Hi everyone,

Just feeling really nervous because school starts back here tomorrow. My son is pretty down and is very stressed. I feel sick in the stomach myself. He hasn't gone out much or mixed with anyone during these holidays. He just closed down and withdrew. The friend he had at school is still overseas on holidays and will be all term. So my son feels he has no one to go back to. I think we have just been unfortunate to have had this going on for the past 7 years and this year is no different. I keep feeling that my son has lost his childhood to this anxiety. It has controlled him in almost everything he does.

If only we didn't also have to deal with this overload of technology - maybe something else would take its place - but maybe we'd also have more things we could encourage to help self esteem. Computer games do not seem to build self esteem - they just encourage competitiveness and obsession and allow a temporary escape for anxiety. Hesitant to switch the power off today because I know he is feeling very vulnerable - but perhaps I am doing the wrong thing - perhaps he should be facing and discussing his fears today so that tomorrow morning is not such a shock?
Sorry for raving on....
Anyway - thinking of everyone else out there having trouble. We just have to hang in there : )
Linda

Hi Linda,
I'm thinking of you. Hope things go ok for tomorrow. We have just been sent a letter of preliminary registration to homeschool from the Home Ed Unit so I don't have to worry about getting my daughter to school tomorrow but still have that uneasy feeling of "will everything be alright?". My daughter hasn't seen any kids her own age these holidays. We did invite some over but they were sick so couldn't come. But we have been fairly busy going out every day and seeing people and having a lot of family visits. I have enrolled her in tennis lessons starting next week so I hope that goes o.k. My husband and I decided to hopefully start her in a new school next year. She agrees with this. It may be o.k, or it may be that much harder but it has been an extreme struggle all year and nothing has helped. She feels better that she is not being forced to school and has agreed to start facing some of her other fears. We had a meeting with the psychologist and a new psychiatrist last week. He didn't think medication was necessary - yet. They both advised us to enroll her back into school now, but both hubby and I said no, we will try again next year, we feel she has been traumatised enough! The psychiatrist told her instead of going step by step to school she could "just go". Yeah right it's that easy isn't it?

Dear Linda,

I really feel for you and wish I could wave a magic wand and make it OK. Try and stay calm and remember it is a rollercoaster ride. You have both done so well and it will be OK in the end. Do try and check out the cranium osteopathy, my son had another session last week and he is soooo much calmer and sleeping really well. Twice last week, I went upstairs to drag him off the X box and tell him to go to bed and he was already fast asleep. Could not believe it. Interestingly, the osteopath said he could tell he needed to treat me!!

Melanie, It looks like you are taking the path I took. I deregistered my son from school when he was just 13 as the whole family just could not take the stress any more and we all needed time to heal. My son was at home for 18 months and it was not easy. Some days he would see his tutor and others, he just wouldn't get out of bed. He wouldn't leave the house during school hours but he did keep up with his football and I made sure he kept his social life going. Alot of the 'professionals' told me that it was very rare that once a child is taken out of school, that they go back but we felt this was a risk we had to take. We paid to see a private therapist who has alot of experience with SR and she always said that he would be alright in the end and will get an education but only when he is ready. My son has now been at his new school for 4 weeks, he even managed it with a nasty cold last week. He said to me the other day that 'he just wasn't scared anymore'. So, I know it is still early days but I do believe you have to follow your gut instinct. We know our children better than anyone else.

sophyx

Thanks Sophy, that gives me so much hope! The Osteo therapy sounds interesting too

Linda

I really feel for you, R commented on numerous occasions about his childhood, it broke my heart, even now he wont talk about it, it's a part of his life that he wants to forget, I look at him now and see the confident young man he has become, when he went to sit his driving test on friday, there was no doubt in his mind that he would pass, he has come a long way since school, I know you are going through a nightmare at the moment but things will improve.

I always felt with R in the past that no matter how much we talked about school and how he was feeling about it, it didn't make adifference on the morning of school.

