Hi everyone,

We have had a long summer break here and things have been going reasonably well although my son has basically refused to leave the house. We now have just a couple of days before he starts back and he is still refusing to leave the house to go anywhere - even just for a drive and not get out of the car. He has refused to see his dad (and his father's depression/disappointment over this doesn't help my feeling). My son is agitated but trying to distract himself. For the first time in 6 weeks I have seen him get angry at me and tell me to "shut up" when I try to explain small steps to leave the house. He just says he doesn't want to go back to school.
My stomach feels like it has a heavy weight inside....I know this feeling well. I guess I was hoping that with the medication we might for the first time have a smoother transition into the new year of school - but I do not think this is going to happen. He has isolated himself from everyone. I cannot understand why he wouldn't want to take just small steps to greet the outside world before the actual school day. Even just to go to the letter box, or a drive at night, or visit his nan. But no - there is no rational sense in all of this of course - I know that!

It is not just how my son is feeling that makes me sad but the fact that I know in a few days time I have to face that constant batter of 'you have to get him to school' - the pointing of fingers at me as a mum - the trying to find answers - being told I need to do this and that....and yet knowing that most people just don't get it. The future looked good during the holidays - now it seems clouded again.

I have read all your posts over the holidays and we are all in the same boat - the same stories - but so little is done to help us. We cry on each other's shoulders because we can't cry in front of others in case they think we are a weak parent and are having a meltdown. Inside we are...and often outside. My hope for this year is that somewhere, somehow there is just one small advancement in the way School Refusal is viewed and that our children are taken seriously. Meanwhile - it is great that we are all able to support each other. Without this site I would have had a nervous breakdown years ago.
Take care everyone and I will let you know how my son goes in a few days.
Linda

Hi Linda

Glad you have had a good holiday and I am keeping my fingers crossed for you over the next few days.

The way your son is behaving sounds so familiar to me - my son is having CBT because his anxiety has led to agorophobia. He too struggles to go out to the simplest of places - visiting relatives, dentist, hair cut, etc. He went to my mums last week for the first time in ages and his psychologist has recommended he do it again in quick succession which is supposed to help. My son isolates himself from everyone as well. His medication has lifted his mood slightly (some days) but doesn't seem to help with his agorophobia.

Surely if your son can get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist there will be no pressure on him to go back to school at the moment? Is this something you would want though?

At least we have no pressure on us to send our son back to school which helps in a small way!

I will be thinking of you xx

Hi Kathy,

Thanks for your support. There are aways lots of questions, aren't there - but not many answers. Interesting that yes - your son sounds just like mine. He hasn't been to my mum's all holidays. And yes haircuts, dentist etc are all out or major issues. Although since having a couple of haircuts last year he says he will return to the same guy who cut his hair - about a 40 minute drive away...

I do want my son to try and go back to school. He will be Year 8 this year and his friend that went overseas for 4 months is back - so perhaps he will settle in a bit better. But even with friends in the past - he found it just too difficult. The pressure for me too is not just the irrational talk that he has when anxious - but the pressure from his father, the psychologist and the school to just keep hammering him basically until he keep going. And whilst I think they and I are partly right - where is the common ground? How do you not keep trying to send your child....but know that if he stays home he will not leave the house.....I just don't know anymore - well - I never did know....but years ago looking ahead I may have thought that by now I might have some tricks up my sleeve : )

He did get out of the house yesterday - his father turned up and took him out. It was good and in the long run my son said it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. But then I told him that whilst he was out his friend from primary school had dropped by and he froze and refused to get in touch with him. He likes him a lot....but the thought of catching up with him just makes his thought process close done. Pity the boy turned up at the same time as him being out....you can't win can you!
Anyway - all the best to everyone else for this week. Some who were struggling before Christmas have not returned - I do hope they are ok -
Linda

Hi Linda

It's great that your son went out with his Dad - it's funny what they CAN do! Often the idea is worse than actually doing it. It's interesting to read about your son's attitude towards his friend - I don't know about you but with my son I think it's a confidence thing. They just haven't got the confidence and self worth to talk face to face with someone even when it's someone they know well. My son talks to me but often with other family members he almost whispers it's as though he feels whatever he's got to say isn't worth hearing!!

It's all very sad but let's hope for a good day today! xx

Hi Kathy,

My son doesn't start school fully until tomorrow. Today they had to just go in and meet their form teacher one on one who is also their pastoral care teacher (this seems to be something new). He was very anxious when we got there and his heart sank when he read the name of the teacher on the door (he said he'd hated her last year as his music teacher).
He came out smiling saying 'she was really nice'. Thank goodness : ) So even though he will be very anxious tomorrow morning- at least he has been to the school - met a nice teacher - and 'been seen' by some of this peers. Fingers crossed.
Our kids are so sensitive though - the smallest of things can knock them over. And yes - no confidence- no self esteem. Whatever they had seems to have been sucked out of them somehow and they are left with only a shell of their former selves. We have to try and get them to build up that confidence again - hard, isn't it. And sad to see our boys like this.
All the best for your week...
Linda