Gaslighting is a behaviour that bullies or abusers use to disable their targets/victims by turning around their reality or accurate perceptions of things to look like illusions or fabrications.

Here is a good description of what gaslighting is and what it feels like to be on the receiving end of it:-

http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Gaslighting.html

In my experience, this is how it feels when dealing with professionals who are following an agenda for my daughter to return to school without addressing the underlying fears and anxieties she carries. Refusing to look at the real cause of her SR and come up with authentic support methods that would have a chance of helping her.

The only way to combat gaslighting is to be as prepared as possible when in that kind of situation, to maintain truth and self respect even when unable to verbally defend self or child. To find 'safe' and genuine professionals and support networks that can help us maintain strength to keep going and to discover what our individual child's solutions to help them are.

Hmmm, not sure about this. I have recognised "gaslighting" as occurring in abusive relationships and in the workplace (bosses with borderline personality disorders spring to mind). However, I'm not sure that regarding the people we have to deal with in schools and associated agencies as having a form of mental illness is a helpful model. Having said this, Clarity, I do know where you are coming from as it can feel that school management, CAMHS and other agencies are operating in a different reality which they are trying to foist on our children and on us as the parents (mainly the mothers). And in any organisation you can end up having to deal with someone who uses coercive or manipulative tactics to try to get you to do what they want.

The agenda for schools, is of course, not the same as that for parents of SR children. Schools need as many children as possible to be in every day and not only performing well on a day to day basis but always improving on last term's/week's assessments. They are judged in their effectiveness by huge tables of statistical data rather than on their ability to help children become well-adjusted, caring and productive members of society. I feel as if I am in constant battle with my son's school, but I can see that some of the worst things they have said and done are down to the pressure they are under. I don't agree with it or accept it and I continue to fight against it but knowing where some of the problems are coming from does stop me from getting into a murderous rage most of the time.

Luckily, my son has not had problems with bullying (probably isn't in enough for it to happen!) and I can appreciate that when this happens to your child and the school refuse to acknowledge it and deal with it then this is totally unacceptable and can never be justified or condoned.

I think, Clarity that you are exactly right that being very prepared for meetings and other contacts is essential as it makes us feel more confident when challenging other points of view. I've always tried to make sure I record information and put as much as possible in writing to the school, as I know that I have evidence then of what has happened and when. This can be useful in the long term in pointing out discrepancies in the school's attitude.

Sadly there will always be some teachers and mental health workers who view mothers of SR children as weak, incompetant, unstable and a whole host of other things but if we can just keep on going, consistently supporting our children I am sure we can stand up to them.

Thanks Leah for your thoughtful input on this topic.

It's true that the intentions of most of the professionals involved in 'helping' our SR children back into school is good and certainly not abusive but perhaps it is the pressure they are under to follow regulations and meet stats etc that gives the feeling of the gaslight effect.

"Sadly there will always be some teachers and mental health workers who view mothers of SR children as weak, incompetant, unstable and a whole host of other things but if we can just keep on going, consistently supporting our children I am sure we can stand up to them."

^ this is very true and it is so important to take the support of the ones along the way who do 'get it'. I have made an appointment with our family GP for tomorrow morning - she has been a wonderful support through our journey so far and I am hoping she will support me further in referring my daughter to a private psychotherapist for psychological evaluation and perhaps medication to help her manage her school related anxiety.

Hi Clarity,

I can hear your frustration and know what you mean. I agree with Leah though - that it is probably not really gas-lighting but perhaps the feeling you are left with is a similar feeling of no control and it 'does your head in'.
I also find conversations with my son which are not rational at the height of his anxiety make me feel like I am going crazy and for a fleeting moment I wonder if it's me who is not seeing things for what they are!! So I think what I am saying is that in our journey with anxiety and School Refusal - we come across situations we would not normally be faced with and because of our role, we often feel that others are dictating what they see as happening. They are probably trying to help and sometimes an outside view can see things we can't see - but it is also important to remain strong and explain over and over what you see is happening. We need to listen to others though - as there is always something about what they say that has some help - it might be that it is not the right help at the right time- but it might be something we look at further down the track. Authorities tend to want to rush and move the situation on as they are accountable for ticking the attendance boxes as well as ensuring a child's education. Then there are those who just don't get it - and we have all met them - who look down upon us as being weak parents.

I have found that this is where I have had to build up my own confidence outside of all this and so that when they come back at me with that I have the strength to be calm and tell them it is not what they think. I used to feel so small in meetings and had to hold back the tears or in fact did cry. Over the years I guess I have hardened a bit but I still feel somewhat vulnerable as our role as parents is under the microscope and always will be. This forum, however, has taught me that it is not me - there is no way that this many parents are all doing the wrong thing! So I feel very encouraged by hearing others stories , yours included - and feel more able to stick up for myself but also admit to some possible weaknesses as a sole parent that are inevitable. I think what I am saying is that my own guilt is reducing.

The site you referred us to is actually rather depressing! I looked under Avoidance Behaviour and I don't know if it is just the way the US describes things but I found the wording different than other descriptions I had come across and all very much from the perspective of the psychologist. I think if I took into account all they said on there I'd give up now!! Sometimes we over analyse things and label too much. Our kids are different - they have an anxiety issue- we and others have to accept that (and so do our children) and then find ways to move on. It takes an enormous effort - and that is what the schools often do not realise. They see a tired parent and misinterpret that as a parent just not coping but the fact that we are there talking to them and accessing this forum and doing what we can means we are coping - even if only just - and that is a positive.
You are doing all you can, Clarity, and you just have to keep letting others know that or in fact just don't keep explaining - but don't feel too weighed down by their lack of empathy. They have not been through this.
I am not excusing any of them - but this is how I have come to see it and survive.
Take care - how is your daughter today? And how are you feeling today? Do you have a hobby or interest that you can throw yourself into? Are you finding yourself also being confined to the house with your daughter? I find that and have to make a huge effort to get out and socialise myself these days. It does help though : )
Linda xx

Absolutely spot on. When this happens a few times in succession it triggers me terribly, I get really angry with every backward step my daughter takes because of any insensitivity or rule book bashing mistake that is made in effort to support her. I feel I am having opinions shoved down my throat at times and yet valid opinions or suggestions on my part can be overlooked or ignored.

Of course they are not gas lighting intentionally as an abusive person is capable of doing but the feeling is very similar sometimes. Having been on the receiving end of this kind of abuse and knowing what it feels like, I guess this is a huge personal trigger for me and one I am going to have to pay a lot of attention to to overcome.

Other days I really see the positives too. I can see that the new school personnel are not rigid, they are willing to adapt strategies by learning what my daughter does and does not respond to. I am hoping that they will take on board that if they acknowledge her past trauma, validate that it was not her fault in any way and then reassure her that she is safe in their school and something like this will not happen to her there, then I can see their other strategies working because d first needs to trust her educators and feel she is safe before taking steps forward. They keep skipping over this fundamental building block.

On a positive note I just had some breathing heart math sessions and a head and shoulder massage at our local parenting support centre which has really helped me to bring stress levels down. I took d to the doctor this morning, who gave her a lot of encouragement and d has agreed to attend learning support tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Thanks so much for your understanding and support Linda.