Hi everyone

After visiting the psychiatrist the other day (without my son), I came home feeling like the world was on my shoulders and the road ahead was no clearer. She had, however, said 'follow your instincts'. Suddenly that hit home and I started jotting ideas down. I came up with something that sounds so simple and yet in our SR world at home - is not quite so. We have 6 weeks of school left till long break - so this is my plan to get my son through the rest of the year with a reduction of stress. What has currently been happening is that he goes mostly to school but still misses a lot of days. The last two weeks, however, has been following a star chart plan set out by the psychologist where if my son attends for two weeks he gets money to put on a computer game. Before and during this, his dad come and takes him to school three days a week and I take him the other two.
My observation of this was it was a great relief for me (unbelievable in a morning when it is not my turn to take him) but that for my son - he was getting more and more depressed and angry and frustrated. He was exploding after school at me. Last week he begged on one day to be picked up early and also emailed me on one day to be picked up (and I did pick him up). So to me...this plan is not working.

My plan. I asked my son to choose a day when he wants to be picked up early each week (it can be a different day or the same day but it cannot be Mondays). The relief on his face when I explained this was immense.
Having been on rocky ground for so long, of course, I don't rush to think 'hey - we finally have something that works' I am of course still sceptical about what does work. But worth a try.

I also want to put in place that unbeknown to him (but to his dad and I) - missing one day in a fortnight is ok and we won't make an issue out of it (usually I am supposed to call his dad to come and take him etc if I just can't get him there). I was going to do this plan in conjunction with the school but my son thought it best not to mention it as they might say no. Interesting. Anyway - who did say no? His dad. I put the plan to him and he was really worked up about it. He said that if I do that then our son will want to take more and more time off as he will see a way out. And that I am saying it is ok to avoid things and opt out of things when we are supposed to be teaching him the opposite. I tried to explain and give examples of how we might treat a non swimmer, for example, we would not throw them in the deep end day in day out - we'd start in the shallows and give small exposure first. And an adult with agrophobia, we wouldn't dump them in the middle of a busy street each day, we'd take small steps to the door first, then out the door, then down the street etc. So why are we throwing our son into the school environment day in day out when that environment is so stressful for him? Why aren't we doing like some on this forum do and have their kids build up the hours they attend. For us of course it is reducing the hours rather than building up as we have been going about it the other way round.
I did not convince him. He told me what has to be done and that is our son has to be forced to attend school every day 100%. I asked why we wouldn't try it and his response was 'you can try whatever you like but it won't work.'
And he added 'and I bet you he will still kick up a fuss come Monday morning."

So...I am trying it. And I am also going to learn to follow my instincts and to stop being told by others what to do. I do not believe the experts or the school have any idea how to help my son. It is up to myself and his dad - and his dad is sometimes going to have to listen to other opinions on this one. I do not like being treated as if I am an idiot and giving my son a big soft cushion to lie on. I am merely looking at the practicalities of the situation and I know - my son will not make it through 6 weeks unless something is done about it.
So there - I have had my little rave!! Thank you for listening.
Good news... my son did not kick up a fuss this morning. He went to school - and I took him : )
I'll keep you posted. It may or may not be a plant that works - but I am tired of everyone else telling me what works. Non of us have any idea....so anything is worth a try.
Hope no none is having a terrible day - hope things are going ok for everyone.
Take care,
Linda

Good on you Linda :-)

You are right in everything you have said. I floundered around for so long trying to put in place everything everyone suggested including the "hard line" approach my daughter's dad insisted on and boy did that fail big time. He lives 5 hours away from us and told her that if she didn't go to school every day, she was going to live with him. This was from a man who left when she was 6 weeks old and only sees her once or twice a year at best. I went along with it because after years of trying, I had no where else to turn. She was so distressed and full of fear and yet it still wasn't enough to overcome her fear of school. And then of course I was terrified that I was actually going to have to follow through and send her to live with him. I think his moment of realisation was when she told him that if we made her go to live with him she would kill herself. I think also his partner was able to get through to him that this was not just a disobedient child, but one who was suffering. He is now being very supportive and is making an effort to get to know her.
What definitely worked was the reduced hours and giving her some control over when she went to school and for how long. Also finding a reason to go, ie TAFE course next year and the right medication for her depression.
I also think the key is whether the child wants to go back to school. My daughter always wanted to go to school and "be normal", but I think if they don't have that desire it might be more difficult to continue with traditional schooling.
Does your son have any other significant adults he would open up to? My daughter would talk to an aunty or friend when she couldn't tell me stuff. I know she was so burdened by guilt because she knew how much stress I was under. There is a great mentoring program run through schools by an independant organisation - google in2life.org.au
I think your plan is a good one - don't let anyone tell you otherwise, you are a amazing mum and one day I know your son will thank you for everything you have done for him. My daughter tells me every day how much she loves me and thanks me for not giving up on her. I still can't believe she is going to school every day with a minimum of fuss :-)
Keep us up to date on how you are doing

