school refusers


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School Refusal
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Not sure..

Hi
Just stumbled across this site in a vain attempt to find ways to help my daughter.

My daughter has never been a huge fan of school and has had days off in primary school for sickness, when I'm not convinced she is as ill as she says. However last September she went up to secondary school and all was fine for a while but before the Christmas holidays the sick days started and after Christmas getting her to school has been a harrowing experience. At the moment I am driving her in and handing her to staff, amid claims of feeling sick, tears etc. I dread mornings! Its upsetting for both of us, as I'm not sure if she is genuinely ill or anxious.

She has seen a paeditrician who has tested for most things including some allergies, but nothing found.
He has since put her on Propranolol, mild, for anxiety. She has been on this for a week but no sign of improvement just yet.

Does this sound like school refusal or real illness, so hard to tell..
Any advice or tips would be of huge help.

Re: Not sure..

Hi Aimes,

Glad you found this site. Welcome. So sorry to hear what you are going through. It does sound like School Refusal- which as you know is anxiety based. It sounds like many of the stories you will hear about on here.
If you can get some help either via CAMHS or a private psychologist - that will assist. Try and read up as much as you can on School Refusal and browse through this site (There is also a resource list on this website). That way you can then present to the school the information you already know and ask what they can do to help.

There are many on this site that can help you too from their experience - so stay tuned and we will help you in any way we can. It must be so stressful for you and your daughter at the moment. Give her lots of hugs - she can't help the way she feels - and is probably feeling scared and isolated.
My son is on Luvox at the moment and it has taken about 3 weeks to have some effect. We don't start back at school down here until next week - so I have yet to see how it really effects him but he is happier than he has been in a long time - so my fingers are crossed. Propranolol - that is a Beta Blocka - isn't it? ( I Know I was prescribed it for migraines once). I remember being told at the time that it would take a few weeks before there was any effect. Obviously I was waiting for a different effect but I'd say the waiting period is still the same for these things to kick in.

Does she have friends at the school? Has there been any teasing or bullying that triggered any of this or non that you can see? is she a bright kid? Does she have sensitivity to over stimulus such as crowds, noise etc? Does she find it hard to initiate friendship/activities/going out? Does she feel anxious about a few things, not just school? Is she ok on a weekend but much worse Sunday nights? If she fits many of these things then she definitely does sound like she has School Refusal. It is a term we sometimes debate on here as to whether in fact it really describes our children. The main thing is not to let anyone lay any blame at your feet - or your daughters. You may need to seek advice from a psychologist (preferably the one who will deal with your daughter) regarding how best to deal with the situation in a morning and any other time. You need to also keep yourself strong.....do things for yourself....don't let this overtake you.

There is always someone on here to listen and help or just to be an ear for your frustration and ravings. We all help each other and support in any way we can. Take care and please come back and let us know how you are going - you are not alone....
best wishes,
Linda

Re: Not sure..

Hi Linda

Thank you so much for replying, it makes a huge difference to know that others have the same issues.
My daughter is on Propranolol for possible stomach migraines caused by anxiety.. fingers crossed they will help a little. She has good days when she goes in without trouble, then other days...
She seems to have a good circle of friends and is not bullied as far as I can tell but shes clearly anxious about things, although she says she doesn't know what makes her feel stressed.
She does say that crowds and noise within school makes her feel worse. She does have these feelings occasionally outside of school, restaurants etc but as you say they do seem to appear more severe on a Sunday evening, shes usually fine when home from school but once into bed starts to feel ill.

I will look into the links and suggestions you wrote about, and hopefully they will help. Its sad to read that some children have been unable to go to school for months and sometimes years, my daughters doesnt seem as bad with only the odd day a week missed.

Thanks again

Aimes

Re: Not sure..

