school refusers


a resource for parents 


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School Refusal
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There IS hope

Happy New Year everyone.
I just wanted to stop by and say hello. My heart goes out to you all as I've been where you are.
This lovely site saved my life a few years ago when my daughter suffered with school attendance.
I just wanted to let you know that my daughter only went to school for year 7, half of year 8, half of year 9 and nothing after that and although it ended with her only receiving 5 hours a week home tuition for 6 months in year 11, she managed to get enough GCSE's to get to college where she studied Art and Design. I feel the art was a way of her dealing with her feelings.
My daughter had a few problems at the end of the two years at college with her attendance but she STILL managed to get a place at University, where she is now studying Music Management - Artist Development.
She loves it! Now she is older she can deal with her feelings and if the black cloud comes over her she stays way from Uni for the day but more often than not she attends, mainly because she loves it!
Who'd have thought it? She says she feels she finally 'fits in' as no one knows about her past and still doesnt understand why she felt the way she did about school.
So what Im saying is - its not easy, get through it whatever way you can (our professionals were very unhelpful they often told my daughter she would never make anything of herself - cheek!) dont push your young ones too hard, give them the space they need - small steps.
Your youngsters WILL get there I promise, they may just take another route.
Love to you all.
Sue and M. xx

Re: There IS hope

Thanks Sue, I can so relate to all you have shared - my daughter is where yours once was (currently year 9), she also hopes to go to art college - she also gets told by educators that her opportunities are running out, she won't be able to make anything of her life if she doesn't act now etc etc. The pressure on her is huge, it drives me nuts but if I don't follow their rules I am made to look like an enabler! Today when I stuck up for her at one point the SC told me I was being 'sucked back in' Grrrrrrrrrr!

So good to know that life does improve down the line. Small steps as you say - my d takes one and then they want more and more right away, what is it with these professionals that they can't do step by step slowly?

Thanks so much for sharing, great to know your daughter is happy in her life now and has found a place she feels she belongs

Re: There IS hope

Hi there,
Just found this website after searching desperately for some help. I have had a letter today from the Education Welfare Service about my son's lack of attendance at school. He is in Year 11 and his attendance had been erratic in Year 9/10, but at the start of Year 11 he seemed to be getting it together and went in most days. However, since November he hasn't been at all and I am despairing at what to do. He has never been bullied but is very sensitive in relationships and takes things to heart. He also suffers majorly with insomnia, which make him listless and shattered, so too tired to get up for school. As he is 16, it is impossible to physically get him up and I have to be in work for 8am, so am not there until 2pm most days , by which time the school day is nearly over!
I am a single mum and apart from my 2 daughters(his sisters) there is nobody really who we can use to help - my own mum has been unwell and had major surgery recently and my sister works full-time. I have a meeting at the school tomorrow, but am still wary as to whether my son will keep up any agreements made with them regarding attendance, as they don't seem particularly interested in the reasons for his non-attendance, more so the fact that he has missed lots of work/exams. I am so worried as he is a very bright lad, very caring and has very definite career plans, but just seems 'lost' - he was on course for mostly A's or even A*s at GCSE. I know it's not the end of the world if he ends up with few or even no GCSEs, as there are always other options next year (college for resits, etc), but it is the apparent lack of help from the school and today's Education Welfare letter that are more worrying, as I don't feel it is fair if I am fined and I could not afford to pay it anyway.
If anyone has any help or suggestions, please feel free to mention
Thank you

I have the T shirt

Mandy,
Most of here have been there, done it and have the T shirt. From this, I want you to understand that you are not alone. Yours son is not the first boy to have experienced the difficulties of getting himself to school.

You immediate concern is your meeting tomorrow. You need to prepare for this. Do not go in feeling guilty. Be ready to challenge what is said; have your records of what has been said and done before between you and the school; ask for a copy of the school's and/or local authority policy on responding to school refusers (not truanting); emphasise the need for both the school and yourself to work together to help him overcome his difficulties.

