school refusers


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School Refusal
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Is there any hope for my boy?

I am broken hearted. My teenage son is presently hospitalized for his depression and anxiety. Treatment over the past 2 1/2 years has no longer been working. The hospital psychiatrist says he has severe mental illness of panic disorder, agoraphobia and GAD. HE cries all the time to come home. When he is released the school district is prosecuting him for truancy. They know he is ill and they don't care. I have hired an attorney to defend him.

I just don't see how he will ever return to school anymore and I wonder if I should give up and let him start an on-line school. I am afraid it will just reinforce his agoraphobia.

Re: Is there any hope for my boy?

Hi Terskac

I am so sorry to hear how things are - it is heartbreaking just hearing what has happened to your son.
You wrote a question in the subject line ' Is there any hope for my boy?'. Yes there is. You mention them diagnosing illnesses that our children all have - but your son has them very severe at the moment. What brought this decline on? In your very first posting you said things were improving.

I know I am not there to see what your son is going through but it seems to me that the right kind of help has not come his way - and that his state of mind has also perhaps not been able to take things on board. There is also perhaps a maturity thing that is not able to kick in yet. How old is your son? I looked back over your posts but you only mentioned how it started when he was 12.
You mention him taking anti-depressants. Is the hospital suggesting that he try different kinds - to find the right one for him? I know of a number of people and on this forum who have had to chop and change medication until they find the one that works. You probably know all this - but sometimes when we are so caught up in the emotion of our own child - it is hard to know what we know and what we don't. So sorry if I suggest things you already know - just helping in anyway I can.

How is the hospital treating his condition? Are they looking at setting up any support whilst there and when he leaves? Are they also offering you support? Is there a 'parents/carers of children with mental illness' support in your area or on-line?

Just listening to what your son is going through - I'd forget trying to get him to school. He needs to re connect with himself....with things that will help build his self esteem slowly and the fear of going back to school will probably block all those steps out. Can I ask how you feel you get along with your son? Do you think you have been able to accept that he does have an 'illness'? Does he know how worried you are?

You mention being worried that schooling on-line might make his agrophobia worse. It might - but then again - it might not....it might be the removal of having to go to school that allows him to build his self confidence again. I would imagine he also faces lots of guilt (as my son does) if he doesn't get to school....and guilt can eat you away too.
You have your hands full with the rest of the family I know - so I can see how hard it must be to make choices. But I guess if something is not working - then you have to sit down and write out the options - and then choose one.

Is your son into computers? Is he good at gaming....understanding the technology? Is there any course he could do that is nothing to do with school? A short course on something? Is there any possibility of asking around if anyone/business in your local area might help him as a mentor for an hour or so a week in the technology field?
I'm just throwing ideas round here -so feel free to throw them out the window if they sound too ridiculous.

The other thing I picked up from one of your earlier posts - but I get the feeling (and this is perfectly normal) that you are feeling a bit guilty that you have depression on your side of the family and you feel you gave this to him? Don't feel guilty. It's pot luck what genes we get. I've been down the guilt road and it took me into a dark area that I don't want to return to. Whatever has happened -has happened - and we have to accept that we may have passed on genes - but that also gives us the insight that we might not otherwise have had into depression and anxiety. We are a step ahead...so we can be the strength that our children need. You are obviously a good dad - otherwise you would not have found this site and looked for help - and you are in a really awful position right now with your son's condition - but you are not alone - and nor is your son. You will move forward and so will he.

Is there any chance that you are able to spend time with your son when he comes out of hospital?
The right help will come along...stay strong - as you will need to be the one to pursue the help. Either changing medication, trying cognitive behaviour therapy when your son is a bit older, or just small steps to build his confidence via an interest he has.

As for the school district prosecuting him for truancy - that is terrible.. You are in the US, aren't you?
You need to send them copies of pages from Christopher Kearney's book (US) about School refusal -that gives a clear distinction between truancy and school refusal. The details are in the resources section on this website.
You mentioned in a previous post also that getting our kids to school was vital as if we didn't they then wouldn't go at all. There are many on this forum that have found that they have reached that 'no go' point and have withdrawn their children from school and homeschooled or worked on-line - and their children have slowly regained their confidence and even managed to pass their exams. It has helped them re-identify themselves outside of the school environment (where they see themselves as a failure) and so this might just be what your son needs right now.

Feel free to come on here anytime and talk - someone is usually not far away in replying. I hope you feel better about the whole situation soon - and are able to build up your strength for the next stage. If you can reconnect with your son with no mention of school - it might help turn his negative thoughts around.
Take care and thoughts are with you at this difficult time....there will be light at the end of the tunnel...
Linda xx

Re: Is there any hope for my boy?

Hello Tersak,

Your post really upset me as it bought back all those horrible memories. I know exactly how you feel. My son started school refusing when he started secondary school, when he was 12. It got worse and worse. After a year and a half of hardly any attendence, we changed schools and he managed 1 or 2 lessons only. So we took him out and tried homeschooling. Most of the time I cancelled the tutors as he wouldn't get out of bed and used to barricade himself in his bedroom. He threatened suicide, smashed the house up and our family was in turmoil. Then last summer, after 18 months of being at home, he said he wanted to try again.

