My daughter is 14 and is currently a school refuser . during the las term she only attended for 3 weeks and this was only on a 2 hour basis in a learning centre away from other peers and class room sitiuation she didnt even go to school at the normal times and i had to take her . She has underlining mental health problems she also has Aspergers GAD ( Generalized Anxiety Disorder ) plus god knows what else is aggressive violent especially towards me and her siblings . Shes not due back for 2 weeks and her anxiety is through the roof already and is refusing to go back , shr has attempted self harm before which broke my heart . Ive contacted her mental health team and they are going to arrange a meeting in school at start of term but no provisions have been put in place for her to go back and im so worried and upset that they are letting my daughter down ad i just need help xx

Hi Vikki

Firstly are you in the UK ? If so i would ask for a CAF meeting - common assessment framework where all the professionals involved all meet to discuss what is best for your daughter - it isn't a blame session and i found them very helpful. What does your GP say and are they helpful ? are you under CAMHS ?

Anxiety manifests itself in many forms and we have to remember our children do not want to be like this but it is equally difficult for the family too.

Sorry im not much help but if you can enlighten me with a few more details i will see what other support i can offer.

Take care of yourself too.

Sarah x

Hi Vikki
Sorry your family are going through this. It's really hard to deal with at times.
I've been there with the anxiety coming up to the start of a new term with my daughter.
She has not been to school in 18 months and it doesn't look like it's going to happen any time soon. She is 17 and like the other kids on here, is one smart girl, but has suffered badly at the hands of her so-called friends previously, and it wrecked her confidence and self-esteem.
I have no answers for you, wish I had.
Do you plan to have your daughter meet the team in school when the term begins?
Will she be willing?
There are so many good and helpful posters here who will have more information for you at times so keep posting.
Take care

Hi Vikki,

So sorry to hear how things are for you. This must be so hard.
Having read through both your posts - I can see one big positive - she does have friends. They might not be in school- but that doesn't matter. She must have made these friends in the past and hopefully she can keep one or more even through the bad patch.
You say she has been diagnosed with Aspergers - and yet she has made friends outside school? Do these friends also have some issues? Are you able to meet with other parents whose children have Aspergers? What made them decide it was Aspergers? Sorry to ask this but I find that many posting on here do bring this up - me included, as I had a teacher suggest my son might have Aspergers (he doesn't). Many of the symptoms cross over between the two and so it gets us wondering if our kids do or don't have this. Whilst it might not help to know what our kids have other than the School Refusal - it probably can help us find the right help for them.

Who diagnosed the Aspergers and GAD? The reason I ask is that I wonder if whoever diagnosed this should be in there giving you the support you need? Are you able to see a pscyhologist outside of school?
Cognitive Behaviour therapy really does help but your daughter might need some other help as well, including how to control her anger. My son also has anger outbursts. I am told this is a result of his total frustration with the anxiety (he was diagnosed with GAD and now this has shifted to include social anxiety). Your daughter's anxiety might have also shifted to include this? Or has she always had trouble making friends or interacting in social situations?
The trouble is I find with my son - the more he is away - the more the kids at school abandon him or give him a hard time for being away. So its a vicious circle.

Have you come across this book below? Google it - it comes up in Amazon . There is also a webpage but I find it a bit way over the top in advertising.
The Aspergers syndrome survival guide by Craig Kendall

And you may have already come across this site?
http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2010/03/aspergers-children-school-refusal.html

Keep posting - we are a supportive bunch on here and try to help each other as much as we can. You are doing all you can. If your daughter can't get back to school - there are other ways around finding an education. Let her know that its not her fault and that you understand (or are trying to).
Take care,
Linda

Hi dont worry about all the questions im a bit the same . She was diagnosed with aspergers after a 5 year battle with multi organisations . She was diagnosed with DCD ( Developmental coordination disorder ) but i knew it more and at the age of the 9 the tantrums behaviour was getting so bad i went to the GP who refered us to camhs were she saw a mental health nurse , as soon as she saw her after 1 session she said she was sure Kate was on the ASD spectrum so we started the ball rolling she had speech and language reports plus loads of others all this info went to a scat team which is a team of specialists who look at all the evidence and come to a conclusion which was Aspergers . She hasnt come to terms with having Aspergers very well hates the fact she is different stands out from the crowd . Shes had CBT but she wasnt in the right frame of mind for it to have the desiered effect and is now under a physcatrist because of the anxiety depression but i feel appointments are few and far between shes having no course of treatment and im just left to deal with it .

