Hi, I am new to this forum...and very grateful to have found it! The last 12 months have probably been the most bewildering, frustrating and stressful of my parenting career. My son is 11 years old, and just started secondary school. His problems seemed to start almost exactly 12 months ago, shortly after entering year 6. I am not sure exactly how it started, I think it was triggered by a bad stomach bug, which left him with a particularly irritable bowel. The symptoms of this meant that he had several days over the course of several weeks where he stayed at home due to cramps and diarrhoea. This Irritable bowel syndrome has persisted although lessened in severity since this time, and if I reflect to see where his school refusal tendencies started...it was during this time.

During the course of year 6, he had days where the IBS was a problem, and he was reluctant to go to school, even when the symptoms subsided. These incidences increased in frequency as the year progressed and his general demeanor changed from a happy, lively child to one that seemed increasingly withdrawn and morose. When I applied pressure to encourage him to chivvy up, and go to school; he became very tearful and emotional. What initially seemed to be a relatively rare occurence,
quickly started to become a regular stressor in our lives.

Since starting secondary school, the situation has taken on a life of its own, and I feel like I have reached the end of my resilience in dealing with it. After a positive meeting at the school, and an attendance of 2hrs the following day, and all day yesterday...this morning there was no way on this earth that I was going to get him out of the door. I feel awful as I was so stressed, at this backwards step (yet again), that I didn't deal with things very well at all...just feel such a failure as a parent, and worried about where I am going tto find the strength to keep going. Just so glad that I have found you guys, as my colleagues make me feel as though I must just be a pushover of a parent; and cannot understand how I cannot get him to go to school.

Hi Jane,

Welcome to our group. We all know and understand exactly how you feel and what you are going through and firstly you are not a bad parent or a pushover. Unless you have experienced this you can't know how difficult it is to have your child physically not be able to go out of the house to school so much so that it ends in a physical fight with them and a break down of the family relationship. We have all been there and we understand.

Anyone who knows me will say that I am no pushover and I am someone who is used to being organised and solving everyones problems but my daughter and her not being able to go to school was and is a whole different ball game.

My advice would be to keep trying to get him to go but don't battle with him. Speak to your GP about his IBS and also ask for a referal to CAHMS. See if your sons school would let him go in part time and let him pick which subjects he feels he can cope with. If he knows he doesn't have to stay all day or even go everyday it might just work. Put today behind you, don't mention it, have a nice weekend and don't ask about going to school, then on monday just go to get him up as normal. If it doesn't look he is going to go then don't fight him and try and talk to him about it, I have found it helpful when talking to my daughter to talk about times when I have felt scared and nervous and when my daughters home tutor started coming she told her about other kids she was helping or had helped, in fact one goes daughters school. This was like a big weight was lifted off her shoulders because she now realised that other kids go through this and it wasn't just her. Its a long slow road but hang in there you are doing a great job.

Sue

Hi Jane,

Welcome! We know how you are feeling - it must be so difficult at the moment. There is lots of sympathy on here and lots of good advice and support. So glad you found us.

Don't let anyone make you feel like you are failure - you are definitely not a failure. I have had that feeling too but it didn't help : ( I have had many people, other parents, initially family and teachers suggest that I am just being too soft. It used to make my blood boil but now I just tell them that they have absolutely no idea what we go through. Having found this site really helped me face others.

The fact that you were looking for help means that you are doing all you can to help your son. It is good if you can get some counselling or even medication yourself to keep you going through the rocky road that it is.

I agree with Sue, that if you can try and keep getting him there at this stage - firm but not force - it might start to become more of a pattern/routine that he starts to follow without thinking as much about it (well that is at least the plan I am currently working on!). But if it doesn't happen - then there will be other options. Like Sue says - get a referral to CAMHS as you need their support. Also Sarah has found Parent Partnership really helpful - so see if you can find your local branch.

It must be hard for your son with IBS - there have been others on the forum with similar symptoms. It could also be a symptom of the anxiety? Has your GP diagnosed anxiety or sent you for a diagnosis somewhere?

See what kind of referrals you can get and find the help for your son that might start to move him forward a bit at a time. Small steps are good steps.
Take care
Linda

Hi Jane, I so know how you feel. My daughter's school refusal was exacerbated by diarrhoea and became a viscious cycle. She felt nervous about going to school, got diarrhoea, felt ill sitting in lessons and worried about needing the loo, then did actually need the loo (as we all know, you can't ignore an upset stomach), then needed to leave the classroom, then came back and worried about needing the loo again, then became phobic about going into a classroom at all in case she needed the loo. We had this for many months and then she just stopped going to school.

I think my daughter's anxiety about school was also triggered by a nasty bout of viral gastroentritis that she had two years ago, she was off school for three weeks and was very fatigued afterwards.

She has just turned 17 now and I am glad to say is a lot better. What helped us was 9 sessions of CBT with a psychologist (we had to pay privately, CAMHS did not have the resources for a psychologist only counselling which is not what she needed) and experimenting with Immodium.

Using Immodium helped her to feel more in control of her bowels (all ok'd by her doctor). My daughter took a couple of them the night before school, then a couple of Immodium Instants in the morning before school. This helped with the diarrhoea and she became more confident that she would not need to leave the lessons which of course was her biggest fear - how embarrassing to keep having to leave in front of everyone and then worry that you may need the loo again in half an hour.

We have been luckier than some in that she has refused school for only 8 months. I was terrified that she would not be able to go back after the summer hols but she managed. I think it helped that everyone was going back at the same time, whereas last term she found it hard to go back in the middle of term and having everyone ask questions. Also, her new timetable had loads of free periods so she didn't have the whole day to get through. The first week wasn't easy, I could see on her face she was extremely anxious but she did it and now we do not have any trouble in the mornings apart from the usual teenager tiredness at getting up early. I feel a different person, like a huge weight has been lifted.

The school were very supportive but again, I was lucky as she is older and in 6th form so didn't legally have to be in school.

If your son was able to stem the diarrhoea, would he be more inclined to go to school do you think?

Thinking of you,

R x

Hi Sue,

Thankyou for your much appreciated reply. It has really helped to discover this forum and other resources, and know that we are not alone. It has helped me feel stronger, and more able to deal with
whats ahead.

Jane

Linda, I think my sons IBS is almost certainly anxiety based. He has been referred to a paediatrician to rule out anything organic. We are waiting to see CAMHS next week, so am hopeful that they will help provide him with strategies to help manage his anxiety. I looked up parent partnership, and am very grateful for the information. Thankyou. As you say, am trying to appreciate the small steps forward, and not be too devastated when things don,t go so well

Jane

Ros,

I have been thinking about immodium, but not yet tried it. The GP prescribed Colofac for bowel cramps a couple of weeks ago, and that does seem to be helping. Anxiety definately exacerbates his symptoms, and it is a big vicious cycle as you say. The school have given him a toilet pass, so he dosen't have to ask to leave class to go to the toilet, but I cannot help the feeling that there is more underlying the anxiety than his IBS symptoms. I am so glad to have found you ladies, and already feel so much stronger. I am glad your daughter is now doing much better, and hope this continues for you

Jane