The unpredictable nature of School Refusal or anxiety in general is something that throws me every time - and I guess also throws the sufferer!
Yesterday I thought all was well. My son had a reasonably good day at school. Came home happy. He did have two tests today but he didn't seem too worked up about them.
Come morning - total meltdown. So distraught. Unable to talk him through things. I got so upset myself that we both ended up in tears. His dad ringing up and saying I had to get him there. Me knowing it was impossible and starting to worry about my son's mental health.
It is now 11.30am and I have decided that obviously today will not happen as far as school is concerned. I need to spend the rest of the day bonding....and allowing my son to gain back his confidence. His father still calls and says that I am making a big mistake if I don't get him there because it will just make matters worse for the next time. But I have been through this so many times - sometimes my son just has to have a day where he gets his confidence back. If he were to be forced to school feeling so vulnerable - I know his day could have the potential of being so much worse that he then can't go the next day. Where as by not facing the fear (seems some boys have been giving him a hard time for being away and other things) then it escalates. But.....if you suffer from anxiety - I think if it gets to a certain point - it is best to stop and take stock of the situation rather than keep pushing through. Do you agree?

I am raving on a bit here as i haven't felt this upset myself for a long time! And I think it has a lot to do with the pressure his father is putting on me and him to keep getting him to school. My aim is to keep getting him to school but I am also realistic and realise that there will be days that he just can't get there. His dad believes that he just has to face up to the fear every time and get through it. He is only 12 - he doesn't know how. He was so depressed this morning it broke my heart. Talking about 'will I be like this for the rest of my life' - 'what is the point of life' etc.

All the experts keep saying ' make them go'. But no body talks about the reality of the situation. They don't say ' there will be days when it doesn't happen - but don't beat yourself up about it'. No matter what I do - I don't get any positive feedback of 'you are doing the right thing, given the situation' - I just keep getting told I have to try harder and make sure he goes 'every day'. I know that facing one's fear is the best - but the reality is....it is not always possible. Is that a disaster? Am I failing my son - as I seem to be made to feel?
Sorry - feeling very frustrated today : (
Linda

Linda,

I'm so sorry to read about the bad day. Since I've been reading this board, I have gained a new perspective on my parents and the stuff they did and didn't do to help me (or so I thought). As someone who is decades removed from this situation, all I can say is, This situation will not last forever - either for you, or for your son. I can also say with some certainty that nothing you do is "the wrong thing" as long as you do it with love in your heart. I used to feel that my parents failed me in some way, but now that I'm older, I don't blame them. Nobody gets a parenting manual.

I'm also sorry to hear that his dad is removed from the situation and maybe not being particularly helpful to you. My parents were not divorced at the time of my school-refusing, but they later separated and I think it was unfortunate that they only rarely were able to present a united front against my school-avoidance.

Have good day today.

Hi Linda - so sorry you both had such a traumatic morning. Your post could have easily been written by me. I have been through this many times and I have definitely decided there is a point where you just have to stop and realise that it isn't going to happen that day. It is so difficult to know when to make that call....especially when you are under so much pressure. My ex thinks the same way as do a lot of my friends, I am too soft....have to just get her there etc etc. No one who hasn't walked through this knows what we face each and every day. I feel sick every morning at the prospect of waking my daughter :-( I have finally reached the point where I realise I just have to follow my gut and I will make mistakes along the way, but in the end as Ellie has said this will pass and our children will if nothing else know that they are loved and we did our best.

Thanks Ellie and Sandy,

Your support helps me get back on my feet. And also interesting from your perspective, Ellie. I feel so flat today. It is a 'curriculum day' so no school. I sent an email to the Year 7 coordinator yesterday and just explained I had done all I could but he just doesn't seem to give me the 'sympathy' I Think I crave. SO thank you - and Sandy too for you know exactly what it feels like. I know that sick feeling!

Below is what the coordinator has said. Why do I not feel encouraged by this? WHy do I just feel worse? I don't think he has gone backwards that far - this is just the nature of the anxiety. Surely the fact that he has been going mostly is ok? Why can't they see that? IF he wasn't going at all - yes - options need to be explored. Or is the coordinator right and I am just not willing to accept it? Confused.
My ex replied to the email and said that changing school won't make the issue go away (and I tend to agree - I know from this forum that the anxiety has gone with them as it is actually a mental health issue).
..........
'x needs to show some more resilience and not let these little things
get to him. It feels as though any progress x has made this semester
has unfortunately receded, meaning we may have to look into other
approaches for dealing with his issues. I wonder if we need to revisit
some of the possibilities we discussed earlier about setting
up regular face to face contact between x and 'Wellbeing'. Or exploring the option of finding a smaller school for x in which he feels more comfortable, as has helped many other children in similar situations'

"x needs to show some more resilience and not let these little things
get to him"

This comment makes me so mad, your son's schools co-ordinator has absolutely no idea what these kids are going through. "these things" are certainly not little to our children and "show some resilience" thats so difficult when you feel so lost.

