I am so relieved to have found this site and to realise that I am not alone in my struggle to get my son to attend school regularly. I realise now that I have been hiding from the problem since he started secondary school and he is now in year 10. I have had 3 years of fighting with him most mornings to get him to go into school. He often feels sick just as we are about to leave and gets very distressed sometimes we have a period of a couple of weeks where he goes in fine and then he becomes tired, anxious and has to have a few days off to recover. He used to be quite sociable and very popular at junior school and still seems to be popular when at school, but he does not see any friends out of school now. He is very bright and finds school work easy so there is no problem there.

He has always been an anxious child and couldn't easily be left as a baby or toddler. I split up with his father when he was 3 and he has two older sisters who both went school fine and have both gone on to university. Since his father has had another child (age 5 now) his relationship with his father has not been so good and there is definite resentment towards this child.

The reason I have had to face the fact that we have a real problem is that over Christmas he had severe flu and was very poorly, he does not seem to be recovering well and just wants to sleep all the time, his GP thinks that he may have post viral fatigue, but the problem is he has not been back to school since Christmas and shows no signs of wanting to. He won't communicate with me and I veer between trying to be understanding and losing my temper when I can't get him to get up and go to school (which just makes him worse). I am at a total loss as to how to handle this, I have made an appointment with a child psychologist but can't see them till middle of February.

When there is no pressure for him to be at school he becomes happy and relaxed but on a Sunday evening or if school is mentioned he becomes anxious and distressed.

I have had a meeting with his school and they are trying to help in getting him back to school, but show no real understanding of the problem and how it is affecting the whole family.

Thank you for providing this site and for everyone who is sharing there experiences it is a relief not to feel so alone.

Hi Jill

You sound relieved like I did when I found this site - it's something to know you're not alone, there are others experiencing similar problems, but I do feel for you.

I have a son too, he is year 11 and hasn't been into school this academic year, and we know he isn't likely to. Like your son he is very bright and I think that is a thread that runs through most of the stories on here. It seems as though intelligence and sensitivity or anxiety go hand in hand in our cases. We struggled throughout year 10 to get our son to school but realised during the summer break that there was something seriously wrong and we too arranged a meeting, through our doctor, to see a psychiatrist. They are working with my son now on a weekly basis.

My son was never very sociable but he always wanted to achieve and had goals for the future. Unfortunately that has now all gone and he feels like he has no future. This means trying to get him to do any work at home is almost impossible.

I know it's hard but even if your son makes it into school for some of the time see this as encouraging, because once they stop going altogether it is even harder to go back. The school should be prepared to work out some sort of part time timetable for him. I know our school would have done this had we asked - but we left it too late!

It's great that he's got such a supporting Mum and everyone else on here will tell you to remember, even at the worst of times, that you are doing a great job! If you weren't you wouldn't have been looking for help!

Looking back I wish we had been more understanding when the school refusal first began and we often wonder whether this would have helped. We pushed and pushed our son to go every day, worrying about him getting behind with work and what the teachers would think if he had too many days off. We should have trusted our instincts and given him some slack, but it's easy to be wise after the event!!

Just be there for him and praise him for the days he does make it in. There are lots of positive stories on here about children who make it through so take heart from those - I know I do! Let us know how you get on

Kathy xx

Hi Kathy

Thank you so much for replying so promptly, it means so much to hear from someone who understands exactly how I am feeling. I try to avoid talking to friends about it as although they are sympathetic I can see that they can't understand why I don't just make him go into school.

I so agree with you that because of the pressure to conform I too pushed my son to go to school, some mornings in the car on the way to school he would be crying and begging me to turn round and take him home. At his most desperate he would threaten to crash the car in order not to go in. At the time you just think they are being naughty and that just to get them to school is the only way. He would then come home at the end of the school day and apologise profusely for his behaviour that morning but would then take himself to bed and sleep for hours. I now realise that this was probably due to being in a state of anxiety all day.

Towards the end of last term we resorted to taking away privileges if he didn't go in and first he lost his xbox, then his computer, then he wasn't allowed TV, very quickly he became more depressed and just before Christmas he just didn't care if he didn't have any of these things. He then became ill with flu and I wonder if that was due to the extra stress we were putting him under. Since we have agreed that there is a real problem and backed off he is much calmer but every day is an unknown quantity. Today he had said he would go back to school and I am so disappointed that again he hasn't made it even though I have tried to tell myself not to have any expectations.

