Hi Everyone

I have not posted on here since earlier in the year, a quick reminder my son didn't settle in Secondary school and struggled along with a lot of time off until end of last year (year 9) and after a severe bout of flu over Christmas has not been back to school at all this year. I found everyones comments and reassurances a great help but things got on top of me and I feel I have just been surviving over the past few months and did not even have the energy to keep up with the forum.

The progress (or lack of) is as follows. After speaking with his school on several occasions to find out if there could have been anything going on that would have made my son so anti school they were adamant that there was no bullying and even stated that they did not have bullying at their school. I received a phone call from one of his best friends who confidentially told me that my son had been being bullied for several months and one of the main things they were using against him was that he had so many days off school and they called him names and made him sit on a "gay chair" in tutor time for a week after every time he was off. This now make sense as to why he begged me to let him go in after Tutor time in the mornings but of course I didn't know and forced him in every day because the school were insistent that he had to attend.

So several Doctors appointments later to see if maybe he had CFS after his flu at xmas he was then referred to CAMHs and we waited until May for an appointment. By this time my son was not even leaving the house, he had shut down all his social media and changed his phone and no longer used his xbox and cut off any contact with friends and was living a solitary life in his bedroom, only coming out to eat and sleeping all day sometimes. I somehow managed to get him to the CAMHs appointment where he told them that he was "done with education" and no longer wanted to go to college or university (which with 11A* GCSEs predicted was what he had wanted to do). The nurse at CAMHs basically told him that if he loved me he would go back to school and did he really want to see me prosecuted because that was what would happen if he didn't start behaving. After about an hour of this he got up and walked out, which is most unlike him. They decided that he was probably depressed and suggested we get another opinion and we were then offered another appointment in 5 weeks time! (which he refused to go to).

During that time things got worse, his mood swings got worse and one minute he seemed like his old self and in an instant he would start shouting and swearing at me - telling me that he had never asked to be born and that it was my fault that he felt like this and that he would kill himself if I forced him to go back to school.

The school had now referred us to a local education centre and again I somehow managed to get him to go along to the appointment and it was fantastic. He really related to the woman who interviewed us and she told him that it was okay that he was finding it hard to go to school and that a lot of young people had the same problem and said we could have home tutoring with a view to attending the centre in a small group at some point in order to at least get 5 GCSEs. We left there walking on air - at last someone who seemed to understand my son and the situation and he was so happy I actually heard him singing to himself later that evening which broke my heart as he hasn't seemed that happy for so long.

I should have known it was too good to be true. We then had half term, my son due to start with home tutor last week. Tutor turned up and my son refused to come out of his bedroom. He hid under his duvet and no means of cajoling, threatening or pleading would get him up. The tutor was great and said it was fine and that he would not give up on him and would come back next week.

Yesterday the tutor turned up again, I had warned my son and he had promised that he would get up and meet the tutor. The tutor turned up and 1.00 for the previous hour I had shouted, pleaded, cried anything you could think of to get my son up - but he refused to come out from under his duvet. He told me to get out in no uncertain terms and said that if I didn't leave him alone he would kill himself. I was so embarrassed but the tutor was lovely and said it was going to be a long slow process but that he would come back again next week. I have not seen my son since that shouting session yesterday lunchtime, I heard him get up when I went to bed and creep downstairs to get something to eat I presume, but when I got back from work today he was still in bed and will not come out of his room.

So - I cant get him to go to another CAMHs session, he won't see a home tutor, he won't go back to school, he wont see a counsellor and he won't talk to anyone.

I know a lot of you have been dealing with similar situations for far longer than I have - how do you keep going? It is affecting the whole family and I feel I am becoming like him, I don't want to see friends, I feel tired and anxious all the time. His older sisters are worried and his father is totally frustrated with him. I am having to accept an enormous amount of verbal abuse from him when he is angry (and he does apologise when he has calmed down) but this doesn't last and the next minute he has gone off on one again. I can't give him any ultimatums or he throws the "I will kill myself" card at me. I never imagined I would be in a position where I could not control my own child!

I just don't know what more I can do and I feel that there is no light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.
Sorry for the long rant, but I should have kept up with the support on here as I feel I have been struggling along very much alone and it is at times really frightening.

