school refusers


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School Refusal
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Any suggestions

My daughter has been off school this week, (usual breakdown in progress after a school holiday).
In accordance with our rewards and consequences plan, all IT has been confiscated. I am trying to keep some kind of routine getting up in the morning, having breakfast, doing something productive to keep the mind active etc... However, daughter will not co-operate, she explains she feels unfairly punished with the removal of privileges and has nothing to do now, so she has no desire to get out of bed (despite her experience that this leads to long lonely nights when she cannot sleep).
Her grandma is an artist and has asked R if she would like to help her with an art project based on school refusal and using some Justin Bieber lyrics as a foundation / starting point for ideas and inspiration (R is a big fan). R is refusing to get involved and has skulked back to bed.
Does anyone have advice on how to keep a child active when not attending school?
Thanks, in anticipation
Jacqui

Re: Any suggestions

Hi Jacqui

I struggle with this problem with my daughter too. I haven't gone down the road of taking away IT because I am pretty confident that rewards are not the reason she is refusing school - her reasons for refusal are emotionally based and until all the team supposed to be helping her put their focus there, she is not going to get better.

Did you see the questionnaires I linked to in your other thread? If you are interested to take them you could print out the child self assessment and then the parent questionnaire - sit down with your daughter and complete them. Then add up your scores for each function/reason for SR. and compare your scores.

These questionnaires were developed by Christopher Kearney the leading expert in SR and you can pass the results on to professionals pointing out where your daughters main reasons lie. If she is like my daughter the functions of attention seeking to be with parent and the function of positive tangible reinforcements out of school have the lowest scores for both my d and myself, yet all the professionals focus on is these two areas. Meanwhile the two ignored functions of escape from negative effect at school and escape from aversive social and evaluative situations at school are completely ignored.

We both took the test back in November and again just today apart from a very slight reduction in her main two function areas, the second test scores do not vary greatly from the first which shows treatments employed so far have not been successful.

The interest in taking the tests with your daughter at the same time will give you both a focus and maybe some discussion time and perhaps show her more clearly that you are doing your very best to understand how she really feels and to pass that information on to school/therapists etc.

I'm happy to share/compare results with anyone who would like to.

Clarity

Re: Any suggestions

Hi Clarity

I did do the test today, in fact I went through the whole report and highlighted sections and added my thoughts as comments. I'm thinking of taking this to our meeting with psychologist on Monday. My response to the parent questionnaire resulted that (1) =29, (2) = 17, (3) = 19 and (4) = 5

Avoidance of the fear of school is the primary driver.

We are continuing removal of privileges as instructed for school refusal, so (4) was the lowest score.

(3) was the second highest because two of these questions asked if she prefers to be with parents than at school and despite our consequences she would prefer to be home with us and face the consequences and despite being a very sociable girl, she would still prefer to be home schooled than attend school.

I agree with you in that I feel the consequences are harsh when she is already suffering, but if I did not stick with what MST told us to do, the "team" would conclude that we (the parents) are the reason R is refusing school because we are allowing her to dictate to us.

This questionnaire will be a very good tool for me to demonstrate that we have done all we can and the problem is NOT behavioural.

I strongly believe that the teaching of MST makes no consideration for depression and anxiety. I think that MST is more widely taught to parents of children who are going truant and hanging out with the wrong kids, getting in to trouble outside etc.. The school EWO has said to me that it is her opinion that because we have been given MST the problem must be within the home (so she clearly misunderstands the situation). However, a book I have about dealing with an anxious child does recommend rewards and consequences so the child is clear about expectations and boundaries.

I have explained to my daughter that she should not see it as a punishment, but it is a consequence; similar to someone not getting paid if they don't turn up for work.

I will see if I can get R to do her questions tomorrow but today is not a good day.

Take care of yourselves

Jacqui

Re: Any suggestions

Hi Clarity and Jacqui,

Thanks Clarity for posting the questionnaire - I haven't done it with my son yet - but will do.

Jacqui - there are many posts on here going right back to 2010 when the site first started and parents believe that taking away technology does not help because it is punishing the child for something they cannot help. And this is what some of the authorities/specialists fail to see. You are right - some treatment seems to assume our kids are being naughty and by staying home have all the things they want at their fingertips and so they should be removed.

Our psychiatrist said there was not point taking away the technology as it was not giving the right message. The psychologist on the other hand, said that on the days he stays home I should remove everything I possibly can so that it becomes so boring that he wants to go to school. But when I did try this years ago - he just became very depressed.
I think to some degree many specialists these days do not actually realise what technology is to children/teenagers. It is not just an expensive toy for them - it is more than that (no matter what we might think of it). I am sure they will come to realise that but meanwhile as parents it is very hard for us when we are being told one thing but we know it just makes our child feel worse about themselves and doesn't get them back to school.
My son also uses the technology to communicate with others -w hether on-line friends or real friends who happen to be on-line. I think it is vital that he keeps up this communication.

It sounds like you are a bit stuck with the MST therapy. But perhaps if you speak out you might find other parents do too. Let them know about this forum and that you know from other parents going through the same thing that removing technology does not work and makes the teenager more depressed.

Your mum sounds like a wonderful creative lady and with great ideas. Perhaps your daughter is fed up with everyone focusing on school refusal? Perhaps your mum could focus more on self esteem - the things your daughter likes - rather than the negatives? Perhaps that might motivate her more?
Does your daughter have friends at the school? Is it possible to get her to meet up with one for short time and even then go into school with them rather than you or however else she gets to school?
My son was much better at getting to school when we arranged for him to meet the friend and they walked to school together. That all feel apart when the friend went away on holidays for four months but my son did manage to try and keep going to school.

