Hi everyone,

I haven't given an update on my own son recently. I just wanted to share with you an unexpected support that turned up and could well be the link my son needs.
My son now to go to school most days (has finally got over the morning meltdowns) but there are some days he just can't seem to get there and other days he just can't seem to make it through a full day. He is now in Year 8 at secondary.
About three weeks ago when he was emailing me and begging to be picked up early (I go through agony trying to decide whether to or not) I decided to ring the welfare coordinator at the school. She was busy - but then I remembered there was a chaplain at the school as well - so I asked if he could meet with my son and see that he was ok.
At the end of the day when I picked my son up - he seemed happy. He said that the chaplain had introduced himself (young guy - popular with the kids). Since then this guy has met up with my son once a week - he takes him out of class and they 'hang out' and chat or go on the computer or bike ride. He even asked me what I thought he could do to help (no one has ever asked me this before). So I asked if he could work on my son's self esteem as well as helping him feel connected to the school. So he is doing that and more. He communicates back to me a lot. He has done a phD in psychology and knows quite a bit about school refusal. Hard to believe now that my son went a whole year at secondary school and no-one put him in contact with this guy. I really do believe it is because so few people understand what anxiety is and they think the child is misbehaving and mum or dad or both are being soft.
So although my son is not attending full time - he seems happier at the end of the day - and especially on the days when he gets some time out with the chaplain.
This kind of one on one is what our children need. They also can never be expected to 'seek out' help at the school - they need the help to come to them. Last year I was told that my son should feel free to just go to the welfare centre whenever he felt anxious. Of course - he never did this - as he had no-one to directly connect to and did not have the confidence to be seen walking there.

So I guess my story at this point is - don't ever give up. There is help somewhere and sometimes it comes as a surprise. The other thing I have learnt is that I am an expert....so it is up to me to tell the school what they need to do for my son. I have read more books on the subject of school refusal than anyone at the school could possibly have - so they might have only read something or heard something - but they don't know that in fact perhaps the main point with school refusal - an individual program needs to be in place. There is no one rule that suits all school refusers. Yes it is best if they keep going to school - but if they just can't - then alternatives need to be found. And if they do keep going to school on and off - that is a good thing but needs lots more active support from the school. And with the low self esteem our children have - they need to build that up first before they can do the things that schools usually expect them to - and that is to attend full time , interact in group class situations, present to the class etc. And that may never come to some - but its ok.
There are a lot of children in our schools today with SR, ADHD, Autism spectrum disorder etc....until the schools and teachers realise that despite the extra work it requires, they do need an individual program until the child feels more confident - then we are going to continuously tear our hair out over their lack of empathy and understanding from them in how best to educate such children.

Sorry I have raved on a bit here.. It is so sad that there are so many of you out there who are just getting the run around as far as support goes.I know exactly how you feel - I had years of this too. Each school - each principal - each teacher - is following their own agenda and not listening to the parents. Try if you can to be more assertive with the schools. They owe it to our kids. I often feel submissive in their presence as they make me feel guilty - but we have to rise above that - we have nothing to be guilty about.

Good luck - and see if you can find 'someone' or anyone in your school that might act as a mentor or support for your child. The one great thing about the chaplain....he never judges - either me or my son. It is such a relief. WE have the same goal - to keep my son at school as much as possible. But there is no blame or guilt.
I hope you can find some help like I have. And I hope ours lasts!!
take care everyone -
Linda xx

Hi
Haven't been on for so long but back again now!
So happy to read your post Linda and so happy for ypur son that he has found someone who will give him time and listen without judging. It is a priceless thing.
My daughter is 18 now and doesn't mention school at the present.
Her sleep patterns have returned to normal and she is getting a great amount of exercise and fresh air.
She's also learning how to drive at present.
I am going to revisit chatting about education for Sept this year and see how it goes.
Sorry for going on so much!
Take care all

Virginia