Hi guys,

It's a long time since I've been here. My son has refused to go to school since half way through year seven, he has missed the whole of year 8 and would be in year 9 now. We were very lucky with our CAMHs team, and have, since Sep had our son in an edcuation centre that is linked to the hospital that cares for children with emotional and behavioural difficulties. The school (which has ten pupils approx only four of which are day pupils - my son is one) is like a dream, it is everything that my son needs, caring, small, focussed, understanding, you name it. BUT.....he can only be there for max a year and they are already saying that he has to return to mainstream school. This has thrown us completely as I just can't see him coping, and dread that we will go back to where we were before, the scenario that so many of you know so well, withdrawal, anxiety, refusing to get up, hostility at home - the gamut basically.

So what do I do? I am looking at all the local secondary schools - but not one of them can offer what he is getting at this school. Is homeschooling my only option? We don't have the funds for private tuition. A rhetorical question I guess, but why aren't the specialist schools in the education system for our kids? I know that what he gets at his current education centre ACTUALLY WORKS.

I am not really expecting answers I just feel so monumentally depressed today about it all, I can't face doing anything, and came on here just to reconnect with the people who understand what I am going through.

Love to you all,


Juliet
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Juliet - we had exactly the same, the centre that my son attended was only for a short period of time and i know how you feel. He was settle, attending progressing and happy then we were hit with the bomb shell it's not forever !!

It was quite obvious that my son was not ready to go back into mainstream school and with the support of CAMHS the alternaitve was a home tutor which was paid for by the school ( i never deregistered him ) Initially we were offered i think about 3 hours per week, then 5 then more after i went to see my local MP who i have to say was a super star and sorted it within 3 days.

My son studied English Maths the Sciences and Art so the curriculum was limited but to was great for him and his tutor was wonderful and understood my son's problems ( he also taught me 30 years ago !!) and he even took one of his exams in our kitchen !!

Is your son stil on the school role ? what do CAMHS think about the situation ?

Sorry i'm not much help but i do sympathise i really do.

Revisiting this site from time to time really upsets me, because i know what you are all going though and how upsetting and distressing it is.

Take care of yourself and the family

Sarah x

Sarah,

Thank you for your response, this place is a real help. My son is still registered at the school that he refused to go to and we have stated categorically he will not go back there. I have asked for a meeting with the integration officer who deals with the "Hard To Place" children - a term that has been used several times in front of my son - that is their official name for them!!! - and of course he reacts badly to that.

I like your idea of getting the MP involved, but I guess my sadness is that for the first time in nearly two years he was going out of the house, mixing with, albeit a small group, of other children and seeing a variety of teachers, doing music, art, ping pong, gardening, cookery - he has bloomed there. I will not let him go back into a harsh environment again but I just wish he could stay where he is - he is studying hard, cheerful and this week even combed his hair (for those of you who have school refusers with haircare refusal you'll know what a big step that was!!).

I will let you know what happens with integration, but you know, the first thing she says is can you come over to us (over 40 minutes drive) and I'm sure it will be fine for him to miss school...hello? Don't they have any idea how hard it was to get him to go in the first place? A day off can set in place several more days of refusal *sigh.

Anyway, thank you xxxx

Juliet

Hi Juliet,

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. It is just crazy that they only allow one year. The system needs to change to accommodate more children, if that is why your son is being pushed out. I can understand how worried you must be. Is there no smaller school at all he could attend? The tutoring that Sarah mentions sounds like it might be the way to go - or try home schooling (is that an option for you?).

It must have been so nice to see your son progressing. I really hope you can get some answers soon so that you feel able to continue with his progress. I am glad you came back on here as we do all understand what you are going through. And yes - i remember at a place where they had counselling for school refusers and we could only book in during the day. When I explained that if I got my son to school, the last thin I wanted was to take him out again- they just didn't seem to comprehend. I think perhaps they were dealing mostly with kids that didn't go at all.

Can your son continue with the friendships whilst having tutoring or being home schooled? If you could somehow keep some link with the program that would really help. They seem to think kids can just swap and change and its that same old attitude of 'kids will survive' I think that keeps coming up despite the fact that our kids are obviously not those who do!!
Take care and I am sure something will work out for you. Keep posting on here though - we are here to give support and someone else might also have some ideas or already been down the same path as you.
All the best,
Linda xx

Hi, Juliet,
What a tragedy that when you finally find something that works so well you can only have temporary access. I suspect that there are many children in secondary schools who are more suited to a smaller, more friendly environment but it won't be seen as a cost effective model in the state sector.