Be careful not to over emphasise your personal situation and difficulties. The law does not recognise these as a barrier to getting our children into school.

At the meeting, check who is taking the minutes, and when you can expect to see them. Take notes yourself. Consider copying key bits of your notes back to the school, showing what you understand what they have agreed to do, and what you have agreed to do.

Does this all sound a bit business like? Well, it is!

Mandy, I understand that this is a stressful time for you both (and for your daughters), but we are all here for you, so let us know how it all goes.

Oh! One last point. When you go in and someone asks how you are, don't say 'Fine'! tell them as it is. Good luck.

Simon

Re: I have the T shirt

Hi Mandy,

So glad you found us on this site. Simone has given you some very good advice for your meeting. Please let us know how it goes. You are not alone - there are so many of us who understand your situation so well and know how stressful it is. There is a tendency for the authorities to lay the blame at our feet (so good advice from Simon too as to not bring your home issues into the fore when discussing your son with the school). We come from all walks of life on here and whilst many of us are single parents (I am one too) there are also many families with two parents. There is no one recipe for school refusal - and the school and authorities are the ones who do not have the understanding. They do not know the stress it puts you under (this is something that yes you can let them know about as you are doing all you can).

When you get the chance - read up as much as you can about School Refusal anxiety and check out the resources on this website (under resource listings). The more you have to throw back at the school - the stronger you will feel.
Stay in touch and let us know how you feel...
Take care
Linda xx

Re: There IS hope

Hi Sue,

It is so wonderful to hear from you after all this time...I am so thankful for your wonderful support those years back when in tears I stumbled on this site. Thank you.
And to hear the story of your daughter now ....who would have thought. It is so wonderful that she is able to pursue what she wants and is now at university. Also good to hear that she is now able to cope with those days when the dark cloud comes over. You must be so proud of her. And well done to yourself - you knew you were on the right track even if it was a different road than so many others.
Take care Sue - thank you for updating us.
Linda xx

Re: I have the T shirt

Hi Linda (also thanks to Simon!)

Many thanks for your advice, it is very reassuring to know you are not the only one and that it's not a failure on your part as a parent.
My eldest daughter is coming with me for the meeting, as she is very close to her brother and 'looks after' me! She will take notes and take in things that I may miss and will be there to back me up, as it were.
I will keep you updated on the outcome and again, many many thanks!

Re: I have the T shirt

Hi Mandy,

How did the meeting go?

Linda

Re: There IS hope

Hi sue.

So lovely to hear that your daughter is doing so well. Like you say there is hope and we should never give up. As I have said on a previous post my own daughter who is a yr 9 pupil and has missed 12 months of school (she has had a home tutor since Easter last year) is now going into school for a double lesson every week. Her tutor goes with her and she isn't ready yet to go alone or to add another subject but she is getting there slowly. If this is all she ever manages then that is fine because she is so happy and proud of herself (and so are we) . As you say it doesn't mean that they won't make anything of themselves and schools are so unfair putting this pressure on our kids by saying this as it is exactly this pressure that can cause them the anxiety in the first place.

Simon, excellent advice for Mandy.

Mandy, welcome to the site, I know that feeling of discovering that you are not alone and I wish I had found all these wondeful supportive people who understand a lot sooner than I did as I really believed that my child was the only one that this had happended to. I hope your meeting went well. Always stay strong and never be frightened to question and disagree with the so called experts, they are not as expert as they think they are.

Take Care everyone

Sue xx

Re: There IS hope

Hi Sue and Linda, thanks for your replies. We did not get to the meeting on Friday - just as we were about to leave my neighbour's son came round to tell me his dad had died the previous day, so as you can imagine this was a bit of a shock, although he was in his 80s and had been ill, I was very upset about it. I rang the school to leave a message and have tried ringing again today and left messages, but nobody got back to me, so I am no further forward. I will let you know how/when it goes though,
Many thanks all, really appreciate the concern and understanding :)