Hi there - well i have to say Propranolol was amazing for my son - but it took about 1 month to start working and he was on it for 4.5 years - after while his dosage was upped and he himself managed in the end to come off them himself ( you have to do this very carefully and slowly ) and your story mirrors my sons. Good group of friends, very sensitive to crowds and noise and very uncomfortable in restaurants - the only difference he totally broke down and refused to go. BUT i now have a fantastic nearly 17 year old who is a joy. He has bad days and is still anxious at times but that's just they way he his and although he mananged less than 10 months thoughout the whole of his ssenior school years he still got his GCSE's and is now waiting to start training as a youth worker - get him!

I know it is easier said than done but please don't get upset ( i was the Queen of tears ) it's not the end of the world ( although it seems like it ) you will get there and she will be fine.

Stay strong and keep talking - and if she is managing to go in some days thats great.

Stay in touch

Sarah xx

Re: Not sure..

Sarah - great to hear from you. And training to be a youth worker - how fantastic is that!
You have been through such hard years with your son - it must be so nice for both of you to feel that school is now far behind you. I wish him and you all the best - you did a fantastic job as a mum and you hung in there (with the tears) and got through the other side. Well done.

With the Propranolol - that is a beta blocker, isn't it? I knew that your son had had a beta blocker but I actually don't know that I ever knew it was propranolol - as I mentioned - having taken for my migraines (sadly didn't work for me)
All the best to you and your family,
Linda xx

Re: Not sure..

Aimes - just thinking about your daughter having possible stomach migraines. I would have thought she might be a bit old for stomach migraines now? I am well read on the topic of migraines - having had them most of my life and unfortunately my son did develop them (although hardly gets them now). He had stomach migraines from about age 3. Does your daughter throw up with hers - but not have the headache - is that how the diagnosis came?
She may well have - but her symptoms might also be those of anxiety. Anxiety in my son and many SR children on here resemble stomach migraines in that they feel like throwing up - they have pains in the stomach etc. The difference I could see was my son never actually threw up when it was anxiety. This doesn't mean that some kids don't feel so anxious that they don't throw up - evidently they can. So I think what I am trying to say is that it is a fine line between what the symptoms are and what are children are suffering. But from what Sarah has mentioned - it seems that perhaps the propranolol might be very helpful - so stick with it and keep in mind it does take awhile to kick in.
All the best -
Linda xx

Re: Not sure..

Hi Sarah/Linda
Yesterday was great, straight into school early without bother, small claim of illness but she ignored it.
Today awful! Eventually got her in around 0930, with tears and 'I hate you' claims..No one understands how sick she feels etc. So hard. I thought yesterday that we could be turning a corner and that she wasn't a school refuser, but back to square one now.
The doctor is trying to eliminate all the possible physical illnesses it could be but I really think that its anxiety as she has had a full panic attack on a previous morning, which included a trip to A&E.
He said he has prescribed the Propranolol only 10mg he says for possible stomach migraines/anxiety. She hasn't ever been sick with it but has a huge fear of sickness.. which again leads me to err on the side of anxiety.
Shes only on her second week of them so fingers crossed they will eventually ease her worries and mine!

Thanks to both of you, I'm glad both of your children are coming through this and doing so well.

Aimes

Re: Not sure..

Hang in their Aimes - you are doing all you can. The 'I hate you' throw outs are something I am very familiar with!
Get as much help as you can and follow along the lines of it being anxiety. Your daughter sounds like she is trying her hardest - having gone in yesterday. Some days seem like that - I have the same problem - and other days are just a definite NO. I suspect whatever happened the day before has a great deal to do with it as well as anticipation of what might happen during the day - a specific subject - interaction with a certain person or teacher etc. Which makes every day unpredictable. Take some time out for yourself - you need to stay strong.
Let us know what happens -
Linda
PS Can't say my son is necessarily coming through this yet : ( School starts back this week - he has refused to get out of the house for most of the holidays - terrified someone might knock on the door (Ever since a couple of friends dropped by at end of last year) - so closes all curtains in the house. But the tablets are making him seem calmer overall - so not sure whether they are really working or not or it is just holiday mode. Time will tell.

