Hi there, my daughter is 13 and in year 9 she has been school refusing for about a year now maybe longer, she was put on a part time school time table to attend certain lessons in january to encurage her to attend school, she has had good and bad weeks at this her lessons for her to attend were maths, english, science, I.T and Child development, she goes into the maths and english no problem as it is a smaller class with about 10 kids in it, she has refused to attend the science more or less since jan, and the I.T and C.D she has done say 50% of.

Today they rang me at 7.30am requesting i attend a meeting at 9am today, so along i trotted, they have said they have done all they can as a school, and she is not meeting them half way and sticking to the timetable, therefore they are taking that away and insist she now attend ALL lessons every day, they are referring me to education welfare and recommending i attend Catch 22 sessions whatever that may be some kind of mediation programme from what i can gather.

She has been assessed by CAHMS and they said she should see the school councellor as they could not offer her any sessions as there were children with higher needs than her, she has seen the school councillor 3 times, what goes on in them sessions i dont no, my daughter says not alot as they are only 1/2 hr at a time once a week and are to be concentrating on her anxiety issues, they are aware that she has previously self harmed as well, although at present has stopped.

After the meeting she refused to stay and so they said take her home, now she is refusing to go back there at all at least before she was attending maths and english.

Im at a total loss as to what to do now they seem to think that im not strict enough with her but yet when she is in school and she refuses to go into a lesson and has a melt down they cant get her to go in yet expect me to get her to attend school all day.

There suggestion was to wake her up in the morning open all windows and play loud music which she hates and make life as difficult at home as possible to make her want to be at school, never mind that the windows are all locked as she has tried to jump out of them to kill herself, but this doesnt matter to them.

Sorry to ramble on just dont no what to do anymore, will ew prosecute me?? can they take my daughter into care because of this??

HELP PLEASE

xxx
Jo

Oh Jo

Please don't worry - they will not take your daughter into care, and as long as you are co-operating with the authories you won't be prosecuted - you must keep a diary of all events, meetings etc to back uo your case.

Why do schools think we as parents aren't doing enough - are they really that stupid ?? if our children could go into lessons just like that they wouldn't be school refusers !!

Easier said than done not to worry - i have been there, done that one.

My advise is to contact Parent Partnership they are wonderful and so supportive and will help you all the way - and it's not your fault that CAMHS aren't available.

Stay strong, you know your daughter best - also contact your local MP for support - mine was a god send and now a friend !!

If you ever need to talk i am happy to give you my number.

Chin up

Sarah x

Welcome to our little group, Jo.

Of course I do not understand how you are feeling right now, but I remember how I felt when our daughter was at this stage.

Angry, helpless, worried. Just some of the emotions.

We are here so that you can sound off, have a little cry, and share your concerns.

This a key stage. Here in Scotland, the end of the school year is fast approaching, and life seemed to ease up with the expectations of holidays, and 'maybe things will be better next term'. But they were not. It is really important to get things in place now. Meetings with everyone who has, or should have, your daughter's health and wellbeing as their responsibility. So do not be afraid (as we all are!) of meeting people from education welfare. But like the Boy Scouts, be prepared.

If you have not already started a diary, now is the time. Look out all your notes from previous meetings and get them organised in a file. If there were no minutes from today's meeting, jot down your recollections of it and email/hand it in to the school asking them to confirm that you got it right. (We have just had to look out reports from 8 years ago!)

I would want to respond to CAHMS comment that there are children with higher needs. Have they read your daughters notes about self harming? We went through something similar and did not get the help we needed when we needed it. (My blood is beginning to boil here) Maybe you should see your GP to get the message to CAHMS?

You ask two key questions: Will they prosecute me? Will they take her in to care?

Prosecution is becoming more frequent, but will be unlikely to succeed if you can demonstrate that you have done everything that you have been asked to do, and have been in touch with all the relevant people. Keeping records is key to handling this. You may also need to be able to show that your daughter has had some sort of education out of school - is the school sending home work for your daughter? Have they offered tutoring?

The Council is unlikely to take your child into care unless there are several other circumstances to consider.

That's enough from me! I am sure others will be able to contribute more ably.

Good luck, Jo.

We are here for you.

Simon

Hi Jo

Do you have a Hospital and Home tuition service in your area? check with you local education authority and if so get your daughters school to refer her. my daughter who is the same age as yours has a tutor who works with her in school two afternoons per week. This 5 hours one to one per week is equivalent to 10 hours schooling per week which is the minimum amount of time that a student has to attend school for it to be classed as them being there full time. Consequently my daughter has 100% attendance as far as school records go!