You are in my thoughts a lot,

Take care
Dorothy x

Hi

Thanks everyone for your support - much appreciated.
My son went in to school today - very withdrawn - but no meltdown (terribly anxious night beforehand and didn't get to sleep until 1am). But when I picked him up after school he was just so angry. Says he hates school, hates me, hates life and hates himself.
But he won't talk with me. He won't do anything to ease the pain he is feeling. He won't engage with me at all. Basically he has shut everyone out. His whole body language is of a kid that feels very low. It worries me. I just don't know how to help his self esteem at the moment because it is so low. I just have to hope that today was the worst for the week and maybe the week will get better. It is just so draining!!
HOpe everyone else is going along ok- those of you struggling - hope there is a good day coming up.
Linda

My son went to school again but his dad took him. We now have a plan that his dad takes him two days a week to take the pressure off me. But late last night I was beginning to think it wasn't worth it - as I was still getting all the pressure. My son was all worked up about going in - and getting taken by his dad.
But a late night phone call from his father seemed to calm him. I asked him how his father managed to calm him and he said that he spoke to him differently, he didn't get angry with him and just explained things in a straight forward manner. I thought that was interesting and have made a note to myself to really pull back from my daily frustration again! I know I have said to others on this forum - by accepting where your children are at is a great step forward. Perhaps I have slipped back into wanting everything to be perfect again - not sure. I seem to have pressures from all sides so get agitated easily about the whole situation.

We have also started daylight saving here and so lost an hour. This hasn't help my son who looks like a sleep walking zombie!! He already had lack of sleep.
Good luck to everyone else - we are doing all we can : )
Linda

Hi honey - sorry not been on here for a while, but i still think of you all and what you are going through. Well done to your son, and remember don't take it personally when your son is in a mood it's just his way of coping. Interesting you said he was calm when he spoke to his Father, maybe or there again i may be totally wrong but your son may not feel close enough or trust his Father enough to open up to him the way he does to you ?

Take a step back Linda and remember the golden rules - take one day at a time, you know you are a great Mum and keep supporting your son.

Take care and e mail me if you need me.

Lots of love Sarah xx

PS hi Dorothy - good to hear R is well xx

hi Sarah,

Thanks for your support. You have been through so much yourself - you know exactly how we are feeling.

You are right in regard to the closeness with me as apposed to his father. I think sometimes though that a certain distance does help when you are feeling vulnerable and anxious. You know yourself that you can pull yourself together somewhat if you are talking to someone who is a bit distant but as soon as a good friend comes up and puts their arm around you...well...the tears can flow. So I guess it's a bit of that - neither better than the other but one can work better in the circumstances.

His father has taken him Tues - Thurs and it has taken the pressure off me. After a bad time Monday - he has been calmer when I have picked him up (I did stress that he had to live in the moment and not take the day out on me) and he has promised not to get so angry. Stupid me then lost the plot last night over bed times again (oh well - pressure might be off but I am still frazzled and going to get some counselling to help my stress levels).
This morning could have been a tricky one. No smile on my son's face....looking half dead....not getting up....so to have his dad turn up and be able to joke him into getting up was a relief - and he went : )
I always just ended up getting annoyed on mornings like this, even if I started out as calm as possible - so looking back - that hasn't helped - but we are all tied up in what we want and what is expected and what others expect and how we feel at the time.

Regarding the enmeshed word I threw out there in another post. If the term wasn't a psychological term used to describe a certain relationship between parent and child - I would definitely say I was emotionally enmeshed as it is word that seems to describe being all tied up with the whole roller coaster ride.

Are you feeling much calmer yourself now, Sarah? Is it easier going to work?
Hope you and your family are all well -
take care,
Linda xx

Hi Linda,

Just wanted to say you are only human and you are doing a GREAT job. Always there for everyone else and going through so much yourself. You and your son will be fine, you have done so well to get this far and even after your son having had a bad monday and missing his friend, he has still gone in. So well done.

Thank you for always being there!

Sophy x

Hi Linda

I hope things are looking up for your son as the week goes on?

It's good that his dad is on board to support him too but you are the one who takes the main strain and weight of it all, perhaps your son shows his vulnerabilities to you more so than he would his dad. My girls are like that (their dad has re-married and they have a young half sister) they don't show him their 'stuff' only me, because I am the primary parent figure in their lives.

It is so stressful for the primary parent in this type of situation, we are trying to support our children as well as keep authorities happy, work and run our households etc - we are not superhuman and at times things give and stress and frustration comes out.

I have restarted sessions with my counsellor again, it is good to have a place to verbally vent as well as here. She will help me to get all the stress out and the stuff I do need in my head all straight. I contacted our local parenting support centre and they have referred me for head and shoulder massage and relaxation sessions, I am really looking forward to that!

I hope you are finding some time for yourself in all of this.

Hugs to you, Clarity

Hi Linda

Yes i have to say i am much calmer now - it will get easier i promise. We are all good exccept Dad now has Parkinsons to add to his troubles bless him but he still remains cheerful -Mum and Dad celebrating 55 years married today !!

Oh you do bring back memories for me - the promise to stay calm in a morning well that was always short lived, and the stress it brings on parents is horrendous.

