Pretty certain that as from tomorrow I will be having the life of school refuser happening to me.

Camhs have told me not to use physical force to get my son to High school which he starts tomorrow. She did tell me though not to worry about prosecution as she will write a letter to the EWO if need be.

Camhs mentioned school phobia to me , my son has autism and anxiety. When I mention high school he growls and jumps on me,he is so cross, he reuses to speak about. I think I have no chance of getting him there..

So here's to my new life, what a scary prospect, will let you know how he gets on or not as the case may be.

Hi Cathy,

My heart goes out to you - it is just not easy, is it. Did your son show signs of school refusal at Primary school (or anxiety perhaps as you mention that). Did he have extra help having been diagnosed with autism or is he on the high end of the spectrum?

By the time you read this the day will have happened. How did it go? Is there someone your son can go to the school with? My son found entering the school grounds on his own impossible but luckily he had a friend who lived nearby and he went to school with him for the first few weeks.

CAMHS sound good - not many understand that physical force is not the way to go. I end up being fairly forceful - not physically - but it is really draining and I am not sure it is doing either of us much good but he does get there mostly (he started high school at the start of this year).

There is plenty of support on here so come on here any time, everyone understands how you feel.
Let us know how it went.
Linda

Thanks Linda, I have got 11 hours before school starts now, feeling really scared but in a strange way relief that this day is finally here. I have had to physically force my son to school for nearly two years, I have to dress him and drag him out of the house, drag him to school, he hits and kicks me and tries to push me in the road. Camhs and school nurse said there is a time to stop forcing and High school is that time. They said they will support me. They said I had done an amazing job and after telling them my story about primary school and the things I had happened there and the horrible things said to me they couldn't believe I had coped so well.

He saw his school tie tonight and totally freaked out, he threw things and said terrible things,.He would have someone to go with but refuses to go with them, he is too scared and I mean real fear. Camhs mentioned school phobia, he is literally terrified,. He refuse to sleep on his own on school nights and tries to stay awake,he is asleep next to me now and will be furious when he wakes up as he told me to wake him up if he fell asleep.

My son has high functioning autism, has no statement, only an I EP.

I am going to try to sleep now as I know I will be awake at 3.00am worrying again.

Cathy - this is so stressful for you. And I can really relate to all that you say. It breaks our hearts to see our kids struggling so much. Our primary school didn't understand at all and blamed me. Not sure the high school have full understanding either but they are at least keen to have meetings and meet with my son's psychologist etc.
Has your son had regular therapy of some kind?
Don't worry if the day doesn't happen. You have done all you can. Your son also needs to feel that if he can't make it it is through no fault of his own - so hopefully the school can support that.
The threads on here about home schooling are really interesting and might be the only way for you to go forward.
Does he have siblings? Are you doing this on your own? If so - it's tough, isn't it!!

Hope you get some sleep but if it comes to a total meltdown from your son - just step back. Accept where he is and there will be roads forward. Things got better for me when I was able to accept my son had anxiety but also when he accepted (perhaps not the right word - but recognised maybe) that he had anxiety. When he was at Primary school he refused point blank to go to school with anyone else (except the first day of every term he went with one particular boy who he had known from kindergarten). They don't want their peers to see them so stressed. For my son it was also like all his worry thoughts were written all over his outside body - so he felt like everyone was not only looking at him but reading his mind as well. Your son probably feels similar.

Is the school a big school? Is he up to doing half days? I have read many options on this forum that work for some and not others.
Thinking of you - just give each other a big hug if it doesn't work out for the first day.
Linda xx

Well he refused to go, I tried to encourage him to dress but he cried and was shaking like a leaf. I rang the school up and explained, some one will ring me back later. He has a younger brother and my DP who is also their Dad lives here too, we really must get married soon, we have been saying that for 13 years!

Camhs mentioned therepy but then said as he will not talk to them it will be very difficult so not sure at the moment what is going to happen, they said he needs help from an autism team really but they rejected us in December so Camhs are going to see if they have a word with the autism team to accept us.

Camhs said it is plainly obvious he is different from other people, CAMHS said I don't have to worry bout going to court as they will write a letter to EWO.

Will keep you all informed.

The school rang back and said they will have to inform the EWO, there was no mention of him doing half days or anything else,just straight to EWO ,they said don't worry about EWO, that she would be there to help but I am not so sure. I don't feel too bad at the moment maybe it is because the last two years have been hell and it feels a relief not to drag him but I am sure that will change.

hi cathy,

That sounds awfully quick to send info to EWO? I thought you said he was starting high school? Surely they would meet with you (and your partner : )....) first?
Do you have support from any autism societies/orgs in the UK? Seems your son being high on the spectrum gets overlooked. I know of someone here who has a similar problem. Their son has Aspergers and they ask for the school to make allowances for him but some teachers just refuse and so the boy who goes to school more than my son, still goes through hell every now and then and breaks down and can't get to school when the pressure is put on him to join in certain activities or present things to class etc. School is just too unpredictable for some kids and the expectations too high.

