school refusers


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School Refusal
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13 YR OLD SON REFUSING TO GO TO SCHOOL SINCE YEAR 7

My son had problems settling into secondary school and has refused to go to school on many occasions and the EWO did get involved, although it did not got any further as attendance got better. On average he misses 1 or 2 days a fortnight, usually down to worries about what friends think of him, if he gets moved in class, public speaking in English and other things he cannot tell me. He has had various help over the years including Child Bereavement (his dad died when he was 6). He is an only child as well. Has been to CAMHS twice. He was aggressive towards me, usually when he didnt get his own way and too long on gadgets etc. His behaviour at school is good I have been told. I have had and still do get pastoral care support from the school and have meetings with them. At the moment we have TAC (Team around the child meetings). However, my son still doesnt attend regularly, his grades are now suffering, understandably so and he started his GCSE course work this year. No one seems to be able to come up with help as to how to get him to school as the school cant help unless he attends. He also wont go to bed early as sometimes he wont go to sleep to delay having to get up to go to school and then is too tired to go as I cant get him up. He has also seen school counsellor and had anger management. He does now have friends at school but prefers to communicate via facebook or BBM out of school, weekends, holidays etc rather than socialising with anyone personally. He lacks confidence and doesnt like to organise anything with friends and usually refuses to go when they ask. He also doesnt like having people round. Where do I go from here. Any advice appreciated.

Re: 13 YR OLD SON REFUSING TO GO TO SCHOOL SINCE YEAR 7

Hi i cant offer you any help im afraid but can sympathise with you i am going through the same thing with my 13 year old daughter it has been going on for about a year now but has got worse over the last six months, i even changed her senior schools as i thought this was what the problem was as she was being bullied by her so called friends, but this just seems to have made things worse, the school to be fair have been very patient with her but has recomended that i get her referred to CAHMS and am awaiting an appointment (Im not really sure what they do there tbh), she refuses to go to sleep of a night too to prolong going to school, can be nasty and spiteful, she refuses to make friends even though girls have made the effort with her at her new school she just puts up a wall and wont let them get close wont go out with them after school if they ask her i have tried to encourage her to have them round our house but she just says no, i have until next thursday to get her to school more otherwise they are reporting me to ewo she nos this but just doesent care she is my oldest of 4 and her brothers and sisters are witnessing their behaviour and constantly say how come she dont go to school. Im at my wits end and dont no what to do any more either. As i said i cant offer u any advice but just wanted to reply to u x

Re: 13 YR OLD SON REFUSING TO GO TO SCHOOL SINCE YEAR 7

Hi Jo, thanks for replying. I don't have any experience with girls except know the hormones kick in earlier which doesnt help with moods etc. CAMHS do an initial interview to decide what level of support is needed. There are different levels. It sounds to me like your daughter is anxious about something and the bullying cant have helped her confidence. Go with CAMHS to see what they can do. Would she go to a counsellor. I know connexions do this service where I live but my son was too shy to go. My sons experience with CAMHS was to do with behaviour and bereavement at the time and boundaries, not so much about school refusal. It is so difficult. Is there anyone besides you she could confide in and take notice off? The only thing I can say is that it is more common than I thought. There is just no easy answer. Have you been to the GP, they may be able to help as well if you find a good one.

Re: 13 YR OLD SON REFUSING TO GO TO SCHOOL SINCE YEAR 7

Hi there

As i alwys say it saddens me to think that still there seems to be little help out there for SR.

Jo - don't worry about the EWO they are there to help and mine was great and did support me as much as she could.

My advise to you all is keep a diary of everything so you can refer back to it - accept all help offered ie CAMHS as it shows you are working with the various agencies, and get your GP involved and please do call Parent Partnership, they are worth their weight in gold as they will support you, attend meetings with you etc - look for their local office on the net.

Just stay positive and remeber anger often is masking anxiety !! Our children don't want to be like this and it will get easier i promise.

Love to you all

Sarah xx

Re: 13 YR OLD SON REFUSING TO GO TO SCHOOL SINCE YEAR 7

Hi Helen and Jo - welcome to our site here where everyone helps everyone as much as they can : )
So sorry to hear your stories and how hard it is for you right now. My son is also 13 - so I know how you feel.
I am so sorry to hear also of your loss, Helen - do you think this was the start of the anxiety/school refusal? I lost my brother around the time my son's school refusal started - and he was also 6 at the time and had just started school.

