First of all, after reading this board, wanted to say your children are all lucky to have parents who care and suffer along with them.

I am now in my 40's but began having a school refusal problem when I entered junior high (age 12/13). I want to describe to you, from an adult POV, what it felt like so maybe you can understand what your kids are going through.

I was always considered a "brainy" student and was able to successfully beg my parents to let me stay home for entire weeks even if I just had a cold that would normally keep me out for a day or two. You would think I loved school since my grades were so fantastic, but in truth, I found it to be daily torture - it was not only mentally but physically hard to sit there in what I felt was a hostile, uncomfortable social environment (I was not teased, but witnessed teasing and bullying of others) for six-seven hours a day. I would come home feeling physically destroyed. It would take hours to recover myself after a particularly bad day (which was like once or twice a week). I did not know how to put this discomfort into words and my parents were fairly oblivious - as it turns out, because they too were school refusers (more on this later). All I knew was that I could not survive going to school every day any more.

When I was 13 I began to attempt suicide several times. The sole cause of this was my desperation to avoid the experience of having to go to school each day. Me, the good student. I knew that I would never be allowed to "get out of it" so I guess I took matters into my own hands. For me, it felt like the only way out of my predicament. My parents were shocked and upset when they found out, but all I got was a tongue lashing basically. As far as I know, no one at my school was ever told, no teachers, no other adults, it was regarded by everyone in my immediate family as an embarrassment that should not be discussed.

Now I was being placed under strict surveillance at home by my parents, so my life just got more awful, and I got through it somehow but to be honest, my feelings of wanting to refuse to have to go in to class or work have remained very strong in my adult life. All this is to say that even if your child isn't playing truant or is even dutifully going to school, that doesn't mean they aren't suffering terribly inside if they absolutely hate it.

Now for the thing I learned much later on. It turns out my father, who had left school when he was in 9th grade, was also a school refuser. One time he described the stress he felt (at age 6) and how unbearable it was for him. But, somehow, his parents and teachers were aware of this (back in the 1940's!) and arranged to have him take a 6 month sabbatical, the reason for which was never explained to him (he thought he was in trouble). He remembered being very happy during this period of time. Unfortunately he had to go back which in the end resulted in him leaving school because he could not feel comfortable. He too was a very bright young man, extremely smart. (His attitude, when I asked to stay home from school for weeks at a time, was "Well, OK, as long as your grades don't suffer." He didn't see a problem with playing hooky)

One point I would like to make is: the possibility that some school refusing children are highly intelligent, bored, as well as socially stressed. No one ever looks at the schooling and considers maybe the child is bright, and bored out of their mind, in addition to the usual social anxiety. The boredom never helps the anxiety, it only makes it worse. Sometimes it IS the fault of the school. Unfortunately we live in a world where wealthy families somehow manage to get their kids all the places in gifted and talented programs, while working-class families don't have a chance.

The sad thing is that I probably would have done fine doing half-days of school, because I was that academically ahead of most of the other kids in my class. Instead, I was forced to sit there for a very draining 6/7 hour day when a few hours less might have changed my life and sense of well-being dramatically, while also keeping me engaged with my studies and with other kids. Because the long hours made me shrink into my shell, it only made matters worse. I suspect that many school refusing kids are actually quite smart and would benefit from shorter school days. I now hear about how school systems want to lengthen school days to ridiculous lengths to "facilitate learning" and my heart shudders for all the kids out there like me who could barely get through a six hour day.

Hi Ellie,

Thank you for sharing your story - and what an interesting story it is. It must have been so very hard for you, and at a time when no one wanted to talk about the depression you might have been suffering at the time.

I think you are right in regard to the majority of school refuser being bright and that the schools do not cater for this and nor do they improve the environment for all students. My son also says it is a struggle to get through the day when he is actually there. What about the unpredictable nature of school? Was that also an issue in regard to anxiety? Or the expectations placed on you?

You have not mentioned how you eventually faired in school. Did you manage to get through some schooling? Were you then able to work? Did you ever do any further study?

As a student did you want to/try to or completely avoid doing any school work when at home? What about after school? Has the avoidance/anxiety affected you in other ways (if you don't mind me asking?). Do you think it has been mostly the 'learning' environment that brings about the anxiety or did you also find yourself in avoidance situations in relation to other things when you were a teenager?