Hi Sandy,

Thank you so much for your support - I really appreciate that.
And also for your ideas. I have quite a bit to think about in regards to what other support might be out there.
Your story sounds similar with your ex just not knowing how to deal with the situation, so doing the only thing that sounded like a threat. But...don't work, do they.
My son doesn't really want to go to school - so his motivation to get better in order to go to school, just isn't there. This also means that when he is sick - his motivation to get better is not there, because then it means back to school. Sad situation really and very frustrating to observe.
I am so glad your daughter is going to school ok. Does she know what is different now or how she copes differently?
My son doesn't have anyone to confide in but me. He says he finds his dad hard to talk to. Having someone else could be a really good thing for later on. I have sounded out one of his older cousins in relation to this as they do get along well and I think my son might be able to talk to him one day but just not right now. The cousin is happy to be there for him and so his his fiance. Just depends whether they end up living near by or not.
So I will check out the site you mentioned to me.

Day two of my plan and it has nearly back fired. My son chose today to come home early (as per the plan). He also said he wanted to have a hair cut. I nearly fell off my chair...that IS a big step. So off he went to school and I rang the hairdressers - only to find out they were booked out all afternoon!! I picked him up early and thought he'd have a nice pleasant afternoon with no stress. But no ....he had told the kids at school he was leaving early to get his hair cut (as it is long then it got quite a response). And then of course - no hair cut. So now he does not want to go to school tomorrow as he does not know what to say to them about not getting his hair cut and he thinks they will give him a hard time.
Gosh - you just can't win, can you!!? I don't know whether to laugh or cry - it is all just too frustrating.
Anyway - it looks like he will go tomorrow and tell them they mucked up the day and time and he is going after school (and yes he is). But he has begged to be picked up at lunch time.

This wasn't part of the plan. So has the plan failed already after two days? I am going to just go with this hiccup and pick him up tomorrow but I have told him that this is not the plan and he can't again take advantage of coming home early and extending it to the next day (otherwise he will prove my ex right!!).
He also refused to go to his cousin's place for a birthday dinner tonight. I worry that the more he does refuse - the easier it gets to keep on refusing more and more events/activities. But perhaps I just go back to day to day and stop wondering where it might lead.
We will see what happens over the rest of the week.
All the best for you and your daughter. Does your daughter have any advice she might be able to give others?
Take care,
Linda xx

Hi Linda, haven't been on for a while as daughter is now attending school with no problem although I keep waiting for a 'relapse'!

I just wanted to say that trusting your instincts is the best way as I think your instincts and the way you want to manage your son are spot on. Your ex has not got a clue I am afraid. You can't force a child to do something that causes them such distress, how ridiculous!!!

I think your plan is great but like most plans it won't always go smoothly and some weeks it will be fine and some it won't, but trust yourself, you are doing a fantastic job. My daughter is 17 now and today was sitting with me doing her University applications, most of them, apart from one, are about two hours away from home. 6 months ago I would never have believed it. She does still get anxious about things but seems to be able to 'push through' it rather than avoiding what is making her anxious. I actually think a lot of it is maturity, she handles her emotions a lot better at 17 than when she was 15.

I can't tell you the relief I feel that she is now attending school and I wish that you, and everyone else on here will experience this, sooner rather than later.

Stay strong and do some nice things for you when you can!

R x

Hi Ros,

That is so good to hear about the update with your daughter. Thank you - it gives us all hope!
My son actually managed to get his hair cut today. A huge step. We were about to leave and he came up with all the reasons why it would be better not to have it done today. He was really quiet and withdrawn during the session - but I could tell as we walked out that he was relieved. Phew....one big thing achieved!!
Now perhaps he will blend in at school a bit better.
Thank you so much for your confidence in me. I must say I do feel much better about everything now that I am following my own lead. I can't believe that his dad also expected, after having told me what he thought of my plan,
that i just would abandon it. I haven't bothered telling him otherwise yet.
The main thing my son has to cope with in the plan - is the comments the other kids make when they see him leaving.
I am hoping, that like your daughter, maturity can help my son. It has gone on for so long with him but with maturity playing a part (as it has already) then he wasn't going to improve greatly in those early years. I guess some kids just suffer earlier and longer - but their stories are very much the same.
Take care Ros and lovely to have you pop by again and hear your news.
Linda

Hi,

I think I have learnt a lesson I thought I had already learnt! Don't build up expectations!!
The plan...it fell totally on its head last week - instead of asking to do one half day in the week - it turned into four half days. This week....today - he hasn't gone at all. Couldn't tell his dad as then he would have come round and forced him to go and my gut feeling is, as always, that that is not the way to go.
So feeling a bit churned up inside as I thought giving my son a chance to not feel he had to go every single day might help. Perhaps I am judging too quickly and need to give it another go - but must admit I feel a bit deflated as far as ideas go. Luckily I never told me ex I was going ahead despite his criticism so I won't have to put up with the flack - but I hate the lying - it eats away at you. But what can I do?!!
AT the beginning of last week I felt so strong. This week I feel like everything is slip sliding under my feet again. The nature of SR I guess I should be used to it by now! I don't think we can ever quite get used to it.
How is everyone else going? Not as many posts on here lately. I think sometimes not having a return email means that if there are no 'replies' in our inbox, we forget.