I also agree so much with you about your son being bright and having such a promising future, this was also the case with us and when he chose his options he was adamant he wanted to go to college and university but now he seems to have no interest in school work at all and has missed some of his GCSE exams already which means there will be more pressure on him to sit them again in the summer.

It is the most difficult thing as a mother to see your child hurting and to not be able to make it better and worst of all not knowing if what you are doing is indeed making things worse.

I really appreciate you talking to me of your experience it has helped immensely.

Jill

HI Jill,

I am so glad you found us on here. My heart goes out to you - it is so heart breaking to keep reading the stories that are all so similar and each year there are so many new parents find this site with the same stories. I found this site in 2010 and it saved my life. We feel so much like we are in isolation with this - but going by the numbers that keep turning up on here - it is more common than schools and authorities seem willing to accept.

Kathy has said much of what I would say too.
And don't let anyone blame you - this shows a complete lack of understanding of the seriousness of the situation.
Your son has anxiety and it isn't like other people might have a small 'worry' about something - this is a mental disorder that might sound a bit over the top when we first hear it - but that basically is what it is - and our children need help - they can't fix this themselves as they have no idea why they feel like they do.

Give your son a big hug if he is still into hugs. Tell him that you are doing all you can to understand him and also ask him to forgive you for the times you haven't understood. He needs to know he has someone who is trying to help.
Can you afford a private psychologist? If you can find someone who can work with Cognitive Behaviour Therapy with your son - you might find him beginning to take small steps forward. Having a friend is also something that seems important in keeping our kids at school - so if there is anyway the school can help on that front too - they should be doing all they can. LUnchtimes can be hell if you don't have a friend : (

I think one of the main things that changed for me a few years ago (when I found this site) was to step back and accept that my son had a problem and it was not going to be cured over night - if 'cured' at all. It was something that he had - and we were going to have to embrace it as part of him and try and move forward. Since then my son has been more able to communicate with me and has also accepted that he has anxiety. When he has a complete meltdown in a morning - I do not force him. Going back after illness takes time....so he tends to be off a lot longer than any other child with a mere cold (something the school still doesn't understand).

Schools and teachers have varied in their understanding but my conclusion, from my own experience, hearing yours and every one else's stories is .....we are in fact the experts. We know our children. We need to be the ones who start asking the school to do specific things to help. Trouble is...we are so often so stressed and worn out ourselves, that we come across as being weak....and then have the finger pointed at us for being too soft on our kids. Don't listen.....you are doing all you can to help your son - and as Kathy has said - you wouldn't have been searching for help if you weren't a good mum. Take some time out for yourself....do things you like on a regular basis....tell your son you love him and will do all you can to help him find a way to feel much better - praise up the little things you see - no matter how small - don't take away his technology. Look for a pscyhologist or talk to the doctor - see if you can get a diagnosis if possible. Consider medication. And there are always other roads...school isn't the only way to get an education. Your son needs to get his self esteem back first though, by the sound of it, before you know which road he might take.

Post on here at any time Jill - there is always someone here to listen to you and help out if they can. Meanwhile - take care -
Linda xx

Hi Linda/Jill

Its so good to hear you put into words exactly how we feel Linda and how things are. You are so right when you say we have to come to terms with the fact that our kids have got a huge anxiety problem (and in my son's case major depression!). It seems like it takes us all some time to accept this and we all go through the same scenario of pleading/threatening/coaxing but in the end we have to just accept that they aren't doing it on purpose and they can't help it.

We have had the worst two days ever. We have been trying to get my son to do some mock exam papers but he just can't concentrate or motivate himself. I became angry and said although I appreciate he is suffering that surely he could just do the minimum needed to satisfy the school that he should be entered into his exams. He now tells me that he doesn't think he will be able to take the exams or go to sixth form, he just can't see any future! He wants us to put all school work to one side and retake this year when he feels better (although where or when that will be who knows?!). We were all crying and shouting at each other and eventually he just crumbled and said to me "I wish you could get inside my head so that you could know how it feels" and kept telling me he was sorry for putting us all through this. At that point I just gave up pleading and cradled him whilst we both cried! I think now I've just got to leave him be and wait until he recovers. It's so heartbreaking I feel as though I've had a bereavement, where has that child gone? I know his wellbeing is the the most important thing but it's hard to let go of the dreams we had for him. I know that's selfish too because it's about him not us - something I have to keep reminding myself of.