Helen and Jo - Sarah mentioned parent partnership. Here is the link:
www.parentpartnership.org.uk/

Sarah's advice in regard to keeping a diary or record is also vital. Somewhere along the line you will need to refer to this and to also show what you have been doing to help your kids.

I am just sorting through some of mine now as despite my good news story only a few days back regarding having the school chaplain make a wonderful connection with my son - in the last two days I have had the school sending me emails saying my son is not improving, that it has gone on too long and they want to refer him to a social worker and the school refusal unit (which is not something we were ever actually able to work with because he still tries to get to school and has not missed months at a time).

Whilst it might work out good to be referred to them this time - I can't see how dragging him away from the newly found connection can have a good impact on how he feels about school. They seem to have dismissed the chaplain's work as perhaps his role is not 'official' enough, despite the fact that he has a phD in psychology and has attended workshops on school refusal and anxiety. It has all escalated through some pretty full on emails to the vice principal ringing me and asking me to an interview next week. I am therefore sorting through all the correspondence which I thankfully kept and hi-lighting my role (they are accusing me of not taking up the strategies they put in place or refusing to take on their ideas that would help). They are also stressing that my son should go and see the welfare coordinator when anxious (fail to mention the chaplain). As we all know - a child with anxiety will not seek out the welfare coordinator - they have to go to them. This is the difference with the chaplain - he has been meeting with my son once a week - he goes and gets him. I have wanted something like this for sooooo long...and now they turn around and say its not good enough. One can never win...but one does have to keep battling.

Anyway - sorry to rave on with my little story but your stories remind me so much of my own son. But we have also moved on just a little. He used to also refuse to go to sleep because he didn't want morning to come. And we fought over technology/games. The aggression seemed to be his frustration at holding in his anxiety each day.
He used to also therefore wake up half dead and have a meltdown and not be able to get to school.

A couple of things have turned this around for us in the last couple of months that may be of help to you.
Firstly, he is now taking medication (since January). Have either of you considered this? This seems to have lifted his mood. SO overall he is a happier boy -a nd this has meant he doesn't seem as freaked out in a morning - and so he actually has been going every morning for some weeks now. But he finds it very hard to stay all day - because of lack of friends - or so called friends that tease all the time. He had very good friends at primary school - but has since found it very hard to make new friends (they went to different schools).

He has been emailing me and begging to go home at lunch time. I gave in on a number of occasions as it was enormously stressful and I Felt I could not just ignore the emails. After it all came to a head this week though - my son has agreed that he cannot do that any more and he does need to take the help on board more from the chaplain (as he has been doing - as his emails have been far less since he started seeing him). My son does also seem to have reached a certain maturity that I can see a glimmer of realisation that he needs to help himself to move forward. Sometimes it takes that extra time and maturity for our children to realise this. IT also depends how long the anxiety has been going on for?
We went to the psychiatrist again this week and she said she had noticed a big change and she wants to now work with him on cognitive behaviour therapy and perhaps increase the medication as he should by now be more able to manage his anxiety than he is.

I would get all the help I can from CAMHS and support from anywhere you can. Can you afford a private psychologist? Do you think it has gone on long enough to try medication? Is there anyone at the school who could act as a support or mentor - to meet with your son or daughter on weekly basis, so that like my son, they start to feel connected to the school? Has the school been helpful in providing work?

We went private with psychologists as we either had to wait too long via the school or they did not not seem to be on the right track in regard to school refusal.
Check out the resource section on this website and read up as much as you can on School Refusal and general anxiety so that you have some confidence when you speak with the school. Very few do understand the nature of an anxiety disorder and tend to blame the parents and treat the children as if they are being naughty.
It is a rocky road but I have to say that despite my despair sometimes - my son has not gone backwards - but the steps are awfully small sometimes. I see them - but many others miss them - especially at the school end.