Regarding large senior schools, I actually think it's getting harder to reach helpful agreements for SR children due to changes in how absences are recorded and judged. Sarah, I wonder if the situation you had where you were able to resist deregistering your son and access a home tutor would be available now. Two of my 3 sons have had severe attendance problems (one purely through illness, the other through illness leading to the development of school refusal type problems). The oldest one was able to manage an average of 30 - 40% attendance and be supported with work being sent home and marked by staff. All meetings at school were about supporting his education at this time rather than examining his attendance statistics. He was able to keep up to date, reintegrate into school and do well enough to go onto college and university.The youngest one (now Yr 9) has admittedly had much more time off but as soon as he started this school meetings with them focussed obsessively on attendance and getting any work sent home for him was a continuing struggle (at this time he was "just" suffering from a physical illness so any prejudices about school refusal had not yet come into play). The whole atmosphere was different leaving me feeling that all the "every child matters" was out of the window and my that my son existed mainly as a unit of attendance data requiring improvement. Whatever, agreements we tried to make always had the threat of involving Attendance Officers (formerly EWO). At least once a year, from starting in Yr 7, we were asked if we would like to take our son out of school and home educate him. This year some of his absences were treated as "unauthorised" even though we had medical evidence that he was ill. It was hard to believe it was the same school.What had changed? As far as I could tell the main changes were in the OFSTED criteria by which schools are judged and the increase in senior management posts so that one person became the "Attendance Tzar" and due to the pressures the school was under, this role took presidence over any understanding of special needs. We ended up feeling that the school did not really want him unless he could sort out his physical/mental health problems.

We have ended up deregistering him from his local state school and enrolling in an online school. I don't know if this would be any good for your son, Juliet, or if it would be affordable for you, but it is certainly cheaper than private education. What it doesn't do, of course, is get children out of the house and socialising with others but we're hoping to do that outside of a school setting. In your son's case, as Linda, suggests, he could keep in contact with children from the hospital school, although I accept that isn't as easy once attendance has ended. What do the hospital school say? Do all their children manage to get back into mainstream education? They and CAMHS will know if there are any other possibilities in your area. I really hope this has a positive outcome for you both.

Leah, that was really useful, and upsetting to read. Does anyone feel we would have a stronger voice if we acted in unison? Or are all our situations too unique to have a coherent voice? How many of us are there out there I wonder?

We just seem increasingly to be square pegs and it just doesn't make sense as I know that these children who the schools find so hard to deal with are certain to have so much to contribute given the right environment. It seems to me that schools are becoming more and more streamlined and less capable of accommodating difference. What makes me laugh is that back in the 70's I went to a Grammar School and was totally unable to cope with the rules and regs so they accommodated me! This blue stocking, trad school let me wear what I wanted (within reason) turned a blind eye when I couldn't face coming in and just didn't try to make me conform. End result: got through my A levels and off to Uni, not without some blips but they did it. Not sure if it would have worked so well for me now.

Back to my son: I am now certain that if the right school is not available I will not accept him returning to mainstream education. I wish I could win the lottery then I would immediately set up a school for school refusers (if that doesn't sound like a contradiction in terms!).

Apart from that I just don't know where we'll go from here, I am glad to be back on the forum (sorry that the answers to my post seem to be appearing as separate threads is that me?). It is only here that I feel I can face what has happened to us, outside of this environment I try to keep it together, honestly, when I go on here the tears just pour, partly for myself and partly for all of you, for us, for what we go through.

I will keep you updated and love to everyone,

Juliet
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Hi Juliet and Leah,

I think you are right about schools becoming more streamlined and not taking into account 'differences'. It is also interesting from my perspective as I started teaching in the mid 80s and the whole approach was 'mixed ability classrooms' and we were taught how to teach to all their differences. Generally many kids are the same- so it was really only a handful that needed accommodating - and that is what we did. I sometimes made up a slightly different assignment or asked a kid only to complete part of something - or got the child to give me answers orally if they had trouble writing/reading etc. We were very flexible teachers back then (not all were though!) and then the trend from governments world wide went backwards - treat everyone the same (unless you have a specific registered disability and then you might ....might get a teacher aide).
I have been told frequently that my son has to do what all the other kids do. Why? Why is it also that so many individual teachers are like this and not trying to work outside the system? Or is it that anxiety is such a non specific 'ailment' that they are not able to recognise any symptoms of this type of anxiety? Is our society mocking those who have anxiety? Are we saying they are just going to have to put up with the way things are? There seems to be a lot of mixed messages out there about mental illness and I don't think teachers are given any guidance on this. In some respects a school should have such a good welfare program that it tells the teachers what they should and shouldn't do with such a child - it should not be left up to the teachers - who in all fairness are trying to teach a subject as well.
But our welfare systems seem to be only for those who fall completely through the holes - which is too late.
They talk about 'early intervention' for autism - I guess it will take a lot longer (and it took a long time for anyone to listen about autism) to make others sit up and listen to us and not only help our children but also look into what might be causing this.

Sorry - I raved on a bit there!!
Good luck to both of you - and Juliet - I do hope something turns up very soon.
Linda xx