For years 10 and 11 her school have said they are happy for her to have a part time timetable, they will provide her with a room to work in on her own and her teachers will leave her work to complete and any classes she can actually get into is a bonus. Daughter will have to be disciplined and make sure that she attends and completes the work but at least her school is trying. Could your daughters school perhaps offer her something similar, tell them that other schools are doing this, it may shame them into offering something more than they are.

What absolutely infuriates me is that some people have absolutely no idea what is like to have a child who suffers from school anxiety, do they honestly believe that we would not physically carry them into school every day if we could, just to get them there. Not one of us on here would wish this on any one or their children, I never ever thought something like this would happen to my daughter and I am definitely no soft touch.

Maybe you should point out to your daughters school that if they go down this route THEY are letting your daughter down, no one else, and the fact that she is going in even for a part time timetable if they move the goal posts it is them that is denying her an education.

Good luck Jo, tell your daughter that this is not her fault she has done fantastically well and to go into two of the most important subjects, English and Maths (I wish my own daughter could) is phenomenal.

The sooner that more schools and teachers are trained regarding school anxiety the better, perhaps if they knew what signs to look out for or how to deal with it better then our children would get the help they need so much sooner.

Sue

Hi Jo

My heart goes out to you - it is just so hard and especially when the school just don't get it.
Sarah, Simon and Sue have given you loads of good advice - having been in your position - knowing just how you are feeling. Keeping notes from all meetings as well as seeking out help from outside the school is the only way to move forward from your situation I think. The school does hold a 'duty of education' and they are not meeting this.

Anxiety is such a hidden illness that some people will always play the 'blame' game. Don't let them blame you as a parent. There are all kinds of parents on this forum - and the main thing is that we are worried about our kids and are seeking help - and that means you are doing all you can to try and get your daughter through this.
As for making home a place she does not want to be -it is an insult to your intelligence as a parent and to the seriousness of your daughter's illness. Can you get your GP to ensure that the school make allowances due to the self harm history? If you can document that doing just a couple of subjects was working and how small the steps forward need to be - with the support of GP or others outside - the school may have to listen. What reason does the school give that the situation ' was not working'? On whose terms? With the option of 'no school' vs 'part school' then it might just be legally their duty to continue the part time.

Can you possibly afford a private psychologist? You probably know about Cognitive behaviour therapy and how it can help move the thoughts out of the negative rut and onto ways of managing the anxiety? Medication is also something that I found works with my son. We were tearing our hair out for years not knowing what to do and avoiding medication as a last resort. This year has been our best at attendance and he has now been to school every day for three weeks - after a wobbly time over a two week period when he had a cold and couldn't get back to school.

We had to go private for a psychologist and then psychiatrist as the school system basically failed us too.

Meanwhile - as Sue says - make sure your daughter knows she is loved and it is not her fault. She will be feeling very low in self esteem - afraid - and angry.
And take some time out for yourself. You are a good mum - you are doing all you can to help. Make sure you list these things down in your notes (and the fact that you sought help on this forum....it all means you are being a good parent). I have had to find a balance and do things I love on a regular basis in order to keep my head above ground.

Another thing I found helped me recently 'rise above' the blame of the school was turning up to their meeting dressed up more than I might have normally - with a big black folder under my arm (with notes and print outs of email correspondence) but in fact I never opened the folder - but it seemed to put me in a dominant position and I was able to say ' this is what has happened' lets move on and 'this is what I want you to do' and this is what I will do.

One day a 'mental illness' of this nature will make them stop hassling the parent and child - but at the moment - unfortunately - we have to pave the way for others who may follow. A bit hard to take, i know, when you are so overwhelmed yourself - but take the advice of Simon, Sarah and Sue and see how you go.
Please come back on here and pour out your frustrations whenever it gets to much and /orgive us an update. We are all here to support you.
Take care -
Linda xx

AND HI SARAH...So lovely that you are able to pop by some time to help others. HOpe all is well with you and your son :)

Thank you so much everyone i feel so much better after reading your comments.

I had started keeping a diary of lessons and hours she attended but am going to type it all up more formally so i have this ready to produce when necessary and am going to go over all the meeting i have had an record what was said in them as well, i think i have only ever received one letter from them about this all since its been going on, the rest is just notes they make and keep themselves.

I will be looking into the parent partnership and searching my local authority for information.

The school did ring me and leave a message today to see how she was after the meeting but i havent got back to them, but i had no truancy call today from the school asking why she wasnt in.

Thanks again for all your encouragement it really means a lot, i will let u all no how things develop. Hope u are all having a good week with your children, its good to no there is some light at the end of this tunnel


xxx
jo
xxx

Hi Jo

I was telling my daughters tutor about what had happened and she was appalled. One bit of advice she asked me to pass onto you (it may also help others) she said that you should ask to see your daughters school admission policy which they have to give you. Check through it to see if it states that pupils must attend school full time if it doesnt then legally they dont have a leg to stand on. She also said to keep notes of everything.

