school refusers


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Exams Looming - Any Advice

Hi everyone

My son has been absent from school for the whole of year 11 due to depression and major anxiety issues. Apart from walking our dog and psychiatrists appointments he hasn't been out of the house for the last 9 months! There has been no pressure put on us by the school or by CAMHS to get him back into school, in fact they have all encouraged him to remain at home and try to "recover". He is on medication and I have to say generally his mood has improved but the anxiety is still far from being under control! We had tickets to a concert a couple of weeks ago and although he was desperate to go he just couldn't face it.

He has also found it extremely difficult to focus on any school work this year and we were told by the psychologist not to put any more pressure on him by forcing him to study. Their opinion is that exams can be taken at any time and that there is no desperate need to take them this year. As a result he is now only taking half of the exams he was due to take and the school have arranged for an invigilator to come to our home so that he can sit them here. This in itself is now starting to cause him to have anxiety attacks. He is due to take the first exam in just under two weeks and he is telling me he doesn't know how he is going to be able to do them. The thought of someone coming into the house freaks him out and I am so worried that we are going to be taking backward steps regarding his well being.

The deputy head who has been in regular contact with me has almost been encouraging my son not to take the exams and trying to convince me that there will be other opportunities for him in the future. I'm not sure how much of this is for my son's sake or to benefit the school's results tables!! Maybe I'm not being fair?

I really don't know what to do - should I push ahead and tell him he has to do them - although if he refuses on the day there is nothing I will be able to do anyway! Or do I just take the pressure off? I know I've got to think of his well being but the thought of my son leaving school with no qualifications makes my stomach sink!! It's heartbreaking when I think he was on course to get such good grades, take his A levels and then aim for university.

I was speaking to a couple at the weekend who had lost their son in a car accident at the age of 18 a few years ago and they said to me "just be glad that you've got him and that you can put your arms around him and tell him you love him - nothing else really matters!" This sort of put our problems into perspective a bit!

Please any advice from anyone would be appreciated.

Re: Exams Looming - Any Advice

I think if you can give positive encouragement it could be helpful but pressure just isn't going to help.

Does he set goals for himself about getting out of the house, walking a certain distance etc? Your son sounds like he has a bad case of agoraphobia. It is a difficult condition to overcome.

Re: Exams Looming - Any Advice

Hi Kathy

Its a difficult one and I can understand your concerns about him not having any qualifications however he can take them later. He can go to college and take them, he may not get as much choice but him not taking them now is not the end of the world. The other option you could say to him is to have a go as he has nothing to loose but lots to gain. Will the invigilator be someone he knows? Perhaps this would help or could you sit in the room with him.

I know with my own daughter she is a lot happier in her mood but the anxiety takes over when she needs to come out of her comfort zone. We are waiting to hear from CAHMS again to see if they can do some cbt with her so that she can learn some skills to try and keep her stress levels down when coming out of her comfort zone.

Only your son can make the decision about whether he wants to try his exams now and the most important thing for him to know is that whatever he decides is fine with you and that you are right behind him.

Never give up hope Kathy friends of ours daughter had school anxiety she eventually managed to go back for sixth form and is now at college studying art, living away from home and having a ball

Sue

Re: Exams Looming - Any Advice

Hi Kathy, I can see where u are coming from i would be upset if my daughter/son was capable of getting good grades and may end up with none, but my own personal opinion is do they really need these grades at the moment anyway, if he does achieve them does he have any intention of going to UNI? he can always resit these exams later im sure, when he is more in control of his anxiety and more mature to cope with the pressure. If it was me i dont think id pressure him into doing them and would focus on trying to get him out of the house more and interacting with others.

Whatever you decide im positive you have his best interests at heart and its easy for me to say when its not me in this position at the moment. Go with your gut instinct mothers intuition is never wrong xxxx

Re: Exams Looming - Any Advice

I agree with what the others have said Kathy - you just have to go with your gut feeling on this one and keep in mind that there might be other ways forward to sit the exams when your son is in a better place.
It must be very hard for you to know what to do at the moment and sorry I don't have any direct answers.

I am surprised your school is so supportive. Let us know how you go - and it doesn't matter if you try and convince your son to give it a go and he still says no.
Take care and stay in touch -
Linda

Re: Exams Looming - Any Advice

Thanks everyone for your replies - I guess deep down I feel it's not the right thing to do putting pressure on him but in some ways it makes me feel like maybe I'm taking the easy way out and I feel a bit of a failure. It's funny but if it was just me and him I think I would say it's just not the right time at the moment, but my husband wants him to take them and even though everyone is very supportive I still feel as though people will think what on earth are you doing letting your son leave school with no qualifications!

There are so many conflicting emotions going on for us and for him - although his anxiety is making it impossible for him to consider taking the exams he gets distraught because he had dreams and expectations of getting good qualifications and hopefully having a rewarding career. I know that he is very intelligent and that can never be taken away and I am sure that he will overcome all of this and fulfill his dreams in time.

I guess the advice to let him have a go and see how he gets on is good - I will make sure he knows that I am behind him 100% whatever happens.

This has taught me a huge lesson - to never take anything for granted - we just assumed his life would take a certain course and we have had to slowly come to terms with the fact that for now it won't!

Thanks everyone for listening - I hope that you are all coping with your own challenges OK at the moment.

xx

Re: Exams Looming - Any Advice

Kathy - i was walking in your shoes this time last year, and hey it doesn't matter which ever way it goes.

My son was a great student, ended up with a tutor and did ok with his GCSE's, not anywhere near what he was capable of, infact for one of his exams he had to go to the PRU centre, we were all ready, i got in the car and he just turned round and went back inside, that was that.