Linda you are doing a great job, you were so right not to force your son to go in, it would have made it worse. It is easy for his father to say you should make him as he is not the one dealing with it.

School goes back here in just over two weeks and my daughter announced yesterday that she is going back on the first day, we will keep everything crossed but I am not raising my hopes as each day can be so different. If she does get back fantastic I will be on cloud nine, if not, well we will just carry on. As long as she is happy and we don't end up like we were at the beginning of the year thats fine with me and her Dad. Her happiness is all that matters to us now, if she gets back to school and does well fantastic, if she gets back and doesn't do well academically, fantastic and if she doesn't get back at all, well that is how it will be and we will deal with it. It so annoys me when people think and say we are soft for giving in and not making them go, believe me I am certainly not soft but I have come to realise that physically forcing her just makes the matter worse and the fact is she desperatly wants to go but physically can't.

Take Care Linda, our kids are great people and will grow up into lovely adults whether they have been to school or not X

Thanks Sue,

Your comments and support give me hope. You are so right with what the coordinator has said.
I think there is still this attitude that my son is putting this on. Why can't they see that his reactions are a result of the anxiety. He might get extra frantic and show behaviour that is way over the top - but that is his safety mechanism not to have to go. I have my fingers crossed for this week. We haven't had a good weekend so far either - every thing seems to get him upset and he keeps over reacting.
I want to just go with the flow like yourself - but I seem to be surrounded by people that think otherwise and without a husband here to support me I find myself quite isolated in my thinking. But you are so right - my ex is not here to see what goes on and how it just effects the mental health of both my son and myself.
I feel my ex is getting frantic to change things around. He is terrified that our son will end up never doing anything . But My feeling is that the stress caused by forcing him to do 'everything' as is my ex's recommendation - is just making my son worse. He was bette when there was a bit of give and take and when I seemed able to control what battles to face and what to let slide. I am not sure hwhy it has escalted into this now but I think it is that my ex had huge expectations that when my son started going ok last term that it was going to continue. But as my son said - the expectations were weighing him down.

I wish you well. You seem to have the right attitude and so does your husband. It is tough though - just not knowing what the outcome will be. What does your daughter do when she is at home? Is she doing any school work via other means?

Thanks again everyone for your support. I need to stay strong for my son and I need to stand up more to those who keep criticising me!
Linda
PS Ellie - you mentioned in a previous post about getting our kids to be part of other things outside the school. My son used to be - and including joining a soccer club - but it didn't last. I now couldn't get him to join anything. I agree it would be great - but the fear and anxiety seems to not only be aimed at the school. Do you have any recommendations as to how we might encourage this?

Hi Linda,

About activities, although I'm not a psychologist, it seems likely to me that many school refusing children are uneasy with or simply overwhelmed by group situations. Of course, a soccer team would fit that description, even though it's a more structured activity than a play group. (You didn't mention what other sorts of activities your son had tried out)

I don't mean to say that extracurricular activities will always overcome the school stress. From the age of 11 to age 13, I was involved in the national spelling bee. I really enjoyed the competitive aspect of this, I was good at it and despite my shyness, I had almost no problem getting up on stage to compete, where you are very much alone in the spotlight. I did well the first year (did not get to nationals though, just missed), but after that, my school problems started to overwhelm me and the suicidal/cutting behavior started. The second year I did very poorly in the competition and just didn't care, this was while the school avoidance feelings were beginning to overwhelm (the "sick weeks") and then the behavior started a few months later.

To make a long story short, extracurriculars aren't necessarily a savior (that 2nd year, my school problems were looming much bigger and it affected my interest in the competition, I was "washed up" as they say). But after my suicidal behavior came to light, while my parents did not get me professional help, my mom sort of threw herself into encouraging me to continue in the competition. And the 3rd year, I did make the nationals and did very well there. So, your son being involved in things like soccer and other things then drawing away, is not necessarily a "failure" but just a sign that right now, his problems are too great for him to continue. It does not mean he can NEVER get involved in things he likes (assuming that he likes soccer at all, or perhaps he just won't ever like it because of the team stuff).

