My daughter has been refusing her new school and her anxiety symtoms are currently through the roof whenever she goes near the school premises or has to meet with any school personnel.

A MAST meeting has been set up by the EWO for Friday morning to be held at the school. Attending will be CAMHS psyche, Education psyche, someone else from education, the EWO, the school counsellor and me. All women, a couple of them with teenage daughters.

I plan to go in there prepared. A brief and factual overview of what I feel to be the cause of my daughter's school phobia (18 months of severe bullying), contributing factors (she had swine flu and dad issues before bullying occurred, single parent family no extended family nearby etc) and a list of all the avenues that have been tried to support her this far. I have a couple of relevant articles on topics of fear in relation to SR and the effects of longterm relational aggression amongst teen girls. I also have suggestions made by the Director of Education at Red Balloon with his contact details to pass on.

I haven't been to a large meeting like this before with all these professionals, I don't know if going in that prepared will go in my favour or not. I communicate well in writing but in face to face situations like that my own anxiety is likely to trigger and no matter how mentally prepared I am to express it verbally, it will all go out of my head.

My feeling is that as my d's primary parent, I am the adult who has the deepest insight into her previous trauma and the two years since the bullying started. Facts noted by me and passed to members of the meeting should not be a problem (i hope!)

My counsellor managed to fit me in for an appointment Thursday afternoon which is a blessing because I can sound it all out to her and see what she thinks.

Hi Clarity - please don't feel nervous about the meeting it is to help both you and your daughter with her SR. I know you must feel anxious yourself boy been there but you will i am sure come out feeling alot more positive.

The idea is to try and get your daughter back to school obviously and the best way forward - they may suggest a part time time table, or assistance in a class room. My advise is to keep notes of what has been said and who is to do what. I often prepared for these meetings only to find i didn't need to.

You will be absolutley fine - is your daughter going too ? If she can't make it don't worry.

Does your daughters school have a parent support worker who can be there to support you ? if not try and phone parent partership who can also offer assistance.

I wish you all the luck in the world - you will be fine just wish i could be there to help you as i am now so very experienced in all this !!!

Take care

Sar xx

Sarah thanks so much for your encouraging words. The real hell was 6 months ago when my d was so low I was frightened she was going to take her own life, it was such an isolating experience because her previous school were not supportive and denied that bullying was even happening let alone setting any limits to stop it. I have to keep reminding myself that it is different now that there are people with good intentions to support my daughter and me.

My daughter won't be attending this meeting but i'm sure there will be another smaller one held soon that will include her. She has a nasty cold virus at the moment so she was off yesterday and today with genuine illness. I'm hoping she will make it in tomorrow even if it's only for half an hour.

I will take notes at the meeting and try to breathe! There is no parent support at the school but there is an independent parenting support centre I have made arrangements to visit.

I will seek out some of your older posts to learn more of your experiences, it sounds like you are much further along the road with all of this. Thanks for your support

hi Clarity,

Good luck with the meeting. Sarah's advice is very good and comes from her long experience and helping others (Thanks Sarah!). I think taking notes in the meeting is an excellent idea because not only does it allow you to reflect later after the meeting but it gives the impression that you are really serious about this and taking control. I regret not doing this in one of my large meetings as it made me feel powerless at times. Maybe draw a little diagram (flow chart) on the top of the page you will write on to remind you of where you want the meeting to go - from cause to effect and then help. It helps you stay focused (I did have this and could keep glancing at it as I felt the discussion did go off in directions that weren't what I wanted some times).
And like Sarah says - they are there to help - if they criticise or seem to - just let that flow over you as they are looking at the situation from their eyes. You can even agree to disagree if the situation arises - but then ask them a direct question regarding what they are going to do to help because you are doing all you can at your end - it is their turn now.
I am sure it will go well. We all get a bit anxious in meetings like this because it is not something we are familiar with and we are caught up in the stress ourselves. Having the paper and pen in hand also gives you something to do with your hands - and asking for a class of water can be beneficial too : )
They are there to help - so good luck - and let us know how you get on.
Linda

Hi

If you read my posts you will see the ups and downs we have had over the past 5 years - but we survived and i have a wonderful 16.5 year old son who only managed about 10 months of senior school out of the 5 years he should have been there. Don't get me wrong its been hard at times, times when i too was frightened for him and times when i didn't think i could fright it any more but you find the strength to go on.

At work the staff got used to what type of morning i had had - for instance if i actually made it on time and had a full face of make up on they knew i was in a good mood and the morning had gone well, but the days i was late and red eyed they knew it wasn't the day to ask for a pay rise lol.

He left school / home education in June and he has gained more confidence in the past few months. He still suffers with a lack of confidence but all in all he's a good guy.

So what i am saying to you is, stay strong for your daughter and take things at her pace - always listen to her and support her, you will get there in the end and if schools not for her then so be it.

Remember you know your daughter better than anyone.

Keep your chin up and if you want to call me anytime i can let you have my number.