Thanks for listening and let me know how you and your loved ones are doing.

Kathy xx

Hi Kathy/Linda

Linda, thank you so much for sharing your experience I am certainly at the stage of accepting that this is a real problem and that takes you through a whole range of emotions and I think I am feeling as exhausted as my son at the moment. We have decided to go to a private child psychologist and have an appointment in February where she is suggesting CBT therapy, (I just hope he will agree to go along) and he is having some counselling sessions at the moment which is a huge leap for him to talk to anyone other than family.

I think the hardest bit at the moment is not feeling disappointed and a failure every morning when he does not go into school, but I am now starting to realise that his education has to wait and we have to work on helping him to cope with these feelings. You are right that friends are important and he seems to have a group of friends at school, but over the past year or so he has hardly invited them over and so they don't bother so much now and the trouble is now he does not want them to come round even if I suggest it. I just wonder whether anything associated with school even friends has become too difficult for him.

I really appreciate your kind words and am so glad I have found this site.

Kathy, I really feel for you and appreciate even more you responding to me so quickly yesterday when you are obviously going through such a difficult time. I know exactly how you feel with emotions going from trying to understand, to anger and frustration and then to despair. It is the worst possible feeling not being able to help them and very poignant that your son said if only you could get inside his head and feel what he is feeling. This seems to be the real problem with this situation that very few people unless they are experiencing it directly understand just how much these children are struggling. We can't imagine what is going on inside their heads what with all the hormonal and emotional changes that happen at this age compounded with feelings of extreme anxiety. It must be so frightening for them and probably impossible to put into words.

You both sound like amazing mums and I am so glad to have made contact with you.

Jill

Hi Jill/Linda

I hope your day has been OK.

It's funny but I was feeling so desolate yesterday and this morning but then my son's psychologist came for his appointment today and she has given me some reassurance. I explained about school work and she has agreed it would be best for my son to just concentrate on getting better at the moment. She realises how disappointing it is that he won't go down the traditional route that we had mapped out for him but she said to just think of it as though you have taken another road and are travelling on a different route. The destination will be the same but may take longer. It was so good to hear someone say "it's OK, put him first".

After she'd gone we sat and watched a film together and we both felt so much better. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but I feel so much calmer. I think acceptance is half the battle.

How are you doing?

xx

Hi Kathy

So glad you have had a more positive day. Sometimes you just need someone to say it is okay and that you are doing the right thing. We are obviously conditioned to follow the traditional route and it feels so scary to stray from that path but ultimately they have to find their path emotionally first and then I am sure it will all follow.

Isn't it alway easier to help and reassure others that they are doing the right thing but you cant see it in your own situation. Today has been awful, my son wouldn't even get out of bed till about 3.00 this afternoon and I was so cross I was off with him, so he got really anxious. He was so relieved when I just put my arms round him and gave him a hug (although he pretended he didn't want a hug) and said he was sorry he was just too tired to get up. It's seems to be take each day as it comes!

Jill x

Hi I know just how you feel..... my isolation comes from the fact that all my friends tell me just to take my 11 year old son into school that he is just getting the better of me and by some miracle when I actually get him there all the teachers tell me off for being so weak and not taking control and tell him off for making such a fuss (when I just took three hours to get my son out of the bathroom get dressed and in the car, and when he screamed all the way to school that he just wanted to die and hated his life and he hated school)

Hi Jill,

Welcome to our group. We all understand exactly what you and your son are going through and it can be a long journey.

One suggestion I have for you and for others in the UK is to enquire with your sons school or education authority if you have Hospital and Home Tuition in your area. This has been our godsend and in my area schools can refer students after they have been off school for three weeks. we didn't find out about it until our daughter had been off for 4 months and it was a further two months before she got started. I am sure that had we been referred straight away our daughter would not have been off so long. Through HHTS our daughter has a tutor for 5 hours per week. She started by coming to our house and getting to know daughter they had work sent from school but as her tutor is a teacher she had her own resources should school be a little slow. It has been a very slow softly softly approach and daughter is very much in control and as others on here already know our daughter is now back in class for a double period once a week (with her tutor) and the other afternoon she is in a room at school with her tutor. Her confindence is growing every week and although we are a bit off her getting back fully I believe with all my heart she will get there.

