I see a lot about children refusing to go to school due to anxiety. I don't believe this is the case with my son.

My question:
Has anyone heard of a school refusal that doesn't involve anxiety? Maybe my son has a bit, but I'm confident that anxiety isn't the problem. He cannot cope with the thought that he will be at school all day. It tortures him. He just feels like he's a caged animal or something. It's like everything closes in around him when he has to be there all day. Just the thought of being there all day stresses him out. It's like an overwhelming stress, but it's not fear. It's intense, unexplainable feelings of hatred toward the situation. He talks about how boring it is, and how he's never going to use anything he learns, and how this isn't going to do anything for him in life. In life, in general with him, if he doesn't see the point of doing something, he gets extremely frustrated if he has to do it. I cannot describe how he is, except that it's like torture, those are his words.


Short backstory:
He is 14 now I have been dealing with school refusal since day one of preschool. Ten years of this has gotten long and draining. He did not finish 4th grade. Went most days to 5th grade. Then everything really started getting bad in 6th grade. We pulled him out with a few months left. For 7th, he was on homebound education through his IEP. He was diagnosed bipolar and started on meds which did help him.


Now we are at 8th grade, and we moved. He really wanted to move away from his old school because he hated it so much there. We wanted to move to another town as well, so the move was overall good for him. Transitions are tough though, even good ones.

The first day of school was last Friday (today is Thursday). On Monday, he refused to go. I talked to the principal and she and I worked out a half day schedule for him. He was super excited and relieved. He wants to go to school very much, he wants to be normal. But school drives him crazy after lunch. He can handle only going until lunch. A half day is the difference between night and day.

The principal seems to understand. Yesterday, I met with the IEP team (principal included). The team wants this to only be a starting point. They want to gradually start adding classes. I know he will not be able to handle that. After 10 years of school refusal, I know how this will go...

I feel like I can't find the information I need. If anyone has heard of a type of stress that is overwhelming and causes a person not to function, but isn't anxiety related, please...help me out! I'd like to figure this out before we see a psychiatrist on Saturday, a new one from the area we have moved to.

Hi Laura,
Your going through a tough time. My heart goes out to you and your son.
If he is happy and willing to go for half days for the moment, could the school be happy themselves with that.
I fail to understand how teachers/principals want to rush something that may be working, albeit, slowly, but working all the same.
If someone is anxious, rushing them is only going to pile on the anxiety.
You say you have an appointment with a physch on Saturday. Hopefully this will go well.

Wishing you all the best. Keep posting as needed, there are some wonderful people on here who may be able to offer advice. Sorry I dont have anything practical to give.

Take care.

Virginia

hi Laura,

So sorry to hear how things are with you. I can understand how you feel - I have been going through this for nearly 8 years now and it really wears you down, doesn't i. And i agree with Virginia - it is great that he is going in for half days. It is really hard probably for you to know how long to go with that and when to introduce more classes but slow is probably the best way. The principal probably doesn't want the half days to become an ingrained habit because then it is hard to break. I'd go with your gut feeling and you are the one who knows your son best.

Can I ask what makes you feel it is not anxiety? Is it that he wants to go to school? Is there no form of anxiety outside of school such as avoidance of shopping centres, socialising too much etc?
From what I have researched and what we have gone through - and from stories on the forum, school refusal does manifest itself in different ways but the base seems to be anxiety. The word 'school refusal ' is really the wrong term and gives the wrong impression. The anxiety seems to sometimes be triggered by crowds, loud noises, social situations, expectations, too much unpredictability etc. SOme kids might border on the autism spectrum even and some have been told their children do or might have Aspergers.

My son originally did want to go to school and I think deep down he still kind of does. But it has worn him down so much in trying to cope with it that he has turned against it. Friends are also a vital link for him - and whilst he does have one good friend - if he is away - then it is hard for him to connect with others as they alreayd have their friendship circles. My son was also not what I would call shy but now at high school is really quite reserved as he finds it hard to get through a whole day (he turns 13 soon). A school is an environment that we don't really go through again in our lives - so it is not surprising that our kids with any form of difficulty find it hard to cope.

You mention your son having been diagnosed with bi-polar. That sounds like a really big label for him and you - how have you coped? I am not an expert - but my son ticks the boxes for many symptoms of child onset bi-polar too and yet he also ticks the boxes for anxiety disorder. He was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Order but we have also been told by various experts it is separation anxiety from his comfort zone and now social anxiety.

I have been told that the mood changes in my son - the highs and lows are a result of him trying to cope with his anxiety. He gets very frustrated. He also gets on a high that is kind of a weird when I think he is shutting out the anxiety. It always kind of scares me as I know a low is coming. He has also been depressed for weeks in the past and just kept saying he wanted to end his life but has not been like this since I was more able to accept that he has a problem and also he accepted that he had this anxiety. So perhaps there are many cross overs with these conditions? I'd go to the psych with an open mind and let them do the questioning regarding anything your son might be suffering from - but just throw all the details out to them.

I guess in my rather too long an answer...I am saying that most School Refusal kids have not chosen to stay away from school because they do not like it. SOmething triggered within them and then they just could not go. My son and many on here have had (and still do have) complete meltdowns and cannot break through the barrier to get to school. My son is better once he is there but still finds himself unable to eat lunch etc as he is too uptight.
Did you son go through that? I would also ask the pscyh outright if they think your son has an anxiety disorder, bi-polar or even Aspergers. Good luck - and keep posting - everyone on here is so supportive and they saved me hitting rock bottom a couple of years ago. Let us know how you go.
Take care,
Linda

Hi Laura,

I was a school refuser (I think mild in practice compared to what some others are going through) and I can definitely say that the "caged animal" feeling is something I experienced. There was anxiety involved, but my style was to stuff anxiousness down inside and never really express it. But physically the full school day tired me out and overwhelmed me and fed whatever anxiety I had. It made me want to "shut down" well before the end of every day. (I am always aghast to hear at how long kids are expected to stay in school these days... in my local district they are talking about full-day kindergarten now, which is just insane, and I would like to beat some of these "educators" over the head with the average six-year-old's way-too-heavy backpack full of homework.)

To be honest I still have trouble making it through full work days, but there are just so many mental health days you can take before your job is in jeopardy...

Even though you feel pessimistic, I think you are fortunate to be in a school where they will permit half-days, at least for now. I wish I had had that luxury. Getting him into school every day is more than half the battle and I hope the school team will understand that you need personal support as well in this problem.