Well, we managed 6 days back at school. Yesterday my son had a cold and didn't go. Today we are back to square one, my son wouldn't get up and get ready for school - I will keep trying.

Sharon

I am going through exactly the same today. My son has been to school for about 10 days and now he is refusing to go and I'm spending all day trying to get him up. It is limiting my life so much as well as his. Like you, I will keep trying and I know how you feel entirely. Hope things improve for us both.

Hi Alexandra

Yes, it's very draining. First task is to get my son out of bed - going backwards and forwards to his bedroom, then when he gets out of bed it''s the task of trying to convince him to go to school, once lunchtime has passed and school has started for the afternoon then there's not much hope.

I hope we both have some luck again soon!

Sharon

Hi All,

I was talking to my daughters tutor today and we were discussing school, one of the things that she told me that maybe useful to all of you is that it is ok for a child to go to school part time. Children who have anxiety (like my daughter) find the pressure too much which is why they can go sometimes and then it all comes to halt. We are slowly working with daughter to integrate her back into school, she hasn't attended any lessons as yet but is working with her tutor in a room at school which is a big improvment however when she does go back we will be telling the school which lessons she will be attending etc and also if there is a subject she really can't do (except Engligh Maths & Science) then she never has to do it again if this helps her return.

It may be worth seeing if your school will accept you kids going in for certain lessons, ones that they feel they can cope with and enjoy, if they know that they don't have to face the whole day or lessons that they struggle in it may help them get back. It takes the pressure away. (my daughter told me one day that she feels under so much pressure).

By the way kids can be referred to Hospital & Home Tuition after missing only 15 days of school. Ask your schools about it. My daughter had missed 5 months of school before we even knew it existed and I am sure she would have been back by now had we known sooner!!!

Sue

Hi Sue

My son's school are being very flexible and they have taken P.E. off his timetable. They would be happy for him to do whatever he can, reduced timetable, shorter days etc. The biggest problem is that he can't cope with the other children asking him questions about where he's been etc. so he doesn't want to do shorter days and appear different. It's a vicious circle!

We can't get home tuition without a consultant's letter saying my son is unfit for school - and we haven't been able to get that.

Sharon

Hi Sharon, that seems strange that you need a consultants letter, unless they have different rules in different counties. It was the tutor who is the senior teacher at our HHTS department that told me that the school do the referring and can do after 15 days. Have you called your local county council and asked. The thing is what our kids are experiencing is exactly what they deal with and from our experience what a difference it is making to our daughter and she is keeping up with her education.

It was other kids asking our daughter questions that has prevented our daughter from going back and still is an issue, however working with HHTS has helped her confidence and self esteem so much that she is getting closer and closer to actually going into a class. At first she wouldn't entertain her tutor going to school with her but now she is up for it as although her tutor will stay in the background she will step in the minute she sees daughter feeling uncomfortable and for her having that safety blanket is a real help. It has taken 5 months to get to this stage (her tutor even came during her holidays) so it is a slow process and her tutor has said it is a slowly slowly approach and daughter has to be in control. Its a year next week since she was last in school.

We have been coming up with ideas of answers she can give the other kids for when she does join a class and the best we have come up with so far is that she has been having her gap year and did they not know that they can have one


Sue

Hi Sharon,

How are things going? Has your son managed to get back to school. It is always harder after illness. One day off for a cold doesn't really work for SR kids - my son always had the whole week off. Seemed to prefer going back on the Monday rather than go back mid way through the week. Even then - always a struggle : (
Good luck.

Seems that all our kids have difficulty in worrying about what they can say as an excuse when other kids ask where they have been. It's a catch 22 situation . If only they wouldn't be away - then they wouldn't have to worry! My son also goes through this agony. He goes through the 'doctors appointment' to ' dentist' to 'not well etc. I try to tell him just to say 'not well' or just shrug your shoulders and keep it simple. But it seems that when he did this - then the kids thought that he had a soft mum who let him stay home whenever he liked and said things like 'so...your mum let you stay home again did she!?'. So the poor kids can't win!
It's all part of their heightened self consciousness too -and the baggage of the anxiety they carry on their shoulders that they don't want anyone else to know about.

Let us know how you go - and you too Alexandra....and anyone else having trouble.
Take care,
Linda

Hi all - i do agree with a part time time table. After my son had refused for 6 months we were given th option of part time and i mean part time.