I hope you have all been having more success than we have.

Jill x

Oh Jill,
I really feel for you as in the past my 13 year old has expressed similar feelings and could only see his future in negative terms.

I am always very suspicious of any school that denies they have bullying. Sorry but I think it goes on everywhere and what matters is what the school does when it discovers it's happening. They should have a support system they can put in place and parents and children need to be involved. If this is the way his old school dealt with the problem then he's better off out of it.

I'm not surprised your son walked out of the CAMHS session if the worker there responded to the problems he's been having (ill, exhausted, bullied) by saying go back to school if you love your mum as otherwise she'll get prosecuted. CAMHS is a bit of a mixed bag up and down the country with some children finding lovely, supportive counsellors and others not so. My son's, otherwise supportive, CAMHS worker once told me that if I thought my son's issues with school were now more anxiety based than medical (he has a chronic pain condition) that I could ask the school to start prosecution proceedings against me and his dad so that this might force him back into attending. I was shocked to say the least. How could prosecuting his parents, and blaming him for it, help a child with anxiety? CAMHS did not provide any direct help for my son as he was deemed "unsuitable" for cognitive behavioural therapy and they did not offer an alternative. The CAMHS worker did come to meetings at school for quite a while though I think the main role became as mediator between me and the member of the school management team we had to deal with.

I'm sure other people will be along soon to talk about depression and there are a number of parents here whose teenagers have improved with medication. However, a couple of things occurred to me. Firstly the situation has lead to both you and your son cutting yourself off from other people which can feel protective but also means you are cutting yourself off from potential support. Are there any friends/family who can support you. Fathers and partners sometimes have a "practical" approach to school refusal in that they see getting the child into the building as being the important issue whereas the parent who is dealing with it most of the time (usually, but not always, Mum) knows it's much more complicated. Perhaps your husband could look at this site or other sources of information on school refusal? Your son needs someone his age to relate to. If he's cut off all social media contacts (presumably this is because of the bullying?) are there any friends he can invite round? My son doesn't see anyone and isn't on Facebook etc but talks to people through online gaming. He controls who he speaks to and as he's not using emails, Facebook and so on, he doesn't come into contact with people who might make negative comments.

It sounds like your son's tutor from the new school has come across similar situations before. He's right that it is still early days. Your son has been through a lot and believe me I do know the pressure we feel as parents when something seems to be going right at last, such as a new school/pupil unit, to make it work. However, I found with my son, that when he had blips, the more pressure I put on him, the more he got distressed, angry and negative. Perhaps you all need a bit of time to adjust. Can you have a chat with the tutor and get suggestions from him as to how to proceed? This is not about controlling your child. I've tried this and it doesn't work.Once they get to the teenage years if they want to "go off on one" they will. He is not running around getting drunk, vandalising property and stealing cars (or at least I assume not!). He is reacting with distress to a distressing situation.

Please try to get out and about with friends yourself. Get some help for him by talking to his tutor and, if you think he is depressed, your GP. If he won't see the GP have you thought of seeing the GP yourself without him. What I've done in the past is book an appointment but just turn up on my own and ask for advice about what to do. It's worked with my GP (in terms of general chat about best way forward) but may not work with yours depending on how flexible they are.

Best wishes

Hi Leah

Thanks so much for the speedy reply - as always this site immediately makes you realise you are not on your own.

I agree with you I am cutting myself off from friends - although I have confided in a few but they do struggle to see how it could possibly have got to be such a problem. They seem to think that if I was stricter and if I took away his privileges then he would behave! As you and I know this does not work and believe me I have tried all that with disastrous repercussions. At Christmas when I took away all his things, computer, tv, x box - he went into a huge depression and just went to bed and wouldn't get up. When I realised this was the wrong approach we gave the things back but he is just not interested in his x box or tv and mainly listens to music or watches dvds on his computer.

As far as friends go he had a best friend who was the one who told me about the bullying (unfortunately many of his other friends decided that it was easier to go along with the bullies) and this best friend tried to be supportive but my son has now even cut him off and refuses to see anyone other than his sisters and myself and does not even want to talk to his father.

