Oh thank you to whoever set up this forum.
I have just found this website after dealing with SR for the last 4 years. My daughter is now 12yrs and was unable to attend school today after the Christmas holidays.
We have had lots of help including CBT, MST and Satellite Tutoring, but our battle continues and my daughter despairs that whatever intervention is offered, it does not make school attendance any easier. When she does attend the teachers believe she is fine (because she suppresses her feelings when at school) but then she comes home angry and exhausted and refuses to attend the next day.
I am sorry to hear there are others going through the same thing, but comforted to discover that my daughter is not totally unique. I had never come across SR prior to our experiences and no-one I know knows of anyone else refusing school. I now feel not so alone and I can relate to all the messages and emotion in these posts. I will make use of all the links and information posted in these discussions.
THANK YOU

Hi Jacqui and welcome to our little group on here -

Sorry to hear that you have been going through this in isolation (I think most of us have been in that position too). Simon set the site up a few years ago as his daughter was suffering from school refusal (now at college). So there is light at the end of the tunnel. This forum has been a life saver for me and I hope it really helps you too. Just knowing, as you say, that you are not alone, can make an enormous difference. When my son first had these symptoms, I also knew no one else and thought we were both going crazy. This place has kept me sane : )

Is your daughter still at primary school or is she now at secondary school? What is MST?
My son has just started taking medication as you would probably have read on the posts (he is 13). He has had SR since he was 6. Now that we are on holidays, he is a different kid. Like you - I know when the holidays finish it will be a different story, but I am hoping that the medication will have kicked in by then. The psychiatrist has told me that we might have another two years of this before we see any real change as my son has to become motivated to want to help himself get better. She said that CBT won't work unless he is prepared to take it on board. So there is a maturity issue as well. Something we will have to come back to later I guess.

It is such a strain on us as parents, isn't it. I hope you can find lots of information on the forum to help and support you and if you just feel like venting your frustration and anger - there is always someone to listen.
Take care and stay in touch -
Linda

Hi Linda

Thanks for your kind words. My daughter is in second year secondary school (she is 12 yrs) and it all started at primary school when she was about 8yrs. She has changed secondary school in an attempt for a new start but that has not been successful. I am coming round to the idea of medication and will discuss this it an appointment with a psychologist next Monday (although this has never been offered).

MST is being trialed in the UK at the moment. It stands for multi-systemic therapy and is a parent focused therapy. A therapist visits the home three times a week for 5 months and explores the triggers to the problem behaviour and teaches how to maintain a trusting relationship with your child whilst being consistent with boundaries, rules and consequences.
I found the theory very similar to what I had already read in a book by Sam Cartwright Hatton, Coping With an Anxious or Depressed Child, but was finding it difficult to put it in to practice.

I think consistency with rules and consequences can work where children are simply not towing the line, but I feel that the MST therapist did not account for other factors such as anxiety / depression / learning difficulties, so MST on its own cannot work in this case.

A year down the line the rules and consequences plan is still not working as the difficulties R is facing is greater than the consequences of losing pocket money and having privileges confiscated. We are still sticking to it though.

Every 6 months we fill in a questionnaire to report back to the MST researchers how we are getting on. Only 50% of those identified as potential to benefit from MST get the therapy and the theory is that after 18 - 24 months a conclusion will be drawn as to whether those that received the therapy have had a better outcome than those that did not (presumably if results show its worthwhile it will be rolled out to all). Unfortunately I feel that answering the questions in the questionnaire is quite restrictive and does not pick up on lots of things I would like to feed back. Not sure how successful the research will be?

I'd be interested to hear of your experiences with medication. I understand it can take a while to find the right one, right dose etc.. and you may have a period of trial and error which can be difficult to go through (and easy to give up I would imagine) I hope you have some success.

Best wishes

Jacqui

Hi Jacqui,

Interesting. It sounds a bit like much of the help that comes our way - they are working on the consequences and the 'if you do this....you get that' attitude - but as you have found - this starts breaking down the worse our kids get.
I have found a star chart system that has been recommended to me on a few occasions does not work. Whether this is to do with me as a parent or my child might be hard to tell but as far as I can see - my son does not care at the time of feeling extremely anxious, whether he ever gets to go on computer again or gets something else. He couldn't care less - he is so consumed by his feelings.

Your daughter sounds young to be in Year 8. Has she always been on the younger end or did she skip a class? Are you able to get work sent home for her when she doesn't attend? How cooperative is the school? Does your daughter seem to want to do school work or is she blocking it all out? Like me - you have had a long road of this and there does come a time (and despite my opposition for many years to medication) where you have to wonder what they are doing to their brains stuck in this rut of anxiety and depression anyway - so medication might just lift them into a better place where they can then start to work on these strategies that we find don't quite work at the moment.

It is early days with us for medication. It has now reached the two week mark (full tablet just this last week). Hard to tell if something has changed yet because we are still on holiday. He takes a very long time to swallow the tablet (broken into four bits) but he is now taking it rather than rejecting it. I think he was afraid.
Time will tell.
Good luck with your daughter. ANd take some time out for yourself. The post that Clarity just brought up again that refers to the books by Christopher Kearney might be worth checking out. I thought I had bought the parents workbook but turns out it was just sitting in the cart going no where. (Ha....we have so much on our minds, don't we!).
all the best -
Linda

Welcome Jacqui (and hi Linda)

I've just caught up on your interesting conversation about MST, boundaries and consequences etc. It is all very similar for us too - professionals seem to think this is completely a behavioural problem with my daughter (she is in year 9 - 12yrs old and refusing for almost 1 year after longterm bullying). Truth is she doesn't care about losing out on money or material things etc, she is socially isolated anyway and so taking away outings, cinema etc has no effect either. If anything she sees these kind of things as a challenge not a reward.

Linda my workbook by Christopher Kearney hasn't arrived yet but I am eagerly awaiting it. If either of you are interested the self report and parent report questionnaires are here http://www.jfponline.com/Pages.asp?AID=4322 just scroll down to table 4 and 5 if you click on resources here there is a live link called 'A physicians guide'. These questionnaires are really helpful in assessing what the underlying cause of the refusal is which have four main reasons:-

1. To avoid school-based stimuli that provokes a sense of negative affectivity (i.e. social anxiety)

2. To escape aversive social or evaluative situations (i.e performing in front of others)

3. To pursue attention from significant others (wanting to be with parent etc)

4. To pursue tangible reinforces outside of school such as sleep, tv, computer etc.

My daughter's and my reports come out as highest scores to lowest (1) (2) (3) (4). Her main reasons for avoidance of school are the top two reasons not the bottom two. School and social professionals are treating us as a family for 3 & 4 and ignoring 1 and 2. As a result of this I put too much focus on 3 & 4 to try and dance to their tune - it has no effect and so they exert more pressure on me to discipline my child. Meanwhile my daughter's emotional needs go completely unmet by any of us

Clear as day to any parent in this situation and sadly clear as mud to the majority of professionals dealing with our families. My daughter's school counsellor told me yesterday 'your daughter is an enigma'. It won't be like this for family's 10 years down the line from now but it is hell for us at the moment.

Jacqui I only recently joined this forum too and was delighted to meet others who totally 'get it'. Validation and support go along way to helping us keep our heads above water and keep pushing for the right support for our children