For the first week he went in at lunch time only, then he dod lunch and afternoon registration, then morning registration lunch and pm registration, then a lesson was introduced, then another etc and we worked towards full time in a 3 month period, my son did it in 6 weeks and was so happy at school. He was so frightened about what other people said but he found that after a couple of days no one mentioned it. The rumours going round school were that my son and i had been involved in a bad car accident ( where did that come from i dont know ) and that he had been on crutches and in plaster so hence unable to go to school !!

It's just a shame that after he returned to the school after the summer holidays his classes were mixed up which meant panic set in and well the rest is history.

I would also recommend asking for a CAF meeting where all professionals involved with SR come together and work out a plan in order to move forward.

I hope this is of some help keep strong and try and smile.

Lots of love

Sar xx

Hi everyone,

I'm struggling at the moment, feel like I've hit a brick wall and don't know quite where to turn. My son hasn't gone back to school - on the 8th day out of school now after him managing to go for 6 days. We had an Educational Psychologist come here on Tues & Wed this week to do some testing with him as part of the statutory assessment for a statement. She said we need help from CAMHS as it's a psychological problem.

Talked to CAMHS psychologist on phone yesterday for half an hour - and of course he says it needs to be dealt with by education/school. He said that it's not a mental health issue and that therapy for children with generalised anxiety is not going to help my son as his anxiety is only on one area of school and is because of his ASD which is a neurodevelopmental condition. He gave some suggestions of how things could be made easier in school. But my biggest difficulty is convincing my son to go back into school and I just don't know how to get over that!

Sue - we have talked to the county and their policy is that we need a consultant's letter for tutoring. We saw a consultant psychiatrist in July but he wouldn't give us the letter because he didn't think that my son would engage with a tutor, especially because his sleep was all over the place and he wanted us to sort out the sleep. My son's sleep is much better now - although far from perfect, but he is at least sleeping overnight every night even if it is midnight - 10am, this is a vast improvement on him being awake all night. He did give us a letter saying that my son was likely to be out of school for a long time, but he wouldn't say that he was medically unfit to go!

Sharon

Sorry to hear how things are, Sharon. Its really tough on you. It sounds like you are being passed from one to the other. I don't think anyone has the right to tell you whether it is a psychological issue or not - it is not as if School Refusal is that well understood. It has to be part psychological - so any help along those lines can only help your son and also perhaps improve his self esteem. What kind of mood is your son in right now? Has he become pretty down? If he has - then that is even more reason why they need to work with him and give you the help you deserve and need.
I know it takes too much energy, given you are worn out already, but if you can fight them on this one then your son might get the help required.
Why did they think your son would not engage with a tutor? How can they make up their minds about that before it has happened?
Thinking of you and hoping you can put the pressure back on them and get some help very soon. Meanwhile - remember you are not alone. And you can come on here any time and rant and rave. Try to do something for yourself in the next day or two that keeps you feeling ok. You are doing all you can and you are a good mum.
Take care,
Linda xx

Hi Sharon,

These people make me so angry, they are supposed to be the experts but have absolutely no idea. As Linda has said how do they know that your son won't engage with a tutor. Daughters tutor has told me that she has had kids who engage straight away others take time, sometimes she can go for weeks and they only engage for 10 minutes but this gets better as they gain trust and working one to one develops their confidence and reduces the anxiety.

As you know my daughter has taken enourmous steps lately but I know that this is not going to be a quick fix but if your son has no one to help him how is he going to get through this. The psychiatrist saying that he won't engage because of his sleep is rubbish. My daughters sleep was also all over the place, not sleeping at all, going to bed in the early hours, not getting up until lunch time if at all, once her tutor started attending the sleep sorted itself out. She actually now sets her alarm for 7 every morning durign the week even though her tutor doesn't come until the afternoon. (Her tutor says that this is her preparing for when she feels she can go back to school) I know from my daughter and I know others will probably agree that she was scared, frustrated, angry and felt under so much pressure, she was lost and didn't now what to do, her tutor has helped her focus again and has helped her believe that she can't help what has happened and although she is still scared and still feels under pressure she is much more relaxed now and is learning slowly to cope with her anxiety.

Her tutor has made it very clear to her school that this is a very slow process and if we rush it we will be back to square one and when we held her review the other week I was surprised when her head of year who is now delighted with her progress said that the main thing that we all have to remember is that daughter has to be in control otherwise she won't get back, at last they understand.

I am at a loss as to where to advise you to go next. You desperatly need someone who understands and is on your sons side who can work with him on a one to one and gain his confidence in order to build his. Hang in there Sharon, don't force him to go to school as this won't solve his problems and will only cause you both distress and don't ever give up hope, it is all we have to hold onto.

