Hi everyone, haven't been on a while because of the school hols and we have all been enjoying not thinking about 'the problem' for a while! However, I have started to get anxious about my daughter going back to school in September. In a previous post I wrote some weeks ago I said that I had lost my temper with her and stormed out the house - it wasn't so much the avoiding school as her attitude towards me, really 'off', not letting me in on even the slightest bit how she felt. Total disdain for my feelings in the matter despite the months of help I have tried to get for her and give her. I have to say that since I showed her how upset I was (I am quite an even-tempered person and have never stormed out the house before and she was shocked) she has been a lot better towards me and is talking to me a little bit more. I have had to ask her whether she wants to go back to the psychologist as term starts and she has said that she is going to try to go back on the first day with all the others and wants to take it from there. The conversation was not long but at least she gave me something, that's all I ask!

I know I am lucky as she is in her last year of sixth form college and could, in fact, leave school and get a job but she desperately wants to get her exams and is talking now about going to Uni so she would see leaving now as a big failure. The school are going to support her through this next year no matter what happens so, again, I know how lucky we are compared to some of you who are not getting the support and sympathy you deserve.

I have realised that my daughter is now 'classroom phobic' and not 'school phobic'. Six months ago she was not attending school at all but thanks to the psychologist and CBT she is back but is having difficulty sitting in some lessons. So she is ok in Art where she can move around and go out to the loo if she wants to (this is a big problem for her, her anxiety gives her an upset stomach) but she is phobic about the other lessons that are more formal, sitting in a row of desks with the teacher at the whiteboard - she cannot leave to go to the loo without feeling conspicuous and embarrassed. All her teachers know she has a problem and never say anything to her if she leaves the room but she is more embarrassed about what her peers think.

I have suggested to her that she pretends she has a problem with low blood pressure and that sometimes if she sits still for a long time she feels a bit faint and needs to leave the room to get some fresh air. I think this is a really good idea as she needs to not view leaving the room for a while as the most terrible thing on earth, which is what she is doing at the moment. If the fear of needing to leave the classroom is lessened, then she won't get an upset stomach and won't need to leave the room! I have put this to her and she hasn't dismissed it and is obviously mulling it over.

She went on a daytime date yesterday with a lad whom she didn't know well and got so anxious. She was pale and couldn't eat and felt sick. It was horrible as she has not been like that for weeks as there has been no school. I knew that if she didn't go she would feel worse so I took her for a walk around the block and got her to breathe properly and to say to herself "I am strong and calm" and she felt a bit better when we got back, ate something small and went on the date. She had a great time in the end!

If only she can do that in September for starting school! I am scared we will be back to square one with her attending Art but sitting in the library for the other lessons, not able to go in to the classroom.

I know that if this happens I need to just accept it but I long for the normality we used to have.

Anyway, that's enough from me. Supportive hugs to all of you on here.

R x

Hi Ros

I don't think we have spoken before so hi. You have hit the nail on the head, it's certain classes and my son was the same, just sitting at a desk was awful for him. He always felt that wherever he was he needed to be able to get out, for example he was an excellent football player, so much so he was given an award by a very famous footy manager, the fact that the press was there turned him against the game having photos etc and has never played since which was a huge huge shame - you never know where he could have been now. Anyway we were invited to watch his team play with complimentary tickets, he was so so excited but we had to get there early, just so he could assess the place and if he needed to how he could get out, a routine he practiced a few times before the game started, and he was fine !!

If our children could just try they would be fine, but it is a hurdle they don't seen to be able to jump.

Good luck with the start of the term, i hope you are both ok.

Sarah xx

hi Ros,

Good luck for the start of September. It sounds like your daughter is really trying - and being able to push through and go on the day time date must have been an enormous step forward for her.
Is there someone she can walk/drive to school with on the first day? The extra support or knowledge of having someone else to enter the school grounds with might help - I know it does with my son on the first day back of each term. Let us know how it goes. Your daughter will either move ahead through the normal system or side step and get ahead via a different one (she sounds like she has thoughts of the future - and that can only be good).