Sorry I might not have direct help for you but just sharing our stories helps - and there are lots of others on here, like Sarah, who have gone down the path of despair but made their way out the other end and into the light. So there is always hope...but we have to educate others along the way and demand the support we need.
Take care and let us know how you are feeling or if you manage to find a few steps forward.

And hi Sarah...so nice that you have popped back to see how everyone is going. So sad to see new cases coming up all the time and the same issues with lack of support. So lovely to read your post about your boy now...just amazing - and gives me much hope on this very long journey : )

Linda xx
PS Sorry for such a long posting!

Re: 13 YR OLD SON REFUSING TO GO TO SCHOOL SINCE YEAR 7

Thanks for replies. I have only just discovered this website and not realised how much information is available regarding school refusal. Dont think my son would need medication but he says he doesnt understand why he wont go. I suppose as he is attending more than he did and has upped his work a little i should be more positive until the next time that is. I dont know about others but i used to get so angry and say things to him i shouldnt. I guess at his first two schools he was doing quite well and it seems to me at the moment he just isnt motivated enough but i wouldnt move him as it has taken him so long to feel better with friends. Friends say i have to leave him now to find his mistakes but it is hard for me as it is mainy only us. Originally the school did think was due to separation anxiety as his dad had died but because he is now a teenager as well you cant necessarily use that as a reason only maybe a part of it. I do feel for us all and can only be positive and keep going to get as much help as we can. Helen x

Re: 13 YR OLD SON REFUSING TO GO TO SCHOOL SINCE YEAR 7

Hi Helen

I've said things in anger too, that I shouldn't have. We are human and our kids are highly frustrating, especially when they can't quite verbalise what is wrong and we are searching for answers. I am sure you son understands - if he is like mine - he gives his own back too and then has to apologise. We end up apologising and then hugging and saying we will just move on. I am also on my own with my son - it can become quite an intense relationship when there is just two of you, can't it. I was also told that it was separation anxiety at one stage when he was young but as he went to his dads every second weekend, I couldnt' see that being the sole issue but there probably still is something in there - his fear something may happen to me. Our psychiatrist has told us that she believes that at some point it shifted from pure school refusal to social anxiety and that is what he is now trying to cope with. He is a friendly, likeable boy, but he doesn't trust anyone and so tends to make up excuses why he doesnt' like any of his peers (they can also be highly immature at times). Sometimes when a child doesn't have a father around - they can mature much quicker I think. So it might just be time before your son finds some friends who he can really link in with and motivate him.

How are you able to keep your son mostly going to school? Do you think it is him driven by desire or guilt or wanting to please? I was never quite sure how my son went on some days and not others but now that he is going every morning - I think it is obviously his motivation to make a difference somehow- but the fact that he hates it when at school is impacting on this - and so it could all end up caving in on him. Which is where schools need to be so much more supportive and treat our children as having special needs and not to keep suggesting that they are doing too much if they seek them out or we are not allowing our children to be independent if we as parents try to follow up support and keep them on track with their school work. For instance I just emailed the Year level coordinator and asked if he could put me in touch with the maths teacher as my son has a test on Monday and didn't tell me (I read it in his school diary). The coordinator said it is not my role, nor his, nor the maths teacher to follow my son on such issues, it is up to my son to build his independence and email the maths teacher himself.
Well - as all of us know - kids with School Refusal - are not going to email their maths teacher!! it is ludicrous and yet another 'block' I keep finding is thrown in front of me as I try to get my son on track or at least stay on track.

I hope your son's school is a little more understanding. Do you ever get a break from your son? Is there anyone in the family able to act as a male mentor? Stay in touch - hoping we can help each other on this rock road : )
take care
Linda xx

