Hi everyone - you can't imagine how happy I was to find this forum after being isolated as a single mum with a daughter who has suffered with school avoidance for 8 years. I am in Australia and have also connected with Melanie from this forum which is great.
My daughter who is now almost 15 began to refuse school at the age of 7 in our year 2. There was no obvious cause - she had been happy and confident about school prior to this and apart from being a very stubborn child, everything else was fine. I also have one older daughter who is now 18 and has had no problems. We have tried a lot of things and I have made a lot of mistakes along the way as we all do but we all have one thing in common and that is we love our kids and want what is best for them. We did have 2 good years at the end of primary school but the transfer into high school did not go well even though she was really excited about going. This year has been horrendous and she is only managing 1-2 days at best and none some weeks. I have found many similarities in your stories. It is almost impossible to get her interested in doing school work at home and she refuses all offers of tutoring. She was diagnosed by a psychiatrist in the early years with anxiety and major depression and is currrently taking medication which does help with her mood but not in getting her back to school. Our major battle is getting her out of bed - she just lies there moaning...won't speak to me and says the thoughts telling her not to go are just so strong, she is incapable of getting out of the bed. When I finally have to leave for work she sleeps till lunchtime and is then fine - I come home every day to a completely different child although the guilt and fear she feels about not going are terrible. Every night she is convinced she will be ok and every morning it starts all over again. Therapy has had mixed results. Our psychiatrist was only really focussed on meds which helped when she was younger but not when she started high school. We have just commenced seeing our 4th psychologist as the last one said she didn't think she could help her as she was never anxious when she saw her and she had given her all the strategies she could use in the mornings. Of course as you would all know - strategies go out the window when it is time for school. Kind of reminds me of going to child birth classes...when you are actually in labour it is hard to actually do anything you learned. I have been interested to read your thoughts on CBT as I have been told that teenagers don't respond well to it. The new doctor that we only started seeing yesterday said there is a different version of CBT they use for teens - forget what it is called but she said they have had a lot of success so fingers XX. It is so difficult to get my daughter to actually go to therapy now as she feels so hopeless and sick of telling her story. The school has been helpful to a point although we don't qualify for any "supported learning" and while they have put a lot of things in place to help her once she is at school....it is the getting her there that is the problem. Once she is actually in school -her anxiety goes and she even quite enjoys her day. I am convinced if I could just get her there for a few weeks straight she would be ok. Outside of school she is doing well although she is finding it difficult to maintain friendships. Too much happens at school that she isn't a part of - but thankfully she keeps up via social media so she doesn't feel too left out. Her anxiety was always more about separation and stress about the academic side of school but she is just starting to express fears and concerns about the social side. She thinks she is ugly and only pretty girls get friends etc (she is actually a very attractive girl). She hates it when her friends comment on her "actually being at school" and of course there are the physical symptoms of anxiety that she will do anything to avoid. There have been times where I have felt we aren't going to make it....this illness is so exhausting physically, emotionally and even spiritually. Her sister and I often feel like running away from home. I'm sure you can all relate to that as well as the feeling of dread we have every morning when it is time to "wake her up" Looking forward to getting to know you all and will keep in touch regarding her progress with treatment. I am amazed by her strength and desire to keep trying when it is so hard for her which encourages me to not give up either!

Hi Sandy,

Welcome! Only the third Aussie to join the forum! I am so glad you found this site. Everyone on here is really supportive. Finding this site two years ago was a saviour for me. Where abouts in Australia are you? I am in Melbourne.
You have probably read my many posts, although I haven't really been saying much about what is happening with my son lately. I really identify with how you are feeling. Just today I felt that I had this huge weight that sits like a dark cloud over me as my son's anxiety can be so oppressive when he can't get out of the house. I know what you mean by wanting to run away! I hope to get my son back before this week is out but this term is not going too well so far.

