My 12 year old developed school phobia soon after his younger sister developed a life threatening and incurable illness. He started at a new school where his grade was the youngest. A teacher singled him out for bullying by announcing only his test scores to his class. She did this to no one other child. My boy is a quiet and extremely shy kid so her behavior was unprovoked. She was just a jerk and was picking on the most vulnerable kid.

He began to have crying spells about doing homework and was just over whelmed. EVentually he claimed he felt sick and couldn't go to school.
By this point we were desperate and terrified. Our younger child required 24 hour care and this boy was having a nervous breakdown. We fortunately found a male therapist that was a former teacher and has dealt with school phobias before. I also read an article about it in the NY Times that mentioned a therapist that specializes in school phobias. I read more about him and he spoke to me by telephone to give me a few helpful tips when I felt we had made no progress at all and I was wondering if I was doing the right thing.

To cure him we had to get him to school no matter what. This was horrible. He would kick and scream and fight back with all his might. He would try to jump from a moving car. He once ran away at the school and the therapists office into busy traffic. My other children were terrified. It was as if our entire world was coming apart. One child with an incurable but manageable illness and another with emotional problems.

I would let him calm down in my car for a while, as much as an hour and then I would force him into school. The fear of being seen resisting going in to school was usually enough to get him in the door. Then he would spend the entire day in an empty office with no school work or sometimes speaking with a councilor. Eventually the school started giving him his work to do and he gradually got back into most of his classes starting with lunch and study hall. Then classes he liked and didn't feel much pressure in. After 3 months of this the principal gave him some tough love and brought him into his classes. The phobia had finally been conquered.

His greatest fear by then was that kids would question where he had been and what was wrong with him. The best answer was that he had not been feeling well but was better now. The questions lasted only a few minutes but he had been terrified they would go on for weeks.

My son requires anti-depressents. Depression is common in my family and I feel horrible that he has inherited this from me. Without SSRI's he would likely be dead or hospitalized.

He has had a set back this past year when he missed school for legitimate illnesses. He got behind in his work and just collapsed into depression again. He felt the amount of make up work was overwhelming and impossible. It took a lot of work but he managed to pass his classes. Before the setback he was getting A's and B's. It turns out he has a mild immune deficiency and is prone to getting sick. He is up to date with all his vaccines but managed to get pertussis or whooping cough.

If your child is avoiding school I would recommend getting a qualified and skilled therapist with experience with this specific problem. I also recommend seeing a psychiatrist for medication.
Most importantly you must get you kid to school. If you let them stay home they will likely never go back to school. I say this knowing how terribly difficult this can be. If I hadn't been self employed I would likely have lost my job.

My son is not completely well. He still struggles at times. We are helping him by encouraging to take up a sport or hobby he likes. This isn't easy either. He also continues seeing the therapist but less frequently.

I could go on and on but I am a bit lazy and to write about this horrible experience isn't easy. I hope this helps others. I am in need a emotional support too. I fear for his future. I want to help him grow and thrive. Any help I can get will be appreciated. I feel like and am a lousy dad and don't know how to help him more than I have.

Hi Terskac,

Thanks for sharing your story - and such an emotional and sad one. It must be so incredibly tough on your whole family. It is perhaps not surprising that the school phobia started for your son after your other child was diagnosed with the illness (I can only begin to imagine how awful this must have been for you..) - there can be a trigger like this, however, in some cases - nothing specific at all.

I can see that getting our children to school is vital in order for them to keep going but from what I understand via this forum is that this is probably manageable, even if incredibly stressful, if the child is younger but is almost impossible once the child gets a bit older. It also depends on the support available at the time, the understanding of the school and the circumstances of the parents. Also like you say - you were able to keep trying as you work from home. I know myself that if I didn't work from home - trying to get my son to school would have been impossible.

I am so glad to hear that your son is going to school now. That is really positive and something he can build and remember, even if there is a set back at any stage in his life. You are right in regard to the help that is needed and as soon as possible once the situation arises. If the psychologist works with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - even better.

You have done a wonderful job. Many of us on here know what it is like to keep forcing your child to go to school and how it takes its toll on all involved but especially the one who does the forcing. Your son will probably keep taking those small steps forward. If he can build up a friendship or two - that might also be a strength to keep him going and feel good about himself.

Many on here have also found that by stepping back and accepting that this is the way our child is can help our own sanity. It doesn't mean they will necessarily be like this for the rest of their lives. The research doesn't seem to indicate either way is the norm as there does not seem to have been a great deal of research that actually follows these children through to adulthood. You might find on the Internet reference to research that says our children are more likely to suffer depression or have other mental health issues when they are older. This may be the case - but as the psychiatrist pointed out to my son - he is learning life skills in regard to this that other children would not have to learn until they are much older or facing such situations for the first time.
So as long as there is help and support - your son has every chance to gradually build his confidence and also learn how to deal with his depression.
Take care and hope you have just a moment in your life to do something for yourself : ) Feel free to come on here any time - there is always someone who is here for you and will listen and offer support.
Linda

I like what this person has to say (Diane Peters Mayer - who has written a book called 'Overcoming School ANxiety')

-----------------------------
I think one of the most difficult aspects of overcoming anxiety is accepting that it will take time to feel free. Adults who are anxious struggle with this concept. Children have an even harder time with acceptance because trying to cope with daily anxiety leads to feelings of helplessness, frightening to a child.