Re: 13 YR OLD SON REFUSING TO GO TO SCHOOL SINCE YEAR 7

Thanks Linda. Long story really but went to school originally in year 7 to inform them of behaviour problems at home to let me know any problems at school . Have kept notes and diaries since then. He started refusing to go, ended up half days and it got better but he was trying to control me over gadgets and aggression got bad. Had to leaving house, escaping to friends. He wouldnt always let me back in either. Was awful at time. Things came to head when he threw a book at me hurting my face and a friend said i should call the police which she in the end did for me. They came round for a chat and he has been on the whole better getting angry with doors, throwing things instead and not harming me or making me feel as scared and havingntomget courage to ring police. They were very helpful. I do have good friends through a widowed and young group who have children similar ages but of course they all are individuals so each child is different no matter if parent died, divorced etc. i have a boyfriend who is also a widower but with no children and he doesnt live with us nor is he likely to. They do have an up and down relationship but he has been very supportive to us. I also attended a parenting teenagers group. It is all so consuming as you know and i do have problems taking in what the school tells me. I do take a friend with me to meetings. I feel the same as you that i feel they judge me making me feel rubbish sometimes although they mean well. It is good your son has the chaplain to talk to and dont understand your schools attitude. It sometimes seems they dont care because there are so many children now with problems. My sons tutor is old school and conversations with her are not easy as it seems when they get to secondary school they are not children any more and have to grow up quickly, too much pressure i feel. Today though one of my sons teachers rang up as i had emailed her as he missed two days last week and she sounded very supportive and we have arranged a meeting after easter so maybe some of the teachers are human after all! Sorry to sound like that. Anyway, it is good that your son is going to school but a shame he is not happy when there. Maybe something or someone will suddenly click with him to make a difference. My son goes to school because he does enjoy some subjects and does like to see friends at break and lunchtime but this does not keep him going consistently. He doesnt have a mentor. Has played football but given up, beavers, cubs, scouts. Given up. Tried sailing with brother in law but hard to get him there, again no reason why. Such a shame he cant confide in anyone but me and as you said very intense with jjust two of you. Sorry to. Waffle on, helen x

Re: 13 YR OLD SON REFUSING TO GO TO SCHOOL SINCE YEAR 7

Thank you helen, sarah and linda reading your stories has been a great help to me in realising i am not alone in the world with this, which is how i feel most of the time, its like others judge you and think that not getting your child to school is ridiculous and a weakness in my parenting with her, some days i do blame myself and wonder where i have gone wrong but cant seem to find an answer and other days reassure myself that it is not my fault and that i am a good parent.

With regards to keeping the diary i think this is a great idea as i do lose track on which days she attended and didnt and then i only have the schools word for it where as that way i would have back up so to speak as tbh i lose track of he days/weeks it just feels like groundhog day, but what shall i put in the diary just the days she attended school and didnt or anything else. The school did give my daughter a reflection book to write in daily all the positives she had had at school that day but no negatives, i think she has filled in 3 days since issued with it and hasnt been since.

It has been 10 school days now since she last attended i think this is the longest straight spell she normally returns for an odd day or at least a few lessons but not this time i have talked to her till im blue in the face and have been patient with her so much this week but still not joy, she had her laptop confiscated the week before last when she didnt go but begged and pleaded with me to give it back to her last saturday and promised she would go on monday so i gave in and gave it back to her, but of course she didnt go on monday so i took it again and have not given it back to her even tho she has begged and promised im not being taken for a mug 2 weeks running, so now she is hiding in her bedroom for hours on end but i will remain strong.

Im dreading tommorow sunday as this is normally the worst day as monday is coming.

How r u getting on with your children this week, do u feel that taking the items they want the most away is a good thing or not have u done this?

xxxx

Re: 13 YR OLD SON REFUSING TO GO TO SCHOOL SINCE YEAR 7

hi Jo,

Sounds really tough for you at the moment and I know how those Sundays feel : (
We have had a few discussions on the forum about taking items away from our children and it is always the same conclusion...it doesn't seem to help unfortunately. Their anxiety is so strong and not their fault that they can't break through it even to get back an item they depend on. Probably most of us have been told to do this by school, psychologists etc - but I don't know anyone on the forum who found it actually worked in practise. And a few of us I think have experienced the downside that is then even harder to work up from and that is that our kids start to get depressed more as they feel that they have nothing that can distract them or make them feel better. It is a tough one and every child is an individual. I'd go with your gut feeling but I am not sure keeping it from her will work in the long run. I may be wrong..Perhaps you can be strict around the amount of time she spends using these devices but not take it from her completely or she might also not feel able to have the avenue to keep talking to you about how she feels. SOmetimes being on-line is also the only social contact they are getting (as long as it is not bullying).