Never give up hope Jill it is all we have. I am sure your son will recover from this and then go on to fulfill his dreams. The most important thing for him at this present time is that he knows that you understand and that you are fully behind him and that you love him. From what I understand about kids who suffer from school/social anxiety/phobia is that the pressure that they put on themselves to suceed and the fear of letting people down eventually becomes so much that can't deal with it anymore and the panic and anxiety that they feel is so overwelming that they just can't cope anymore. Don't take his xbox etc of him, we went down this route and it was awful and in the end it was husband who said "why are we doing this, at the moment it is all she has" he was so right, it was her way of escaping the pain she was feeling inside.

Hang in there everyone. We are all here together in this and I look at it now that there are worse things that we could be going through.

Sue xx

Hi Jill, Kathy and Sue and Julie,

Seems it has been an emotional couple of days for all! My heart goes out to you all.

Kathy - I fully understand what you went through - I have been there myself and we have ended up hugging each other and crying. It is quite awful at the time but I think it strengthens things long term.

Jill - so glad you could give your son a hug, even if he didn't quite want to admit he needed it.
Depression can zap motivation completely out of you. Both your sons need to feel there is something back inside them before they can face their futures. The psychologist had wise words.

Julie - is the school giving you any help at all? I know exactly how you feel - the school blamed me too....and the new school does too. I try not to let it get me down as much any more as I know that you guys are all going through the same thing so I am not just a bad mum or going through some kind of parallel world! Has your son had counselling (from school or private) to work on the anxiety - rather than just the focus of school? I can see a pattern in all our kids when they are not given the help they need directly for their anxiety in the early days and just treated like naughty children by the school. This takes away any self esteem they had and then depression sets in like it has with Jill and Kathy's sons (and mine went through this too). Hang in there - and see if you can push the school to help you. SOmetimes though - it is not worth doing any forcing to school. My son has missed a lot of school over the years but after forcing him in the early days - I now just 'work on his thoughts' and if that doesn't work - we just call it a hiccup and know that it might take at least another couple of days. With other kids it seems that if you do give them days off - then they just can't go back at all. As my son's psychiatrist said 'use your gut feeling'.

The mediation my son is on - luvox, seems to be helping the depression. He is not so morose - doesn't spill negative thoughts at every conversation and generally seems more interested in things about him. Before this - everything was an incredible effort. Having said that - he went in to school these last two days but emailed me today to say he felt sick and just couldn't cope any more. I think it was just too much after having spent the holidays so isolated and refusing to interact with others. Like your sons - my son refuses to have anyone come over. I think that is because it actually takes a lot of effort to be the host. Much easier to tag along at someone else's place where you don't have to make any decisions. I am hoping that this small hiccup is not a pattern that will develop - but I will take each day as it comes. I have praised my son for getting to school and hope that he realises that he has done really well to get back to school after the long holidays.

Hang in there everyone. And Sue's advice sounds very good. It is such a pity that the schools don't tell us what is available and we have to go searching ourselves.
Enjoy the weekend : )
Linda xx

Hi Jill,
Oh my goodness, your post almost echoes how things are with myself and my son. He is in Year 11 and also missed several mock GCSE's and a couple of early ones, he is also very bright, but has had very erratic attendance over the last 2 and a half years.
I have had countless meetings with his head of Year, teachers, pastoral staff and attendance officer, but they do not seem to 'get it' - the fact that for reasons he himself cannot explain, he finds it extremely difficult to get to school. He has been seen at CAMHS and signed off, the GP is very reluctant to prescribe anything, they give out website addresses and telephone numbers to contact instead and I have a lady coming from the Education Welfare Service this week, possibly with the view to prosecution! I am a single mum, with 2 older girls, the eldest of which also had similar problems. She was lucky to be referred to a local education centre with a one to one tutor who she hit it off with straight away and she came out with 6 GCSEs and went on to do A levels at college and is now waiting for 2 more replies from UNI to see which one she can accept!
I have found the school to be less than understanding, to them it's all about 'Mike needs to get into school or he won't get any exams and won't get onto any college/training courses'. He knows this all too well and has big ambitions (film directing), but as you said, it is virtually impossible to get a 15/16 year old boy out of bed and off to school if they don't want to/can't go! I have tried everything like you, from losing my temper, getting really upset, my girls have talked to him, my mum has talked to him, but it's not a problem that can just be sorted with a wave of a magic wand and promise of a treat, it's stuff going on in their head that they can't understand, so how can they explain it to others?!
Today was the first day since November that my son has been in to school, he only has 11 weeks left until Year 11 study leave, and I was so proud of him getting up (sleep is another major issue) and getting there by 9:45!
I am just praying that he can keep up his attendance for at least 2/3 of the week so that he feels he has achieved something, then hopefully go to college to help him achieve his Film/Media career.
I have been asking for support - work to be sent home, someone(school nurse) to chat to him, etc for at least 2 years on and off, and have always been met with the same response - get him into school and we'll see what we can do! On Friday, I had a call from the school nurse, who is only in school 1 afternoon each week (!), but she did say she would visit us at home if he was still not in school, despite being told by the school she doesn't do home visits! They have also mentioned now, that there is a Youth Worker attached to Year 10/11 who can give advice and help about anything non-school related - why was this not brought to our attention before?! I desperately want my son just to 'get through' this period and gain something from it, all I want is for him to be happy (like any other parent) and I feel the whole education/medical system has let him down - ie because he is 16, the GP has to speak to him to get his approval to discuss things with me, but it is apparently 'my fault' as his mother that he has not been at school and I could be prosecuted! How on earth does that make sense?!