I am sure you have given your son a big hug.....he must be feeling so awful not knowing what is happening to him.
Make sure you document everything as you go. Simon who set up this site has always stressed this. It is very important for later down the track to present to those who question what is happening. Documentation that includes how your son experiences the thought of school right through to the school's response and reactions and information from doctors and other outside help.
We had an interesting program on our TV here just the other day about Autism and the possible connection between antibiotics as a young child/baby and the big injections - when their immunity is down. There is information on the Internet and a recommendation for special diet to help with some of the issues that happen with autism. I am sure you have been down this road. There has always been controversy about whether the injections are the cause - but perhaps this sheds light on it not being the injections specifically but the result of a low immunity and/or antibiotic link as well.
Let us know how you go - and if you decide you can push ahead with the school end or decide to take the plunge and home educate.
Linda xx
PS My son is very happy today as the teachers are on strike : )

Hi Cathy

I am so pleased that CAMHS have said no physical force - we have all done it and it's the one thing my son still finds very difficult to forgive me for.

You have done an amazing job in very difficult circumstances so well done you.

I would be happy with the school contacting the EWO as we had alot of help from ours - they are there to help, and again glad that CAMHS will back you up too. Part of my fear was not only my son not being educated and not going to school but the fear of prosecution - if CAMHS back you then you are safe.

I just wonder how many families over the last couple of days are going through the same - lots i bet and there s still a lack of support and understanding from professionals.

Just keep doing your best thats all you can do - will it get better ? i don't know but you will learn to cope.

Stay strong.

Sarah xx

Thank you all, I rang parent partnership up today and they were really pleased Camhs are on my side. She said the EWO around my area are really caring and will try to help. She said it sounded like it would be hard work to get my son back to school.

Strange as it may seem I feel really relaxed, that horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach has gone, I think it is because I don't have to drag my son to school anymore, it was truly terrible especially mixed with the comments and looks of the teachers who gave me no support or help. I know it will get stressful ,probably very stressful but for now it is okay.

I feel sorry for all the families going through this, people really have no idea what it can be like. I am hoping one day I can help others on here but at the moment I know very little and can only offer my sympathy.

Cathy - just being on the forum helps other parents it really does, to know they are not on their own. When i posted a few days ago i forgot about Parent Partnership and they were the ones who really helped me. I think as time goes by i try and block out alot thats happened over the years but i still feel for all you parents going though it all - know one knows like a SR parent.

Stay positive and strong and sending lots of love

Sarah xx

Hi Cathy

How are things going?

Are you getting any help from EWO/School/CAMHS?

Do you think that this is the right school for him (if he were able to go), or are there more specialist schools that may suit him better (although, they may require a statement)? And have you considered applying for a statement - it's a lengthy process, so maybe it's worth starting it off.

Do you know what things about school he is particularly anxious with? I know my son wouldn't really tell us much at all. One thing you could try though is to see if he'll grade things about school on a scale of 1 (bad) to 10 (good), e.g. Going into school, Being in a classroom, Being in playground at break time, Lunch, P.E., Homework etc. When the psychologist did this with my son I was surprised that being in school and in a class wasn't too much of an issue, but playtime, P.E., homework were big issues.

Have you thought about suggesting your son just chooses one lesson that interests him (e.g. ICT, Technology, Science - whatever his favourite thing is) and goes in to visit school just for that lesson. Or maybe he doesn't like any lessons and that is a big issue for him, in which case if he has an interest in something else, maybe you can arrange that he goes in and just goes to a classroom by himself with a teacher and does that activity - e.g. Lego.

Of course it's hard to know whether it's best to try to get them back into school and over the threshold as soon as possible even if it's just for an hour, or whether they really do need to have a complete break from school for a while to get over it before they can start again.

And how are you feeling? Are you managing to cope and stay relaxed? I think sometimes it goes in waves, you relax for a while and then you get to a point where it all gets to you again and the worry starts to get too much.

Sharon

Well the EWO rang today and said that she has had a letter from my son's pead saying he wil be signed off school for a while and have a home tutor. Then they will eventually try to get him back to school very slowly, like for an hour at a time. I can hardly mention school without him getting upet and aggressive or shut down and refuse to speak, I personally think it will be a long time before he goes back. He is going to be re- referred to the autism team as they turned him down last time. Have a TAC tomorrow where I will find out more info.

Thank you Sharon for your last post, my son seems scared of every aspect of school except lunch time or break times as that is his fav part of the day,well that and home time anyway. He says his biggest fear is actually walking through the door but he is scared of not understanding things the most along with 100 other things.

I am okay, I don't feel too worried at the moment, I know that can and will change but I felt 1000 times worse when i was forcing him to school, the fear leading up to the school refusal was worse than now but I have only started this journey so who knows.

Hope everyone is okayish.

Hi Cathy

That's very good. Sounds like things are moving in the right direction. It's going to take time, but it's good that there is a plan to move things forward.

I seem to just be involved in a game of ping-pong between Health & Education!

Sharon

Hi Cathy,

Good luck. Glad you are feeling not quite as stressed. Things might start to move forward now.

And Sharon - my son also has more trouble with recess/lunch/PE and homework. The recess and lunch are more to do with the unpredictable nature of other kids and also if he will feel accepted. PE is self consciousness and the changing into PE uniform and homework - I am still trying to work that one out!

Let us know how things go, Cathy,
Linda