I don't know how big a role introversion plays in school refusal, but I suspect it does. The competition I was in, was very much a "out there alone in the footlights" thing and not a team thing at all, so I think that's why I liked it. I've realized that (even to this day) I do very well in relating to people in one's or two's... but things seem to fall apart when I'm required to insert myself into a group of three or more people. Three seems to be the "un-magic number" with me. I get through, but it's never really fun/natural and I never really feel "safe." It's a goal I still aspire to :-)

So my suggestion, if I presume to make one at all, would be to consider activities that your son really likes but don't have those overwhelming factors. It is possible to isolate what the specific factors are, though it takes much time and introspection. Or just talking it out with mom. I know it's sometimes hard to keep talks from turning into fights...

Hi Linda,

Our daughter now has home tuition (5 hours per week) and to be honest this has been a big turning point for us, as her confidence has grown enormously since her tutor started to come. Everything she does with daughter is very positive and everything is taken very slowly. Daughter is not made to do anything until she is ready, which I think lets her stay in control of the sitution and keeps her from going over the edge again. The fact that she does extremely well in the lessons with her tutor has given her confidence in her school work and hopefully in time this is what will get her back. My daughter is also a soccer player but hasn't played since this all started, she says its because she will let everyone down and that if she is not at school she shouldn't be doing out of school activities. The thing that has been predominant with her is her fear of letting people down and of her being a disapointment, which she is far from being and I firmly believe that when she has a difficult time and really can't do something the overwelming fear of the situation and her belief of letting herself and others down is what takes over and the anxiety felt is overwelming for her. We are having less and less of these situations at the moment and I think it is because her confidence in herself is at an all time high and long may it last but the worrying thing is that she manages to get into school and someone says the wrong thing to her and we will be back to square one. Hope is all we have and is the one thing that none of us should give upon.

Take Care and hang in there. Tell your son there are others out there who know exactly how he feels and that one day he will know how to deal with these overwelming feelings and life won't then seem so frightening.

Thanks Ellie and Sue.

I think you are right, Ellie - I really must see the fact that he did join a soccer team as something really positive and maybe something some day he can return to or at least know enriched his life at the time.
I think my son also closes down if there are more than 1 or 2 people. I only ever recall going through this myself when I first started Uni and knew no one and it only took more than two people and suddenly I had no voice! I felt sick in the stomach. It took me a number of years to get over this but I did, to some degree by forcing myself to 'ask questions' then it put the focus on them instead of what I thought was the focus on me. It was of course, easier for me, as I didn't have severe anxiety - in fact I didn't know I had any! But looking back - that was what it was all about. And not being able to eat my lunch! And being terrified of going to the uni cafe and having to sit on my own and have a coffee or eat lunch. I'd probably still struggle with that one. So it is all a matter of degrees and personality. I became a teacher - and that certainly ironed out any issues I may have had - but the first day of every year I usually felt so ill I thought I would collapse! Not sure what i am saying here- just trying to understand everyone I think and what level is ok and what level renders us completely disabled in a social situation. I think the main thing is that I wasn't avoiding social situations as a result - but my son is.
Thanks for your advice Ellie - it is really good to hear from an adult who has been through this and able to reflect back. I Hope my son never gets to feel as bad as you did - self harming must have been so awful for you and those around you. It must have been such a dark time. Have you ever felt that way again?

We have had another bad day. He managed with great difficulty to get up - into his uniform - and then we got to school and he just couldn't get out of the car. He was frozen and unable to face it. He wanted to just drive around - we did so - until I became so agitated by it that we came home. I did loose my temper - I couldn't help it - I felt so frustrated. I ignored the phone for awhile then informed his dad and in strong terms said 'he will not be going today.' I need to be more assertive on these occasions but having been through the anxiety in a morning with my son - i feel totally bowled over and unable to stand up to anyone. But I did today and I think that really helped. My son is now almost back to feeling ok. He had a good day yesterday - even went to a friend's house....so what happened today? I think it was just that he has not been at school for four days and the thought of others saying 'where were you' freaked him.

Sue - you are so lucky your daughter is doing work for her tutor. That must come as some relief. Keeping up with the school work is part of the battle.
My son refuses to do the work and when I invited a young relative round to help him with his maths - he chucked such a tantrum I had to cancel. He did this when we used to have a regular tutor coming too - and we had to end up cancelling him after 4 sessions. I do not understand this. Ellie - do you have any ideas on why this might be? Is is fear of looking stupid? I think Sue that is what might be happening when you mention not letting anyone down. But the irony is that by avoiding - you let people down anyway.

I have my fingers crossed tomorrow. And for anyone else having a hard time right now! Take care everyone - thank you so much for your support -I really appreciate it - it helps reduce the extremely high stress levels : )
Linda

"Have you ever felt that way again?"