Work is fine but i have now freed up time to help set up a youth club for the local area as i feel this is something missing for the teenagers especially the ones who don't have much and focusing on some charity work for youngsters.

Son no 2 is continuing to do well at school, although we have ATTITUDE - he's now 13.5 and knows it all. I did feel as though he was a little too spoilt whilst his brother was having problems i over compensated and i am now suffering the consequences !! He has only once threatened not to go to school if he didn't get his own way, where as before it was quite a regular threat !!

You parents need to look after yourselves you really do - accept this is the situation and try and not get too stessed - easier said than done as i was the world's worst and it made me quite poorly.

You are obviously fantastic parents, if you weren't you wouldn't be looking to help your children.

My psycologist once said to me that i was focusing on the negatives and forgot about the positives - make yourselves a list of the 2 and you will see there are just as many positives if not more !!

Hugs to all

Sarah xx

Thanks Sophy, Sarah and Clarity. Your kind words are very helpful.
Not so good to hear about your dad, Sarah - but hey - 55 years....amazing!! HOpe you all have a lovely celebration. Very good of you to be thinking of things to help out the local youth - more of that is needed.
Well done.

My son went every day this week : ) My ex took him on 3 mornings. But by yesterday he was getting angry and tired and not wanting to get out of bed.
He has begged me to pick him up at lunch time today (either that or he refused to go in at all and there were tears last night). He has to give a talk today - so the fact that he got there is a real effort and I am proud of him. Others might say I am too soft but as the parents (and in my case the primary carer) I think we are the first to recognise when effort has been genuinely put in and when our kids are just plain worn out and forcing them would make it worse. I feel like all eyes are on me, expecting me to just keep on getting him there day in day out.

The thing I don't like with the 'help' we are getting at the moment, and the school's attitude - is that he has to go EVERY DAY ALL DAY. And if he doesn't then I am made to feel like I have not tried hard enough and he is made to feel like he just 'tried it on'. I can't believe that after all this time we have not progressed much on the attitude from others. So we end up just not telling anyone about a half day - although the school obviously records it and it will come out later - but I'll have to deal with the frowns then.
My son also has quite a bit of 'attitude' now that he is 13 - so instead of things running smoother as I had hoped after all this time - the road has got a bit rockier in some respects.
He hates recess and lunch. He worries he might get teased or made fun of about something (he is hyper sensitive about everything these days). When you are feeling anxious generally I guess that is what happens. I seem to be the only one who knows how he feels. The attitude still coming across to me is 'he just has to do it'. I think they just hope that if he goes every day eventually he will just keep on going. I think that it will take his change of attitude to make that happen and he is not quite there yet.

Good luck to everyone. I will be here for anyone who is suffering!
Take care and hope your meeting goes well, Clarity - and hope everyone has a good weekend.
Linda xx

Our situations are very similar Linda, my d is 14 at Christmas, she also has teenage attitude to add to the mix. The unrealistic expectations from school personnel on me are similar to your experiences too.

The meeting went ok today but on the professional's terms of course, which is d should be in school, back in routine asap with a brief spell in learning support and cbt/gradual exposure techniques with the SC. I am to maintain a stance of 'tough love' and create an atmosphere of positivity and moving forward in the home. The fact that a friend of mine is staying with us after being made redundant was also brought into the mix! Talk about feeling scrutinised! That is absolutely none of their business - SC was asking d questions about home life yesterday. When I asked the clinical child psyche about the possibility of medication if these strategies did not work, it was made clear that this was not a route they would like to go down.

I returned home to try and get d into school to at least meet with the SC and prep for Monday. Not a chance, duvet over her head today with attitude and hands over ears. Tough love is all well and good, but I know as you do that forcing our children into uniform and school does not do any favours for anyone involved. I gave up and left her to her duvet to get on with a backlog of business and chores.

I'm so tired of this situation but if that's the way they want to play it, I can have her in school, I can leave and they will be left to deal with her distress while she is there - of course I will get it much worse when she comes home and the next day will be even harder to get her in. Unless there is a school psyche who has been through this nightmare themselves, they haven't got a clue!

Hi

I have just discovered this site this morning. I have a 15 year old son who hasn't been back to school since the start of term at the beginning of September. He had numerous days off last year and when he did go it was always a battle with lots of shouting, etc, to get him there on time.

I realise now that it is anxiety that is causing his refusal. He will not leave the house and doesn't socialise with anyone his own age accept on line. He spends all day on his computer. He has been prescribed anti-depressants and we have an appointment with a child pyschiatrist later in the month - if we can get him to go.

