Hi Barbara,

I agree with Kathy - probably not worth the conflict at this stage. I know it is best that your daughter doesn't isolate herself but as she has gone to so much trouble to tidy up her room then she must be feeling good about that space.
Maybe you could set up a place in the rest of the house somewhere that is also a nice spot to work? If you have room of course! And then she might shift between the two. Does she have TV in her room? if she has TV and other technology in her room (you mention that she doesn't have computer?) then that could become a problem and I can see why the teacher might warn you of this.
Our computer is in the lounge (well - my son's computer is in the lounge and mine is in the 'study'). I refuse to put it in his bedroom as I find it hard enough to get him off at the best of times and at least being in the lounge room he is more in tune with the ebb and flow of the day and me getting him off in 'neutral' space. He also is already 'there' if a family member or friend knocks on the door etc. I also know he would never do homework in his bedroom whereas I can monitor it in the lounge.

And like Kathy says - I would also be over the moon if my son had even slight enthusiasm to do his work. It is a constant battle and one that I don't feel we ever move forward on.
As mum - you know what your gut feeling is - so see how she goes? Then adapt if needed.
Our kids are just so sensitive!
Take care,
Linda

Kathy - i absolutely agree we spend too much time worrying about what other people think and i spent lots of time making excuses but after a while i stuck my nose up in the air and was very honest and people then started to react quite differently.

My sons headmaster at his primary school ( i turned to him when my son started to refuse at senior school because it felt easier to talk to him ) said to me after i sat and blubbered to him for ten minutes - oh sounds like he is school phobic !! this was the first time i had ever heard of the term and was shocked. He went on to explain all about it and he had come across lots of children who suffered and his wife was a school phobic teacher !! Anyway at the end of the conversation he said to me he may or may not go back to school ( he was in year 7 ) but if he didn't it wasn't the end of the world and if that is the worst thing that ever happens to my son then we are very lucky - it puts things into perspective really.

Anyway rambling on - you said your son chats on line - does he go on x box ? M uses x box live quite alot and it may help for them to chat ? Just a thought.

Well need to crack on - love to you all Sar x

Hi Sarah

No my son doesn't use x box but chats online I think via Habbo? Its amazing I will hear him laughing and chatting away on there but if someone spoke to him face to face he wouldn't say two words! It's almost like "if they can't see me they can't judge me"?!

We have an appointment with CAMHS tomorrow, not sure if S will be able to face it but my husband and I will go anyway so fingers crossed we can start making progress.

How old is your son Sarah and how are you getting on with home tutoring? We have made some enquiries but not been too successful so far! I keep saying to myself that today I will get him to knuckle down and do some work but I also don't want to rock the boat as far as his mental well being is concerned. If he is in a relatively good mood I dread bringing him down but then I also know we can't carry on like this indefinately. The doctor keeps telling us that when his medication is working properly he will be in a more positive frame of mind and be more receptive to working. I hope this is the case.

Take care x

Thanks very much for that Kathy. I know you are right. And I know we all know our own children better than anyone else. I have always been someone who looks up to authority and wants "to do the right thing". And I suppose part of me, in this situation with my daughter, has always thought that she should be in school and that is what we have to work towards. However, after the fantastic support on this forum, I am coming round the the way of thinking that it may be that school may never happen for my daughter - and for once that scenario does not seem as upsetting as it used to for me. Obviously, if she manages to get there, that will be good. However, she may work at home or in the library and still manage to pass exams and have a job/career. She obviously has a problem/mental health issue and it is important to try to get her well and happy, and seeing friends again, instead of beating myself up over whether she can get into school.
Thanks so much everyone, again, for your support and invaluable advice. I can't stress how glad I am that I found this site.

Kathy - My son is 16.5 now so left "school" in June this year, hence i'm not so active on the site as i used to be - i sometimes want to put it all behind me and forget what we went through, but then i hope that my expereince may just help someone else.

Our home schooling was OK but it was sorted out by the school i never took him off the school roll as i know that they had a duty to educate my son so they paid for about 15 hours per week. This was originally only about 5 hours but then i took it to our local MP who sorted it within 72 hours he was an absolute super star and has become a friend.

My son has a very short concentration span and to be honest only really tried on subjects he liked but i think you can say this about lots of kids. The tutor we originally had was a bit of a nightmare and was quite demanding of not only my son but what she required - we swopped and well our 2nd tutor i knew as he taught me lol and also lives in the village so we all had alot of common ground. My son got on well with him, and i have to say when it came to maths not sure who was teaching who but they enjoyed the sessions and that is all i wanted - to see him laugh and make an effort.

He did very well in his exams and i was extremely proud as i taught him the majority of his science lessons now that was hard work as it's 25+ years since i studied my A levels !!!

So in the end we got there and my son feels that the pressure is off. He was going to start an apprenticeship with my company but then he changed his mind and is looking at starting a course with a small local college, he has also been offered a job with one of our clients, but not sure he is ready for that just yet. I am more than happy to let him be for the remainder of the year and let him chill a bit and find his feet - rightly or wrongly but i feel this is best.

Hope this helps Sarah xx

Thanks Sarah - my sons a year younger than yours and I hope I am in the same position as you in a years time! Sounds as though you did a great job with his home schooling. I am in the process of reducing my working hours so that I can help S with his work.

We are now off to see someone from CAMHS so wish us luck!

xx

Hi, Sarah,

It is good to hear that your son in progressing after such a difficult time for you both. I think at this stage that the pressures are just different. Our daughter has just had her first job interview. She seemed quite calm before it and apparently responded to all the questions well. What a difference to some of the interviews we have been through in the SR process!

I don't know if she will be offered the job, but nonetheless we feel that this is a huge improvement and must give her the confidence to go forward.

Good luck to your son.

Simon

Hi Simon it's so good to hear from you - for those of you who are quite new here Simon was my knight in shining armour when my son started to refuse school all those years ago and did a fantastic job in setting up this site.

Wow well done with regards to the interview fingers crossed for your daughter i hope she is successful.

Yes the pressures are different and at times i feel we are just not progressing then he just surprises me for example he has gone to a football match tonight with an approx 5,000 crowd which is a huge achievement so proud he went with his friends and just fitted in.

It still makes me cry to read some of the messages on here and brings back so many memories of when M started to refuse and i though we will never get through it but yes we did.

I do feel that the whole experience has changed my life and with that in mind i have decided to train as a counsellor in the new year and hope our experiences will help others.

Love to everyone

Sar xx

Hi Sarah,

Well done to your son! That is terrific. And what a wonderful thing for you to train as a counsellor. I think you'd be great. You have been a wonderful support to me and others on here. And I am also so glad that Simon set up the site - he saved me from falling into a deep dark hole all that time ago. I remember in those early days I'd be typing and crying so much I hardly knew what I was doing! And then someone like yourself would reply and wipe the tears away. Thanks : )
All the best Sarah. And all the best to your daughter, Simon - that is great news. It gives us all hope.
Take care,
Linda