Has the school been supportive at all? We are also up to about our fourth psychologist and my son has now refused to keep seeing her. SHe says that is part of the anxiety. But I can't force him. So I am seeing her instead!
As far as CBT goes - you have probably read my posts highly recommending this. I have not heard that teenagers can't learn this. As far as I understand - and the books I have looked at - CBT can come in various form for different ages. Even young children can be introduced to CBT and gain great benefits. The trouble with children and teenagers is that they often just want a miracle cure and so CBT seems unreachable as they have to actually put in some work themselves. That is probably why mostly likely it works better on young adults. But it has helped my son. It helped him accept that he couldn't just wish it away and that sometimes he did need to put in the effort to carry out steps to reduce the anxiety.

Do you have trouble getting your daughter to bed at night? Is she on the computer late at night? I have read research that says that kids are being affected by the light produce by computer screens that acts on the brain like daylight (as opposed to normal lighting in a house) and so the brain is tricked into thinking it is still daylight and getting to sleep becomes very difficult as the melatonin levels in the brain are affected.
I am still working on getting my son off the computer and I have found that if he is off at least an hour before bed time then it certainly helps.
Like you - as a single parent - it isn't easy, is it! And I have also been battling this school refusal since my son was 6.

THe forum is very quiet at the moment as everyone in the UK is on holidays. There is usually someone around though to respond. We are here to help each other - as only we understand what we go through.
Take care -
Linda

Hi Linda - great to hear from you. I am in Newcastle. I can't believe how much better I feel since finding the forum. I always knew there were other sufferers/carers out there but actually reading their stories makes it much more bearable somehow. Yes the school tries to be supportive but I don't think they have much of an idea how school refusal affects not only the child but the whole family. So much revolves around funding or lack of it especially in regard to supported learning - even though we are paying a fortune in private school fees. They have put things in place to help my daughter when she is at school but that isn't the problem as her anxiety revolves around "getting there". Once she is actually there she says the anxiety goes after a little while and she is ok.
I have also used a number of my daughter's doctors appointments for myself lol. I can really relate to teenagers wanting a "quick fix". She either refuses to try the strategies she is given or tries them once and says they don't work.
She also has extremely bad trouble with her sleep pattern. Can't go to sleep much before midnight and of course can't wake up by herself much before lunchtime. She doesn't actually have too much of a problem with computer use - she can take it or leave it. She says she avoids going to sleep so that the morning doesn't come. :-( We tried melatonin tablets to try and regulate her sleep patterns but of course she was one of the people who have side affects...terrible nightmares. and it didn't do anything to change her pattern.
Academically she is an average student when attending. She much prefers all the creative subjects, drama - music etc which our school system just does not cater for. There are so many programs for 'gifted and talented' students but virtually nothing for those who struggle with their schooling. She absolutely hates maths and has always struggled with it. School work at home is almost non-existent.
She has pretty much decided the last few weeks that she just can't go at all even though she says she doesn't want to give up. I am just hoping that when we move into mums and I have a couple of weeks off - we can try again.
I am so sorry that your son suffers even when at home. I feel blessed in so many ways that my daughter's anxiety really only affects her schooling. She used to have a bad temper and could throw a very good tantrum when she was younger but this seems to have calmed as she has gotten older. Her anxiety was beginning to affect her in other ways. She has a horse and developed a fear of riding to the point where I thought we would have to stop trying and sell her horse but she was so determined to beat her fears and in the last holidays I booked her in for a block of lessons and she is now doing really well. She can see logically that if she can beat this fear she can also beat her school anxiety but I just think the motivation is not as strong.
Will keep in touch and let you know how we go with our new psychologist. It sounded to me like the therapy she was talking about was a version of CBT that has been developed for teens so will find out and let you know. Thanks again for your reply - look forward to hearing more from you.

hi Sandy,

Not often the forum has other replies in the middle of the day - as everyone in the UK is asleep : )
I thought the example you mentioned with the horse was great. That really is such an obvious anxiety that your daughter then had to overcome - but if she can see that as how other anxieties work then she will always be able to work through those fears.
As my son is only 12 - I am hoping he will mellow a bit with his temper and frustration. He is actually a pretty happy go lucky kid (well - he was) but I feel he has been worn down over the years with the anxiety and so now closes off much quicker from social events. He used to also say that he didn't want to go to sleep so that morning wouldn't come. So sad to hear that, isn' t it. My son still feels that way.