I have been to our GP several times and he has said that he cannot prescribe for him and that we have to see CAMHs in order for him to be assessed but now he refuses to go back to CAMHs so I will have to contact them and see if someone can come to us but I still don't think my son will talk to anyone.

I think you are right, when I take all pressure off him he starts to relax and he begins to return to his old self, but then the slightest pressure and he goes to bed and will sleep for days and refuse to come out of his room.

I am resigning myself to a long process and am now trying to take each day as it comes but there is not a moment in the day or night when it is not on my mind and that is so exhausting.

I hope your situation has improved, you have obviously been through a similar situation and your support means a great deal to me.

Jill xx

Hi Jill,

Give your son time with the tutor. I know from my daughters tutor that sometimes it takes a few weeks before students engage with their tutors. I am sure his tutor will keep coming, try and see if your son will come down for 10mins. It very often is a slow soflty softly approach and the main thing is for your son to realise that there is no hurry and that no one it giving up on him. My daughters tutor is the best thing that happened for us as although my daughter isn't in class in school she goes into school with her tutor and works with her there. The best thing is that we have got our lovely happy daughter back, yes she still is anxious and has panic attacks but when school isn't in the picture she is happy and enjoying life. She doesnt socialise much with her friends but then she never really did anyhow she keeps in touch with them through messaging and is happy with her life.

I know what you mean about cutting yourself off I did this and we still have family and friends who dont know but I am actually at a stage now where i dont really care who knows and what they think because unless you have had a child that has gone through this you cant possibly understand. Although this is still a big thing in our lives we just carry on with life as normal as possible and we are all much happier and more relaxed as a result.

My advice with your son is to try and not make a big deal about the tutor and him not coming down. Remind that he is coming then when he arrives tell him is here. Try not to put pressure on him because this what he is struggling with and why he hides under the duvet. Then if he doesnt manage to come down he then feels he has let you down so tell him its ok and maybe next time he'll manage.

Its so hard and I have learnt the hard way unfortunately there is no manual to tell us how to deal with this all we can do is hang in there and be there for our kids.

Sue

Hi sue

Thank you for your advice it is so easy to get carried away when they won't do what you know would be so helpful to them but then when you reflect you realise you have not helped the situatuon af all. I totally lost it with him when he wouldnt get out of bed and ended up threatening all sorts of awful things if he didn't come down to see the tutor. I can see now that as soon as he started to feel the anxiety about facing a new situation connected to school he shut down and no amount of shouting was going to change that just as it didnt work when he wouldn't go into school.

I do agree it has to feel that he has some control and things need to be taken slowly. It has been so helpful to connect with this forum again and to read all the good advice. Its so sad that all these youngsters are having such a hard time.

Thanks again Sue I will try what you suggested next week and will let you know how it goes.

Jill x

Hi Jill,

So sorry to hear how hard things are right now. I remember being in a similar situation some time back and it is heart breaking to hear your story and know you are struggling on your own so much, despite family.
I know this has been dragging on - but it is probably time to step back - give your son lots of love - a hug if he is willing - and tell him you know that he can't help it and you will do all you can to help find a way forward for him that is not so painful. Tell him you notice small steps and don't expect major changes as you know how hard it is for him.

Leah and Sue have given you some good advice here - and Leah is going through much the same thing right now.
Its tough. I'd also suggest taking yourself off to the GP for you....you are under enormous stress. I started taking antidepressants during this phase that you are going through and I am still on them. They allowed me to face the day - to try and ride above all the chaos around me and find ways forward. Without them I think, like you, I would have sunk lower and lower. I was in tears most days and shut myself off from friends because I either didn't want to have them ask how my son was or I didn't want to see or hear about their happy lives! WHen I dragged myself up out of the depths - I was able to talk to anyone and found people were ok - those who weren't - I Never mentioned my son to them again! I also made sure I tried not to always have conversations fall into talk about my son - but to distract myself and talk about other things. So consider it ....its worth it.
I am also one of those whose son now takes medication and I have seen a world of difference. It also takes time and acceptance. Once the blame game stops from those who should know better (I can believe what they said to your son as I have cringed when they have said similar things to my son....I was horrified and felt terrible that they would make my son feel so guilty when he was already feeling guilty!) GUilt eats you up....and you and your son are probably both suffering from it.