Sue

Hi

Couldn't believe it when I read your blog. My son's school have offered exactly the same - taking PE off his timetable (a subject that has caused him immense distress all through school), reducing his timetable to give him time to catch up on work he has missed, not having to attend form periods, etc. But he is worried about what the other boys will say just like your son. Other people's opinions of him seem to be so important! I don't know how old your son is - mine is 15 and this is his last year we are so worried that he isn't going to make it back and the longer it goes on the harder it will be. People keep telling me it's not the end of the world if he doesn't take his exams this year and I know in my head this it true, but my heart tells me another story and I worry so much for his future.

We should have done something about his anxiety a long time ago and I beat myself up that we have left it to this vulnerable time in his life. We love him so much it is breaking my heart.

I am so glad I found this forum..My 15 year old daughter has been refusing to attend school on and off for almost 2 years now. She insists there is no bullying going on, she just cannot bear to be in a classroom with her yeargroup. She is now in year 11.I work at the school and I totally understand that she can't bear it, the atmosphere is very unpleasant, the school was built for 300 pupils in 1956, and the corridors are far too small for the 900 pupils that are there now. She sat her first batch of exams last summer and did really well. She has suffered a lot with anxiety and also self harm, but after attending counselling sessions with the local CAMHS team things were looking up. She started to attend a few lessons at the beginning of the new term but now we are back to square one. I can't even mention school or homework now without her getting totally anxious and upset. She is very bright and it is really difficult for me to see her suffer like this. She doesn't want to interact with her friends, she has no social life, and would quite happily stay at home forever. The school has been very good, they allowed her to work outside the classroom, but now she doesn't want to go to school at all again. I am so glad to see that I am not alone with this. Thank you.

Hi Maria

It is so good to hear from someone who has a child the same age as mine. It sounds as though your daughter is very much like my son - no social life, extremely anxious, low self esteem, etc. I daren't mention school or work either at the moment because of the reaction I get. Made the mistake of suggesting school on a part time basis yesterday and it took all day for me to calm him down and reassure him!

How do you feel about your daughter's GCSE's? Are you panicking like we are about whether she will miss too much work to catch up? I woke up this morning thinking I wasn't going to stress about it - what will be will be and it won't be the end of the world if he doesn't achieve as many qualifications as I know he is capable of, but I can't help but worry. I go round in circles in my mind trying to convince myself that everything will be OK. We have even spoken to the school about the possibility of him taking his exams at home and they have reassured us that even this is possible! I am now considering reducing my working hours so that I can try to help and encourage him with his work.

Does your daughter take any medication at all? Our doctor was very keen for our son to start taking medication but 5 weeks down the line I can't see much improvement! Our son is so anxious he finds it difficult to leave the house nevermind go to school! He has just walked the dog with me but we had to drive to somewhere quiet first.

It's good to talk to someone who knows how we feel.

Take care x

Welcome to the site, Maria. So glad you found us. It must be so stressful for you. Everyone on here has similar stories to tell. Lots of support and advice from this forum is what has kept me going!

My son is 13 but we have been going through this for years. I didn't get him there today and I didn't push and push until he broke down (which is what his father (my ex) seems to think I should do). I was firm....I said 'No - you are not staying home.' But you know the morning scenario....and I just could tell (there were tears already) that it just wasn't going to happen. I have been told, however, by the current psychologist, that I just have to keep getting him there every single day no matter what it takes. I am sure as you know....this means stress levels beyond what we or our child can take. Unless you are there like we are - they have no idea.

You mention that your daughter is bright -a lot of parents on here have mentioned that. I find that interesting and perhaps our kids as a result 'over think' things. My son did not have bullying either - but this year keeps saying his friends are teasing him - some of which could lead to bullying. I think because he is feeling so vulnerable - he looks vulnerable - the way he holds himself- won't cut his hair etc. And yet kids basically like him and always have - but he can't see that. Your daughter's anxiety and teenage hormones might have joined together to make it worse? Being self conscious is hard at the best of times but when you have anxiety as well - it is really tough.

Have you been in touch with Parent partnership? Sarah on here always recommends them as they seem to be a great support. You can find your local branch from their website:
http://www.parentpartnership.org.uk/

Sorry I don't have any magic answer but there are lots of hope stories on here - sons and daughters who have made it through - sat exams - and got through to college. So no matter what road your daughter takes and no matter how rocky -she will find something in the end. You are doing all you can.
Take care,
Linda