after yourself.

Love Sarah xx

Hi Cathy,

I feel for you going through this - it must be so hard. As Sarah and Sharon have mentioned, they won't take your child away. And don't worry about the crying in front of them. We have all been in that position and also at times thought we'd be strong, only to break down again. It was only when I was able to step back from the situation, and having found this site a couple of years ago - that I realised that I was not on my own and that in fact the authorities were the ones I needed to educate about what really happens.

Sharon has given some great guidance that will hopefully help you sort through which directions to take.

I also thought my son would never make it to the high school. He did not want to go to one of the transition days but did go to another one and luckily had a good experience. He did not want to meet with the welfare coordinator beforehand but I told her everything she needed to know. Turned out I needed to have a bit more guidance on that one. Make sure they are informed of the Autism and what ever help and support you have had already. Meet with relevant people at the high school if you can to just explain you are making sure that you are also familiar with how the school works (it helps in your confidence when you then have to go to a formal meeting as well if you know the geography of the school and at least a person you have met before). They requested a more up to date diagnosis for my son (not sure if that is relevant to you). I also got the psychiatrist to write them a letter explaining that whilst he was receiving help there would be times when he might not be able to attend to school and that they needed to be flexible in regard to that. I also requested all the email contacts for each of his teachers in Year 7 (initially I thought this would be to keep explaining why he was not attending etc but it has turned into them letting me know what work he owes). The Year 7 coordinator is also in contact with me via email and I have had two meetings with the coordinators and the welfare coordinator. They have not referred me to anywhere else as they thought they might such as camhs or the nearest school refusal unit - but have had to report the days missed to the education authorities (but I have had no negative fall out from that yet).

The psychiatrist suggested that my ex husband and I both take my son to school in the mornings at the beginning of high school for at least the first two weeks, so that he get the feel of what it is like to keep going on a daily basis to a new environment. As it was - that didn't have to happen as we were able to meet with another student who was going and we all walked (parents of the other boy as well) for part of the way then left them to keep walking. Not sure if you can do any of that, but having another child for him to walk into the school with might make a world of difference. Does he know other boys going?

To my surprise, my son actually prefers high school as he likes having different teachers and not having just one (where he felt he was under the microscope all the time) and he prefers having different subjects rather than what I think he felt was less order at the Primary school. Not sure if this helps ....but just to share my story and let you know that I dreaded the worst but it didn't happen. I had been dragging my son in since prep (not dragging in after about Grade 4 but still missing lots and lots of days). It made a big difference when I stepped back and accepted that my son was not going to travel down the normal educational road and stopped dragging him in. He started to gain more confidence and did not fall into a depression like he had when him and I were constantly loosing it each morning. We still have some bad days and some situations that nearly unrail everything again (other kids doing stupid things....teachers demanding he speak in front of the class, having to get changed for PE etc). He did start to slide downhill again regarding attendance in the first term but by the second term had halved the number of days. But what he has come to realise and what I think has made a huge difference in him being able to take a step forward - is he realises that if you keep facing what you fear - it gets a bit less. Don't keep dragging him in - he will take small steps but the pressure and stress will be taken off both of you.

Make sure you make contact with a teacher or welfare coordinator who works at the high school now so that you already have someone to turn to when he starts high school. If you can get outside help - cognitive behaviour therapy can make a big difference from a psychologist. Having some help now before September would be the best. Also see if there is someone he can go to school with in the mornings if possible.
Stay in touch and let us know how you go and feel free to offload at any time - we are here for you : )
Linda

Just wanted to say thank you for all the replies, it has put my mind at rest,well for 6 weeks anyway. Only two more days to force my son to school.

Cathy

You enjoy the break and put it all to the back of your mind, what will be will be. If someone had said that to me a few years ago i would have thought what do you know !! My son refused for nearly 5 years and i went through every emotion there is, and when people used to write on the forum saying it will get better i thought no it won't - but it did.

So my son never went back to school, the CAF meeting were excellent and he enjoyed the home tuition we received as everyone thought that was the best thing for him. Yes he missed out on alot, but by listening to him and accepting this wasn't the norm we got through it.

I have the most amazing 16 year old, the anxiety never really goes away but it gets better and he manages it well. He takes small steps even now - like going on a bus into the city oooohh 2 years ago he never left the house, going into a shop and asking for assistance again something he could never have done. Don't ever worry about what others think or say they have no idea what you are going through but you are obviously a great Mum just remember that.


Sending you lots of love and support, enjoy the break.

Sarah xx