Hi,

I have no idea what to say or how I really got here! Apart from another very tearful confrontation with my 15 year old daughter with me telling her 'I understand but you have to go to school...'
Now things are so serious I am at the stage where I have decided that I simply cant send her. She hasnt done a full week for as long as I can remember anyway.
She has been accepted by CAMHS tier 2 which is just beginning but has already self harmed!!
I dont know where to turn or what to do..Just sitting here sobbing and feeling a complete failure. Desperate to help her. I tell her I understand but i clearly dont as I have still forced her to attend making the situation worse.
I cant watch her suffer any more. What should i DO????

Hi Tara,

Firstly, big hugs sent your way.

Secondly, don't beat yourself up or blame yourself for how you have dealt with things so far. We have all been there and gone through and done exactly what you have. The situation that we are all in with our kids is not covered in any manual but the most important thing to remember is that you and your daughter are not alone.

For me the turning point came when I accepted that this is my daughter and this is who she is, she is bright, beautiful, caring and very sensitive and so what she doesn't go to school, school isn't for everyone. I believe that once I accepted her and stopped trying to force, bribe and blame her that she then trusted me and realised that I was actually on her side. She very quickly then became the very happy funny girl that she is.

We are far from my daughter going back into school full time and I don't think that she ever will, however the progress we have made since us coming to terms with her anxiety has been enormous and we are so proud of her.

The pressure that our kids feel is so big that they can't deal with it and the biggest pressure they feel is that they have let us down and even though we have moved on my daughter still feels this guilt.

The best advice I can give you is, for now forget school, totally remove this pressure for her, let her relax at home, do lots of nice things together and give her lots of hugs.

Look after yourself Tara, make sure you have some me time and remember we are all in the same boat and understand where you are coming from. Tell your daughter about this forum (if you haven't already) as I know it helped my daughter knowing that she is not the only one going through this.

Sue

hi tara

big hugs to you, no exactly how u are feeling am going through the same with my daughter too, i feel such a failure also some days r good others bad.

What has happened to make her school refuse? does she do part time lessons this is where im at with my daughter atm.

i dont have much advice tbh but just wanted to let u no u r not alone and that i have found this site a great help and hope you will as wellxx

jo xx

Hi Tara,

We all care....its just so hard for you at the moment but you are not alone. Sue has given you some really good advice and Jo sent you lots of support. There is no easy answer - but stepping back and embracing your daughter where she is right now so that she doesn't feels so guilty will do you both good. She probably doesn't know why she is feeling this way and is scared.
Can you get help privately? Doctors, psychologists etc? Spend the time building up your daughter's self esteem at this stage - as Sue says - school isn't the only way through an eduction and your daughter's mental health is more important. Don't let the school or anyone else make you feel guilty for not getting her there - they do not understand what you are going through. And yes - me time very important.
When I first found this forum - like you - I couldn't see the words for tears!! It does get better and our kids do move forward - sometimes very slow - at other times bigger steps then a few backwards - but generally forwards.
THe self harming might stop if the pressure is taken off your daughter to get to school at the moment.
Is there any chance of home schooling or on-line schooling.
Stay in touch and feel free to rant and rave or cry.....lots of hugs going your way.
Linda xx