Have you told your daughter about the forum - and that there are lots of other kids like her?
Is it possible for her to start back for a few half days instead of expecting her to attend a full day (you said she hadn't been for 2 weeks now?). She may need to ease herself back into it. And what does she say is the biggest fear? Does she know? Is she afraid of what the other kids might ask in terms of why she has been away? This also seems to be so often an issue in preventing our children going back - that fear of being asked 'where were you?'. Hard for us to understand...but it seems it is a big issue for SR kids as they are self conscious enough already without having the focus put back on them and also they probably are afraid that others might think they are crazy. My son ended up telling the kids he had 'chronic fatigue syndrome' and they seemed to accept that. It made it easier for him and stopped them giving him such a hard time when he returned (why other kids do this is beyond me!).

Perhaps your daughter is scared now too. My son thought he was going completely crazy at one point and it wasn't until I accepted he had a 'disorder' and he accepted he had this and it wasn't his fault that we were able to make some progress. Give your daughter hugs if she will let you and just make sure she knows you are doing everything you can to make things better for her even if at the time it seems from her point of view you might not be. And I find talking doesn't always help....but just a few simple words of support and some distraction. Sometimes when I see my son in a better frame of mind I can talk more about why I do what I do (keep trying to get him to stay at school etc) and he is able to open up more too.
Stay in touch - it helps for us all to help each other if we can. I

Regarding the diary. Also add how your daughter was on the day she doesn't attend. Did she have a panic attack? An anxiety meltdown? Was she crying? Was she angry? And the same for days she does attend - what frame of mind did she seem in (also even mention frame of mind the night before). Add anything you might think she was fighting against (class talk ...friends asking where she was...certain subjects/teachers). I have found it helpful not just to enter whether my son went or not but a few brief notes about his behaviour at the time. This keeps it all in perspective in our mind and also shows us for later why we were unable to get our child to school on some of those days. I use a circle for attendance. I colour it in full if he attends all day and half if he comes home half way through etc - that way I can see it immediately when I flip back through the diary. Also note down any action you took - rang school, emailed teachers etc.

I was also so glad of doing this when I just this week had to check all his 'unexplained' absences (given to me by the school) against my diary and I found a number where he had not been marked off for lessons when he was actually at school that day. I noted a pattern, that my son was missing class form assemblies (at the start of the day) and he explained this was because he hated the pushing and shoving at the lockers so he waited till it quietened down....making him late or missing form assembly. He was also sometimes not marked down for art or woodwork - but again it was usually after recess or lunch (waiting till the others finished at the lockers) and he probably slipped into the class and the teacher never noticed him. he would certainly never say' I'm here now!'. There is no other explanation but at least I have something to show for absences that were not absences (and I know he was not skipping classes as SR kids find this way too stressful). It is ridiculous that we have to do this but there seems no way around it when the schools and authorities are just not on the same wave length as we are.


Good luck and stay in touch.
Linda xx

Re: 13 YR OLD SON REFUSING TO GO TO SCHOOL SINCE YEAR 7

Thanks linda you have been a great help, im not to sure on the taking the laptop away but at the moment im gonna stick with it and see if it will work, she doesnt really communicate with others on it just plays sims games which is like another world for her and not the one she hates being in but yes it is the school attendence officer who says i should take everything away from her. She is already on half timetable and only goes in for certain lessons (maths, science, english, i.t & c.d), take tommorow for example she is meant to have science at 9am when the rest of school starts at 8am, after that 2hours in foundation learning for catch up on lessons shes behind on a break inbetween, lunch then english and home at 2.15, now at the moment she says she is going in but wants to come out at lunch 12.30 which tbh i dont mind id rather her in for some rather than none, but i no the school will say NOOOOOOO these are the lessons agreed and she has to attend them so therefore she prob wont go, i have said to her to go in and to refuse to go in the english lesson as this is a lesson she really hates as its a large class, she is behind and feels scared in, but as long as she is in the school they cant moan, she doesnt do form at all.
Thanks for the pointers regarding the diary i am starting that tommorow and u r right im sure her school has her down for days she has been in and they are marked as absent.

Ill let u no how she gets on, yes i have told her btw about this forum xxx

Thanks linda