We are so worried about his future, GCSE's etc. According to the school he was a guaranteed A/A* pupil. It seems such a waste! I think some of the problem was that he went to an all boys grammar school and he much prefers the company of girls!

I know that his well being is the most important thing at the moment but we are constantly worried about his future. We have an older son who is totally the opposite - lots of friends and a great social life. Our lives seem to be on hold as I want to be here for my son as much as possible. Some days he will sit and talk to me but other days he just shuts himself off in his room. School have sent work home for him but he seems unable to work up the enthusiasm to do it. The doctor says not to stress him out by making a big deal of the school work at the moment but we feel time is ticking away for him and he is missing so much.

Hi Clarity

I can hear your frustration. Tough love indeed. They have no idea. They seem to give advice as if we are dealing with a 'naughty' child but we are in fact dealing with numerous issues that arise from the anxiety. Anxiety is very complex and quite scary for our kids. They don't seem to understand that the kids are just as confused as us. When my son says 'I just wish I didn't have this and was 'normal' it really hits me deep inside.

Your description of your daughter reminds me of some very early posts on this site when it was first set up - and discussion about what someone called ' duvet days' when you just know you are not going to be able to get your child up and out. It was said back then that in fact some duvet days were ok as they seemed to be allowing a recharging of the batteries. Like you though -I just worry that one day will turn into many.

Did you say your daughter was still communicating with friend/s? Socialising with others seems to be so important in keeping that link with the outside world. What about sleep? Are you also having trouble ensuring your daughter gets the right amount of sleep? My son's sleep pattern seems to be totally up the creek (as we say down here) and he says he hates going to sleep because then morning will come ....and school.

Anyway - you have had the meeting and you survived it. I think the other expectation coming from others, including the school, is that as sole parents we are expected to always put in 100%. We can't. That is where sometimes we might be inconsistent in some things but in fact we have probably put in our 100% worth by 8.30 in the morning trying to get them to school!!

Has your daughter actually been diagnosed with anxiety or are they just dealing with it in terms of paste bullying with no real reference as to where she might need specific help to re build her self esteem? Let us know how you are going, feeling, after the weekend. Take some time out for yourself if you can.
Take care,
Linda xx

Hi Kathy,

Welcome to the site! So glad you found us. Everyone on here understand what you are going through and are very supportive and have some really good advice.

Your son sounds like my son - stuck on the computer- which according to my son 'shuts out the anxiety so he doesn't have to deal with it.' Not at all helpful - but hard to get through to them, isn't it.
How long has he been taking the anti depressants? Have you noticed any benefit? I understand that sometimes it can take changing from different sorts to actually get the right one that works (also without too many side effects). Sometimes they can take the edge off the anxiety -and if the psychiatrist can work with cognitive behaviour with him - he might be able to start moving forward.

Does your son recognise that he has the anxiety or is he just pretending it isn't there or the world's fault etc? I found my son started to get a bit better at going when he finally accepted he had anxiety but that doesn't always mean he recognises when his behaviour is the anxiety. My son has been told to 'talk' to the anxiety and tell it to go away like you might a person but sometimes the anxiety just comes on so overwhelming that he resorts, like your son, to the anger and shouting and no one gets anywhere!
Is he also afraid of what others might think or ask if he has been away? Sometimes that seems a problem in making them not want to go back once they have had time off - so a vicious circle. Somehow we have to get through to them that 'it does not matter' but to them it matters very much. I also get the feeling with my son that he thinks everyone is watching him (so great is his self consciousness) and that they can almost read his thoughts as if they are written all over the outside of his body. Makes him feel vulnerable and so brushing off questions about 'where were you?' from other kids is almost impossible.

Are you getting any support from CAMHS? What help is the school offering? Perhaps your son can go back for certain subjects or part of the day? What about tutors?

And Kathy - it doesn't seem to matter what school they go to. And it does seem that School Refusal and being bright does go hand in hand too. But then marks start to drop when they miss school and like your son, when my son is home, it is impossible to get him to do the work.
I also try strict rules with the computer but then sometimes it is the only thing he finds solace in. Fine line to travel with the technology. It is not always helpful but then sometimes for anxiety allows them to block it out for awhile at least (they can't face it every minute of the day) and also allows them to have some social interaction even if not face to face.