Sorry if I have ranted on, I find this site so helpful and you really do realise that you're not on your own and others have very similar issues and valuable advice. Many, many thanks to those who have replied to my posts and Jill, I hope you can get your situation resolved, be strong.

Hi Mandy,

I really hope your son can keep going some of the time. You sound so worn out with the whole thing - I know just how you must be feeling. It is sooooo draining!
The great thing is that your son has an idea of what he wants to do past school. Has he always known or has this developed in the last year? I worry that my son (only 13 though) says he just wants to leave school as soon as it is legal and he doesn't care what he ends up doing. I am hoping that the attitude changes as our kids get that bit older?

My son has been in to school for the start of the year but has emailed me begging to come home at lunch times. I have picked him up but I just don't feel that it is the right thing. I feel he needs to build up some strategies to cope with lunchtimes and not desert friends (who he says ignore him). It is a vicious circle - if he doesn't attend - the friends drift away - then when he does attend he says they don't care about him. I have suggested he go to the library today - but I know that he will still email : ( But on the other hand - I have to be glad he is getting there for most of the day and only misses one lesson if he comes home at lunch. I have not spoken to the school this year - they have not contacted me ....I avoid interaction with them because like you - they just 'don't get it' and tend to blame me. I have become stronger with dealing with them but each year there are always new coordinators or teachers and so you have to go through the whole process again. Last year I was in email contact with all the teachers but I am not sure it did much good - so might just let that one slide. Things like PE teachers telling my son he will get a detention if he doesn't bring his 'full' uniform just doesn't sit well with me though...can't they see why a child might not want to change into PE uniform? Have they no empathy? Last year my son got away with not changing completely and I thought that was pretty clever of him actually - but no...same teacher....thinks now that he is a year older he should know better. So you can imagine that PE days (twice a week) are going to be trouble days.

In regard to the prosecution - I think I gave the url for the UK judge who threw the case out of court (it is also in the resource section of this website). Take all the notes you can - document what has and hasn't been done to help your son - all the work that hasn't been sent home etc and they just won't have a case. There is a legal binding that all schools have to provide an education for children, including those with special needs (worded differently in different places - but generally a world agreement). Also try your local MP. PUt the pressure back on the school and try not to feel any guilt. We all do - especially if we are single- as society keeps pointing the finger at us : (
Stay strong and I am really hoping that your son manages some more school days. And if he doesn't - I am sure there will be other opportunities open up for him on a different road (I keep telling myself this : )
All the best,
Linda