I won't lie, I have had bad periods into adulthood, but I have never engaged in that particular behavior again or had really serious ideations. If I had access to drugs I might develop a problem, but I'm just not the sort of person who would feel safe standing on a street corner looking for a dealer, or trying to persuade my doctor to prescribe "the good stuff." Other people might not have a problem doing that, so that's a worry I would feel for other kids who grow up still struggling with the "too muchness" of life.

I suppose my basic working philosophy or idea, is that despite all the obvious disadvantages of being relatively disconnected from "the program," there are many creative adventures you can have, so suicide is a bit of a waste (not to mention a poor communication method). And I also still believe in the "Who knows what might happen?" factor.

At some point you have to embrace your difference and all of the challenges therein, and live your life from your own center. You may be off track and not on the train (or, barely hanging on to it), but next to the track is a path that goes somewhere a little different, you meet other people there from time to time, and it all ends up at the big ocean just like the track does.

We all have a path to walk, it's OK to miss the train that everyone else seems to be on, or be hanging on for dear life right now; but you can't just sit there, you have to get up and walk YOUR path. (My personal feeling, is that it's an advantage to hang on to the train - ie complete school - for a little while at least until high school graduation. But even if that is absolutely not possible, you still have to walk along, you have to have some sort of financial income, and so on. )

Hi Linda - Apologies i've not been on the forum for a while, it upsets me to see so many families still suffering and nothing seems to change.

It is so easy - tell your son he has to go and he will lol !! oh it makes me so angry when people who have abslolutley no idea what you are going though think you are being a soft touch they ought to try living in your shoes for a few mornings they will soon realise just how difficult it is !!

You are doing a fantastic job and don't ever forget it - your son does go to school, and yes as the odd wobble but hey he is doing so so well, be proud of him and yourself.

I just don't know what the answer is and my heart goes out to all you parents on here it really does, but all i say is stay strong, support your child and take care of yourselves and you will get through it, we did and i never thought we would.

Sarah xx

Hi Ladies,
I know I haven't contributed to this forum much, but let me just say I really appreciate all of you. I haven't got the words to express how I feel, but I am finding a lot of similarities with our stories and can understand completely. At least I know that there are others who understand what we are going through.
I find it very distressing that I am misunderstood most of the time when explaining the situation to people or trying to get help from a doctor. Is school refusal classed as a mental health diagnosis like depression or bi-polar? It seems there is such limited knowledge about this in the community. Ladies, thanks for sharing your story.

Hi Melanie,

Hope you had some success this morning? It was a real struggle at this end but he is finally there. It does my head in just the constant trying to get him up and out the door.

You raise an interesting point re the school refusal. It is a bad term. It does not come under a mental health issue by itself which is why I started not using it when talking to others. My son was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and now also Social Anxiety. These are recognised as mental health issues - but as far as I know, 'School Refusal' is not because it is seen in fact a symptom of anxiety rather than just an anxiety in itself. From our point of view it is hard to tell sometimes and it really does appear that School Refusal could be a mental health issue just in itself. The word 'REfusal' has never sat well with me as it sounds like they just put their hands on their hips in defiance and say 'I'm not going - so there!' when in fact we observe our poor children go through such high anxiety and trauma - it is not a matter of just refusing, it is a total meltdown at the 'thought' of getting there or the anxiety levels when there.
The term 'School Refusal', however, is well known amongst psychologists so is taken seriously as a serious health concern but it is not, it seems, something all doctors or even schools are aware of. There is too much resemblance to 'truancy' by the use of the term 'refusal'.
I am no psychologist but I also wonder if some of the issues that appear as anxiety outside of the school situation with our kids start to develop because of loss of self esteem from not being able to do what all their peers do - and that is attend school. It must wear their thoughts down to a level that they feel they are not 'normal' and thus it frightens them to challenge themselves outside of school as well. Or it could just be that they have anxiety and it effects school so much as it is every day. Maybe one day when they do a lot more research we might know the answers but it seems that we are the ones just bumbling our way through and trying to find out how to get our kids moving forward. We all deserve medals - and so do our kids : )
Take care,
Linda xx

Hi Ellie,

Thanks for sharing how you have gone - it is interesting for us parents to know what might lie ahead - although I know all people are different. Your mention of drugs is something I have been aware of for awhile - I have felt for some time that my son is just the kind of person who - if he tried drugs - would find that he would use it to feel better, even if temporarily. I also know he has a kind of addictive nature when it comes to doing things that shut out the anxiety. So drugs, alcohol, gambling...all something I hope and pray he never ever touches!

I really liked the way you described your experience - it painted a very realistic picture. And the reference to the 'too muchness' of life. That is an excellent description.
I liked your image of the train and hanging on for awhile - but ok if you don't - I will share what you have written with my son.
Thanks again - and stay in touch - your insight is very helpful.
Take care
Linda x