Sorry - have no direct answers - but certainly something we have all faced and tried in some form over time.
LEt us know how you get on,
Linda

Re: Any suggestions

Hi All

Jacqui - I agree with Linda that taking away your daughter's computer is punishing her for something that she really can't help and hasn't got any control over. To think that by making it so dull at home they will want to go back to school is a little too simplistic.

We have had brilliant treatment from CAMHS and our doctor - none of whom have ever suggested taking away any of my son's privileges. In fact, they all think that his home life should be as comfortable as possible for him and that he should feel as happy and secure as possible there. He suffers from severe social anxiety which has led to his school refusal. We have accepted the fact that he will not be going back to school and will be studying for his GCSE's at home and the psychiatrist and psychologist both agree that our aim should be to get him socialising and happy again without putting the pressure of school back on his shoulders.

We all deal with SR and our children's anxiety in our own ways but I just think that they are suffering so much at such a young age. I also agree with Linda that when they aren't going to school the computer is a lifeline for them and in our situation it is the only social interaction that my son has with other young people. I know this is a sad situation, but at the moment we are just going along with it!

My son had his first CBT session today and he was inconsolable for about 2 hours before she arrived. He was fine with her whilst she was here and although he is now exhausted he is sitting in his room chatting with some people on line, and has agreed to see her again next week.

I wish the very best for both you and your daughter - no-one understands the desperation we feel with our children unless they have been in our situation. Good luck!

Re: Any suggestions

Hi Kathy

Thanks for your response. I'm interested to hear you have made the decision to educate your Son at home. Have you been offered any support for this or is this something you have had to arrange and finance yourself?
We are considering home schooling at this stage but hesitant because all the advice out there seems to warn against allowing them to avoid school. We feel though, that after 3 years of struggle our daughter is not getting an education at school.

Kind regards
Jacqui

Re: Any suggestions

Jacqui - there are a few other parents on here from last year and year before who home schooled. You might want to do a search and see what turns up - depends what they put in their subject I think.
If there are other siblings - it seems that it is probably a better situation than an only child (which is why I have not wanted to go down that road). But there are many home school networks that you can meet up with for activities during the day. Hopefully others can help you out a bit more here but you might want to start a new post with a question about home schooling.
All the best -
Linda

Re: Any suggestions

Hi Jacqui

"Home schooling" is probably as exaggeration of what we are doing at the moment. My son takes his GCSE's this year and so all we are doing is revising old work and doing practice exam papers. Our problem is trying to motivate him. He is so down at the moment which is making him feel as though he has no future and so it's therefore difficult for him to feel any motivation to work. On the other hand when we talk he says he wants a fulfilling job but just can't see that far ahead. He is very bright and it's heartbreaking for my husband and I. He was on course to do 13 GCSE's and was predicted A* - B for all of them. We have now had to reduce the number down to 8 because a lot of them require controlled assessments which have to be done under exam conditions and the school were not overly helpful with this. In fact when I sent an e mail into school this week to let them know that he would drop another two subjects because of the assessments involved I got an e mail back saying "Result!". I think this was sent to us by mistake!! The next one said "I understand what a difficult decision this has been for you but we feel it's probably best for S...........". They have arranged for him to take his GCSE's at home with an invigilator so that's one less thing to have to worry about, but they haven't exactly been overly helpful. They send the odd bit of work home but to be honest he just finds it so difficult to concentrate and they really don't understand.

The exam boards are equally unhelpful. I tried to speak to someone this week concerning my son's French GCSE and was passed from pillar to post. Although they can give them extra marks for illness, etc, our kids fall into the category where only 1% enhancements can be given and these are only awarded after the exam has been taken if they think it's appropriate! I asked them what could be done if my son wasn't able to get into school to finish his speaking element off and was basically told "nothing"!

It's all very stressful but we couldn't have carried on the way we were. Trying to get him to catch his bus on time every morning was wearing us all out. I would be crying every morning after he'd gone because we had all been shouting at each other. He would be crying in the car on the way to the bus stop and texting me from school really upset. He has since told me that he was sometimes eating his lunch in the toilets because he was so scared of going into the school canteen and there was nowhere else for him to go!!! I can't bear thinking about it!! So although it's still very hard for us to cope with I think it was the right thing to do! Time will tell!!

I read lots of threads on here about time being something that our kids need. Time to destress, etc.

My son has started having CBT sessions, he has had two to date.

This weekend has been a tough one. I came home from work yesterday lunchtime and he was in a really bad way. So we spent the afternoon sitting together talking and looking at some things on his computer and he calmed down, but I know he is so depressed and lonely. It's heartbreaking.

I hope you come to a decision that works for you and your family Jacqui. Always remember there are lots of us going through similar battles at the moment because I know it can feel so isolating.

Let me know how things are going xx

Re: Any suggestions

Hi Kathy,

IMy heart goes out to you - just getting through the exams without school issues seems so difficult too. I really hope the CBT starts to work for your son. Have you considered any medication for the depression? When the exams are over, you might find a much more relaxed boy who can handle things better.
So much for them to go through when they are so stressed. When you think about it - sitting all those exams - we just don't have to ever go through that again even if we choose university - there are never that many exams at once again. Why do we put our children through so much stress.
Sorry to hear the school has not been very helpful. Good that they are able to send someone to the house though.

Hang in there - you are doing all you can. I am sure things will get better once these exams are over. And if the exams don't work out - it is not the end of the world - your son might just find he has to get his self esteem back first and lift his depression and then take a different road than others.
Let us know how things go -
Linda xx