I am so pleased to have found a support forum for parents of children who become school refusers. Validation, understanding and support from others who have also been or are where you are is invaluable and until now I have not managed to find it. Forgive me if this is a long intro post, writing it out is so helpful and knowing it will be understood makes it easy to get all the hurt and frustration out. The word daughter is going to be used a lot in my post so I will abbreviate it to d.

Our family's story started just over two years ago when my youngest d started secondary school. She did have some vulnerabilities at the time having just had swine flu and some dad issues (we separated when she was a baby) but she had been happy during primary school with no friendship issues. We live in a very small community with limited school choices and I chose a private all girls school for both my d's because the school promoted themselves as a caring and nurturing environment. It was a Catholic school and although we are not Catholic ourselves, I believed that good values and morals would be encouraged and as a single parent I could do with the added support. I also misguidedly believed that if I was paying for it, my d's would be better protected from schoolyard bullying. My eldest (d1) experienced some bullying in primary school but had a successful year 7 at the school and so I had no warning of what lay in store for my youngest d.

At the beginning of year 7 d2 reconnected with a girl she had attended reception class and year 1 of primary school with but it soon became clear that this girl had some emotional issues and behavioural problems. On a sleep-over at our house where a family friend's daughter also stayed, the girl became jealous and made attempts to sabotage the other girl's stay by twice hiding her own mobile phone, saying it had been stolen with the insinuation that someone in our house had taken it. First time I found the phone hidden underneath the back seats of our 7 seater jeep. Second time I did not find it until after the girl had gone home in tears and drama about her missing phone which later turned up wedged underneath a microwave on the top floor of our house.

D2 chose to distance from the girl at school but it wasn't taken well, her next stunt was to bite down hard on her own hand in front of my d during class, she then went to another girl and showed her the bite marks saying that my d had done that to her. The next incident was physical where the girl pulled my d to the floor (in the guise of playing a game), she then kicked her head and then blamed the kick on another student. At this point, I was very concerned and scheduled a meeting with the class mentor. The girl's parent's were called in and the overt behaviours stopped, I hoped this would be the end of it.

It then became clear how manipulative the girl was, whenever she had the opportunity she would make shaming comments to my d, things like 'panda face' and 'greasy head' or she would 'woof' at her or knock into her as if by accident sometimes tripping her in the corridor. She whispered and giggled to others within earshot and would put d2 down in front of peers with dirty looks or calling her mentally slow. D2 became quite low at this point and I decided to write to the head teacher asking for his support to resolve the problem. He did not respond to me directly and the matter passed to the head of year group who assured me the matter would be addressed.

At the beginning of year 8 after persistent bullying, I finally managed to have d2 moved to a new mentor group and removed from shared classes with the girl, although for maths and science they remained in the same group. The girl's methods then took an even more covert tack and she began to sabotage any close friendships my d had or was trying to establish, sometimes charming friends away or by turning them against d2. D2 was invited to less and less parties and out of school meet up's or sleepovers. This increased throughout yr 8 until a group of girls d2 had considered friends started to tease her about a boy and write his name over her locker, books and other belongings, they also posted a lewd message on facebook about her wanting to f**k the boy, but it was removed before I got a chance to get a screenshot. The morning after the posting D2 was too distressed to go into school and she received a text from a friend's mobile phone saying 'C**thole'. We learned later the main aggressor had sent this during the school assembly when it became apparent d2 was not coming in to school.

At around the same time, the main aggressor put up a photograph of herself and my d from their earlier connection as her facebook profile picture and other girls made jokes about it and liked the comments. My d was devastated that her 'friends' were joining in, she was sleeping and eating very little, she became more withdrawn and was having regular panic attacks. At this point, It became very difficult to get d2 into school and I tried to move her to another private girls school where she had a close friend. Unfortunately they insisted on her passing an entry paper but due to her anxiety and panic attacks she was unable to sit the exam and had to return to the convent school.

D2 managed to get through school until February half-term, she was very low and regularly told me nobody liked her and she wished she was dead. Meanwhile her main aggressor continued with put downs and influencing others in the peer group. I took her to our GP who was very supportive and referred her to CAMHS but sadly she was allocated a psyche nurse with a very curt and cold manner who suggested in weeks to come d2 stand at the bottom of the school hill while all the students came past her and being able to cope with that - needless to say it terrified d2 and she refused to see this woman again. By coincidence the deputy head had a friend who was a psyche nurse on this team - of course I can't prove this lady was the friend but I have strong suspicions that it was (small communities!). By this time I was regularly in contact with the Deputy head and it became clear that nothing further was going to be done to set limits or consequences with the main aggressor or introduce more effective relational education at the school. The behaviours were normalised as usual teen behaviour and I was told that unless I could get more proof (I already had various screenshots, defaced belongings and the text message) then nothing could be done.