Sarah xx

Thank you Linda and Sarah for your support. I will be following your suggestions for the meeting re note taking and the flow chart is an excellent idea. Also letting criticism go over my head or address something if it is important enough to - it's a case of picking battles carefully I guess.

I am hopeful my daughter will return to school even if she is mainly based in learning support which has wonderful facilities and she has access to a quiet room when she cannot face mixing with the other students there. At heart she is a sociable girl and I would hate to see her lose that part of herself because of one jealous and attention seeking girl's toxic campaign to pull her down. She is a promising young artist and the school are very happy for her to work on projects there in learning support - this is the kind of thing that will really boost her.

I am working at calming my own stress when it triggers, being able to vent and share here, talk to my counsellor (local community relations/anti bullying counsellor), practicing mindfulness when I can, walking my dog on the beach etc.

We were fighting the toxic school for so long that I can see that my own defenses still rise up, reacting to criticism and misinterpretations like they are a personal attack when the intentions of CAMHS & the new school are good even if they are misguided at times - school refusal is a rare situation in our small community, I don't think they have had to deal with it on this level before because they appear so baffled by it. I get frustrated because to me it's obvious, 18 months of bullying in an unsupportive environment = distraught child with low self-esteem, trust issues with peers and teachers and phobia of anything that triggers memories of the trauma.

In a way all these meetings etc gives more time for my daughter to recover, she is genuinely sick this week but the pressure is off, I am calmer and she is taking steps to get her sleeping the right way around and eat better.

Thank you so much for the offer of your number Sarah, I will let you know when a pep talk from someone who has the t shirt already is the tonic I need - Just knowing this opportunity is there should I need it is great support in itself.

Clarity - the offer is always there. I want to wish you all the luck in the world for Friday you will be fine.

You know something our situation with my son has actually made me a stronger person. Don't get me wrong i wish we had never gone through all the stress and worry of it all but as time went on and i researched for hours on end i was so much more confident in the endless meetings that we had to attend.

I never deregistered my son from school even though i knew he would never go back a situation i think sometimes the school wish i would have taken - although it is parents responsibility to send their children to school they still had a duty of care to educate him and in the end it worked for us all.

So you hold your head up high when you go into the meeting you have nothing to be ashamed of and neither has your daughter and all you want is the best for her.

Will be thinking of you.

Take care

Sarah

Thanks Sarah

It's good to know that things have worked out for your son, you and your family in spite of all the stressful times that went before. I know what you mean about becoming stronger, it is happening and one day when it all evens out for our family, we will be wiser and stronger people for it and able to support and validate others in similar situations.

In the meantime of course focus is on getting through this ourselves as a family, coming out the other side and thriving. I know my daughter will find her way.

She went in to learning support for around an hour and a half today, she agreed to go in (for me really) to show effort before this meeting tomorrow and it ended up being a fairly positive experience for her. The school counsellor has really adapted her approach to show she is understanding of the trauma from the bullying that went on before d joined this new school and she made d aware that her intention is to help her feel empowered and in control of her own recovery process.

On the way home d told me she was tired of fighting (meaning her efforts to keep out of school) that fighting made her even more tired and that she will start to build up her time slowly attending learning support.

This is going to take a long time and there will be difficult days, I realise that (thankfully so does the counsellor) but for d to be showing willingness to move forward one little step after another, rather than remaining stuck is a huge relief.

From my perspective, our local education authority and school personnel expected too much of her too soon and it resulted in a relapse, but slowly they are coming around and are now much more willing to adapt their strategies to work at d's pace.

All of this means less stress on d and me which is good. I feel safe enough to take more of a back seat in the meeting tomorrow and let the SC advocate on d's behalf, stepping in with facts or suggestions if and when I need to. D has even agreed to attend learning support during the meeting and then join us at the end so she can meet all the profs involved in her care and say anything if she would like too. Pretty brave, and she may change her mind - either way I am proud of her.

Thanks again for your heartfelt support, it is really appreciated

Hi Clarity

Hope all goes well with the meeting today.

Sharon

Thanks for your good wishes Sharon.

My d went in yesterday but it was only for my benefit so that it looked good on me at the meeting today.

The meeting went ok but of course the emphasis is on d resuming normal school activities asap, with a brief time in learning support. I am to somehow create a super positive active environment at home so she is inspired to move forward and get into school. Staying home is not an option I was told and I must maintain tough love and discipline to get her in there (all this veiled with an air of support of me). I would do my best I told them and left the meeting with the aim of getting d up, into uniform and into school to at least spend some time with the SC.

Not a chance! Completely different child today, duvet over head, hands over ears and a sharp refusal to get up or go into school today. I reminded her of her positive claims yesterday but she just snapped 'that was yesterday, leave me alone'. Now I could have taken this further, raised my voice, made her get up and into uniform and into the car to school - but I know this is a futile exercise, it will only make her more traumatised, less communicative and determined to dig her heels in even more when Monday arrives.

Why don't the so called professionals understand that we are not doormats allowing our children to manipulate and stomp over us, it is a very real disability? If d doesn't make a significant shift in effort next week, I want to pursue a diagnosis.