It is not taking the easy way out but doing what we as parents think as the best way to support our children. My son also went 12 months not going out of the house, not at all but by taking the pressure off him his confidence grew and grew.

Your school are very understanding, to be fair ours was too as some of the stories i have read on here make my skin crawl as some authorities have no idea how to handle SR children.

What will be will be - don't let it upset any of you, and yes exams can be taken anytime.

This time next year you will have a totally different outlook on it all.

Keep smiling

Sarah

Re: Exams Looming - Any Advice

Hi Sarah

Thanks for your response - well today we have had a really rough day! My son was supposed to attend an appointment with the psychiatrist this morning and he refused to go saying he just couldn't. They have told us in no uncertain terms that if he didn't attend this appointment they would basically wash their hands of him. He didn't attend the last one either and I went in his place to talk things over. She seemed OK at the time but has since spoken to my husband and said that they can't help my son if he won't help himself!

I asked him how he was going to manage getting up next week to do his exams if he couldn't make it today and he told me that he isn't going to do them! He says he can't cope with someone coming into the house and watching him! I am now waiting for the school to ring me so that I can explain that all their efforts to try and help him with the exams have been in vain, I am not looking forward to the phone call. What can I do if he refuses to do them? I can't make him.

This is breaking my heart and I can't seem able to stop crying today. I feel as though there is just no hope! I know I should be supporting him but I also feel that the time has come for him to at least try and make an effort. I know it's hard but I have been there for him for the past year and have not tried to put undue pressure on him in the hope that he would begin to heal. It feels as though we are back at stage one.

Sorry for the ramble - I hope you are all having a more successful time than me at the moment.

xx

Re: Exams Looming - Any Advice

Hi Kathy

I sent a reply but it must have gone out into cyberspace. I'll be briefer this time. My heart goes out to you - you are having an awful time. You might just have to give up on the exams and know that they are not everything towards a future - there will be other opportunities. YOu son's mental well being is more important at the moment and he is probably at breaking point. His anxiety and his exams have all come at once and he is probably very bewildered and scared about why he is feeling this way.

Embrace him where he is now - and know that others on the forum have found other ways forward. Maybe he can do on-line schooling and the exams next year. Maybe with medication he might be able to start working on his thought patterns? Not wanting to visit the psychiatrist is something that happens - my son has done that. So terribly frustrating for us - but is something our children just can't face when they feel so down. Your son is probably depressed now as he feels he has let everyone down, including yourself. So make him know that you are going to be ok about it and you'll find another way to help him move forward.
It is a slow road - and one that they will need help with for a long time but until they find a way to take small steps forward then I think stepping back is about all you can do. Its not easy - and it feels like life is just rushing past and your child is stuck...but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Others on here have found their way forward and since my son has been taking medication -we have been inching forward as well.
Take care - give your son a hug....and I'm sending a big hug to you.. Do something you know you will like - just for you - take some deep breaths - and know you are not alone....we understand the despair you feel. It will get better.
Linda xx

Re: Exams Looming - Any Advice

Thanks Linda

Spoke to the school yesterday and we have pulled the plug on the exams. It was a really hard phone call and very upsetting but the deputy head was brilliant saying that my son could take exams there in the future however long it takes (although I know he will never go back into the building!). She also said how lucky he was to have such supportive parents which was really nice to hear.

Unfortunately, my husband and I don't see eye to eye on this and a visit from his parents last night made a bad day end even worse. I ended up telling his father that I didn't need parenting advice from him - he and my husband both say he's got to start helping himself and going out otherwise he will never get better. Not words I needed to hear yesterday. I know they all love him but a hug and some reassuring words from my husband to my son would have been nice - not something he does very often!

But I have woken up today a lot more positive. I have to go to work but I will text my son and tell him I love him with a smiley face :). This is where we are at now and we just have to take each day as it comes.

Thanks again for your kind words and for taking the time to reply. Best wishes to you and your family - I hope things are OK with you.

xx

Re: Exams Looming - Any Advice

Hi Kathy

It must be so hard when you and your husband don't see eye to eye. My ex and I don't see eye to eye either and that has caused so much more stress. There is some truth in what they say regarding getting out there etc - but you and I know that it is easier said than done and sometimes it takes much smaller steps than one parent is able to visualise or understand.
The psychiatrist also told me that from her observation, my ex may never come to truly accept that my son has an anxiety disorder - which is why he takes the very tough road of constantly pushing no matter what the outcome.
Your husband might be the same and perhaps some men also just don't like to see their sons in this position - so they have no idea how to handle it.

I found it helped when the psychiatrist saw myself and my ex together and talked things through with us. You might need some kind of counselling yourselves about this - but with someone who knows what is like to deal with an anxiety disorder and not just someone who has a bit of anxiety.

After parent teacher night my ex gave our son the lecture of how he has to put in the effort and do the work and get to school AND on time, as if he was a normal kid just slacking off. It had no positive impact on my son - just made him depressed so that I had to pick up the pieces.
Its a fine line we have to tread with others. Pity you get the blame for the parenting from the in-laws as well. Many on here (myself included) have been down that road with schools blaming our parenting. Just hang in there and find out slowly and step by step what your son is able to face. Does your husband think he needs medication? Or is he dead against it?
You might see your boy able to take steps forward again. He needs to also trust you again and know that all you are doing is to help him. He has probably given up knowing what help is at this point - but I am sure he will start to attempt small steps forward now that the exams have been taken away.
Take care
Linda