D2 was now unable to attend mainstream lessons and was mostly isolated in a learning support area where she had a tutor allocated for 3 hours a week. Her fear and phobia of school increased and it became impossible to get her in, she was not sleeping or eating very much and she withdrew from everyone including family. It was now 18 months since the bullying began and I was very worried that she may self harm or attempt suicide. With support of our GP I took d2 out of the school. On telling this decision to the deputy head, I was told there were contributing factors to our family situation and my d's sensitivity and that she needed to learn resiliance.

I could not believe the depth of the school's denial about relational aggression in their school or their unwillingness tackle it. (D1 had also experienced poor treatment at the school during years 8 and 9 there and thankfully she passed the entry exam to a public 14+ school where she is now very happy). D2's aggressor remains at the school even after stealing school property and having a fist fight with another troubled student (with only a two day suspension being given for the latter). She is also well known to students, parents and teachers as disruptive, rude and attention seeking during classes and out of school. A friend of mine who is a teacher at the school told me that two of her colleagues complained of being intimidated by this girl but felt nothing was going to be done about her behaviour.

Getting d2 out of such a toxic environment, I thought the nightmare would end but a new one began - communicating with education personnel & child psyches in order to find a place in a public school for d2 to start this September.

I will continue the story in future posts as I am aware how long my intro is already. Currently D2 is refusing to attend her new school. Thanks for letting me vent it out, it really helps and I look forward to aquainting myself with the experiences of other parents here on the forum.

Clarity

Clarity

If you can - remove her from school to home educate. My twin girls went through very much the same thing - but their misery lasted 3+ years! The perpertrator had a teacher for a father and an unbalanced mother. My god the damage that girl, her mother and their head of year inflicted on my daughters has been immeasurable. They were precisely like your daughter having complete changes of personality. They still aren't as they should be having no trust in people and even shutting off from their family. Thankfully they are recovering and have been home since end of June. My heart goes out to you and your daughter and I read your account with tears in my eyes. Try to read the thread 'light at the end of tunnel' - it may give you some hope. Much love xxx

Al thank you so much for your compassionate response. I am so sorry that you have faced similar circumstances for both your daughters. Did they find they were able to support each other in any way being twins with the same experiences?

Home schooling isn't an option in my location - British isles but not under uk regs and it isn't supported here.

Her new school has an excellent learning support facility and with a bit more education (from me to school personnel!!) I think we will get there eventually. They are very well intentioned just so unaware of dynamics of longterm bullying and the psychological damage it can cause - of course there is pressure on everyone's heads from somewhere above them in the system to get this child back in school and tick all the boxes.

Nightmare stuff, but for every child in this world who has lost their life to bullying and everyone who has been injured by it, I will spend the rest of my life raising awareness. What a relief to find this support forum today I am very grateful to whoever set it up.

I'm glad your daughters' situation is improving since being at home.

I look forward to reading 'Light at the end of the Tunnel'

Hi Clarity,

So sorry to hear all you and your daughter have been through. It has been an awful time for you and my heart goes out to you after reading your post. It is just so hard to understand how these things can be happening and the school seem unable to do anything. And yet there are other stories on the forum about bullying too.
I have not had much in the way of bullying happening with my son - but with his lack of self esteem and withdrawing when at school because of his anxiety - he has been teased/bullied. It was enough for me to report it to the Year level coordinator but i was told that unless my son reported a complaint, then nothing could be done.
What they don't understand is victims of bullying are never able to report it (except for those who are very courageous and have some dignity and fight left). This generally does not include children, nor many in the workforce!

Small steps to help your daughter build up her trust is all I can suggest -which I am sure you are doing. The school - the education will come in some form. I hope you can get through to those at the new school better and find your way in with support eventually. Meanwhile - take care of yourself and your daughter - and see if you can find a psychologist who can work directly with your daughter to build up her trust again.
I think it is too easy for schools and authorities to point their finger at sole parents and turn their back on the real issue. We might be having a harder time of it - but not everyone with school refusal is a sole parent!
And we can thank Simon who was the wonderful person who set this site up a few years ago when he was having difficulties with his own daughter and school refusal. It has been a life saver for many of us.
Feel free to come on here any time and rant and rave - we all understand how things are and what you are going through. You are not alone.
Take care,
Linda xx

Hi Linda

Thanks for your warm words of welcome, support and encouragement.

I just wrote out a response and lost it when I hit publish! So I will just say a big thanks to Simon for setting up such a great place of respite and that I look forward to learning more about and from the experiences of the parents of school refusing children here. My heart goes out to you all.

Thanks again CB