I registered him at a private college which had a GCSE unit with a special needs program. Only 8 boys, all with dyslexia or similar educational needs. My son was accepted because of his 'emotional special needs'. He had a local friend who was starting in the year above and although we had a tricky start, he managed it and his attendence has been 97%. Educationally, as the classes were so small, he caught up on his work and is predicted A's and B's for his GCSE's next year. Unbelieveable when you think he has missed out on 3 years of education. I think as Linda said, he has matured, he is now 15. I took a step back and said to him it is completely up to him. I didn't scream or shout or even try and talk him into going to school or make any deals with him. I think initially he was shocked by my behaviour but after a week, he managed it completely on his own.

I also took him to a cranial osteopath last summer who was amazing with him. After his first session, he was able to sleep through the night for the first time ever. He is alot calmer. He believes that due to a very difficult birth, his nervous system was completely out of kilter. It had also messed up his hormones and hadn't grown an inch for years or started puberty. That has all been sorted out. We still go and infact my son said to me last week, I need to see Fred Mum (the osteopath) - he has been particularly neurotic recently and we are seeing him next week. I know my son is always going to be highly strung but the cranium osteopathy seems to work for him but he does need it every 3 months.

So this term has been a little tricky, I give him 'duvet days' quite often but he always feels so guilty that he manages to get back in the following day. He does not want to go back to that dark place.

I just want to give you some hope. I had absolutely accepted that he was never going to go back to school. We had a wonderful therapist who used to say to me he will go back into education when he is ready. And education can be accessed at any time these days. It was so hard to hear and at the time, I just didn't believe her.

We also tried medication at the start of all this and it did work initially but after about 6 months, we and my son decided that it didn't work enough to get him back to school so he is no longer taking anything.

Your son will get there in the end. It is such a tricky age for our children but I think acceptance is key and letting your son know that you will always be there for him and letting him take control.

sophy

Re: Is there any hope for my boy?

Thanks everyone for the replies.

They were thinking of discharging my son today but he became upset with the discharge plan which includes something called outpatient hospitalization. He would attend a therapy program for part of the day for two weeks and then just three days per week.

He wants nothing to do with work, homework, therapy or thinking at all. He just wants to be home with his pets. He sobbed and held on to me to try to keep me from leaving the hospital. I was heartbroken.

His doctors are really concerned that without additional therapy his agoraphobia will worsen and he will be permanently housebound. I think they are probably right. They decided to let him stay another night and consider the release plan so he continues on a path of improvement.

FYI he is 14.

We have had a sad 2013. His maternal grandfather died in January and my father died two weeks ago. These events have not helped.

Now his younger sibling is starting to show signs of anxiety and school refusal. The older sibling told me he felt dizzy all day in school.

Re: Is there any hope for my boy?

Hi Terskac

I too have a son who is a year older than yours. I can understand what the hospital are saying about your son becoming totally agaraphobic because that's the position we are in right now. My son has only left the house on about a dozen occasions in the last 8 months, half of these have been for hospital appointments and the rest just to go somewhere quiet to walk his dog. He is on medication (anti depressants and beta blockers) which help slightly but I can see no real improvement if I am honest. His psychiatrist has discussed the option of hospitalisation but this really scares him (and me too) so I think you and your son have been immensely brave!! Do you think it has helped him at all?

I know you talk about your worry over school and the threat of prosecution but your son is obviously not well and needs to concentrate on trying to heal before he can even consider going back into an environment that obviously causes him such distress.

We too had a bereavement last year, I lost my dad a year ago next week and my other son had a bad car accident a couple of months later, so I can sympathise with you. We have had the year from hell!! I don't know about you but it feels so hopeless sometimes and I have to try not to think about things too much and just get through each day. I am sorry to hear the effect this is having on your other children. It is something that has such a huge impact on the whole family. I am lucky in that my other son is older and is working now, but I know that he is troubled by the atmosphere in the house and although he is very sociable he seldom has his friends over any more. My son finds it very difficult to have people in the house other than his very close family. My brother cannot even visit with his boys because my son finds them quite intimidating.

How does your wife deal with all of this (or are you a single parent?)? My husband is very pessimistic and worries about the future. I am obviously worried too but I need to try and keep positive so this puts great strain on our marriage! We just can't seem to see eye to eye on things and I find myself resenting my husband's attitude!

My son is due to take some of his exams at home in May/June so I am just hoping he will be well enough to do this. His school have been quite helpful in arranging this for us, but my son cannot summon up any enthusiasm for his school work. He gets really upset sometimes and cries saying how he wanted to do so much with his life but that now he will be a complete failure, it's hard to watch and listen to! He is extremely bright and we too thought he would have a bright future so it's heartbreaking.

I keep telling myself that the most important thing is for him to feel OK about himself and I am sure you feel the same about your son. My thoughts are with you Terskac and we are sending big hugs from the UK to you all. Let us know how your son is and take care of yourself too xx

Re: Is there any hope for my boy?

My son refused to go to his outpatient therapy today. He ran out the doors. He is terrified of being in even a small group. He promised he will go tomorrow but I don't hold much hope on that promise. We can only try it and see.

Now his younger sister is refusing to go to school and is threatening to kill herself. She has missed 3 days in a row now.

I know this is a medical condition that eventually turns into a mental illness from the constant stress. We have a dog that has terrible anxiety of thunderstorms and fireworks. We used to have a dog that would not cross a footbridge or walk in a pedestrian tunnel. She was as phobic as any human. Scientists need to investigate this more to help find a cure. I know my two dogs were raised in good environments and they didn't inherit their phobias from me! Our other dog as rather stoic. Nothing scares him. He doesn't even wag his tail although I think he might have suffered a tail injury when he was a puppy.

I am married but I think this is harder on me. It doesn't cause fights between each other although I think I suffer some blame over this. My son tries to manipulate me more than his mother.