Good luck keep your chin up

Sue

Hi Jo,

Haven't been on this site for a while as all our energy has been taken up recently with my husband's ongoing battle with a very aggressive cancer.

One of the things which is happening in schools at the moment is that they are under tremendous pressure to prove that they are "performing" well and in recent years there have been changes in how OFSTED views attendance figures and procedures. This may be what is causing them to be so unreasonable.

I have had 2 children with school attendance problems. The first, now 19 and at University, had an illness with fluctuating levels of severity which caused him to have attendance under 50% for 4 years (age 11 up to 15) with some lesser problems after that. The school were great and helped him to keep up-to-date with the result that he got the qualifications he needed. Fast forward to my youngest son now in Yr 9 who, until recently attended the same school, and the story is completely different. He has a different medical condition that lead to chronic pain syndrome and eventually morphed into a kind of "school phobia". The support to keep up to date with lessons was lacking (often non-existent) and we had endless meetings focused almost solely on his attendance. From him starting the school in Yr 7 we were asked would we consider educating him at home? Er, no! Later it was: would we consider buying an online education package to keep him up to date? Er,no, the school should be able to help him do that! He ended up in severe pain caused, I believe by the stress of trying to cope. He was unable to walk due to the pain and had to use a wheelchair to get into school. His reduced timetable did not cover core subjects and as he could not get upstairs he had to spend some lessons in a "special needs" room downstairs - which would have been ok if they had ever supplied him with any work. I had to make sure he had something relevant to do as they could not be bothered to sort out his education. The only thing that mattered was that he was in the building and could be marked as present. From Yr 8 they kept telling us we'd have to either get him in school regularly or take him out as they could not support him with GCSEs. Complaints were ignored and mostly we were holding back on our anger and distress and trying not to make things too much into an all out war because our son wanted to try to get himself into that particular school. The teachers in the most part were fine - it was the management who were causing the problems.

I believe that now it is easier for schools to just say: we are following guidelines and if attendance has not improved we will pass the case to the local authority Attendance Officer. That means they have ticked the correct boxes and covered themselves for the next OFSTED inspection. The concept of "every child matters" has gone out of the window as has any notion that they should support the education of children with fluctuating attendance problems. It's get them in, and if you don't get them in then don't expect us to do anything. Some schools rise above this and do try to help but I feel that it is easier just to refer us on to someone else and if that doesn't work, encourage us to take our children out of school. Needless to say these suggestions to take our child out of school were all made verbally. There were no written records on their part of what they were saying.

After fighting this system from the end of Yr 5, while he was at Junior School, through Yrs 6, 7, 8 and half of Yr 9 I eventually gave up and registered him with an online school. With my husband's cancer diagnosis coming through at the same time I don't think any of us could take any more. There are pros and cons with the online school and of course we have had to pay for it (well, my mother kindly did so until sadly she died 2 months ago). We've thought about looking at other schools for next year but the pressure is so great everywhere. Our middle boy, has just left another local school after finishing GCSE's but I think there has been too much pressure on his Year Group as the school shot up the exam league tables a couple of years ago and is now fixated on doing even better. We are planning to use correspondence courses next year as I don't trust the local schools not to pressurise him into becoming ill again.

This is a bit of a rant and I'm sorry if it seems very negative but I think this is what we are up against.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by keeping a diary. I think you need to keep records of what was said at every meeting and appointment as Sue suggests.

I can't imagine that anyone would seriously start care proceedings as you are clearly doing everything you can to support your daughter. Similarly legal action for non attendance is unlikely as you are again doing everything you can. There is also case law which supports school refusing children as a local authority that took parents to court in this type of situation were made to apologise to the parents. It's on this site somewhere.

Very best of luck with everything.

Leah - you are going through an incredibly hard time - I felt quite emotional reading your post.
I don't know how you are coping - but keep hanging in there.
Your son might have also become worse since your mother died and your husband was diagnosed.
I went through something similar many years ago - and I remember the heartache and not knowing how you just keep on going because you are needed.
You are a great mum and doing all you can. How is your son engaging with the on-line work? Is he motivated?
If he is motivated then perhaps you can just keep going down that road for some time and see if you can connect with any local groups. Have you been in touch with your local Parent Partnership?

What you say about schools rings true for so many. Something has changed and schools do seem to be very concerned with 'accountability' and what the authorities might do or say.
You have so much to deal with in regards to your husband at the moment - you don't want to be battling with another school. I hope that this can be a transition period for your son and perhaps later he might be able to attend? Small steps as you know.
I am not sure what else to say - but we are all thinking of you and hoping that you can find just a few moments for yourself in all of this.
Take care - and feel free to rang and rave as much as you like - there are lots who will give you support and sympathy on here.
Sending a big hug..
Linda xx