Can you GP prescribe medication or do you need to see a pscyhiatrist (as we do in Australia). But my GP wrote the referral to an adolescent psychiatrist. She also understood - never blamed - told my son that she knew he couldn't help it. She saw myself, my ex and my son separate and us altogether and that also madea world of difference. She did not recommend medication straight away - in fact it was me who asked about it as I just couldn't see my son moving forward. I was dead against medication originally - but now that I have seen what it has done and taken the edge of the paralysing fear that my son had - then it was really worth it. He was doing his brain no good by all the terrible negative thoughts, like your son, so something had to shift.
He has also been going through this long enough to accept he has anxiety and that he can't help it. I also a number of years ago embraced him for where he was and stopped trying to get him to do things he couldn't.
He also refused to meet a tutor that came to the house (hid in his room - screamed and threw things around) and he also became very angry and often told me where to drop off too. Its so horrible, isn't it....it does our head in.
So I would seriously side step all the CAHMS and other possibilities and get some medication for yourself and your son. Only then will he be able to start taking those small steps forward and re connecting with his friends.

My son was also teased by others for being away - and this led to name calling etc. Now that he goes to school - this has all stopped. Other kids can be so cruel - and hate to think someone else is 'getting away' with something such as missing school for no apparent reason. They are not mature enough to realise there is an issue - so they just don't care. Schools don't see this - my school also said they couldn't see or hear anything and if there was a problem then my son had to go to them and report it (mmm...as if our kind of kids ever do this!).

Sorry my post is so long. Hang in there - you are doing all you can. You need some time to find yourself in all of this before you can help your son move forward. It seems like you are a bit on your own in the family if he is not talking to his dad - but perhaps his dad also needs to accept that his son really does have anxiety and it is not something he can help. Anger is how our kids express their frustration and I think us mums cop an awful lot of that.

My son still has anxiety - but he is now a happy boy - who faces his fears when he can or works on them. He has not found any motivation to complete school work yet - but I have been told that his is most likely because getting through each day is still a challenge, although nothing like it ever used to be.
Feel free to rant and rave and let out your frustration and tears on here - lots of lovely people who understand you and will support you. THis forum was my life saver during my darkest days.
Take care and hear from you soon
Linda xx

Hi Linda

Thanks so much for your detailed reply, it means a lot and the advice is always so helpful. It has been a busy time since I last posted about my frustrations of my son not coming out of his room to see his tutor, but I took Sue's advice and I just backed right off and only reminded him the night before that the was coming. The next day when he arrived my son came down and although I could see he was very nervous he sat down and had a good 40 minutes chatting with him and working out what subjects to study etc. My son seemed to be pleased with himself after and things ticked along okay. The next week (tutor only comes 1 day a week at the moment) the tutor arrived and my son literally bounded downstairs and spent over two hours talking and studying and the tutor commented on how much better he looked and that he had colour in his cheeks. My son said he felt so much better and had more energy and his sleeping pattern had improved.

I was on cloud 9!! This was a major breakthrough and when I asked him after how he had got on with the tutor he said great and seemed really upbeat the next day. He announced later that day that he was going to buy and new bike with the money he had made selling some of his old things on ebay and wanted to start going out and exercising. This was great at last showing signs he wanted to leave the house. I should have known it was too good to be true! A day or so later he just seemed to be off, he was quiet and even though we were going to pick up his new bike he didn't seem at all excited. We picked it up and he just came in and put it in the garage and went up to his room. Later that evening about 7.30 he came down and said he was going out on his bike and seemed much brighter,he went out, said it was great, and then went up to his room. The next day he didn't get out of his bed at all and said he felt sick and just kept telling me to go away. From this point it all went downhill again, his sleep pattern is bad again and he is up all night, sleeping most of the day and needless to say yesterday he refused to get up for his tutor. After he left my son was so angry and shouted that he didn't need a tutor and could teach himself and has been in his room ever since.

His tutor was so pleased with him from last week that he was going to up it 2 times a week and came again today, but he refused to get up again and is still in bed.

I felt so happy last week and yesterday has just sent me back into despair. I know that he can't help this and I am sure his anger is partly because he has not been able to do it but it is hard to contain the frustration you feel when you know that considering the circumstances he is being offered such a great chance to at least get some qualifications next year.