The friends she has are all very different a couple are very similar to her 1 with ASD and 1 with ADHD they are both girls but they arent always the best to be around because they both have there own anxietys and i find these heighten hers a bit more . As for boys shes always being asked always over bloody facebook she as a cyber relationship ( i do monitor this as its scary ) then after a few days she board or they are clingy none of these boys are at her school and i worry cause they are all abit older 16+ i know she meet one and he tried to put his arm round her and she doesnt like being touched ( sensory problems ) so he was ditched shes a complete ***** to people her friends included she always has to be i control to cope but this isnt working her for etiher . She is so complexed .

I read every book article going to try and help me to understand ive also planted books in her room to encourage her to find out more bt an the moment shes just not intrested .

A small security error occurred, and two posts were removed from this thread. I have replaced them below, but the continuity will now be out of order.

Vikki: Yea we are under camhs and based in County Durham . Had a caf which ended in november as katie seemed to be finding things ok at the time . In my opionion its an act thats all shes fine she's very good at that pretending alls ok till she gets out of a place/meeting then kicks of i wish she would show her true colours to the professionals then they may be able to help her . Ive been looking into the Gap provision so she can get her GCSEs she an A grade student and like so many other refusers its the bullys thst mske this situation twice as bad but the school is always saying there isnt a bullying issue and she won't grass on the other kids . They have also said she should be able to go to school as she sociolises out of school she has 4 friends and only 1 lives in our town and goes to her school shs to scared to go to the park and over populated areas even with these friends so to me thats not normal sociolising anyway aaahhhhhhhhh my head is totally battered with it all xx



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Linda
Aug 24, 2012 - 9:33PM
58.6.245.133
Quote Reply Re: What do i do HELP
Hi Vikki,

That does sound complex! You certainly have a lot on your hands. You are doing well just hanging in there. You also now have those teen behaviours kicked in with the rest by the sound of it. You mentioned last time about her taking it out on you and her siblings. As my son said ' you are the closest - so of course you cop it!". Does the school not offer specific help if a child is diagnosed with Aspergers? A student Aide perhaps?

I know someone on the forum some time back advised me to step back and re connect with my son. I was able to do that and it certainly helped me as it allowed him to feel that I did understand him (this is in relation to going to school) and it allowed me to accept where my son was/is at the time. WE still struggle and he still yells 'I hate you' or 'you must really hate me' type things and worse when he is having a bad patch but generally I can tell he does know I am there for him and he now apologises for the outbursts and says when they start he just can't seem to stop them. I still struggle to get him to bed at night and then to sleep (I am sure if he had more sleep he'd be able to face mornings better). He was able to take a step forward when he accepted that he had anxiety. I am not sure how anyone 'accepts' Aspergers - sometimes labels can sound frightening. But accepting the symptoms that go with it would be a step forward, if she is able. Pity about the CBT, isn't it. Great thing but unless our kids are ready to take it on board - it doesn't quite work.

Can you put the pressure on the psychiatrist to start something specific - what you describe sounds very ad hoc. Does your daughter relate ok with them? WE have changed psychologists over the years - just to find one that my son is ok with - but even then - sometimes with the anxiety - he refuses to see her. The psychiatrist we saw was very specific about what was required and met with myself, my ex and my son - sometimes all three of us together - at other times all separate. We would have kept seeing her but she cost a fortune : (
What does your daughter do when she is away from school?

I can understand your concern with Facebook. That is a worry at her age. Does the UK also have a big campaign to stop kids either just using Facebook or trying to meet strangers via facebook? On the other hand - Facebook can allow some kids to have friends, even if they are cyber friends. I guess its just a balance in some cases.

Hang in there. Try stepping back and letting your daughter know you love her no matter what and that being different is what the whole world is about! Does she have a particular talent or gift that some Aspergers children have? I hope the school or the psychiatrist start to pull together and give you the support you should be getting. Keep in touch with the forum - we are all here to help - we know what you are going through.
Linda xx