I wish everyone heading towards a new term lots of support and good luck. We can only do our best - and try and stay calm despite those feelings of dread that loom up. Our term ends in 4 weeks - so we are half way through ours down here.
Take care Ros -
Linda xx

Hi Sarah

Yes, it is odd isn't it, definately a feeling of being 'trapped' for them and needing to know how to get out if the need arose. I had a short period in my life of having panic attacks years ago and I remember feeling the same, wherever I went I was looking for the exit so I knew exactly how to get out quickly. It was hard work but I eventually conquered it by staying put and riding out the anxiety (which is so hard when your heart is pounding and you feel sick and faint) breathing correctly and telling myself that there was no danger and that it was all in my head. It also helped to have someone with me, they didn't have to do much, just be calm and reassuring. I can still feel a bit odd if I am in a crowd (or underground) and that 'trapped' feeling starts to rise but I am an old hand at it now and have learned to calm myself down before it reaches the stage of panic. However, this is easier for me to do as I am an adult.

My poor daughter, your son and all the other youngsters on here are understandably wanting to escape these very unpleasant feelings when they feel them looming, by leaving the situation or avoiding it in the first place. For my girl, the best thing she could do would be to enter the classroom, sit down and learn how to calm herself down in situ, without running out the door. Even though she has never been sick or fainted in front of anyone, she still believes she might and then the embarrassment for her would be too much to bear. It is this belief that is keeping this all going.

When all this started at the beginning of the year she was attending most of her lessons but leaving them occasionally. In two weeks (ten school days) I asked her how many times she had had to leave the classroom and she said three. I am trying to get her to see that actually that wasn't bad at all and that attending the classes and having to leave occasionally is much better than avoiding school altogether. But to her, it was just too humiliating for words.

It is such a shame about your son's football opportunity but the self-consciousness he felt at all the possible attention just got too much for him. It's great that he was able to enjoy watching his team after some 'trial runs' so that he felt confident and safe.

What is he doing with himself these days, is he ok?

We have got another trial to get through tomorrow as she is going on a train for a short distance to see this new lad. Before, she has got horrendously anxious on public transport but she is determined to go so we shall see what tomorrow brings!

Ros x

Hi Linda!

Thankyou. Yes, she is trying bless her. She has not got anyone to walk to school with as they come from a different direction and unfortunately none of her best friends who know about her anxiety are in her form room so she does have to go in on her own. I could ask her if it would help if one of her friends could meet her by the gate or something though.

You are right, she will either do it the conventional way or another way. I hope she can be strong and conquer it as she is talking about Uni now (before she said she didn't want to go) and will need to attend lectures and will have the same problem if she can't learn to handle things.

I have actually got a new job which I start in two weeks, the same time as my daughter going back to school. It has never been helpful to her to have me around when she is anxious and it has sometimes got a bit heated as whatever I say or don't say is wrong, so I have decided to look after me and be out of the house a bit more (I have been working from home for the last 8 years). So every morning I will going into work, coming back after lunch and missing most of the 'will she, won't she' that we have had over the past year. You never know, she may be better without me there!

How has your son been over the last few days? I see you were both struggling a week or so ago.

Ros x

hi Ros,

I really hope it works out for you. I have often wondered myself whether working from home makes it better or worse but I can't see how I can have an outside job with the amount of time he has off.
Still struggling. Today might still happen. Missed first lesson - promised to go in for second lesson - but that is starting in a few minutes. It is so painful to watch the pain he goes through! And so frustrating not to just get him out the door. I thought this week might be a good one....but not to be : (
All the best to you and your daughter. I hope it works with the job and her going. But don't despair if it doesn't. But thinking of ourselves in all of this is something that is often hard to do.
Linda xx

I definitely did feel "trapped" a lot of the time and that the school day was much too long. It wasn't attention deficit disorder so much as a feeling of oppressiveness.