Do you have anything you can recommend to us, as parents, that might help our children? Any recommendations you can suggest that we put to schools to help our kids? Your perspective as an adult is of great interest. Sorry for all the questions but it is not often we get the perspective of an adult who has suffered from this kind of anxiety.
All the best,
Linda

Hi Ellie - I want to thank you too for sharing your story. It sure does help to hear your perspective. So sorry your journey was such a difficult one. I totally agree that a lot of the problem is with our school systems. They should not be "one size fits all". My daughter loves all the creative subjects but hates all the academic ones. Our school as well as our Higher School Certificate system very much focus on the academic. Doing really well in creative subjects just doesn't count for much especially when it comes to getting a decent ATAR for university.
Would also love to hear how you are doing now and what if anything we can do to help our children. That is what I struggle with the most, feeling helpless.

I didn't have a significant school refusal problem until I left the elementary school environment (I am in the US, where students merge into bigger schools with somewhat longer schooldays at age 12-13). However, in elementary school I had social anxiety problems that came out in odd ways, such as, I refused to eat my lunches. My mother also recalls that I had a "personality change" when I went from half-day kindergarten to full-day first grade, she said I stopped being so bubbly and energetic at home. In fact, I was extremely eager to start kindergarten and I have a distinct memory of seeing a little boy coming to the first day and crying for his mom, and feeling sorry for him. I enjoyed kindergarten a lot and was the only student in my class to learn to read in kindergarten. It was in first grade (full-day) that I started to feel bad about school. Throughout elementary school I never really had bad feelings about school that I couldn't handle, but moving on to junior high was overwhelming.

I will add that I started school (kindergarten) very young, just days after my 5th birthday, which is a little young - I was at the very tail end of the cutoff point for my class.

All this to say that, "suddenly" refusing to go to school is perhaps not a sudden decision but part of a sequence that might be starting earlier that goes unnoticed by the adults. (Adults never seemed to notice I threw my lunch away every day without eating much of it.) All along, my grades were excellent, so why would the adults think anything was wrong with me? Also, I happily ate like a normal kid while at home.

"What about the unpredictable nature of school? Was that also an issue in regard to anxiety? Or the expectations placed on you?"

I did not handle transitions well (kindergarten to full-day, elementary (one-teacher) to junior high (multiple teachers per day), but, since I didn't cause trouble, I think this went unnoticed.

"You have not mentioned how you eventually faired in school. Did you manage to get through some schooling? Were you then able to work? Did you ever do any further study?"

Yes, I finished high school on the normal schedule as my occasional weeks of absence never impacted my grades appreciably. I also finished four years of college but I definitely just went through the motions and you could say I was "barely there" in terms of participation.

"As a student did you want to/try to or completely avoid doing any school work when at home? What about after school?"

No, I actually liked schoolwork itself (well, not LIKED but it was never a source of anxiety) and when I was given these long "hooky breaks" due to an overexaggerated illness, my work would be sent home and I would complete it. I did procrastinate with after school work but I was always able to muddle through and cram for tests.

"Has the avoidance/anxiety affected you in other ways (if you don't mind me asking?)."

Definitely, I am still in an avoidance mindset in my work life. On the surface I look to be successfully employed but the old feeling of "God I just have to get out of here" is there a lot of the time. Now that we're adults, school refusers don't need to take drastic measures like suicide I suppose, we have access to drink and drugs unfortunately. It's not a mindset I recommend so it's best to deal with it in youth. But, I just want to say that it is difficult for young people to articulate and explain why they don't want to be there. But I would guess that school refusal is not a sudden, overnight problem - just that it's reached the point where the kid's compensating mechanisms can no longer cope and they really feel their personal survival is under threat if they are made to endure one more day in the classroom. When I was suicidal, I was merely focused on escaping my daily ordeal. It felt like I would be going through that forever (despite knowing graduation day would someday come, it didn't seem real). I didn't hate myself or feel generally morose. Obviously I was not coping in a healthy manner however...

"Do you think it has been mostly the 'learning' environment that brings about the anxiety or did you also find yourself in avoidance situations in relation to other things when you were a teenager?"

Definitely it goes much deeper than just the learning environment. I definitely have some form of social anxiety which has gotten better over the years, but when you are saddled with it as a schoolkid, you lose a lot of social ground that may never be made up. That said, I still really can't cope with being in certain work situations 6-7 hours a day - it feels very much like the daily discomfort of the school routine.

"Do you have anything you can recommend to us, as parents, that might help our children? Any recommendations you can suggest that we put to schools to help our kids?"

I think parents need to remain committed to keeping their kids on track for school. The most upset I get about my past experiences, is realizing my parents never told anyone outside the family about my troubles. My life could have been somewhat different if I had gotten some help. However, my parents were working class parents for whom seeing a shrink was something very alien and unattainable, even embarrassing.

If possible I would see about getting your children enrolled in some kind of day program that unobtrusively takes them out of the school environment for at least part of the day, preferably in the afternoon. Knowing that the child may resist this ("I want to go home") but it may be a little more endurable for them anyway. Gifted program, vocational program, internship, volunteer work, etc. Maybe this wouldn't work for everyone but speaking only for myself, this would have given me a little hope that school wasn't everything and my life could be different.