Having slept on it I will continue to back off and hope that he picks up again and we might be able to talk.

It feels like one step forward and two backwards.

I hope all of you are coping and having some success with your situations, thank goodness for this site!

Jill

My son has the same ups and downs as your son. The only thing that seems to have helped is the fact he is now on his third SSRI. We have the same problems. A few good days and then a day that makes one forget all the good days that just transpired. I have figured out a couple things on days when my son can't do anything.

1. He feels that when my wife tries to get him out of bed and to the tutor it often feels like she is being mean to him. If he doesn't get up right away it escalates into a fight.

2. If I give him an hour or more he can usually manage to calm himself enough to come out of his room and get to the tutor. It almost always takes at least an hour. 45 minutes is the minimum.
There is some anger and tension at my wife that needs to be worked out. I don't understand it completely but I have my ideas. She is now trying to reduce her expectations a bit and it seems to be helping.

Hi Terskac

Thank you for your comments It certainly sounds as though you are struggling with a very similar situation. My son's father and I dont live together and most of his anger is directed towards me. He did say a year or so ago that he blamed me for the fact that he is so shy. He seems to respond better to his 21 year old sister who is back from university and this has lifted him a bit.

I definitely find that if I have to wake him up for anything and have to ask him several times he just shuts down and there is no way I can reason with him. The trouble is that this then leads to days of him sleeping all day and only getting up when I go to bed (almost as though he needs to avoid me). He then gradually comes out of it and when he starts sleeping at night again he improves so much. I am keeping a diary now to see if there is a pattern to it.

I do agree that if I back off completely he starts to improve but obviously things like tutors have to be adressed and then it all falls to pieces. I think he may need medication but unless I can get him to leave the house to speak to someone I cant get him assessed. He refuses to see CAMHS or his doctor and CAMHS are reluctant to come to him. So I guess it is a waiting game at the moment.

Good luck with your son and good to speak with you.

Jill you might want to ask his doctor about hospitalization. My son spent 5 days in the hospital last winter at his lowest point. He will be able to see a psychiatrist and he will be safe there. From what you say about his behavior sleeping so much he is probably suffering from severe depression. He needs treatment.

You didn't do anything to cause this. I strongly believe it is genetic. I have three kids and they are all different. There are relatives with similar problems as my son.

Hi Terskac

Thanks for that advice, it may be our only option if we can't get him to talk to anyone.

I agree with you about there possibly being a genetic tendency. My two daughters have no problems in this area at all and my brother had a similar experience when he was my son's age and my mother suffered with bouts of depression.

He stayed up all night last night and is still up now and trying to stay awake for as long as possible today so that he can go to sleep at about 5.00pm and sleep through and he will have broken the pattern again. It is good that he feels that he wants to break it again but it only lasts for a short while and he suddenly goes downhill whenever there is anything that causes him anxiety or pressure.

I am still hopeful that at some point he will ask for help and then I will do whatever it takes to get it for him.

Thanks again.

Hi Jill

I have walked a similar journey with my daughter as a single mum and in reading between the lines, I wonder whether your son's recent change in mood has anything to do with social media? I know my daughter can be feeling great but after spending some time "in her room" will swing to angry, sad etc and it is often due to something she has heard or read - most of her school friends are very supportive but it only takes one negative comment to undo her good mood. She is currently doing better, but still has her moments and definitely could not have made it as far as she has without medication and we also had to try quite a few before finding the right one. We are in Australia so I'm not sure if it is different, but my family doctor (GP) is able to prescribe anti-depressant medication so might be worth checking. Or alternatively, it might be worth making an appointment to see a private adolescent psychiatrist, even if you can't get your son to go, I know I have seen quite a few doctors on my own, just to get some advice. Our medical system does allow some funding for private mental health issues which is a great help. The staying up late is very common, my gp was saying last week that it is very common for those who suffer from depression and anxiety to feel at their worst first thing in the morning because this is when our "feel good" chemicals are at their lowest. My daughter will also become fixated on buying "things" as she is convinced they will make her feel better but of course it doesn't last. Her latest acquisition is a pet mouse