Combating anxiety is no sprint. It is a marathon, and children have to learn how to pace themselves, to let time pass—in the moment of the anxious situation as well as the long run. It is the step-by-step, mile-by-mile small goals and achievements that help children eventually cross the finish line.

http://overcomingschoolanxiety.com/2010/11/09/overcoming-school-anxietyits-a-marathon-not-a-sprint.aspx

Getting the kid to school is not easy. My boy isn't so small anymore. Our therapist was in frequent contact with his school guidance councilor with instructions. This was very helpful.

To help him get over the school phobia I would take him to the school at night when no one was there and just have him stand at the doors. Once the outer doors were unlocked so I had him stand inside the doors for ten minutes or so and examine how he felt. After that I could usually get him in the building. Then it took another 3 months to get him back into all his classes. Most of that phobia was the fear of being questioned by peers about why he had been missing.

This year he will be going to high school so I fear another setback. He will be dealing with a much bigger school, more students and more pressure to perform. The pressure to excel here in the USA is terrible.

Hi

Well done for all the effort it must have taken to get him back into the school and at night sounds like a good idea. My son also has big fears about what the other kids will say when he has been absent.

I think the focus on pressure to perform has become a worldwide thing at the moment, unfortunately. We are probably a little less like that down here in Australia- but for at least the past 10 years the pressure has been on for both students and teachers. There is always talk about 'lifting standards' but what it all seems to result in is testing and more testing and no room for individual differences. Such a shame for all kids but especially ours.

My son started high school this year - you may have seen my postings regarding this. I was very fearful that it would be a huge set back. But it hasn't been. He has actually improved his attendance in comparison to Primary School. He also says he prefers having lots of different teachers and subjects. He does have one good friend (friends seem to also be the key) who is in another class. He has 'on and off again friends' in his actual class - which makes it unsettling for him on some days. He still has days that he just can't face. But these are much fewer. The turning point for him was his acceptance (and mine) and his recognition of the symptoms of anxiety.

Something you might want to think about is having both parents take him to school for the first few weeks of high school (that was recommended to me) or what actually happened for us - have him walk or drive to school with a friend who is going to the same school. My son walked with a friend for several weeks so that he did not have to walk in the school gates by himself. Since then he has been able to enter the school on his own - but always requests that we turn up just before the bell so that he just has to go straight to his locker and not hang around. This is also a big school of over 1200 students.

Fingers crossed for you that it goes much smoother than you anticipate, like it did for us. This doesn't mean we won't have hiccups and set backs along the way - but the transition to high school was something I dreaded. Did your son join in any transition/orientation days at the high school? Does he know other students who are going there? Can you introduce him to the school environment outside school hours like you did at the Primary school? Play on the school oval on a weekend even? How long before he starts?
Good luck and stay in touch and let us know how things are going.
Take care,
LInda

He has been inside the high school many times. His older brother attends the same school so maybe that will help. RIght now he is trying to quit the school band before it even starts. I don't want him to quit because I thin it will be good for his social life and that he will regret it later. The band director really works hard to help the youngest students adjust to the high school. I am not sure how to work with him on this. He usually enjoys the things he avoids once he actually shows up at them. If I am not insistent he will waste his day playing video games. I wish he could find something he was actually passionate about.
He has some heath issues that affect his mood too. He has an immunity weakness that was overlooked by doctors for a long time and was only discovered by accident. A lab ordered a wrong test and it showed he has a weak immune system. This lead to the discovery that he had pertussis the last 3 months of school.
Please get your kids vaccinated. He is up to date on all his vaccines but because his immune system is weak the vaccines didn't protect him adequately. So many parents avoid vaccines now we have a pertussis epidemic.
Two days ago he was exhausted and told me he doesn't want to live anymore. I just don't know if I have the energy to fight with him any more yet I must. For some reason he is my responsibility. My wife doesn't put the effort into him that she should. Having the ill sister makes it very difficult to get the kids all the attention they need.

Hi

I get the impression that with many couples, one ends up being the main one looking after the School Refusal child. Your wife probably also has her hands and head full with your ill daughter. It must be so tough on you both.
Are there any parent support groups in your area for family - with an ill child, or with a child suffering from anxiety? You sound very worn out, and not surprising. I also know what it is like to keep pushing and pushing and sometimes it feels like we are talking to a brick wall and all our efforts unravel (my son dropped out of soccer). Anxiety seems to make kids drop out of things - fear of the unknown and fear of what others will think of them? Yet as you say - for social reasons - it is so important to be a part of something. I do hope he stays in the band.

I had to look up pertussis! So whooping cough? We've had a few cases here too. I don't think people realise that if their child does not have the immunisation, they put others at great risk. Hope your son feels a bit stronger soon - both mentally and physically.
My son is off school at the moment with a cold. For me it is very hard to tell how sick he is or whether this is a convenient way of staying away. It is the first week back after the holidays so I feel disappointed. But what can you do?! We just plough on. Remember you are not alone out there - the UK folk are on holidays at the moment so are not checking this forum. Don't you have a long break during summer?
Stay strong -
Linda