I have this feeling also that when I said to my son 'only 5 weeks left - so lets just get through them' his mind went to holiday mode....or went through the negative ' 5 more weeks - how can I get through that many weeks?'. He did this last year and I struggled to get him to school for the last month. He has tests and assignments due so I feel a bit edgy and I don't want the report when it comes out to go on and on again about 'due to absences....' Yeah...as if we didn't know!!!
Sorry - just feeling a bit negative myself today. Hope everyone over there is having a good night sleep and hope tomorrow brings some positives : )
Linda

Hi Linda

I'm still trying to keep my head above water in this hemisphere too.

So sorry you are feeling deflated this week. I find myself going up and down too - how can we not be affected by our child's anxiety/struggles and the pressure from authorities/other family members? It is an impossible task, we are only human and we cannot keep everyone happy (let alone have time for our own needs!) it gets so bloody exhausting at times.

Like you though, instinctively I know that force is not the way forward, it only makes things worse. We have no choice as loving mum's to continue to be buffer's for our children because at the moment the societal systems we live in, for the most part, just don't 'get' SR.

I often wonder if my daughter had the opportunity to be in touch with other school refusers on a forum if that would help? It's something a group of us could think about setting up in future? It would have to have good, well thought out guidelines and be well moderated but our kids being able to know they are not alone in their struggles and share with others who totally 'get it' may be an important part of the puzzle for them?

I hope you can feel the huge hug I am sending over to you. Klarity :)

Hi Clarity,

Thanks for your reply. Sorry to hear how up and down you are too - I know exactly how you feel. Hope your day is on ok one today for you.
Now my son is saying he doesn't want to go tomorrow but because his dad picks him up and takes him he is begging to be picked up early. But I've been there, done that and he just took advantage of it - well at least I think that is what happened. I can't tell if he is going through a bad patch or just giving in because there seems to be an opportunity to do so. He seems to get teased every day by the kids he hangs out with. He has not been able to specify exactly but yesterday he said they laugh when he contributes to the conversation. He said they know nothing that he knows about - they have never heard of any British comedians (I think my son was meant to be born in UK!!) and don't seem to have watched any of the shows he has seen or general knowledge about the world and don't follow soccer. So to avoid laughter, he withdraws. How sad - he must feel awful. I just wish other kids were not like this. Hard to know what to do and say that will help.

We just have to plough on, don't we!
The idea of kids talking to each other sounds good. Only thing is that I am too tired out to put any effort into such a thing. There was a site set up by two girls who suffered from SR - I am not sure if it is still going. My son would not want to talk to anyone, I don't think. The site below was set up for kids - but the last posts were about 2008 although Simon, who set up this site sent a post in 2010. Hard to monitor and if kids don't keep replying to each other it just stops. Have a look below anyway.
http://www.freewebs.com/scared-of-school/links.htm

Hope your day is ok. We are at the end of ours. Tomorrow is another day - I will try and stay positive.
Take care,
Linda xx

Hi Linda and Clarity

It seems like our situations are really taking their toll on all of us at the moment. Linda I feel so much for your son. It sounds as though he is a very bright boy and his interests are obviously a lot more varied than those of his friends. It is sad that these children feel the need to belittle your son just because he is interested in the world at large. As I have said before our children sound very much alike and my son has always found it hard to "fit in" with any one group of children. He has always found children his own age quite immature I think!

We had a pretty tough weekend. On Friday S refused to see the psychiatrist so my husband went to the appointment instead. I had been giving my husband quite a hard time recently but all credit to him he came out of work and spent an hour talking to her. He thought she was wonderful and she promised him that she would get our son "well". In her words his mind is broken and she is going to fix it! That's provided he will let her! He was adamant that he was feeling a little better and that he would go to the cinema at the weekend, etc. All started well with him coming to my mums on Friday afternoon (something he hasn't done since July!) and she was thrilled. On Saturday afternoon and evening he was obviously feeling anxious about Sunday and when he woke up on Sunday morning he was in a terrible state! He was so upset because he wanted to go so much but was panic stricken thinking about the journey and about sitting in the cinema. He was sobbing and so we made the decision he would text his friend and tell her he wasn't well enough to go. She was fine about it and once the pressure had been lifted from him he relaxed. I worry that he only has a couple of girls he can ask to go anywhere with him and if he keeps putting them off they will forget about him.

The psychiatrist is due to visit him at home on Thursday (something he is dreading!) and she intends to increase his medication. She told my husband that once the meds are increased he should feel considerably better in about 3-4 weeks but that the whole process (with therapy) will take about 9 months!

I am hoping he will get some school work done today as he has so much to catch up with.

Don't you feel like you are just existing at the moment rather than living? We just have to take each day as it comes.

Love and hugs to all of you xx