The hard fact, I think, is that there will never be a miraculous change of heart for kids who hate going to school. However, if you can make the days more bearable, give them a window beyond the school experience by substituting some other structured activity (NOT "Ok, do whatever you want"), it might help them get through this rough time in their lives.

I never had tantrums over going to school, but you could consider suicide attempts a private tantrum I suppose. In any case, if a kid is suddenly acting out this way, they're probably not doing it for fun or to push your buttons, it really feels like a matter of personal survival at that point and it's possible it's an open manifestation of a problem that was humming along quietly until then.

I hope this is helpful to you.

Hi Ellie,

I can't thank you enough for sharing your insight. It is most valuable for us seeing things from another perspective as the parents as well as dealing with our children who are in the midst of this and we all sometimes wonder what is on the other side.
You have made some great reflections on how the experience was for you - and it sounds so much like the stories on this forum and my own son.

As a parent I was actually very aware my son was not eating lunch - and still isn't - as I have always tried to keep things open and honest so that he will come to me if he cannot cope. It would have been so easy for him to just throw his lunch out but instead he brings it back home. I used to stress over this but now have accepted how hard it must be for him. You are probably right that a lot of parents are not aware of this kind of thing.

Your suggestion of our kids being involved in something outside school really hit home for me. I can see how isolated my son is becoming and that school looms up larger than life because there isn't something else he can refer to and compare as being 'life'. He was part of a soccer club for 2 years but getting there eventually became a problem - so it isn't easy to engage our kids in things outside of the home. But I feel, having read your thoughts - that I probably should try a bit harder on that one and I understand your thoughts on it being more a structured situation.

Perhaps when you were going through the school - no one was particularly keen on getting psychological help - not just working class families. I think these days everyone gets help as it is has almost become popular!! However - it is still not able to be embraced by those who cannot afford it - so it cuts out a huge percentage of the population. We have a mental health care plan here in Australia where it adds up to approximately 10 sessions a year where you get most of the payments back on our health care scheme (sorry - I know in the US you have no such scheme...so those who need the help are unable to access it). My observation here of the whole school refusal issue is that it effects all families from all walks of life - and that each one is desperately seeking the help that is available but it varies between country, state, and regions. Schools these days, however, are more likely to notice a school refuser but whether or not they are able to supply the support is another thing. And most teachers do not understand.

Thanks again for your story and your insight. It is really good to know you made it through eventually but as I expected - you still have to deal with those feelings in certain situations. Have you tried cognitive behaviour therapy as an adult? It seems that it is the best way forward for many people with anxiety and adults are more likely to benefit because they can see there is a reason for working through the activities or thought changing patterns.
Thanks again - and for answering the questions. Much appreciated.
Linda

Thanks for sharing your experience, Linda - and thanks for caring. It makes me feel good that current parents find my past experience useful to hear about.

I did seek therapy when I was around 30 but I probably wasn't ready for it because by the time my benefits ran out I think my therapist and I mutually agreed I should take a break before continuing. It helped, in the sense that I knew what I needed to work on, but we sort of disagreed on the "how." :-)

I grew up thinking I was the only person in the world who had "lunch refusal" (a problem I still struggle with at work when I feel I am in an oppressive situation) and it has nothing to do with anorexia/bulimia or body image. I would guess it is more akin to "selective mutism" - just the feeling of being overwhelmed, shutting down, and hunkering down. Which I would guess, school refusers try to do for years until they start actively refusing to even go in to school.

In hindsight, my suicide attempts were more akin to drug-taking. I had no access to alcohol or drugs (you have to know where to get them and I did not) so this was just an extreme strategy of escapism. (Honestly I think maybe half the kids in school who take drugs are trying to escape the boredom/rigors of the school day.) I would have much preferred to stay home "sick" forever but there was a part of me that did not want to be helped, because in my mind, "helped" meant "being forced to go to school." Deep distrust that any adult really knew how to help me, or wanted to. So, the sense of resistance is very real, I wish I could say how to magically get past it.

How did I get through the worst? I think things got less oppressive when I moved on to high school - for some reason, it seemed more grownup and less awful and the material was more on my level - and also my parents gave me and my sister our own bedrooms at around that time. (My sister and I did not have a great relationship...quite hostile actually) I can't say things got all wonderful, but at least I was not cutting my wrists or downing pills any more. Also, around that time, I was in a national academic competition and that helped open the door from the awfulness of the school routine. My parents did really care about helping me with that. So, I think extracurriculars can really help. You must find some thing your child really enjoys and encourage them to show it to the world. It may not lead to anything more (even though I did very well, the competition did not lead to a fabulous college experience or career for me, like it does for "successful" kids), but it can help them come out of a tailspin.