I agree that schools - no matter what type these days - are too focused on the accademic. My son's school, however, does also excel in the arts as they have a very big performing arts department and visual art area. My son has chosen not to be involved in any of their music programs as he said he couldn't face being in a performance. He is musical - so it is a shame. He also hates maths - but I am sure that is because he has missed so much schooling over the years that he missed some of the basic understanding and has been forever running to catch up. Interesting you say your daughter is an average student. Do you think if she attended more often she would be different? All through primary school I was told my son was very intelligent but at high school they tend to just tell me he hasn't handed in his work or passed his test and so mark him down. As a result, his report could be said to be 'average'. Your daughter might be the same. Which also might fit in with the story by Ellie who has shared with us how she felt and also how there was no recognition of how difficult it is for someone who is on a different wavelength to the other kids.

Do you have a student welfare coordinator or counsellor in your school? I am not sure how things work in NSW or between private and public schools . We have a student welfare coordinator (public school) but she unfortunately is in a school of 1200. So she has to look after the severe cases of teenage issues and my son just doesn't fall into the radar except for the fact that the school will get into trouble if a student has been missing too many days. The welfare coordinator, junior coordinator etc have met with me and talked things through - what to do etc. But like you - we hear all this - we've tried it all before - unless they are in our shoes - they have no idea what we and our children go through.

My son is at school today - having been off all week with a second cold in nearly as many weeks. I think the first cold was him pushing the boundaries past a sniffle. After being off ill he finds it extremely difficult to go back to school.

Have you thought of home education? Or Distant Education? (Do you have that equivalent where you are?). I did enquire at our Distant Ed and they said they have a few School Refusers on their books. Might be worth a try?
I still want my son to socialise - so am persevering with him attending school as much as he can.

Looking forward to hearing from you again - and you are certainly not alone! Like you I was so relieved to find the forum and discover I was not alone.
Take care,
Linda
PS You may have missed the article that I contributed to about School Refusal that was in The Age, The Brisbane Times and the Sydney something....here is a link: Also click on the 'related coverage' at the bottom - which is a hope story from someone who suffered as a child.
http://www.theage.com.au/national/education/school-hell-no-i-just-wont-go-20120210-1sjld.html

Well it has been a turbulent time at home. My daughter has now been out of school for almost 4 weeks. She did manage a half day in there but overall I have given up trying to force her in the mornings. She has become extremely depressed again and in the past few days has begun to ask me to look into admitting her to hospital as she says she just can't do it anymore. She wants so desperately to go back to school and feels like she has failed herself and everyone. After many years of her fears being based mainly around the academic side of school, she is now obsessing about the social side, how she looks, what people say when she goes back etc. She says she can't look in the mirror because she is so ugly it makes her sick. In reality she is a very attractive girl and is told that often. Yes I did look into distance ed and home schooling but both require that an adult is present to supervise during school hours and I am unable to do that with my work commitments. If I don't work, we can't survive. I am having 2 weeks leave from today to move us into my mums temporarily, and I have told her that if she still feels the same way after the move, I will look into the option of hospital. Unfortunately we don't have private health cover and the only public adolescent mental health ward in our city has 14 beds for kids that are a lot worse off than her however my beautiful mum has offered to pay for a private hospital if it will help. We also have our 2nd appointment with psychologist this Friday so will ask her what she recommends. Has anyone had any experience with hospital for their child and did it help? Look forward to hearing from you.