Hang in there. You are doing all you can. See how the psychiatrist goes. Sometimes it takes more than one psychologist or psychiatrist before they click.
I'd see if you can get the school to help more - they really need to be finding ways to help you move forward and get some assistance.
And Sarah on here always recommends getting in touch with Parent Partnership as they were a great support for her.
Stay in touch and feel free to rang and rave or just chat....there will always be someone on here who can offer support or advice.
Linda

Thanks Linda - its just good to know that you're not alone because it really feels like it sometimes.

My son is aware of his anxiety - he has done lots of research on the internet (not sure if this is good or bad) and seems to think he has General Anxiety Disorder although we will wait to see what the psychiatrist says. It has gradually got worse and worse so that now he is almost unable to leave the house. When I mentioned going back to school on a part time basis he went ballistic and became very angry. After a while he then becomes upset crying and saying he is never going to be able to do anything with his life. It's heartbreaking.

School have been really good and they are prepared to carry on sending his work home and are even prepared to let him take his exams at home if necessary. If I know he will not make it back to school we can try to put actions in place to get him through his exams. We still cling on to the hope he will get back to school but I have to be honest with myself and accept that it's unlikely. The problem is my husband is adamant he needs to get back and is constantly reminding me about the work our son is missing, etc, which puts pressure on our relationship too. I am trying to go along with the doctor's advice of not stressing him out about school at the moment until he is in a better frame of mind, but the weeks are going by all too quickly! I feel as though I am not being a great parent by letting him do nothing, but on the other hand I know that by emphasising the fact that he is falling behind isn't helping his anxiety. It's a vicious circle!

I also let him spend too much time on his computer (all his time to tell the truth) but I feel this is his only lifeline and sometimes I will hear him laughing and talking to people on there and I am just glad to hear his laughter!

He has been taking his tablets for about six weeks now but the proper dose for only about two weeks. I was hoping for some improvement by now but I see the doctor next week so will ask her advice then.

Thanks for taking the time to read this xx

Hi Kathy,

Sounds like my son. And it is just so hard to know what is the right way of talking about this with them. My ex has a similar attitude to your husband - so I know how the tension can build up and we are left feeling guilty as we seem to want to step back more and let our child's mental health recover. I have been told that by making my son go - it will get worse before it gets better - I am just hoping and hoping that is the case, otherwise this awful stress on both of us is just too much.

Sometimes they say it takes about 4-6 weeks for anti depressants to kick in - so it might still take a bit more time. A friend of mine who has a son with SR who was on medication had to find the right medication first and then it seemed to give him the confidence to take steps forward, slowly at first, and finally he was able to go back to school full time. He still has days where he feels he cannot face it, but there are not very many (he is now 16). So there is hope :)

Like you, I also hear my son laughing on the computer and it makes such a change from his anger and frustration and negative thoughts about life that I also let him stay on much longer than I should. It don't think it is like dealing with other kids and computer usage where you can lay down the rules and also not let them on unless they do this or that. Our kids are in a different place in regard to this and whether or not we are doing the right thing is very hard to tell. We just do what we think is ok or right at the time.
Let us know how you go at the doctor's next week. Did you say your son has or had friends at school? Is he making any effort to stay in touch with them?
He is probably right with his diagnosis - well researched! My son was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder but it has changed or evolved or been a combination all the time also of separation anxiety (from his comfort zone of home) and social anxiety. So the fact that your son is staying home and doesn't want to leave the house points to the others as well.
I don't have the great positive return to school story - but my son is mostly going to school these days (with a joint effort in taking him from his father and myself). But as he gets older and stronger and more stubborn - this may change again.
It is a roller coaster ride, isn't it. And very stressful for all the family. Try and keep something going for yourself in all of this - time out - a hobby - catching up with friends and family.
Take care,
Linda xx

Thanks Linda

My daughter does have some close friendships and during term time sees them once every few weeks. I tried so hard to get her into the same school with 3 of them but not a chance. It's me who makes the arrangements for her to see these friends though, d would just let time run on without contact if I allowed it. Sleep deprivation and lack of nutrition are her tools of manipulation as this clearly affects her health and her ability to get in or perform at school.

She hasn't been diagnosed with anything. 18 months of targeted bullying to the point she didn't want to live anymore and they fail to see she is still traumatised from this horrible experience. My anti-bullying counsellor has recommended a terrific teen therapist at Brooke Centre and once d is a bit more integrated at school (I can't be seen to interfere with school counsellor's program) then I am going to make an appointment for her.

From my own experience of trauma recovery, it isn't pleasant to re-visit the pain but validation that what a target went through was not any fault of their own is vital before a recognition of having already survived it hits home. Only then is it possible to undo negative false concepts created because of the abuse and build up authentic confidence and self-esteem in their place.