Whatever you do, never stop communicating to your son that school is not "forever" - things really do get better and much of what happens in school is completely artificial and being an adult is much better than being a kid. I am still trying to fumble my way through but, retirement from work is in sight for me (well, about a decade off) and somehow I've managed to get through some bad spots. At the same time, I have talents that are not being realized and that traces back to the whole "refusal" feelings that kept me uninvolved in things as a kid. So, that is frustrating and I sincerely hope other kids with this issue can do better than I have done.

It also helps to have parents who are skeptical (but not TOO skeptical) about what society tells us is "being on track" or "being successful" - while I really wish my parents had gotten me psychological help as a kid, I also recognize that if they had been "Keeping Up with the Joneses" type people, I might not be here today.

Hi Ellie
Thank you for your posts. They make fascinating reading. It is actually very helpful to read about SR from an adults point of view.
Linda asked all the questions I was thinking (thank you Linda) so I am going to re-read posts and absorb all.
My daughter (17) has been refusing for nearly 2 years now. We're in Southern Ireland so system is different again.
Have tried therapist (psych) but to no avail.
Like all the other Sr kids, she is so bright. Things always came easy to her, which she doesn't realise/appreciate.
Her difficulty stemmed from losing the friendships she had due to severe bullying which she couldn't cope with.
I have tried getting her to study at home, as she could do her Leaving Cert (which gives points for college places) as an external student but the motivation is not there.
Whether it will be there at some time in the future, I don't know. I am personally in a corner feeling I have no where to turn.
Sorry for rambling. Again many thanks for your posts.
Take Care

Virginia

Ellie

I read your story with tears down my face and so glad you shared your experience with the forum - very interesting. We were always told in the begining that my son was the only SR child the school had had and that made me feel very isolated, but you learn of others, infact lots of others. My son has now finally left education - home ed as he was a refuser for nearly 5 years, and what a relief it was when that day came for all of us. My son had like most here terrible anxieties, this has got better but i think he is getting a little depressed now, something he can't see himself and i think another trip to the GP will be coming soon if things don't improve.

Anyway take care everyone.
Sarah x

Hi Ellie,


It must have been very hard for you - and the suicide attempts perhaps both an escape as well as a cry for help? I think I have become aware that drugs and alcohol may become a leaning post for anxiety as my son grows older - and not just because of his high anxiety and that they can be an outlet or safety zone to sink into and blot everything out - but because my son has shown what i would call 'obsessive' tendencies towards things that blot out his anxiety. His addiction at the moment to the computer is not just a normal addiction as I think many parents face - but one that he cannot free himself from as he finds when he is playing a game - nothing else matters. I am trying to balance this with him facing his fears and anxieties and working through strategies to cope rather than hiding from them.

I read with interest your comment about family living up to the Jones' - my son accused me the other day of just caring about what others might think and not caring about him. I might have worried about what others think in the past but not now - I just worry about him getting an education as I do not think home schooling is the answer for him due to not having any siblings and also having social anxiety as well. He needs to face his fears with the social anxiety - hard as it may seem.

Thanks again for sharing your story. It sounds so much like my son's story The difference now, perhaps is the change in attitude from schools and seeking help and parents acceptance of what the underlying issue might be.
Take care - It is of help to parents on here to hear the other side of the story looking back.
Linda

Sarah - are things looking a bit gloomy again? It could be a common feeling for many kids who have finished school? It is a new world out there - give it time and he might start to find his way forward again.
Take care - thinking of you
Linda x

There is no possibility that your child is the only school refuser. The staff is just ignorant. On any given day in my son's school nearly 75 to 100 kids are absent out of about 700. Many of these kids are constantly absent. They are not playing hooky. They have school phobia issues that are being overlooked or misunderstood. Then the kids get involved with drugs and alcohol to self medicate. Most parents don't have the ability to deal with a school refuser. There just ins't any time. They have to keep their jobs.

Linda, you said,

"I just worry about him getting an education as I do not think home schooling is the answer for him due to not having any siblings and also having social anxiety as well."

I think your instinct is correct. Removing a child from a particular school, or decreasing the hours spent at school, may be helpful, but I don't think giving in to requests for complete isolation is ever helpful. (If the Internet had been around when I was going through the worst, I might well have become addicted to it instead of seeking escape by other means...)

An open question for any parent reading this, I'm curious about how your children respond if you ever bring up the subject of college, or career - what would they like to do for a living, and how do they see college compared to the schools they don't want to go to?