Hi everyone

I haven't posted on here for a long time. My 12 yr old son hadn't been to school at all since the end of Feb this year. He'd started a new school for Yr 7 in Sept 2011, after Oct half term he wouldn't go back and was out of school till the Christmas hols. Found a new school for him in January and we stumbled through till Feb half term, but he wouldn't get up on time and was just going in at whatever time he was ready and we cut out P.E. and homework. His big issue seemed to be worries over the other children asking him where he'd been if he wasn't at school.

He completely altered his sleeping pattern so that he was awake at night time and asleep during the day so couldn't go to school. Over the summer holidays, at last we managed to get his sleeping back to something slightly more normal (although he still wouldn't fall asleep until 12 - 2am) Towards the end of the holidays he said he would try to go back to school, but he was due back a week ago and wouldn't go when it came to it as he was too worried about what the other children would say again.

But, today he has gone to school! I just can't quite believe it and I am terrified that something might go wrong and put him off again.

During this time we've also had a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Which helps to explain his behaviours, but there is not really any support out there from the NHS - CAMHS seem to diagnose and then say that they don't deal with ASD. CAMHS psychologist also didn't think CBT would work with my son, so have not been offered any counselling/therapy to help my son get back to school.

We've also been trying to apply for a Statement of Special Educational Needs - turned down at the first hurdle and had to appeal. Once we put the appeal in the LEA said they would go ahead and assess, so at least didn't have to go to tribunal. So will have to wait see whether they agree to give us a statement or not. Today was the day that the Educational Psychologist was going to see my son - but now that this is his first day back at school, I'm not sure what's going to happen.

Sharon

Thought we were back to square one again this morning. Couldn't get my son up. But eventually I managed to get him into school for lunchtime. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Sharon

Hi Sharon - doing a happy dance with you. I know that feeling of relief when they actually go to school. I was reading your story thinking I was reading my own. Almost identical to my daughter's although her diagnoses was depression and anxiety. She also struggled with fears about what the kids would say to her when she had been away for long periods. She has now been attending school every day for the past 3-4 weeks :-) although it is still really difficult to wake her in the mornings. Her starting time is 8:30am, so we did a staggered start - week 1 10am, week 2 9am and now she is getting there by 8:45am. Thankfully our school is very supportive in that regard and just happy to see her there no matter what time she arrives/leaves. Just before we had our breakthrough, she had a long talk to her psychologist about her fear of telling the other kids why she is away from school a lot. The doctor walked her through it, basically saying just to tell them she had been unwell and if they pressed it, tell them it is personal. As predicted only a couple of kids said anything and when she told them this, they lost interest and that was it.
It seems the medical profession is struggling to deal with school refusal/phobia. The psychiatrist we were seeing long term actually told me that the majority of these kids never go back to school. Perhaps he was right, but we were looking for answers as my daughter really wanted to go back. Mental illness in any form is difficult for people to comprehend unless they have had first hand experience with it. My own sister struggled to understand my struggle with panic attacks in my 20's until she began having them herself some years later. She was so apologetic for not understanding how difficult it is and that you can't just "snap out of it". Some of my closest friends still give me lectures on how I am too soft on my daughter and just need to take everything off her until she goes to school. I have learned to just nod my head and not take it to heart. As frustrating as it is, they just can't understand our battle.
I hope you find some help soon and that your son continues to find the strength to go to school. My daughter is finding every day just that little bit easier. I am so proud of her for not giving up, even when she was so down she wanted to end her own life. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Very happy for you Sharon. What a relief....and yet I can understand how on edge you still feel - that ' will they or won't they?' feeling just eats away at us, doesn't it. I hope your son gains some confidence and keeps going - small steps - all good. And how did he deal with the kids asking where he had been?

And I agree Sandy - no one except us understands what we and our children go through.
My son didn't make it today and it was just torture for both of us. His father was on his way over to take him but then my son said desperately - no - I'll go with mum. I thought it was going to happen. His father was dead against him going in for second lesson - had to go now. I tried - it didn't happen. Tried again for morning tea....then end of morning tea....then....I wish I hadn't spent so long trying but I felt so guilty. I feel like everyone is blaming me for not getting him there. I have tried to brush everyone off over the years because it drives me batty - but sometimes, like today - it just gets to me. Are they all so right - that without the immediate personal experience- they can point their fingers and say the only way for anxiety to disappear is to force your child to school even when they are in this state?
There are days for us that just don't happen - but mostly it does. Is their fear that he will then just never go back? I think he sometimes just needs a day to catch his breath - to re gain confidence - to work through the meltdown. I don't believe we can force our kids in when they are so distraught. It would be awful for us as adults to be forced into a workplace with our eyes red from crying and feeling like having a nervous break down. We wouldn't do it. But we'd try again...hopefully.

I think we just have to just make sure our kids keep trying at least whilst they are. Not sure what I am saying here but it has been a hell of a day!
My mum tried to help me but even she could see that he was just too upset to keep going down that path.
Why can't the experts working with someone like me give us the odd day to feel it is ok. WHy when a day just isn't going to happen do we also have to ride the guilt train? It is this constant stress from outside that I also feel weighs me down - not just the school refusal itself. No one seems happy that my son is mostly getting there - despite still having a lot of days where he can't make it. Isn't it positive that he hasn't stopped altogether?

Sorry -raved on - and Sharon......it was your good day!! Glad you got him there at lunch time today - better than not going at all. It's so hard though, isn't it!!
Take care and hope things keep going well for you. WE have one day left and then two weeks holiday.
Linda

Hi Linda,

I so know how you feel. Our therapist used to ask my son to grade his level of anxiety from 1 to 10. If he felt it was over 7, I was not to try to get him to school no matter how I felt or if he was being honest. She said to push them whilst they are in high anxiety, just makes their fight or flight responses worse and more reactive. So I believe you are doing the right thing. you need to trust your gut instincts.

Thinking of you,

sophyx

Hi Sophy,

Thanks for your support. I wish all the therapists could agree on an approach. I would agree that a 7 is time to step back - that sounds very sound. I wish I could get those around me to see that. The school seems to want 100% attendance and so does everyone else. I would love that - but can't see how we get from where we are to that in the time they seem to be suggesting. With adults facing their fears we seem to have a different approach.

I have recently been told by the new psychologist that my son and my relationship is 'enmeshed'. She just basically said it was too close and we were too effected by each others emotions. I looked it up on the Internet - and it is more than that. But I am not sure how on earth you separate out being 'enmeshed' as psychological problem and dealing with a child who is anxious, especially as a sole parent. I have never had anyone mention this term before. Has anyone else?
Interested to know what the psychologists are all telling everyone.
Linda

Sandy - That is fantastic that your daughter has gone back to school. The mornings are such a struggle - I wish school started later! My son has managed to go the last 2 days though and has arrived at 8.30am. I'm just worried that he'll lose momentum and we won't be able to keep it up. I'm really hoping that he will enjoy being back at school though and the feeling of being 'normal' rather than being at home and not leaving the house.

Linda - I know what you mean about the constant stress from outside weighing us down. It sometimes feels like you can be a bad parent and end up with all kinds of problems with your children, but to have a child who refuses to go to school is the biggest 'no, no' of all! And yet, all we want as parents is for our child to have the best possible chance at a happy life and we are all working so hard to try to help them.

Enjoy the holidays Linda. I hope your son can relax and enjoy the free time.

Sharon