Hi all, this is my first visit to this site so I hope you can provide some insight for me.

My son has been refusing school on and off since the end of year 6 and he is now in yr 8. However what started as an odd day or 2 per week has been full refusal since end of March 2012, except for 2 days at the beginning of the new term in September.

It initially started with obvious anxiety such as feeling sick, headaches and such but is now at the point that I feel he is so shut down that he cannot express even basic emotions, just says I don't know. He spends most days shut in his room, he doesn't want to go out, no longer interacts with any of his peers, will not even talk to any of his 'friends'. From the start I have worked closely with the school(s) and we got educational psychologists and educational welfare on board quickly and also CAMHS.

Initially they passed the buck to CAMHS but they ignored the family 'history' and passed the buck to the 'stay safe' team at banardos.Also, at no point did they ever speak to my son, only to me. This went on until he changed school in sept 2011 when they had minimal involvement and the report they sent me clearly showed that my son was just telling them what they wanted to hear and they just walked away.

He seemed initially ok for about 3 months then his behaviour in school deteriorated dramatically, going from a polite respectful child to one who was disruptive, rude and disrespectful of any and all 'authority' figures. This culminated in him totally 'losing the plot' in school where he swore at a teacher, ran away and tried to scale the perimiter fence. He also got involved in some criminal damage (again, totally out of character) outside of school and received a 'Restoritive Order' from the police. That was in March 2012 and since then he has totally refused school, and retreated into himself to the point he rarely leaves the house and when he does it has to be at a time when he thinks there is less chance of him seeing any 'peers' even if we are going away from the town we live.

Again the educational welfare were bought in and I then had to attend various meetings with a view to getting him back into school, then I insisted that the educational psychologist was bought in to 'assess' my son as I strongly feel he has psychological issues rather than refusing for the sake of it. She duly met with me and my son at home and the results gave a strong indication he potentially has behavioural disorder. It took them several months before they referred him to CAMHS and I finally have an assessment due tomorrow but this will be the 4th time in as many years I will take him to CAMHS and all they do is talk to me and not try to engage my son.

The reason I believe he has behavioural disorder is because I was diognosed with Personality Disorder about 6 years ago and have since been through an intensive theraputic programme and am now in my 2nd year of 'recovery' which normally takes up to 5 years to fully absorb what has been learn't during therapy.

As far i'm concerned it is clear he has learn't his behavious and coping mechanisms from me when I was unwell and I recognise alot of the traits which I have told all the 'professionals' but they just disregard it and because my son is so 'shut down' (which I did when I was unwell) he does not engage with them so they just say hes ok when he clearly is not.

How many 12/13 year olds avoid any and all social interaction, wont leave the house and hide in their room for the most part ?? Normal behaviour, I don't think so.

We are now at the point when they are again going to take me to court and are now also involving Social Services.

How can I get them to 'hear' what I'm telling them ? I'm out of ideas and at the end of my tether.

During all this the school have refused to even send work home as the educational welfare team say it would be condoning his behaviour !! He is ill for heavens sake and yet he is being refused any education unless in school. Surely that is not right and they say there is no funding for home tutoring so I am scuppered and my son is suffering even more as a result.

Any thought or ideas would be very much appreciated.

Nic x

Hi Nicky

Bless you it sounds as though you and your son are having a rough time! I have only known about this site for a few weeks but it is wonderful to have somewhere that you can talk to people who have experience of what you are going through. Sometimes it helps just to put your feelings into words and know that you are not alone.

You are so right when you say that the isolation behavior that your son is exhibiting is not what any child/teenager would choose for themselves. We had this conversation with our doctor and my husband told her he was worried about the amount of time my son spent on his laptop. Her response was that if my son wasn't so ill he would choose to do other things. She confirmed that the reason he spends so much time alone and on his computer is because he isn't well enough to be able to cope with anything else. It felt good to hear someone in "authority" confirming what I already knew.

Our children deal with their anxiety issues in different ways. My son withdrew into himself and hasn't been back to school since the new term started in Sept (he is 15) but it sounds as though your son dealt with his anxiety in a different way and his anger has taken over. It is so hard for us as parents to see our children suffering in this way.

It doesn't sound as though you are getting any support from either school or CAMHS and so you must feel very frustrated and isolated. There are lots of people on here that have a lot of knowledge about the "system" and I am sure they will be able to give you lots of worthwhile advice.