Hi Linda,

Thanks for your comments - after the success of yesterday with my son going in to school and seeming quite positive, today was a complete nightmare! I couldn't get him up before I left for work at 7.45, both my daughters tried, but he said he felt sick and really tired. And he has been very moody tonight, moping around, I think he has had a row or something with a friend or his girlfriend, but won't talk to me about it! Add this to going to my lovely neighbour's funeral this afternoon and it has been a very stressful day. I am going to make another appointment with the GP tomorrow and insist that he be referred again to CAMHS, and I will look into contacting our local MP, who is actually a very nice man, who does a lot for the community.
I am finding it hard to get past the worry of the Ed Welfare visit on Thurs and the outcome of that - I feel like a criminal and have no way of paying fines, etc. It really is horrible to feel you have no control and can't help your child be happy and then to be made to feel it's all your fault anyway! I would give anything for my kids to make them happy and safe, there should be so much more support for us as parents. It's very frustrating that when I take my son to the GP or ring them, they won't discuss anything with me unless he says it's ok because he's 16 and an 'adult', but from the education point of view, he is only a child and completely my responsibility (with no mind of his own).
I do apologise for sounding moany and miserable, but I really feel that I'm going nowhere fast and nobody, apart from you lovely people on here, really understands, even my mum, who I love with all my heart, is of the opinion I should be firmer on him, take treats off him, don't buy him tobacco,etc. Sorry, and thank you so much to all of you who are giving advice, I really do appreciate it!

Hi again Linda,

In answer to your question, yes my son has known for at least 2 and half years that he wants to go into the film industry, he is so knowledgeable about films, directors,etc and has a passion for it. The problem now is, he is feeling a failure because of missed exams, lessons, etc.
The attendance officer we saw at school last week even said if he didn't get back into school and do the 11 weeks left until study leave, the last 11 years have been pointless! I didn't say anything as I was quite intimidated by the comment.
Will let you know what happens after Thursday's meeting, have a day off work tomorrow, so going to get all my info, etc together and my eldest daughter is having day off work too, so she can support me, as she is worried about me!

Hi Mandy,

Good luck for THursdays meeting. You are doing all you can and you are a good mum. You would not have gone looking for the support and found this site if you were not doing all you can to help your son. I hope they listen to your side of the story carefully.

I couldn't get my son in to school today either. He was very upset last night - was so negative and was in tears. What can one do? You can't just grab them and force them at this age out the door and that only makes it worse for everyone anyway. But I always feel guilty because we have so much pressure on us to get our kids to school!

Clarity - are you still out there? Have you read the Kearney book yet? I have skim read some and will read fully later but I notice he outlines 4 symptoms/reasons for school refusal. The one that the school seems to be always grabbing hold of is that our children are doing this for attention. Evidently some kids might (maybe younger ones). The proposed support he gives to help these kids back to school is what we are being told - but our kids fit more into the other categories of social anxiety, overwhelmed by situation etc. He gives different directions in how to support those kids. So why are so many psychologists, schools and school supports going down the road of only one of these?
I also notice he mentions chronic school refusal and acute school refusal. It seems my son has chronic school refusal as it has been going on for a very long time and he makes it on average 3 days a week and some half days and it is only after sickness that he takes weeks off. It seems that chronic can sometimes be harder to break down the barriers than acute. Going by this forum I'd say that they are both just as hard but perhaps need different approaches.
Do you have any comments you have on the book, Clarity? Have we heard it all before? OR is there something new in there? I have the parent workbook and the psychologists manual.

All the best Mandy...let us know how things go. Your daughter sounds so lovely and supportive.
Linda

Hi Mandy

I have just seen your post and really feel for you, this is such a horrible experience. I have been at my wits end since Friday when my son who seemed fine Friday evening (his sister was back from uni for the weekend and his older sister was there too) and we all had such a good laugh and I thought this is great he seems really engaged with us. Then ... he wouldn't get up on Saturday then stayed in his room all evening, same on Sunday, wouldn't speak just told me to go away if I tried. Then just before bed on Sunday night he announced he was going back to school the next day and sounded so positive. Next morning and he would not wake up said he felt sick and his legs ached and he was too tired. He then refused to go to a session with a counsellor that he has seen 4 times saying there was no point. His father and I both tried everything possible to get him to go but he refused and said he would go back to school if we left him alone!

Tried again this morning to get him up but he just gets really distressed and pleads with me to leave him alone. We have an appointment with a psychologist next week and I am now worried that he will refuse to go to see her and I can't afford to lose £170 so in a real dilemma.

Just come back to writing this and seen your latest post. You poor thing as if you haven't got enough to deal with and now a load more worry thrown onto you. Let us know how you get on.

Hi Linda

Sorry to hear that you couldn't get your son into school today it seemed positive that he had managed to go back. I was reading your views on the reasons why children refuse to go to school and I have also been told by various people that my son is seeking attention and doing this to exert his power over us, but I have always felt that this is not the case at all. He has always been a child who likes to please and always hated being told off for anything. When he refuses to go to school I can see the fear and desperation in his face and there are obviously feelings that he just cannot put into words. My worry is that I have heard that a lot of psychologists work on the basis of punishment and rewards and I know this won't work with my son - there is nothing in the world I could offer him at the moment that would make him want to go to school. I will look up the book by Kearney as am interested to read it to see if it can offer any solutions.