Re: Not sure..

Hi Aimee,

Welcome to the group.

Don't worry too much if one day she goes in no bother and the next she won't at least she is still going in some.

For my own daughter I believe what set of her anxiety was the shcok of going from primary school where everything is done for them etc to suddenly being thrust into this place where some kids are as big as adults and quite scary, there being 1500 pupils as opposed to 200, the noise and pushing and shoving in the corridors when changing lessons, having to find your way round this enourmous strange building when you are used to working in one or two classrooms, the change of teachers at each lesson, then just when you get used to one they change your sets and you have another teacher to build your trust up in, your friends from primary school are making new friends (something which daughter always found hard) and leaving you etc etc

No wonder they struggle what a shock to the system it must be and if you are someone who doesn't particularly feel comfortable with change and noise and hundreds of people it must be terrifying.

Keep trying to keep her going, but don't beat yourself up if some days she doesn't manage. Even if she goes for half a day it is better than nothing. The school may be willing to arrange a part time time table for her until she settles in. There could be some lessons that she is struggling with, see if she will open up to you, my daughter struggled with PE even though she is really sporty. It was the thought of needing a partner and not having one.

Hang in there Aimee, you are definitly not alone.

Sue x

Re: Not sure..

Hi All

Thanks for all your comments, they really have been a help!

Last week was a very bad week for my daughter but also a very good one. We had issues every day getting into school, refusing to get out of the car resulting in a few teachers trying to coax her out to no avail. Tuesday I had to take her home again. But the school so far have been brilliant and after a meeting with the SENCO, we saw an educational psychologist at the end of the week. The psychologist believes she has two phobias, school and sick, which she's combining and causing her much anxiety.

This week is going much better, thank goodness, a few moments but shes managed to go into school. She has seen the counsellor again today and will do for a few weeks. Fingers crossed this helps.

Linda, how has back to school been for your son? I hope all was well.

Aimes x

Re: Not sure..

Hi there Sarah
I have only recently found this site and I am just finding it so reassuring to know there are quite a few others out there with children who have similar problems and issues. You really do think you're the only one. My son's school have been less than helpful, but I have managed to get him to the GP today and he is being referred again (last time was about 14 months ago) to CAMHS.
He has missed overall about 10/11 months I suppose, but it gives me hope that your son is doing so well now, that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel! I hope things keep well for him and I am just holding my breath that my son can get at least a few GCSEs and go on to study for the film career he passionately wants! Thanks x


Many thanks again to all of you who have given advice on here.

Re: Not sure..

Hi Aimes,

I am pleased things are a bit smoother this week for you - last week sounds like it was a bit of a downer and stressful. It's like that, isn't it, so up and down, we never know where we are.

I posted on another thread re my son going back. It has been a bit of a rocky start with him wanting to come home half way through or refusing to go unless I pick him up half way through. He didn't go yesterday but is back in today but only if I pick him up. I know the psychologists might tell me to 'ignore that' and leave him there. But I am sure any parent on here with an SR kid knows that you just can't do that. That either means there is something really weird psychologically going on (which many would want us to believe) or in fact - as parents - we are just following our gut instinctive feeling and know that our child is doing their best and that is ok.
I know that half days could become habit forming so am working on him building up some strategies to face the things he is avoiding (hanging out with other kids at lunch) and PE. It is such hard work, isn't it....constantly trying to help our kids see reason. Hoping your daughter and everyone else's child is hanging in there...
Linda

Re: Not sure..

Apologies i've not been on here for a while.

Linda thanks for your message - yes would you credit it !! He's just a superstar with the most amazing social life !!!!!! All that time being agrophobic and panic attacks and well everything he's such a lovely lad - still tells me where he is going, when he will be back and who he is with and for that i am grateful.

At times you can still see the anxiety rearing it's head but he is leaning to manage it quite well, and is starting a part time college course !!!

Hang in there guys if my son can get through it all anyone can i promise.

Bigs hugs to you all

Sarah xx