Remember you are not alone Nicky. Take care of yourself.

xx

Hi Kathy,

Thanks for your reply, yes it helps in a weird way just knowing you are not alone and other parents face similar issues.

Thanks in some part to this site and www.schoolreferfamilies.co.uk I was able to speak to a lawyer today who specialises in educational law and explained the lack of co-operation to him. He believes they may be in breach of section 19 of the education act 1996 and has agreed to take on my case to try and at least get them to provide some form of education whilst his mental health needs are being assessed.

A small step but a positive one from my point of view.

I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone but it is just so hard for friends and family to understand when they are not living with it on a day to day basis.

Hope you manage to resolve the issues with your son, is good to know there are gp's out there willing to listen and take on board the parents concerns and acknowledge them.

Thanks again

Nicky x

Hi Nicky,

So glad you found us but so sorry to hear your frustration and what you and your son are going through. It must be so hard for you to be passed from one to the other whilst all the time you know your son best and are trying to get them to listen. It is a familiar story on here.
Like Kathy says, there are lots of supportive people on here who can help you in lots of ways because we understand exactly where you are coming from.

My suggestion would be to get in touch with your local Parent Partnership (See link below)
http://www.parentpartnership.org.uk/

Sarah and others on here found them very helpful with the kind of situation you are facing. As far as court threats go - don't worry - I know that sounds too simple - but others on here who have been threatened with court action have never had to actually front up to court as help has arrived before it got to that stage. It is also worth showing anyone who is threatening court the case in the UK a couple of years ago with School Refusal, where the judge threw it out of court and asked that the parents and child be apologised to by the education authorities. The link to that article is"
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1285219/Boy-school-phobia-wins-apology-education-chiefs-tried-prosecute-parents.html

More articles can be found on Clarity's post entitled 'Interesting pdf article which was last posted on 22 october).

Simon, who set up this site always reminds us to document everything and date it. Write down all that you have seen happen with your son - his reactions, his non reactions and so forth as well as what the authorities have not done.
What you son seems to be going through does seem to be fairly typical. I presume you have not found that there is any specific cause such as bullying or an incident between your son and a teacher that set this off? Generally it seems that anger is a result of the frustration and if your son was refusing on and off then this seems to be a sure sign that he has either an anxiety disorder or if you observe, some kind of personality disorder. But anxiety in itself can create symptoms that are very similar to other issues and disorders so sometimes the authorities do not sit down and sift through the possibilities. Keep being firm with them and don't feel that you are in any way in the wrong. They make us feel vulnerable ourselves either because of our past or that we are not parenting properly. And yet there is obviously something else staring us and them in the face.
My son also could not explain what the problem was. I don't think he knew and he still doesn't - but he has come to the realisation it is anxiety and that did help him take a step or two forward and keep trying to go to school. He just had this overwhelming fear that would grip him and make him incapable of thinking rationally and breaking through the anxiety barrier - just like your son.

If you cannot get help directly via CAMHS are you able to seek help via a psychologist outside the system? Cognitive behaviour therapy is helpful and many on here have found it has helped move their children forward.
And yes - our children do tend to hide away or try and forget the anxiety by playing computer games etc. My son admits it doesn't make the anxiety go away but whilst he is involved in the game he doesn't ahve to think about it.
It has therefore become obsessive. I do not believe it is like other kids their age whose parents say they struggle to get their kids off the computer - yes they do....but I think we have a double issue in that when they come off it, not only do they have the normal withdrawal feelings but they are also then flat bang into reality and facing their anxiety. So we struggle extra hard as parents on this one. And my son is terrified of meeting his peers - won't even put the bins out any more in case someone is out there (I am sure other parents might say that is a plot to get out of a chore - but I am sure all on here can relate to this).
Remember - you are a good mum and doing all you can - you wouldn't have found this site if you were not actively involved in helping your son. Don't let what you have been through and needed help for cloud your vision of where you are now and what you think the authorities must think. They have to start doing something and if they don't you have every right to jump up and down at them. But before that - get in touch with the parenting support - they should give you advice and the support that you need. They know the challenges that you are facing.

I hope I have been of some help! I am not from the UK but having been on this site now for over two years (and it saved me from spiralling down hill into depression myself) I think I know more about your system than my own!!

There are posts on here some time back about court threats - it was early this year - if you are able to sift through.
And as Kathy says - remember you are not alone.
Take care,
Linda