Hope you have a better luck with getting your son to school tomorrow.


Jill x

Thanks Jill.
I agree with you in regard to how the psychologists seem to be working. Makes you wonder if we, as parents, are all under some kind of delusion or they are... But it could well be that this is such a new thing for them to deal with, in relation to how many children it is effecting, that they can't see any other way. It is also how children are perceived and that punishment and reward does usually work in many instances. It just does not seem to work with anxiety as our children are also bordering or suffering depression and once that enters the equation - then no amount of punishment or reward is going to have any effect. I think they should do a lot more to build self esteem before focusing back on getting to school but they do it the other way round and say that going to school will build self esteem. Of course it will - long term - but not if they are in the state that they are in.

My son has gone to school today but only if I pick him up during the day. I do not know what I think of this. It can be habit forming. But at least he has gone - so that has to be good. I know if I told the psychologist - she'd say it wasn't good - and that I have to aim for 100% attendance. I am aiming for that...but its just that her and I have a differrent viewpoint as to when this might be (and from my point of view....I have in the back of my mind that it might never happen). As a result, I am reluctant to see the psychologist. The psychiatrist, however, is on our wavelength but costs an arm and a leg - so I have to limit the amount of times we can visit. Meanwhile - our children suffer : (

Has your son or anyone else's been able to manage half days? Was it ok to do that or did it end up continuing or turning into full days/weeks?
Linda

Hi everyone, I popped in to see how everyone is fairing in the new year. So sad to see that your struggles are as big as ever and still not much support from those who should be helping. I so well remember all the emotions and feelings of hopelessness and I wish I could tell you how after years of school refusal my 15yo daughter is now a completely different person who declared on the way home from school yesterday, "mum I really love school and can't believe I avoided it for so long". She is showing so much maturity and is actually showing an interest in her work now as opposed to just showing up which was our first step last year. I have asked her what she thinks changed that enabled her to overcome her anxiety. It was all consuming like so many of you describe. She said she doesn't really know, she just became so sick of herself and seeing her life going nowhere that she somehow found the determination to push through. She had tried and failed many times over the years so I think maturity made a big difference. Also we did a lot of therapy shopping, it was pretty easy to determine after a couple of visits, if a psychologist "got it" and was going to be helpful or not and we were very blessed to have my wonderful GP who is very interested in mental health and supported us throughout the years. Medication was and still is critical for her recovery. I must stress though that it didn't help initially with her anxiety but it definitely helped with the resultant depression. The psychiatrist we saw when she was younger said that there are some kids who have depression that manifests as anxiety and others who have anxiety that causes them to become depressed. I believe she fell into the later category although he disagreed. Reading many of your stories, it sounds as though the anxiety has spiralled into depression and in some cases agoraphobia which I also suffered from in my early 20's and know how crippling it can be.
It does make a big difference if there is something they are interested in pursuing - with my daughter it was her love of horses and animals in general. I did a lot of research to see whether there was another avenue we could pursue academically that would help her do what she loves and we were able to enrol her in a part time TAFE course that started this year so that one afternoon per week, instead of school she goes to TAFE and this gave her a big incentive to get back to school as TAFE wouldn't accept her unless her attendance improved.
Once she made the decision to return to school, we started with half days and gradually added an extra half hour per day. She would go in at lunchtime as mornings are her most difficult time. The school were supportive in this and she also had a leave pass, which she could use whenever she got stressed during class. She didn't have to ask the teacher, she could just walk out of the classroom and go to either the office or library for some time out. She never actually used the pass but I think it may have helped knowing she could.
She was also quite different in that most of her anxiety centred around "going" to school. Once she was actually there, the anxiety would lessen and by the end of the day she would be happy and confident that tomorrow morning she would be fine, but every morning the anxiety would take over again. We worked on strategies to lessen the morning anxiety but as a single mum who had to be out of the house for work every morning by a certain time, it was more often than not a pointless exercise.
I wish I could be of more help to you all but hope that our story gives you some hope for your children, and if you have any questions please let me know. Would love to stay in touch and see you all experience your own breakthroughs.