Hi Sandy,

I am sorry to hear how things are for you right now.
What do you think will be able to be done for your daughter in a hospital? Is there a special mental health unit?
There was a discussion on here some time back in regard to a parent who was talking about their child going into hospital for help but I can't recall if it was as a full time patient our out patient.
What about a change of medication from the psychiatrist? It seems like you might need medication and cognitive behavior therapy together?
I really don't know much about this but I guess just reading through your posts - the only thing I'd keep in mind is that if your daughter starts to believe that hospital is the 'cure' it might not be the outcome for her? It is more the last resort but I can understand you wanting to ensure that the help is there.

I did a quick search but you are probably more aware of what is around in NSW. The Mater school program in Queensland is of interest - but I know we have nothing like that down here so not sure you have anything like that where you are either? The other two are the adolescent mental health services which might be able to point you in further directions and offer support?
IS CAMHS of any use to you? Did the school refer you to them? Sorry - you might have mentioned this in your first post.

http://www.materschool.eq.edu.au/child_youth.html

http://huntercommunityhub.org/directory/child-adolescent-mental-health-services-newcastle

http://www.hnehealth.nsw.gov.au/mh/services/mhsf

When you go to live with your mother - does that qualify for having an adult present for when she is doing distant education? But it sounds like she needs to get out and socialise like my son - so staying at home just makes the problem worse over time. Its difficult, isn't it. Let us know how you get on. It is a troubling time for you.
Take care
Linda

Well what a difference a few days can make :-) After moving in with mum, things were pretty much the same with no school attendance at all last week. The psychologist had recommended a gradual re-entry to school even if only for one lesson a day, but my daughter just couldn't bring herself to go at all, no matter what time of the day we tried. We also spoke to the doctor about hospitalisation, but she only wanted us to use that as a last resort if my daughter felt she couldn't go on. Our GP had increased her medication slightly and her mood definitely picked up from then. At the end of last week I contacted the school as the teacher I had been dealing with moved overseas. Here in Australia we have something called TVET courses that are run through TAFE in conjunction with high schools, so that students can begin to study one day per week in a field they are interested in from Year 10 onwards. My daughter's great passion is horses and I found out that there was a TVET course running next year through our local TAFE called Horse Industries 1. I made an appointment with the school for Monday and was hoping that I would get her to school in the morning and then attend the meeting but she was not able to get out of bed. I then asked her if she wanted to come to the meeting and she initially refused but half an hour before I was due to leave, she decided to come. The teachers we met with were not particularly helpful...one especially had no idea what our situation was or any understanding of school phobia and what we have been dealing with. She just told my daughter in no uncertain terms that if she didn't start coming to school, there was no way they could recommend her to TAFE for next year. (It is a condition of TVET courses that a student has a good attendance record). They agreed that we should submit our application and if her attendance is good for the rest of the year, it would go ahead but if not, it would be withdrawn.
We then left for her doctor's appointment and that session went really well. She told her doctor she was going to school the next day "if it kills me". She really wants to do this course.
So Tuesday, Wednesday and today she has been to school It has been from 10am till the end of the school day....it hasn't been a walk in the park, I have had to spend some time talking her out of bed and today was particularly difficult but she still pushed through and made it.
And there have been lots of positives at school. None of the bad things she was dreading have happened...she has made some new friends and even got a text from a girl she hardly knows saying how happy she was to see her back at school. Today she played soccer for sport (something she usually avoids) and was the only girl on the team and played so well that the boys were all praising her. And tonight she went to bed at 9.30pm instead of the usual 10.30-11.00pm when she is stressed about waking up and going to school.
I know we have a long way to go...especially next week when I am back at work and she needs to be at school by 8.30am, but I am so happy for her and finally have a ray of hope that we can get through this. Will keep you posted

Hi Sandy,
There are few posts here that make me smile but this one did. Well done to your daughter. It must have been so wonderful to see her go to school, and happy.
I love the attitude she had 'if it kills me', long may it continue.
Best of luck in the coming days.

Virginia