For perspective of where my family are at with all of this at the moment I will give a brief recap of our history:-

My youngest daughter was bullied through years 7 and 8 at a Catholic private girls school. The main ringleader was a very smart, disruptive and attention seeking girl, who over time manipulated a large peer group to turn against my d and do the bullying for her. In an 18month period, my d went from a gentle but happy girl to reclusive and suicidal. She had set personal boundaries with peers which were ignored and spoken up to school personnel about the issues and I backed her up all the way. Sadly, the school were not helpful in addressing the problem or setting adequate consequences for the girls who displayed the poor behaviour, passing off the relational aggression towards my d as 'normal' teen behaviour, labelling her as over sensitive & lacking resilience and me as overprotective. She began refusing school after last feb half term and I removed her shortly after with the support of our GP.

Even with letters of support from three professionals, trying to get her a place in a school where she has several trusted friendships was denied and she was given a place at a much larger school where she only has a few acquaintances. After the level of social rejection d had suffered, her levels of anxiety about starting the new school were through the roof. I tried to get a gradual reintroduction program set up but the support team at the school thought it best to throw her in at the deep end and see how she fared. It resulted in her regression into a similar state as she had been in during the bullying - poor eating, sleeping, social withdrawal and suicidal ideation. After that she attended one morning to sit her year 9 CATS but since then has firmly refused to attend school.

With one term passed and d still refusing into the start of this term, a multi agency support team (MAST) meeting was held on Friday which myself and d's father were not invited to attend. The team (CAMHS, Ed Psyche, EWO, SC, social worker & head of year) decided unanimously that this matter will now become a children's services investigation.

D went yesterday to stay with her dad and step mum for a week or longer to see if the change of scene and parenting style will help to get her into school next week. The school at least are ready to go at d's pace in a gradual reintegration program (something they should have been doing from the beginning). I am desperately in need of the respite and will be able to spend q time with my other daughter who has important exams coming up. I can also tune out of the SR topic for a while (after this post!)

Im not overly worried about the outcome of CPS being involved as there is a long, clear trail of all the things I have done to try and support my d through this and back into school - there will also be light shone on areas where the previous school and some support services have not fulfilled their roles. There have been professionals involved who I know will back me up all the way as a caring mum who has tried all avenues to support my child.

I don't even feel anger any more, its more along the lines of deep disappointment that there aren't more professionals out there who really 'get it' and who instead of piling on blame and more stress onto parents like us, would be able to know how to really help children and families like ours.

Thank goodness for this forum, knowing there are others out there just like me really helps. Keep standing up and speaking out and take all the authentic support you can find, and even with it, this path is so difficult.

Hi Clarity,

Hopefully you are not reading this right now and are taking that break that you promised yourself : )

You must be so frustrated with all the authorities and I can tell that they have taken you down that 'blame the parenting' road that is so terribly draining for us all. Hope you can gain strength during your break. As you say - you have done all the right things - so this should come out in any findings. Have you kept a record of all the things you have done? Simon was always encouraging us on here to keep a record of meetings , what was said in meetings and so on - as it is very useful at later stages. We are on a very stressful road and what is so misunderstood is that our stress is not just our concern for our children but also the fact that we constantly have to explain ourselves to authorities who just 'don't get it'. I would have thought that yourself and her father would need to be at that meeting. But perhaps they just have no idea where to go from here. You never know - you may end up with more support this way - but I would imagine there will be some questioning that takes you on that rocky road again. Stay strong.

Your advice and support to others on here is very much appreciated.
Take care,
Linda

Hi Linda

I couldn't do it, even on a break, I had to check the forum! Thanks so much for your supportive reply.

I have got a long detailed paper trail of letters and emails where I have also mentioned meetings and what transpired in them so that is pretty well covered. Also some notes with timeline of dates etc.

Her dad and I were originally invited to the meeting but because she still had not re-engaged with school this new term, they made it professional's only.

Good news though, D had a good weekend at her dad and step-mum's house (she has a toddler sister there too) and her dad got her into school this morning in her school uniform. He said she looked very anxious when he left her in the EWO's office, but we are hoping she will do at least a couple of hours.

I pray that this week with her dad will get her connecting with school and we have decided that if it goes well, she should stay there for a while longer. Myself and my other daughter are enjoying the break from the stress of it all and I am getting time to focus on jobs around the house that have been piling up.

Hopefully if d is taking steps forward, children's services will observe from a safe distance. I'm really not up for more scrutinies at this point but I guess we will hear from them this week.

I hope you are enjoying the holidays with your son and the heat isn't too unbearable? We are forecast for snow in this hemisphere

After a forward step yesterday where she managed to stay in the school building from 9am till 1pm, D is refusing to go in today. She phoned me from her dad's car sitting outside the school while he was inside speaking with her support team.

He just called at 12.30 to say he had just got her out of the car and into the EWO's office where she has agreed to sit so long as no-one talks to her anymore! Her dad has said he will continue to do this for as long as it takes. She was shivering with cold when she phoned me so my guess is she went in out of necessity to warm up after sitting in a cold car for 3 hours more than agreement to engage with school.

I hope this kind of strategy works I really do but I am quietly doubtful (I have to be quiet right now because as her only hands on defender, I am viewed as part of the problem) all I see and hear is a child who is becoming more traumatised and more shut down, a child who feels she isn't being heard or helped in the right way. It is so sad as Red Balloon have just offered their support via internet contact with D and she could do this from a safe place in the school. Kidscape have also got one day courses for kids who have been bullied but I cannot sign up to take her because it runs on a school day. (We need a plane journey to get to London).

When I push for the things that really will help my daughter, it is seen as unhelpful and interfering - keeping my distance while she gets traumatised further is very difficult to do

btw Linda my Parent workbook arrived, after a few days I'm going to start reading it through from cover to cover, i'm also going to order the therapists copy and pass it to the school counsellor telling her this is the program I am following at home and could she do what she can to support it therapeutically.

Hi Clarity,

Let us know how it progresses. My feeling is that in years to come they will change their attitude towards School Refusal (probably name it something else) and use different therapies than the 'force them' scenario they keep pushing on us and throwing much of the blame at the parents feet. Meanwhile...we have to plough on and try and fight our way through as well as look after the mental health of our kids.
Getting our kids back to school is our goal but there comes a point where if it isn't working, we have to find alternatives if we can.

My copies of the Kearney books were sitting in the basket on the website, going no-where. I must have got side tracked. Have ordered now and they should arrive next week.
Take care and at least you are having a break yourself : )
Linda
PS Forecast 39ºC tomorrow. Can you send us some of your snow...

Her dad has been successful in getting her into the school building each day. He is firmer in that way than I am, with him there is absolutely no room for any other choice. So for now she will continue living at her dad's home.

It's great that she is getting used to attending the school building but her emotional issues are not being addressed, she is still 'hiding' in learning support rooms or in personnel's offices. So it's a tick for attendance and a tick for some work getting done but her emotional needs are still going unmet - her levels of fear and anxiety in relation to peer interaction have not changed. I am very disappointed that therapeutic measures have still not been put in place to help her.

Aside from that, my other child and I are enjoying the break from the stress SR brings to a family. It's winter, dark and chilly but I am sleeping excessively even for this season. I think my body and mind just need rest and to recharge.

I hope others here are managing to find some respite time too? As defending parents we will just keep going and going until we burn out, it's so important to make time to rest before that happens.

Best wishes to all, Clarity