Ellie,

Makes sense - the anxiety is still with you (even though my son's teachers keep telling me he looks fine at school - they just don't know how he looks at home!!). My son is always complaining about how long the school day is - and to an agonising length.

He got there yesterday at midday. I won't describe all the stress beforehand - and not getting out of the car etc. He was there - and he came out fine. After school, for something different, I took his bike along in the back of the car to pick him up and suggested he ride home with his friend....which they did. So after feeling like I had a few nervous breakdowns in the morning - the day ended well : )

Good luck to everyone else.
Linda

Hi all,
Hope things are going well.
Reading the posts I feel its amazing we as parents havent all lost our minds with the stress.
It practically flies out of the screen lol.
The endless worry of will they or wont they has been, for me, sometimes too hard to bear.
Wishing everyone facing into a new school year/term all the best. Sending strength to parents and children alike.

Hi Ros
Im totally with you im dreading next week more than anything ive stil ot got heruniform as she doesnt want to go and be grudge paying it for it to sit in the wardrobe . I cant believe that there isnt more help or understanding from professional regarding the more i look rserch more brick walls seem to appear its unreal . Like you i think im going to go mad at times and it causes such hugh strains on the whole family and relationships between me and my hubby he is on the ill drag her to school kind of thinking like that will work .
Hope that next week isnt as bad as you think
Vikki xx

Hi Vikki and everyone else on edge for next week,

Thinking of you all. I know I have become stronger over the years but like you, my stress levels still go through the roof. We all need medals for what we go through with our kids (and they need medals for every little step they take to break down the fear barrier). I do sometimes feel like I am having a nervous breakdown but luckily manage to scramble up again - our kids need us.

The irony for me yesterday (and I was really taken aback) was that my son broke through the barrier and finally got to school (he has been avoiding PE/Sport as they are doing Bike Ed and he is a bit slow/afraid on his bike as it has been years since he rode - but now has a new one and has been practising at home all week and getting really good). He turned up at Bike Ed yesterday and was told he was not allowed to ride with them (the boys) in the streets as he was too slow last week when they went out and so he had to play tennis with the girls!!! My son said he was relieved. Yes - I can imagine - but he missed most of the day before because of this and almost didn't get in yesterday. He was ready to break down the big barrier - and the teacher chose otherwise. So we are back to square one. What I want to know now is 'will my son ever be taken out into the streets with them' because if not....we can stop going through absolute hell every PE day!! Some people just don't have a clue what we go through, do they!

We have three weeks of term left....my heart goes out to all of you just starting again. Vikki - perhaps you can buy the uniform but explain to the shop? And then return if not used? Not getting the uniform might give your daughter the idea you don't trust her (which of course at this stage you don't - but she doesn't have to know that!!?). Just an idea.
Can she go to school with another student on that first day?
Take care -
Linda xx

Hi all,
I've been there with the uniform, a couple of them in fact. And the 'I'll drag her into school' camp. That my head is still on my shoulders is testamount to our body's ability to not explode in times of stress.

Linda, my heart goes out to your son. Some teachers I'll never understand. Where was the harm in letting him join in with the cycling group?
Maybe it's me but I find some of their thinking very confusing. I usually figure that life can be so simple and pleasant and stress free if some people would only see the world from another's point of view.

Sorry rambling again.

Good luck to all in the new term.

Virginia

hi Virginia,

It is that lack of empathy, isn't it, for others who might not fit into the square peg. Yet the world is made up of people who are all different from each other!
Good luck,
Linda xx

Thank you Vikki, good luck to you too xx

Hi Linda, gosh don't we all know how you feel - they've not gone in in time for the very start of the day but maybe...maybe... they will go into the next lesson? Oh no, still looking sick and anxious and not moving from the sofa, obviously not to be today - maybe lunchtime if I am really lucky? Yes, gone in for lunch but sat in library after lunch instead of going into lesson.......aaaaarrgghhh! It's like torture!!!

Will let you know how next Friday goes!
xx

Hi Ros,

Torture exactly!
Good luck.....will be thinking of you : )
Stay strong
Linda xx